Do you get frustrated with your DC's learning difficulties?

[cakedup]

I'm wondering if any parents of dyslexic/SEN children ever feel like I do, as I feel really awful about it.

DS (11) is severely dyslexic. He is about 3 years behind in literacy. He hates school more and more with each year as it gets more challenging, and now he has just started secondary school and he can't keep up with the pace.

When helping him with homework, or anything school related, I feel quite exasperated, frustrated and sad. He is not one of those dyslexic kids you read about who excel at something, or that you can see is really intelligent despite their literacy skills. He is not really good at anything. Except maybe swimming.

I've always told him otherwise. That he is brilliant, that he can't be measured by tests, that he will shine in other ways, that dyslexia means he just thinks differently and with that comes other skills. But I'm beginning to feel less convinced about it myself .

I have to help him with homework and I'm afraid sometimes my real feelings show. I have TA experience and a degree in creative education and I feel like a failure that I can't seem to find a way to help him do his homework.

For example, for history homework, I let him watch a short youtube video about the relevant subject. Then talked over the key points. Then asked him to answer the relevant homework question. I returned a few minutes later to find he had copied chunks of the video text (as it was subtitled). So I told him that this wasn't answering the question and was out of context. He said "oh, I thought you'd be proud of me" and looked genuinely disheartened, and I said "but all you've done is copy some text?" (whilst thinking, why would he even consider that an accomplishment?). I said no, in your own words. He couldn't do it. So I literally spoon-fed it to him and even then he was having difficulty. I would say "so you can say that people used to settle in one place and that's how civilisations would form" (after having explained this concept to him, showed pictures etc) and he'll say "so people weren't allowed to travel anywhere and were forced to make a civilisation" or something like that. And I just don't know how much plainer I can make it!!

I will always continue to praise him and am proud of him for being such a lovely, thoughtful child. But I find myself feeling gobsmacked at his inability to grasp very basic concepts...and I don't like feeling like that. I have done lots of research on dyslexia and can understand why he has some of these difficulties. But it seems to be such an extreme level and...no amazing gifts, skills, etc. to balance it out!

I hate feeling like this about him.

Autism is classes as a learning disability where dyslexia is not. To get dla you have to show that your child is harder to look after than a typical child of the same age. The form is complex but it. May be worth claiming you do not have to have a diagnosis just show difficult behaviour

Actually Vickibee they call dyslexia a "specific learning difficulty" or SpLD so it's not true to say it's "not classed as a learning difficulty" it often goes hand in hand with other issues such as ASD etc. Also DLA (Disability Living Allowance) is an entirely different thing to an EHCP (Educational Healthcare Plan) we have the latter, but not the former. My son gets funding through the EHCP.

CodeBreaker16 but they're not actually allowed to copy text off the internet are they? Won't they get in trouble if they are found out? I do feel responsible for the content of DS' homework to some extent because I have to supervise throughout.

I did hear of someone saying they got DLA on the basis of their ds but admitted it was most unusual.

Caked, I know this thread and moved on and stopped being active a while ago, but I just wanted to say how much I recognise feeling excluded by the 'SEN-with-a-special-gift' club. And add my own personal bugbear .

My DD is Y4, dyslexic and about 2 yrs behind in literacy - more in maths, school recognised the issues in Y2 and she has specific interventions. I hate all those posts that go 'once we got a diagnosis and interventions in place DC started flying'. I spend a lot of time muttering to myself - then they didn't have dyslexia, they had some kind of single processing issue that just needed compensating for.. and I hate feeling so mean spirited. It's just heartbreaking again to see that even with the right support the gap between DD and her peers just grows.

Incredibly frustrating, yes.

FWIW a lot of 11 year olds would struggle to really understand the concept of civilisations.

You want him to do HW to NT standard.

I usually allow DS to do things at his own level. At 11 he could have never grasped the concept of "civilisations".

And FWIW, he has discovered a love for computing and tech at the age of 12, so has found something he is (a bit) good at. Now the DoE are cancelling ICT as a gcse (bastards!!!!), but anyway...

I think you need to lower expectations and not coach him through homework. As kids don't learn much this way. All you are doing is make him (his HW) appear NT to the teacher! Instead, maybe ask him what he thinks "civilisation means" and give him time to look it up/find out? Start small?

Yes, I find it incredibly frustrating... I try to stay out of homework (especially as if I try to explain something DD has a meltdown because the way I explain it is not EXACTLY the way they do it at school). I provide the space and quiet and encouragement, what she produces out of that is between her and her teacher (though I will back her up to say that she did try if her teacher tries to 'encourage' her with a 'must try harder, here's a demerit' approach).

