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Original poster

Neighbours complaining - noise (asd) HELP

32 replies

midgeymoo · 25/08/2005 11:45

Crying today as my next door neighbour (we moved in about 5 months ago) knocked on my door at 8 am to say that we had made their lives a living hell and to ask me to control my children's noise. My ds (5 next week) has a very high pitched penetrative voice and has real difficulty with volume. I try so hard to keep the noise down and really didn't feel it was that bad but he said that he and his wife can't take it any more and that I need to do something about it. I said that as it was the summer I understood that we were home a little more but he reapeated that it had been since we moved in and that they are considering moving and his wife can't stand it. They have 2 children who I never hear! Now I feel so ashamed and crappy and I don't know what to do as my ds has such a loud voice but he doesn't know how to control it. And on the whole the sounds are just play sounds.

Any ideas. All I've done since is moan at the kids and cry! I have signs around the house for my ds like, walk on the stairs, try and use your indoor voice etc but he finds it so hard to remember and really it's just instinctive for him to speak loudly.

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Original poster

midgeymoo · 25/08/2005 11:46

forgot to say, my ds has AS..

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littlemissbossy · 25/08/2005 11:48

Oh poor you what an awful situation... do they understand about your ds?

Original poster

midgeymoo · 25/08/2005 11:53

I tried to explain that he has difficulty following the rules and that he remembers to do things quietly as long as he is constantly reminded but he just said that I needed to control them. I have ds and dd (6) and it really is just from ds. It's a high pitch and loud, and obviously all the noise of his 'play' with his sister when he gets frustrated he gets upset and shouts and cries.

If I hadn't just moved I'd consider moving but can't afford a detached house. We live in an old semi so I thought it couldn't be too bad but clearly it is.

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Original poster

midgeymoo · 25/08/2005 11:55

Oh and when I forced myself to say, he has AS, the man just said 'oh we didn't know he was ill' but then repeated, 'you need to control them'

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littlemissbossy · 25/08/2005 11:57

ok I've thought about this a bit more... I would write them a letter, explaining how upset you have found this, that you never realised the distress they were being caused and fully explain your son's condition - don't feel crap about this, it's not your fault. I would also explain the steps you have already taken to try and reduce the amount of noise that he does make and assure them that you will continue to do so. AND KEEP a copy of the letter - very important for future reference.

Try not to worry too much, the only thing they can do is complain to your local council who will investigate on their behalf. Given your circumstances, I'm sure that the council would be very sympathtic. Hope this helps

bran · 25/08/2005 12:03

I feel very sorry for both sides, obviously you do all that you can but annoying noise will still be annoying no matter how sympathetic the neighbours are. Have you considered sound-proofing the connecting wall, it would cost a bit but it would make quite a difference to the amount of noise that is carried through the wall.

Merlot · 25/08/2005 12:04

Agree, I think a letter is perfect - gives you a chance to think about what you want to say without being put on the spot.

Original poster

midgeymoo · 25/08/2005 12:05

Maybe that's something I can look into but cost is going to be a big factor.

I've always had such kind neighbours, when he was a baby my neighbours were wonderful, but forced to move due to a divorce and I guess I'm just shocked a little by this.

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macwoozy · 25/08/2005 12:24

I would do what littlemissbossy has suggested and write a letter explaining all about AS, and how it affects your ds and the family. They then might be more sympathetic and realise it has nothing to do with you not being able to control him.

Original poster

midgeymoo · 25/08/2005 12:28

I will write today. I hope that it will promote some understanding. I really can't stop him shouting, I tell him, I remind him, I give him visual cues all round the houes, but he just cannot seem to find a smaller voice.

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Davros · 25/08/2005 12:36

I would write a letter but I would also speak to Social Services and explain the situation. Ask about getting money for sound proofing or try the Family Fund? I think Soc Svs need to know about this situation now in case it gets any worse. We had a letter through our door two summers ago about DS's noises. DH was so angry he tore it up and I was cross as I would have taken it to the Police, I'm serious, it was an annonymous, disturbing if not threatening, letter. I was also extremely upset so I know how you feel, its shit isn't it?

Tortington · 25/08/2005 13:08

is there a leaflet on as that you could send him or some information?

i would remind him that he is obliged by law to tell the buyers of his house if he has officially reported any noise - that should make him think

Original poster

midgeymoo · 25/08/2005 14:49

I just feel so crappy. Thank you davros for your advice. I'll go down that route, and custardo, that's a really good point.

