Just had a meeting with the school and they think there is something wrong with DS :-(

[Overmydeadbody]

Was called in to see the SENCO and his teacher.

Aparantly they are very concerned but don't know what is wrong so are refering him for specialist assesment.

In the meantime he has been asigned a TA to work one to one with him at all times.

He's just my normal little 5 yr old. No problems at home, very intelligent and interested in the world.

He hasn't settled at all into the classroom aparantly. Hides under the table. Blanks people. Doesn't respond to questions or take part in discussions. Wants to be on his own. Worst of all, he can be unkind to the other children in the playground

I'm really worried now. Have I been blind to the signs? What could it be?

overmydedbody my ds1 was very much like that and he simply 'grew out' of it hes 15 now v popular v lively full of fun and still very clever sometimes we can look way to deep-i worried myself quite literally sick.....i hate hate hate that phrase 'wrong with him' theres nothing wrong with him he has his own foibles and he may or may not learn differently but thats not WRONG,hopfully with a bit of extra support he will be able to adapt his 'foibles' and (i hate this word too) 'fit in'- dont you worry tho hes still your sweet clever funny little boy.

OMDB
my ds2 can tick just about everything on your list too. He has dyscalculia (not a big deal at all) but other than that is a bright, quirky, brilliant, slightly eccentric 7 year old who I think is going to grow up to be a wonderful, caring, thoughtful man. i feel sure your ds will be the same.

you are right chapstick, I am glad your DS grew out of it and also don't like the word 'wrong' or even 'different' but I guess the school are concerned about him that's all.

Idobelieve funny you should mention pain, he is for the most part, very good at dealing with it, he will cry if he's just with me but if it's in public he will delay crying or making a fuss until he is in my arms. He has problams with fluid retention on his hip which causes a huge amount of pain, but at the hospital he would not show that is was painful, or even tell the doctor if it hurt as she manhandled him. He refuses plasters alltogether and when they took blood in hospital he didn't cry at all at the big needle in his hand, but cried when the nurse put a plaster on and obsessed about me taking it off for him.

He has never allowed up to sing happy birthday to him on his birthday since he was three. At two he cried and burried his head in my shoulder when people started singing. As a toddler singing and music groups where his worst nightmare and after one session I couldn't get him through the door for more.

thank you ingles2, that is very reassuring to know. I am off to look up dyscalcula now.

I really hope DS finds a way to be himself but also get the most out of school and 'fit in'when he has to to make the most of life.

The school sound good OMDB. I like that they want to make school accessible and fun for him.

Yes Buda, it is, it is also very small, which is great most of the time and suits DS I think, but I also worry it means they need the children to all conform and there is not so much room for variety

OH my gosh, never happy birthday songs here either....infact nursey rhymes were a big no no, especially pat-a-cake which obv involved the clapping of hands...he would go balistic at them.

IF there is anything there it does sound very very mild and i am sure he will adjust/seem more involved as he gets older, my ds certainly has with just a little bit of guidance.

OMDB - there are quite a few things you describe that would ring alarm bells for ASD. It's important to remember that if your ds gets help at school now i.e. early intervention, it really will help him. This is all good that is happening even though it feels a big worry now. I've come out the other side and really glad we got support for our ds.
Chap says her ds grew out of it at 15. Intervention now might mean a smoother ride in his early years when confidence can be so easily dented.

It is very reassuring to hear that DS isn't the only one not liking the singing Idontbelieve!

Bless him, 5 is so young and I do think that some children take longer than others to adapt to school.

When my dd was 5 she was very introverted, did not like or take part in group activity, prefered been on her own. I had to prompt her to reply if a friend of hers said hello to her as we crossed the playground. She;s an only child which I think may have some bearing. She is intelligent but also a day dreamer.

I remember a friend of mine at dd's 5th birthday saying he thought dd was "odd" because another child came up and said hello to my dd and my dd just stared at this other kid. I suppose to him (no kids) it was maybe a bit odd but I rememebr been annoyed at him for saying this. In my mind it was just something 5yos did, maybe my dd more so than most.

Anyway she's 7 now. Her teacher last year said although she can still be quiet in the classroom she does join in. As for in the playground - she's the one organising the games apparantly!

She's certainly not got aspergers. She is dyslexic but I don't think that made a difference.

Sorry you are having to deal with this OMDB.

