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SN children

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Original poster

What's wrong with her? Is she really loving?

41 replies

ThomBat · 04/10/2005 12:49

Just up for a convo on this really.

"What's wrong with her?" was something someone asked me on Friday. At first I hadn't a clue what she meant so siad 'pardon, what' and looked quizzical. So she repeated it and then it dawned on me she meant what was up with Lottie, as in what are her special needs, why isn't she walking? So I just said 'sorry i don't know what you mean'. So she made herself clear by saying 'well she's not walking is she bless her, what's wrong with her'? i just laughed and said 'ohhh right, well nothing's wrong with her, she's just great, but she's not walking yet becasue she has Down's syndrome' and then said 'come on Lottie choose a book so mummy can pay', and the women sias'ohhh I've got two Downs syndrome cousins'. I resisted the tempation to correct and just smiled sweetly and carried on with my day.

The other thing on Friday was someone who was standing next to us looking at Lottie and smiling and then nodded at her and looked at me and said 'they';re very loving aren't they'. I found this one a little more tricky. What I actually said was 'I don't know, are they? I can't speak for every person who has Down's syndrome. My DD is very loving with her mummy yes, but what child isn't? She's a very loving litle girl yes, but she's also a whinger, and an awkward litt;le madam sometimes.'

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Original poster

ThomBat · 04/10/2005 16:07

LOL JimJams!

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suedonim · 04/10/2005 16:47

I think the first remark is a bit cheeky, I could never ask a Q like that! But the second remark is one of life's platitudes, people trying to be positive. I can imagine in a small way how you feel, TC, because when ds2 was a child he had brittle asthma, a severe form of the condition. Everyone-but-everyone would say, 'Oh they grow out of that, don't they!' sometimes with the addition of 'at 7/14/21 years old' as used to be thought. After I'd been struggling to keep ds2 going through hospitalisations, burst lungs, medications, sleepless nights I sometimes used to want to reply 'Yes, I'm sure he'll grow out of it - if it doesn't kill him first!' But I never did say that, I was only ever brave enough to smile and sweetly remark something like 'so they say.' It gets boring, though, to hear the same thing again and again but they mean well, I suppose.

Original poster

ThomBat · 04/10/2005 16:57

hi suedonim Yes I know it's just people trying to find something to say, something positive, and it's not an awful thing to do, farfrom it, it's just that it still doesn't feel right when people say it. it's the they are all so loving, grouping these very individual people together with a bit of a generalisation. It's so not the end of the world, it's just a bit.... uncomfrotable sometimes that's all, no real biggie. Like jimjams says a stock answer is the one, something along the lines of 'well i don't know about everyone with DS, I mean everyone with DS is very much an individual but actually yes, with her firends and family my DD is very loving, she's also a right litle madam sometimes, she's like any kid really' and then give them my biggest of smiles.

As for the 'what's wrong with her' comments - I think the standard response is 'nothing at all'

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suedonim · 04/10/2005 19:37

Yes, iswym about it being uncomfortable, TC. It's almost as if you're being held to represent a whole part of society, when in fact you only know your own bit of it. When I was young we knew quite a number of children and adults with Down's. The stock remarks were the usual 'They're very affectionate' but it usually came paired with 'Of course, they're very musical.' I was never very sure what people meant by that - listening, playing instruments, singing? - or even if it were true.

All the people we knew with Down's were as different as anyone else is. The one who sticks most in my mind was a little girl called Giovanna(sp). She used to wait for me to go past on my way to and from school and I'd stop and talk to her. With Giovanna I had my own welcoming committee and she made me feel special, esp as I was having a hard time feeling unimportant because of family problems. I mattered to Giovanna, she was always pleased to see me. I can see her now, dark eyes and rosy red cheeks set off by her beautiful Italian colouring and the darkest hair you can imagine. All this was 35 years ago but I've never forgotten her. I wonder where she is now. She had a big, loving, Italian family so I hope she is with them. G*d, I've gone all nostalgic now!

LadyFioOfTipton · 04/10/2005 19:45

hey sue being all nostalgic hey

i must admit thomcat when they get a bit older people dont say as much, or maybe its because I scowl if i see a comment coming

suedonim · 04/10/2005 21:29

Yup, I've gone all sentimental, Fio! You'll know of the family - they run the big coffee bar with the curved windows, on the corner of the seafront and William St. Giovanna and her family lived in Pier Avenue.

LadyFioOfTipton · 04/10/2005 21:38

I am going to have to CAT you! or maybe I have had too much wine or something again

suedonim · 04/10/2005 22:34

Heehee, I'm hitting the wine, too. And I'm drinking alone, as dh is away. I can't go 6 weeks without alcohol! I've even learned how to open a bottle myself.

LadyFioOfTipton · 04/10/2005 22:35

my dh is away too, and yes sue I am an antisocial drinker aswell

suedonim · 04/10/2005 22:46

LOL!!

suedonim · 04/10/2005 22:47

Drat, got to go and talk to dh on the phone. How annoying, it's more fun to talk to you!

eidsvold · 05/10/2005 06:13

Oh TC - I usually say she has her moments like any other child when people say that of dd1 - little hard for them to see that when she insists on kissing everything in sight.... leaves, flowers, floor!!! OR I say not always - you should see her at bed time... or something along those lines...

I think no1 was just plain rude - similar to the checkout chick who asked me what 'they' say dd1's learning capabilities would be?!?!? I mean who the hell are you and what business is it of yours.... having shopped there a number of times always avoiding her checkout - I see that she asks really strange questions of all sorts of people and perhaps I should not have been so offended. In reply to her question I just said I beg your pardon and looked at her like I did not understand........ I have no comeback but I think you did well in your response to her.

Merlot · 05/10/2005 09:49

Tc you seem to have managed maximum restraint with your answers given that your pregnancy hormones must be very well established by now!

I would have felt like punching this people's lights out! I mean what do these people think gives them the right to comment like that? Ignorance I think!

Merlot · 05/10/2005 09:50

Tc you seem to have managed maximum restraint with your answers given that your pregnancy hormones must be very well established by now!

I would have felt like punching this people's lights out! I mean what do these people think gives them the right to comment like that? Ignorance I think!

Merlot · 05/10/2005 09:50

Tc you seem to have managed maximum restraint with your answers given that your pregnancy hormones must be very well established by now!

I would have felt like punching this people's lights out! I mean what do these people think gives them the right to comment like that? Ignorance I think!

Original poster

ThomBat · 05/10/2005 10:47

I'm loving my pregnancy hormones. Love being mad, wild woman, and yes come to think of it, didn't I do well to not knock anyone out. I was having a rush of happy hormones it would seem!

Edisvold - there you are, where have you been?
Good to hear from you anyway. xx

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