I just feel so very hurt and so very exhausted..

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PeachyClair · 25/08/2005 14:53

Hiya

My DS1 has AS, and I know only too well the noises (In fact I can hear them right now...), and I live in dread of this. We have a great paramedic on one side who understands some of the situation (been here 3 months), on the other side though the house is being renovated for a VERY grumpy, witchy middle aged lasy who is going to give us hell, I know it!

I can only send you sympathy, but what I would (will?) do is get as much from NAS as you can, copy it and post through their door. It MIGHT just help!

misdee · 25/08/2005 14:58

i live next door to 3 severly disabled kids. they are loud. one of them screeches constantly, and i am ashamed to say that some days it annoys the hell out of me. but its not their fault, i know that, but thats life. it annoys me more when the dad is yelling tho.

Tiggiwinkle · 25/08/2005 15:03

midgeymoo
I too sympathise-my son also has AS. Agree with the others about a letter plus NAS info-hopefully he will be more tolerant once he understands the situation. It amazes me how many people are still unaware of AS given the amount of publicity it has had recently. (But I suppose it is one of those things you only take notice of once it personally affects you!)
Good luck with the letter!

troutpout · 25/08/2005 19:40

Oh you poor thing...bet that made you feel so crap....i can just imagine.

I think the letter fully explaining the situation will really help.You are already taking measures to help the situation...make sure your neighbours know this.It sounds to me as if he really has no idea of your sons difficulties at all. Perhaps this will make a lot of difference.
I really hope you can get some help from Social Services like Davros says.

Davros · 25/08/2005 19:45

Mind you, I can sympathise with the neighbours believe it or not! My DS's noises annoy ME, never mind others but I have to live with it 24/7, not just at home but everywhere. You can't just stop him doing it and your neighbour will have to learn that, we've all got to tolerate certain things.

Original poster

midgeymoo · 25/08/2005 20:22

That's exactly how I feel Davros, Thanks

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PennyLess · 25/08/2005 20:29

I have no experience of AS, but I really really sympathise for you. I can imagine how upset you must have been.

Putting myself in the shoes of your neighbours - that is to say, a family about whom I know nothing moves in next door, and all I get is a rumpus and intolerable "noises", I can see why I would go round to see them. I would have felt irritated - not with the child/ren (I mean Heavens, all children make a noise if they are allowed to) but with the parents for not having the consideration to keep the noise down for the sake of their neighbours ie me.

Do you see the point I am trying to make? Without a knowledge of your ds'condition, they cannot be expected to understand what you, his parents are up against. (Although I must say I'm not sure that amount of melodrama would be called for!)

The letter is a brilliant idea, and absolutely the way to go. When you told the man about your ds' AS, he was all fired up and not able to consider this new info rationally. If you write, outlining the implications of the AS (ie what impact it has on your ds' behaviour/understanding/etc) and also what you do to try to manage it within the framework of day to day life, then they no longer have grounds to feel irritated with you. They will understand that this is not a simple "parenting" issue.

I think you will find that it works out ok. I am so sorry that this has upset you so much. Try not to get too worked up about it just now, as it may well be ok once you have written - and it will certainly be better once the holidays are over!

PeachyClair · 26/08/2005 13:39

Davros- couldn't have said it better myself- I HATE the noises, I find them at least as stressful as the obsessions etc (more so probably), because I can take myself away from therest of it but the noises can be heard EVERYWHERE in the house. It's also exaccerbated by DS2 having hearing loss and therefore shouting everything, and DS3 and DS2 naturally copy their eldest brother's noises. I need ear plugs!

Original poster

midgeymoo · 27/08/2005 09:01

Have you just got tolerant neighbours then?

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PeachyClair · 27/08/2005 10:42

One tolerant, one empty house- SOFAR- grumpy old lady moving in though.

edam · 27/08/2005 11:02

All the suggestions here sound excellent. Tell him you are investigating soundproofing the party wall. Hopefully when he understands the situation he'll be more sympathetic. Worth asking if there's any particular time when he finds the noise most irritating - not sure there's much you can do about it but if he thinks you appreciate what his problem is, maybe it will help?

colditz · 27/08/2005 11:36

is there a particular room your ds makes a lot of noise in? You could nail a double quilt up on the joining wall.....

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