I just wanted to say that the list of eccentricities sounds very similar to my DS who has mild AS. He also knew the name of every make of car by the age of 2 although thankfully he has grown out of it now! He doesn't have any language problems though, but instead has motor problems/dyspraxia which is common with AS children.

In my DS's case his AS is so mild that the consultant paed. clinical psych who saw him thought he had social communications difficulties but not badly enough to label him AS - it was the review team at the end of the dx process that put that label on him.

It isn't an all or nothing thing - my HV described it by saying that the spectrum runs from 1 to 10 where 1 is NT and 10 is worst case autistic. I would put my DS at 2.5 on the scale after the 2's who are the eccentrics but essentially NT. What I am trying to say is that although you can list a lot of eccentricities, it doesn't necessarily mean that he has AS. What we tend to do, myself included, is to list all the things that are wrong and not think about all the things that our children do absolutely normally but which are just as important.

The great thing is that the school hasn't labelled your DS as rude or naughty and have the wit to consider that there might be a bigger problem. So often on MN I read about mothers who can't get the school to accept their child is having problems. If they want to give him help, even before he is assessed then it can do no harm and probably will do good no matter what the outcome is.

Do you know how they propose to get him assessed?

My DS has a few problems with making friends at school but he does have a few friends and on the whole, because they understand him and accept him, he is happy, bright and loving little boy. I wouldn't wish AS on him but on the other hand, he is happy and healthy and it could be so much worse for him.

I know it is easy to say don't worry but really, early intervention will make a big difference in years to come.

Good luck.

Thank you nikos.

I am feeling really bad now for getting so cross with him over the pst two weeks for getting into trouble at school

I should have been supporting him, not placing expectations on him.

Stripey some of my child-free friends have also commented on DS being a bit 'odd', which I always put down to them not having experience of children, but actually now I think they have a point.

Even my family often call him an 'odd boy' or 'strange boy', but meant in a playful and certainly accepting way. They allow him all of his little eccentricities and actively participate in them (like forever buying him things to spin).

Neicie thank you for your words of wisdom and the insight into your DS. It has given me a lot fo food for thought.

I've just remembered he also refuses to look people in the eye if he doesn't want to hear what they are saying, like if I'm telling him off for example or trying to explain why he can't do something

OMDB, dont feel bad you didnt notice. I didnt either. I was told when DS started year 2 in school that he was really struggling to the point of exclusion at school. We started the assessment process then and only this summer has he been diagnosed with Atypical Autism, ODD and SPD. I can be missed and only show itself in school environment which was the case the first time the school apporached me about DS and his behaviour, up till that point i had just accepted DS was a challenge and didnt realise he was not 'normal' IYKWIM.

I know the eye contact one as well - 'if I don't look at you, I won't hear you'!

I make him look at me if it is important, even if only briefly, so I know he has heard.

Do you have other children OMDB? If you don't then it is extremely difficult to know, with mild cases, if there is a problem so don't beat yourself up about not noticing.

I started to wonder when we were trying to move house when DS was 3 and I think the strain of a new baby brother and the ever present talk of moving (it took 6 mths) made his traits more obvious. It was actually when I met his pre-school teachers for a sort of de-brief before he left that somebody said something to me and confirmed my own 'back of my mind' thoughts. He had stopped joining in, was talking to himself and hand flapping in circle time and generally not engaging any more.

I also have a psychology degree so I probably knew more than most about ASDs in theory (reality is very different, mind you).

If your DS has lead a quiet life and had no big upheavals which have put him under pressure and brought out the odd behaviour then you would be hard pushed to notice.

Starting YR1 has meant your DS has had to conform to a stricter regime so it is not surprising they are noticing things now.

OMDB,

I can't help with regards to the age your son is, as my eldest is 2.9, but I just want you to know that your feelings are completely normal.

I was told last week at pre-school that DD (2.9) is 'behind' and they feel that they need to secure 1:1 funding for her. Intellectually, I think she is fine, but her behaviour and emotional maturity seems to be behind.

I swing in my emotions through the day.

I feel relieved, because they are telling me that they know she isn't just being naughty, and they know I have good discipline strategies at home, and that she is going to get help. Realising that perhaps this is why I find it so much harder than my friends have seemed to, and feeling like a failure when she climbs on to that table for the 20th time in one toddler session, despite being disciplined.

