Those with SN children in mainsteam - do your little ones get party invites?

[JESSnutsRoastinOnAnOpenFire]

Because Alex, one term in Y1, has never had one! Trying not to be paranoid as I know he has lots of friends. Well.. they all treat him like the class mascot but who am I to mind (I don't!) because he laps it up and they are lovely and affectionate with him. So I think it must be their mothers. Maybe they think he will be too much trouble.. but surely it is obvious that I would stay with him, as he clearly has one-to-one at school.

This bothers me.. I know it shouldn't.. I have far larger things to worry about (don't we all!)

SJ x

One of my ds's favorite friends at school (he's in kindergarten in the usa) is autistic. Funnily enough I only realized that he was autistic when I tried to give him an invitation to my son's birthday party. I was trying to do it so that it wasn't in front of the other kids and he kept running away from me. I finally got the mother's phone number and called her up and she was practically in tears because not only was it her son's first invitation to a party, but she was so thrilled that neither me nor my son had realized that he was autistic. (The child is high functioning and my son (and father and brother) is a total space cadet, so blank looks and staring into space when someone asks you a question aren't something that raised any flags for me). He came to the party with his mother (as did all the other children) and enjoyed himself immensely although he didn't participate in the group games.

Having said all of that, I would not have invited this child if my son hadn't particularly asked for him to be there. His mother doesn't come into the school yard with him, while most of the other mothers do (even the working ones like me) and the parent socializing before school really helps to get to know the kids in your children's classes. And if I hadn't invited this child, it wouldn't have had anything to do with his being autistic, but rather because I hadn't met his mother. I wonder if maybe some of the ostrasizing that happens is because the mothers (or fathers) don't socialize with the other parents because they feel uncomfortable or are just too exhausted. Or maybe, like this mother, there is a full time aide, so she doesn't need to walk him into the yard. It might be worth trying to socialize a little more with the other parents. Or I like the idea of inviting all the children in a class (if you have 10 or 20 kids it really doesn't make that much difference).

dd's best friend in infants school has AS. She was always invited to the parties, she sometimes found them difficult to cope with...the noise etc. She has changed schools but dd still invites her to parties.....she is also the friend dd invites to ds's parties IYSWIM and that is sometimes more sucessful, since dd and she are the only two girls and she doesn't feel 'lost' in the crowd.

So glad I found this thread. My ds is turning 5 in January and is having a party at an indoor play centre. He has a lovely friend in his daycare centre that he asked asked to invite. This little boy is in a wheelchair and I am unsure if his mum would think it silly/inappropriate to invite him to an indoor play centre where he will obviously not be able to join the children playing on equipment and would be alone with the mums for half the party. There will be food/cake etc and I am organising two party games that he would be able to participate in as they are sitting down to take up the other time. Do I go ahead and invite him and let his mum make the decision???

Ds1 is in Yr1 and has never been invited to a party since he's been at school. In pre-school only one child invited him to a party.

It used to really bother ds1 but now he is so used to the idea of not receiving invitations that he doesn't even consider it a possibility any more.

mymama, do invite him, maybe his mum has ideas of how to get him more involved? Depending on his mobility she might be able to go in with him and help him slide etc. Even if it's not for him, it'll mean so much to her that he's got a party invitation.

My dd is in mainstream reception and gets invited to parties all the time (5 this term I think), this was one of my biggest worries before she started (she was at mainstream nursery and never got invited to any parties there) but it's been fab. She is hugely popular at school - the flipside of this is that she gets mobbed somewhat, which she isn't keen on.

Sorry to hear about all the LOs who don't get invited - must be heartbreaking.

This thread makes make feel so,so sad. It is devastating to feel your child's pain espiecally when it is mainly heartless parents who are to blame.
mymama- what a considerate person you are. i'm sure that the little boy will have a lovely time!

Really sad, Jessnuts and all the others who haven't had invites. I do think that it may have something to do with him going on transport and so the mums not actually seeing you to talk to. Even so, I can't imagine anyone not wanting to invite him. (You know he's always invited to my kids' parties... though we're a bit far away!) As for not replying, that's just plain bloody ignorance. No excuse IMHO.

