IEP meeting -felt my opinions not wanted.

[Szyslak]

My DS2 (5yrs) was just given an IEP at the end of last term. It was sent home for consultation and to be signed. I had some views about some of the targets so wrote a letter to the SENCo with my opinions of the targets and their suitability (I am an EP), for discussion.

We had a meeting today where the SENCo told me that 'I was in a parent role now' and that my comments made her feel that |i was questioning her professionalism.

I explained that I had every confidence in her (I do,) but that I thought that comments and consultation were welcomed from parents.

She kept repeating 'you are the parent here', I sadi I was, but that I couldn't pretend not to have thr knowledge that I do have, I am a parent with some some expertise.

I now feel crap, I feel I should have just played ignorant, kept my opnion to myself, signed the IEP without question like most parents do.

Now they think I'm up my own arse, and I'm going to be a royal pain in the neck.(being up your arse would give you a a pain in the neck).

If I'm honest I'm also upset as they now don't like me.

Should- I have just kept quiet?
Should you just play along and be grateful?

Parent consultaion, parent partnership, my arse.

IT is a tough one, very familiar with IEPs, EPs and teachers. This is a school where they do not want, nor are used to being personally accountable and like to assume everything is rosy because results are high.
You deserve better but it is important to get along although do not be fearful of creating a high profile. Things will be done for your ds because of it.
So........ I would write a letter, very sweetly and politely, readdressing the situation.
Say that you did not mean for your comments to be inflammatory,
things are off to a bad start but lets rectify them quickly,
you find it tricky being in both camps,
they are doing a fab job (repeat this several times).
you know that you are a parent but cannot "lose" professional knowledge,
both sides can gain professional knowledge from this situation,
you feel bad about the meeting
and that working together is paramount.
Copy in class teacher and head.

Just read all the thread and see that Romy suggested the same thing!! You must think I am mad!

Thanks bamboo, it's a good suggestion, except I am a bit wary of letter writing now, fear it makes me look officious.

The meeting enede all hunky dory. I did expalin that my letter was meant to be for discussion and was not meant in any way to be a critisism of her or her work, I apoogsed for any upset and said that maybe I misjudged the tone.

She seemed plaesed with this and all ended well, except for the bad aftertaste.

I think I'll keep a low profile for a few weeks and consider my future approach, more along the lines of yours and Romy's suggestions.

Never ever be wary of putting things in writing. A paper trail in years to come could be very useful if your DS needs a Statement and you need evidence to back it up. Every letter should be filed in your DS's file and a copy sent to the LEA for their file. In years to come it could be very helpful and supportive to your DS.

Oh I know there are alot of crap, and quite frankly, wierd, EP's about, and I know all about, and understand the resentment felt towards EP's by some schools.

Obviously I like to think I am the exception.

Of course this will impact on how she responds to me.

But even EP's have feelings. Who knew.

Feeling very pent up about it toady and want to go charging back with the CoP about parental input, but luckily DH is holding me back and talking sense alomg Romy's line.

There is a danger of this becoming a power struggle between her and I, and of course it's not about us it's about DS2, and I need to remember that.

It just galls me SO much that parent partenership, actually equates to, calling you in for a meeting once a term, to tell you what their doing, with scant lipservice paid to actually listening to you.

EP or not I know lots of parents experiemnce this.

you can have your power struggle (like i said, it's all about control ), just the actual front line 'cut and thrust' has to initially be carried out with you playing the deferential role in this situation, to allow yourself to retain the control necessary to get the optimal outcome.
fwiw, this approach then allows you to set up a real parent partnership over time, and the termly meeting becomes the 'official' typewritten aspect of the day to day working relationship, and the record of the joint decisions you have all been making during the rest of the term. it is a shame that parents have to work so hard not to cross any invisible boundaries, but unfortunately it is often the only way to build a harmonious relationship. it does get easier, and eventually once they realise you aren't a 'threat', they relax a bit and you can start a real partnership relationship, in a less deferential manner. think of it as you professionally meeting a child with issues for the first time, and needing to build his trust to find out what's really going on in his head - you wouldn't go in with a list of demands and rules that he has to adopt immediately, as you know it would be instantly counter productive. just think of the teacher as a professional challenge if that helps
the other option of course, is even harder work, and you can start saving for the tribunal now lol. although goodness only knows how they'd untangle that particular row, with an EP parent against the LEA...
take a deep deep breath, and hope it all goes well from here...
with a rational head on though, it must be really interesting for you to feel how other parents feel when dealing with profs who refuse to listen lol...

The more I'm dwelling on this the more angry I'm getting.

Yes, I can underatnd her having a 'bloody hell' roll her eyes type response to recieving my letter, BUT she should have suppressed this for the meeting and responded in a professional manner to a parent who has a right, regardless of her personal sensitivities, to express opinions on her sons IEP.

I should not have been made to feel I was over stepping the mark, because even if she felt that, I wasn't. She knows the CoP andf so do I.

It was unprofessional of her to bring her feeling into the meeting, and to refer to my job, which should be irrelevant.

i wish I'd been more assertive on these pints instead of all apologetic and assuring.

It's really bugging me.

Szyslak - I think romy's analogy of the child was a good one - if you can see the way Senco behaved as analogous to office politics - that irritating as it may be, sometimes you can't just rely on fairness and justice -and that a bit of arse licking unfortunately may be what's called for. Agree with Candlewax about it being useful to have things written down in case of problems later on.

But did you refer to your job at any point in your letter expressing your views about the IEP? Because if you did, I think it is perfectly reasonable for the SENCO to refer to it during your meeting! Obviously I do not know the details of your child's IEP targets, but presumably they have been set after discussion with the class teacher and therefore will have some relevance to what they, in their professional opinion, believe is required at the moment? Sometimes, the parent, whether 'in the job' or not, is just too close to the situation. I know there have been several parents at the school where I work who have failed to pick up on their own child's difficulties until they have been pointed out. I do agree that you are entitled to make your views known, but I wonder if the comment about you being in a parental role was made just as a response to what you wrote/the tone of your letter?

I have never referred to my job, in my letter or anyother time, and I don't think they should either. It was unprofessional. It should not be a factor.

My comments were about how specific and measurable the targets were, and how they could be tightened up.

Some parents may not have knowledge to make these comments but lots would even if they don't work in education. the comment may get up the teachers nose, but, tough, she's meant to be a professional, deal with it professionallly, she should know parents entitlement.

I have a right to make comments, and IEP's should be drawn up following discussin with the parents and after considering parents views and comments. Parents then have the right to commenst upon the draft IEP and choose to agree with it or not.

Even if they are EP's.