4 year old with possible adhd - I'm desperately needing help

[Ikeepontrying]

I'm at my whits end. I could cry most days and I'm just clueless how to manage my 4 year old.

He struggles with instructions. Struggles to sit/stand still. Is terrible in restaurants, supermarkets. Overly confident with adults, thinks he's in charge of me. Screams at me most days for hardly doing anything. I don't feel like im living a normal life. He demands my attention all the time and can't play by himself.

He likes destroying/breaking things on purpose.

He's very much a mummy's boy and is very loving but I can't deal with all the screaming and defiance.

Where can I get some help? I've tried everything such as positive parenting, reward charts, clear simple instructions etc but things seem to be getting worse not better.

Nursery don't see any of what I see. He manages to follow instruction there but outside it's just terrible. I can see my family / friends think he's just unruly but I know it's more than that but im fed up with feeling so out of control.

Anyone please help me

Your comment made me laugh about also getting to restaurants bang on opening time and pre-reading the menu. Oh god, sometimes you have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all 🥲😂

Tbh some days are worse than others. Most of the time we just plough on as we are doing- working with the school on getting more support, doing the exact same sticker charts (to middling success) and colour charts as they use, sticking to exact same bedtime routine, using a chew/sensory necklace, limiting play dates to 60 minutes tops (if it's more than 1 other child, even shorter), limiting screen time, exercising constantly- bike rides before and after school on weekdays. God the list is endless but I'll spare you!
We don't go to any support groups or anything like that although do listen to so many podcasts about child adhd, specifically seek out anything with dr Barkley in (adhd specialist).
I'm constantly googling what more we can do (hence finding this thread!). Apparently there are training courses for parents which - once we get a diagnosis- we'll attend.

Hope everything works out well for you today! Praying no meltdowns in this heat 🙈

Well I've found a pda group on Facebook but I feel I don't belong after reading many horror stories on there. Seems mainly American from what I can tell but there's posts about pure violence, kids not bathing for months, kids rubbing into the road on purpose. Now I feel like ds doesn't have pda. He's nowhere near that extreme. I'm back to being confused 🙈

I wouldn’t necessarily rule it out. Just like with anything, there is a range of presentations. And, don’t forget those posting are going to be the ones at the more extreme end, those managing/coping are less likely to post on such a group. DS may also display demand avoidance without being at the level of having PDA (which in many areas in the UK isn’t diagnosed as a stand-alone diagnosis anyway).

My daughter can display some fairly extreme behaviour when disregulated but when her needs are met (which they mostly are at the moment) then she's OK (with occasional outbursts).

So hopefully this means you're doing a good job!

Yes I suppose I am trying to make sure all his needs are met as much as I can.

How would you deal with over the top screaming for minor things? Like he bumped into some drawers earlier and it didn't hurt but he screams at the top of his lungs again and again and it's deafening. He does this a lot over really small incidents. Any tips? I try keep calm and speak quietly in the hope he will stop so he can hear me. The neighbours must wonder what on earth is going on!

How do you know it didn’t hurt or cause him discomfort? Some people who are ND experience pain and sensation differently, so just because it may not have appeared to hurt/cause discomfort to you doesn’t mean it didn’t for DS. Sensory OT can help with this. SALT could also help DS communicate his needs/experience. The school supporting Zones of Regulation work would help, you could then prompt/model/discuss using the strategies in that colour.

Not read the full thread yet but YOU ARE NOT SHIT! It's not you fault you don't know everything and you've asked and now are learning which is about the best anyone can do.

m.facebook.com/groups/207951976411320/?ref=share

Facebook group FULL of parents of ND kids you can get advice and read about other families like yours, god send honestly.

Thank you @olderthanyouthink !!

I'll have a look at the group 🙏🏻

How are you doing, OP? I am really struggling as well. My 4 year old is breaking my heart. It's not his fault, I know, but I just wish he was easier. He's a bit different to yours as he's great in shops and restaurants usually, but a nightmare when playing with other children and has lots of angry outbursts at nursery. I'm so worried about him starting school. We have an assessment type session with a HV next week as I suspect autism or ADHD or both. If she thinks he may be neurodiverse, we'll probably look at a private diagnosis as waiting lists are so long, but she said probably more than £1000...

Are there any parenting courses in your area? Such as Solihull or Triple P? Also, I've found the book 'How to talk so little kids listen' useful, and look up Positive Parenting solutions on Facebook...its American and you have to pay for the main course, but there are sometimes free webinars and you can sign up to get emails with useful content in them too.The lady talks alot of sense, such as about the power bucket and attention buckets that children need to fill each day.