When ds1 was in mainstream one girl used to invite him. She had known him since nursery and was absolutely in love with him. I used to go and stay (and took him early the 2nd year when he was starting to lose control).

TBH I think he was the school freakshow and I don't think it would have occured to anyone to invite him.

Possibly true about the mothers thing (although I did know lots of the mothers from various bits and pieces). DS1 used to go in later than everyone else and come out earlier so for the whole of reception I never did the group school gates thing- he had a term of it, but that was all.

It bothered me in the sense that it was just another sign that he wasn't included at all in anything. I don't miss it not being an issue anyway. At ds1's school now lots of the children have parties in school so he goes toquite a few. One mum last year had a soft play party and it was fantastic as everyone there either had complex SN or was a sibling. All the mum's satyed and it didn't matter that it was chaos and that they were all over the place- as they were all overr the place iyswim.

Thank you theshrimp. Don't think of it as considerate, my ds really likes him and they are friends. Actually didn't know he was in a wheelchair as he is never there when I drop off or pick up. After a whole year of ds talking about him I only just found out he was confined to wheelchair. Obviously my ds sees a friend before anything else.

On the no invite thing - there is a little girl also in ds's class who is severely allergic to so many foods I can't even count. She has never had an invite as people obviously don't want to accommodate her. She is invited too.

Merryways, the reason I assumed it was obvious that I - or his dad - would stay with him at a party is that when all the parents see him - (at the end of the day when they are picking their kids up, primarily) he is in his wheelchair. He can't walk. Perhaps it's me, but I am assuming that it would be obvious that we wouldn't just bring him to the party, park him in the middle of the living room on his own, or adbandon him at the front door (!).. and sod off!

Mymama, don't not invite the little boy in case soft play is inappropriate. Alex uses a wheelchair, but soft play is his favourite occupation in life! He can crawl and loves the rough and tumble of it all! I know this may not be the case for the child in question.. but invite him.. and his mum will soon tell you if he can't handle it. Then maybe you could invite him to tea on another occasion instead.

Re numbers invited parties, I have usually let my kids pick a selection - and then give the invites out with discretion and explain to DS or DD why this is necessary - because I haven't bveen able to afford the sort of party that you invite the whole class to. Except once when we hired a bouncy castle for the garden for DS1's 7th birthday. The whole class were invited to that. And re Alex, as I said, I specifically invited those that his one-to-one told me play with him the most/make time for him etc.

And yes, those who said it's the social thing (lack of) with the parents dur to Alex going on transport that is a bit offputting - I suppose that must be a factor. But I have to say, it wouldn't really be, to me. I would just give the invite to the teacher/TA. In fact I did that anyway, with DD's, last week, so that the teacher could put them disceetly in the books bags so that those we couldn't invite would not feel left out.

SJ x

DS1 has had remarkably few party invites and this is something that makes me sad on his behalf.

He also had a massive meltdown at his own party this year though so I think that's just about guaranteed no more party invites in return for him.

Ah well. I'm hoping to persuade him that for his 7th birthday it would be better to have an outing to the cinema or something rather than a party.

Jess,

I can see where you're coming from here. Ignorance and fear are powerful things.

On a slightly different tack I really wish that parents in particular would not stand in the playground and hand out invites - the parents of the non invitees do notice. Far kinder in my view to hand invites to teacher so these can be put in book bags. One of my son's classmates last year handed out invites to his party - to everyone else except my son. Fortunately my son did not notice but I certainly did and felt very hurt. This was soon replaced by the feeling, "well its his loss for not inviting my son".

Mymama - do invite this boy you mention to your son's party. Am glad to see that there are some considerate people out there.

As an aside, SJ, my non-SN DD has never had a party invite to borthdays from any of her nursery friends. She's been at nursery for a year now and parties have happened but she's never been invited. I don't know why, she's outgoing, friendly and gets on well with all of the kiddies in her nursery group. It makes me a bit . I can only assume that it is because the other kids have never had an invite to a borthday party for DD, but that's because she is an August baby and birthday parties tend to be a pretty low key family affair so far (and because any party is well into the summer hols so invites aren't as easy to get out to the kids).