She's a lovely person but doesn't have any amazing talents - she's a kind person, good at dancing but I doubt in the 'possible professional' league (and probably wouldn't cope with those pressures anyway). She's working her way through her Brownie badges, which are designed to be accessible to a range of abilities, so thankfully there are areas of her life where she is able to achieve within her limits.

She ended up gatecrashing a party at the weekend - we were camping and the owner's little girl had a party in the play area and DD was invited to join in - at the end the owner told me that DD was lovely, a 'delight' and wonderful playing with the younger ones. I felt like crying, it is so rare that those qualities are noticed and valued and commented on.

It is very frustrating to have meeting after meeting at school where they tell me all her weaknesses - yes, I know, and I don't have a magic button to 'fix' it. I would if I could - not to make the teacher's life easier but because it makes DD miserable. But I can't, and no matter how hard she tries she will always fall short compared to 95% of the class.

OP - I hope that one thing that you can take from this discussion is the fact that you are not alone in feeling this way, and that there are many children out there who struggle, and do not have the "special talent" that so many well-meaning adults expect of them. My dd is now 15, and your post really resonated with me. Homework would regularly reduce us both to tears. She is very lucky in that we finally found a specialist school for her in Year 8, which is providing her with the support that she needs.

The other element to this that I have struggled with over the years is the comparison with her younger sisters, both of whom are very bright, musically talented etc. It can be very difficult to manage sibling relationships when the younger ones so clearly overtake the eldest in all areas of school life. I don't know whether this is an issue for you, but I have found it best to be very open with them all, and to try to discuss all of our strengths and weaknesses.

As with many of the posters here, my dd is truly an incredible child. She is caring, compassionate, endlessly patient with younger children. Life is difficult for her, but I do feel that we have reached a stage where all of our expectations are a little more realistic, and she is much more comfortable with who she is.

I appreciate that I haven't really offered any practical advice, but I just really wanted you to know that there are many other mothers who feel the same frustrations and guilt.

I think one of the issues is expectations at school. All our kids are expected to normalise themselves and fit in and do what their peers do. I find I get hit with the negatives a lot from School and it's frustrating as I'm not there so can't do anything. My dd learns in her own way, it's not wrong just different but sadly a lot of mainstreams don't appreciate that and want them to hit the same targets and produce work of a similar standard to an nt child.

I feel sad for dd and generally frustrated with the school tbh. Dd has autism and is able academically but being in school is difficult for her. I'm sad that she spends thirty hours a week stressed out and frustrated that the school need spoon feeding even the basics in order to give dd the support she needs. Homework though is not an issue here anymore as I've insisted that homework sessions are put in her timetable with the TA supporting her so she does all homework in school so as she is able to relax at home.

I feel sad for dd and generally frustrated with the school tbh. Dd has autism and is able academically but being in school is difficult for her. I'm sad that she spends thirty hours a week stressed out and frustrated that the school need spoon feeding even the basics in order to give dd the support she needs. Homework though is not an issue here anymore as I've insisted that homework sessions are put in her timetable with the TA supporting her so she does all homework in school so as she is able to relax at home.

Horrible isn't it knowing they're stressing at school. My dd had a 30 minute meltdown yesterday in pe which she loves about partners. She's back to early wake ups and is genuinely cranky.

Yes, dd is back to being moody and anxious and morose totally different to how she was in half term We gave up on PE by the end of year seven (not helped by clueless PE teachers tbh) so the two hours when dd would have PE she now does homework, kills two birds with one stone tbh cuts out all the PE and the homework stress in one.

I totally agree - it is tough and incredibly frustrating! My own daughter who is dyslexic and has a slow processing speed is certainly not the sharpest knife in the block and to be honest just can't be bothered most of the time. I have spent years dragging her through her education, drinking far too much wine (me, not her!!) to cope with the screaming over homework and exams and feel at my wits end much of the time. HOWEVER, she is now 17, did her GCSEs a year ago, worked incredibly hard (using resources we designed ourselves for her to revise because there was nothing out there that worked for her) and came out with great results, far exceeding what anyone expected. When she opened her results and saw her AABBBC grades and burst into tears it was absolutely one of the best moments of my life and made up for so much - she was just so proud that she had actually achieved. Yes, it is frustrating that she just won't enthusiastically engage with learning but I have come to accept that is how it is (and pour another glass of wine!). I wish you the best of luck.

My dd is moderately dyslexic. She is very motivated and tries to do well at school which makes it rather upsetting that she puts in the hours but doesn't get the same return as her peers.