Then my heart breaks for my gorgeous little girl who I thought was just highly strung, independent and inquisitive, and realise that I can't tell myself everything is fine and pre-school are exaggerating. I worry for her, then feel glad that they have picked it up. Then worry some more

The guilt is the worst bit, isn't it? Replaying situations that you now see in a different light.

I will stop wittering on, but I just want you to know that you are not alone, in any sense, with this, and your son is still your lovely, adorable boy with a few eccentricities, it is simply that there might be a reason for them that has a special name.

Thank you bonkerz.

Neicie, that is all very interesting. Yes DS is an only, but I have 4 years experience as a primary teacher, have a PGCE, and a Psyxhology degree too and am rather miffed that I didn't really notice!

Interestingly, we are in the process of moving house too, perhaps the anxiety that is causing him coupled with the pressure of being in Yr1 are making his difficulties more obvious in the school setting when they wouldn't otherwise be?

The thing that always stayed in the back of my mind as a niggle was the spinning obsession and the late development of talking and communicating.

We do leed a quiet life at home, he is generaly left to his own devises and can do what he wants (not in a getting his own way, just in that he is sensible and trustworthy and not a problem so doen't need a lot of supervision).

oh lou, you weren't wittering at all! All of what you said made sense, especially the emotions and swinging from being relieved that the school haven't just labelled him naughty to the guild of how I've handled situations in the past to the sadness at the challenges this may bring up for him!

Parenting ey, who'd have known it would be such a constant emotional rollercoaster and challenge!

Oh blimey OMDB I didn't mean to add to your miffed-ness.

It is difficult when it is your own. You can't be objective because you relationship is too emotional - I should imagine you aren't advised to teach your own child in school for that reason?

My ds who is being assessed was my third child and I didn't spot it. It is VERY common for parents with high functioning children not to spot it. The signs are so subtle. The only sign with my son was that he played on his own a lot. Then he hit preschool and the problems started.
He's got 1 to 1 support (he's 4) and he's doing great.
This is a good thing that's happening, even though it doesn't feel good.

Hi OMDB,

Please remember that weather or not your DS has an ASD or not, he is still the same little boy, either way it wont change him.

I think your right in saying that, the house move and change in class has just been to much for him , but on a plus point if he coped ok in reception class then once things have settled down at school and home then so should your DS .

Lots of things your have writen about your DS i can also relate to, your DS sounds alot like my DD. All the way through your list i was nodding my head LOL. She is 6 (also just moved into YR1) and has AS. She is the sweetest most adorable child !! and i wouldnt change one bit of her (warts an all). Her AS is part of who she is.

Currently she is doing really well, she needs extra support for some things - but on a whole she is doing fine, and more importantly is happy .

12 mths ago it was i totally differant story, the school she was in totally didnt get her and basically treated her like she was NT (she had a DX btw and square peg round hole springs to mind). She is now in a school that are very experiance and has just started to really blossom. She is showing an interest in the other children and is trying really hard to make friends.

Hi OMDB and others in this thread,
Just to say I well remember that sick feeling of disbelief that ANYTHING could be wrong with my ds - his assessment started in nursery and he finally got a statement at the end of Reception. Now he is in Y2 and has lots of support at school and is happy and settled there, doing well. It has taken me almost all that time to come to terms with it and finally celebrate him AS HE IS. He doesn't have ASD but there are a few similarities - his dx is 'global developmental delay'.

I was very interested in Idobelieveinfairies mentioning pain as that is something that I had been SURE was unusual (never scratched his chicken pox blisters or mosquito bites and he once made his back bleed by scratching it on an open bath chain link and when I, horrified, said how did you do that, he said 'I'll do it again' - not masochism I don't think, he just didn't feel it - it was just like a scratch to him). Makes me wonder how these symptoms occur. He 'hand flaps' a bit with excitement which also marks him out as different from other children but it's one of his most endearing traits because he just fizzes when he likes something - all the teachers love his enthusiasm for any activity!

Anyway, looking back, my initial annoyance that anyone had found fault with him has turned into respect for the professionals who knew what they were talking about and did everything to get the system to help. When it works, the education system can be brilliant for SN in this country - I've been amazed and impressed.

Thanks for your positive take on things Teatime.

I agree with you - some schools are brillant, DSs's included, and really know what they are doing with SN children and how to spot them. It sounds like OMDB has got a good one who are willing to help.

It is a hard thing to deal with, when you child has a dx for something, so I feel for those who have to deal with schools who are in denial and won't listen to concerns. They must feel very isolated.