My ds2 has ADHD and was rarely invited to parties at primary. Now he's in Y11 he seems to spend practically every weekend at someone else's house.

I don't have a child with SN but it also makes me really cross when I see parents handing out invites or letting the child do it. So hard for the children not invited. I do understand not every child can be invited but discretion would be nice! So sorry to hear that your children have not been invited because of their needs. Is it the same with the mums??? Do they try to befriend you or are you left out a little??

Initially I made an effort to talk to the other mums whilst waiting to pick up ds, but now I just don't bother. I can only imagine how stories have circulated about how aggressive and unruly my child is, as I'm not sure if they're aware of my ds's autism. If they spoke to my ds though they'd realise soon enough he has some sort of special needs. I don't try and strike up a conversation anymore, how can I when my ds might have been aggressive towards their child that day. I feel that some parents take an automatic dislike to the parent of the child who upsets all the other children. You know, blame it on the childs upbringing sort of attitude. Perhaps I have a touch of paranoia though.

The ms mums were always perfectly friendly when ds1 was at ms school, but we couldn't ever really socialise - and tbh I just felt that they knew nothing about my life, couldn;t even begin to imagine it, that talking to them just left me with a kind of fixed smile. At special school I've found that we all have a better idea of what life is like for each other. There's no school gates routine, but coffee mornings and events means lots of opportunities for socialising and we seem to understand each other.

To give an example I was talking to a mum the other day who is holding a party ds2 has been invited to- I wanted to make sure it was OK just to drop him as I have ds1 at home that day and she said to bring ds1 as well (impossible). I said I couldn;t and she said "well he plays doesn;t he?" and I had to say "err well, no" and she was really shocked. Somehow we're just comeing from such different places there's very litte room to meet. They were always pleasant though, don;t get me wrong.

Boozy, why don't you tell them that your child is autistic and explain to them what that means. They probably don't realize it, and have no idea of the implications of it. I know I didn't before joining mumsnet. So when I did find out that my son's friend was autistic, I had a much better idea of how to deal with him and how not to upset him (like trying to chase him around the playground to give him a birthday party invite in secret).
I'm sure that many of the parents do think that it's just caused by bad parenting, but unless someone sets them straight, they will never know otherwise. And never learn to mitigate their behavior, or even worse teach their children what it means. (for example, my son asked me the other day why his friend got to draw when the rest of them had to sit in a circle...at least i could give an explanation that didn't involve a judgement of the child, because i knew that it was a consequence of his autism).
I guess people are also much more open and friendly about these things here in sunny california....

Sofia, I know you're absolutely right, and I suppose it's the obvious solution, but it's just so hard to do in reality, for me anyway. As I'm not really on friendly terms with most parents it's difficult to just comment that my child is autistic. It makes sense to mention it when he's displaying strange behaviour in front of a parent or even when he's being particulary aggresive but the right words never come out of my mouth. I'm too preoccupied with trying to prise my son away, and always scuttle away apologising. I have mentioned it to a couple of parents and I certainly didn't feel embarrased or ashamed or anything like that, it just never seems to be an appropraite time to explain. But I know you are right and I'm just making life alot harder for myself.

Boozy I guess it would be quite difficult to bring up as a subject but it would also be sad to have other mums thinking your ds is a tearaway child all year. You may also need to explain/remind them from time to time. I have a very close friend who's ds2 needs a heart transplant but can't have it until he is 7 (4 yrs away). He can't put his head lower than his heart or certain other things. Although she has explained it and I have listened and tried my hardest to understand, sometimes I need her to explain things to me again or I have to ask if he can do this or that if he is at my house. I realise he is not SN but his health varies week to week and his behaviour and requirements change too.

BCMW i dont usually explain, i don't think any of his class know. Its not that i don't want them to know but he's a child like all the rest, i don't see their mums explaining their behaviour which is sometimes worse than my ds. But when his behaviour is particularily odd or someone makes rude comments then i do.