Yes I get frustrated sometimes because I have to be quite hands on with most of her homework. I often have to spend ages researching subjects so that I can explain difficult concepts to her. It can be pretty unrewarding because she often vents her frustration at me when I am putting in the time at her request to help her

By contrast ds just gets on and does his homework in a fraction of the time with no input needed

Dd also suffers from anxiety which is very much associated with her dyslexia and consequent lack of self esteem. It seems a bit unfair sometimes....but then I remember there are worse crosses to bear

The most galling thing is other people who don't understand what dyslexia is and try to minimise it

Opening this thread made me glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. 😔

I totally hear you. DD1 is 13 and has dyslexia and there has been many a year spent sitting next to her helping with homework. She now has a good SEN department to help and is allowed to use a tablet to do work in class which has improved matters and she can do her homework herself. She is getting counselling to help with low self esteem and confidence (I have ranted about the causes on another thread so won't go on about it now) which is a positive step. The saving grace, ironically, is that she was always labelled stupid but creative hence she is creative, I once heard David Bailey say I wasn't creative, I was dyslexic, and I had no other direction to go. This might apply, I just don't know. To all of us in this situation, just hang in there, stand in your child's corner because regardless of what the future brings, the most important thing is the relationship you share. I am only really learning this now. Screw A* or whatever the new top grades are!!!

Your daughter sounds exactly like mine. She's 10 and a fantastically kind, lovely person. She is intelligent but due to her dyslexia - she just can't 'get' concepts such as mathematical stuff - number bonds, multiplication etc. She also really struggles with any sentence structure and formalising plans. Also, she walks round the house - loosing things constantly and taking forever to get ready as prioritising time isnt on her radar either! Although this could be her rather than a dyslexic trait!

I really want her to be good at something - just for her. It'll give her confidence as I know that she feels that she finds everything a struggle

At the moment lethargy has set in for her and she doesn't seem bothered to do anything....

It doesn't help that her younger sister is very academic, finds everything easy and represents her sport at a high level without much effort.

You sound like a lovely mum.

It will probably take your DS a lot more effort than NT kids just to get through the day in school, just doing the basics will be so much harder for him.

He probably has to put so much effort into just reading the words and writing things down that his efforts/concentration can't then also go into the comprehension too.

I would scale the help you give him right back as it is just masking his ability and will probably mean that he gets less help from school as a result. If you can let him do as much as possible on his own it will hopefully highlight to school how much he is struggling.

I work with dyslexic children across a wide range of cognitive abilities. Do you feel your son may have been oversupported in primary school? One of the problems I sometimes encounter with the children I teach is a sort of learnt helplessness that comes from either a well meaning TA doing everything for the child or from low expectations from class teachers - both mean the child stops thinking for themselves or disengages from education as if it has nothing to do with them. I have to try and give them strategies to work round their difficulties and push them to think for themselves. One of the best tools for independence at secondary age is assistive technology such as ReadWriteText Gold and things like reading set texts on a kindle with a synced audio book. I would also recommend getting a properly trained dyslexia tutor if you can afford it.

Sorry late to this thread but really glad I read it as I can relate to much of it.

I have 2 dyslexic children, a 13 year old and an 11 year old, and find it depressing how they are constantly judged by their academic abilities and are in the bottom groups for everything.

The 13 yo has no special talents, is of very average intelligence and is possible ASD too (awaiting assessment). I do worry for his future. The 11 yo has got high ability in the visual spacial area (she's low/average in every other area though) which is presumably why she's good at art and anything creative or practical. She's pretty good at sport too. However, school are not remotely interested in this as she's so dire academically. Indeed, she's often removed from art & pe lessons to do extra literacy or maths as school are shitting themselves over her SATs I live in hope that she'll turn out to be a famous designer or something but, in reality, the best I can expect is a hairdresser or similar I reckon. As for DS?!?

Glad I'm not alone in feeling depressed when I hear other parents talk about when their kids go to Uni and also that my two aren't the only dyslexic kids who aren't geniuses.

Please don't get depressed about university. If it is the right place for your child then there are different ways to get there if that's what they want to do. Our DD has now had 3 offers, including Bath Uni, based on her sports ability so it is not all about academics .

The only way I found of coping is to re-calibrate my expectations. You are suffering from a bad school system. Speak to the school about the homework he's getting because it sounds like it's beyond his capabilities at the moment. The new method of learning in Sweden is to have all children learning at their own pace; not an age-determined level. The age-related learning is both crushing for the lower level learners and frustrating for the higher achievers. Frankly it doesn't actually make any sense. I also NEVER look at the grades my child achieves for outcomes, only their effort grades. If they are getting excellent effort grades then that's all good for me. If he loves swimming go at any given opportunity. Perhaps his future career will be as a swimming instructor? There are many ways of earning a living now and our schooling system doesn't celebrate them.

It is hard to find resources that they dyslexic children can relate to and actually read. Have you tried OakaBooks?