Please help! Neighbour's toddler wakes up between 1am and 3am every night and screams blue murder for hours and this has been going on for a year. Do I go and speak to them?

[wellyjobble]

Now of course, before anyone jumps down my throat, I have all my sympathies with them.

The situation is as follows. Both dh and I work full time. I get up at 6am and leave between then and 7am (long commute). Dh can sleep till 8am and then get up and go.

For the last year, this boy has woken up between 1am and 3am and screams v v loudly and constantly. They don't go to him till about 6ish when (according to his mother), she takes him into bed with her and they go back to sleep till about 10/11ish.

Now to me, it's pretty clear that this is what might be causing the issue (the sleeping on in the morning). He's their first child, the father sometimes works from home or works away so if he's there, they all sleep till 11am.

However, I am horrendously sleep deprived. So much so, that I need to drive today but can't because I am sure I will fall asleep at the wheel. I have fallen asleep at work and in the loo and teachers at school commented on how dd looks like she has 2 black eyes she is so tired!

We have tried ear plugs, moving the rooms around, white noise etc. but the fact of the matter is, he's large now and the noise is huge. We are in very narrow and small terraced housing (only 2 beds) so it is impossible to escape.

She (the mum) does speak to me about his lack of sleep. I want to (kindly) drop into conversation that the morning sleep might be causing an issue or even lend her my Ferber sleep book (if I can find it).

Dh thinks we shouldn't interfere (I know he's probably right) but I am so exhausted now, I think it's starting to affect my state of mind a bit. I'm snappy and feel a bit down tbh and have started trying to go to bed at 9pm to at least get some respite which is making me feel I don't have a life as I only really get in from work around 7pm!

well that's what I'm thinking Stealth! Hell, anything is worth a try!

You see, he still has an afternoon nap too. He goes down again after lunch for a few hours (I know this as mine were making a noise one lunchtime in the garden and she told me he was having his lunchtime nap!). He just gets too much day time sleep really but I will invite her round for a coffee and see what's going on with them (maybe she is struggling looking after him or something like that....poor woman!).

Just out of interest, did you see this thread

It seems like the softly softly approach really put the neighbour's back up.

or you could get a new job - working nights!!

LOL

I tell you what, I'd be bloody good at it!

I've been fantasising about moving house all morning!

hadn't seen that thread Girls! And a similar aged child!

IMO 5am is not an unreasonable time to get up with your toddler - 1am is!

yes, true.

Thanks for your help. Was feeling a bit emotional about this all this morning!

Definitely have a nice word with them. Explain that for the past year that you have not said anything as you know how kids can be with sleep, but that the sleep is not resolving itself and it is affecting your health.

I think that although I have sympathy for these people, leaving a toddler to sleep so late in the morning may be working for them to catch up on sleep, it is just storing up problems for the night. I really think they need to get a grip on the sleep.
The other thread showed the other side of it, it is worth reading. It is hard knowing you will be upsetting/annoying your neighbour but I really think this is going too far. I would be mortified if I was doing this to someone with my ds (who is the most crap sleeper as well!)

I've not read all of this but I can't imagine how they think this wouldn't be affecting you.

I've apologised to my neighbours as dd2 was waking in the night while poorly and it took ages to settle her.

We started cc 2 weeks ago when we knew they'd be away on holiday as we were so worried about disturbing them

Maybe just bump into her and while chatting bring it up gently? It might help if she could see how emotional and upset you are.

thanks everyone

I think they are mortified as when they bring it up with me it's always in a 'god, we're so terribly sorry' but I wonder if it might be worth now helping them focus on a solution!

Mmmmm - the only comment I did pick up on here that was quite incredible was when your children were playing and making noise in the garden as LUNCHTIME, she has the audacity to mention her LO was having a nap - presumably from the way you wrote this it was in the vein of - can your kids keep the noise down please? Lunchtime kids playing in the garden, and making noise, is perfectly normal and acceptable. Perhaps the queue is to knock on their door, ring their telephone, ring doorbell etc at 4am - or whatever time toddler wakes up and say, I'm really sorry, but can you do something, we are all suffering terribly here blah blah. If their own child screaming doesn't wake them at that time perhaps persistent banging on the wall, doorbell etc might?

Oh crumbs am in same boat with our neighbours cept for us the toddler screams for at least 5 or 6 hours at anytime of day and night and she is always in same room (I wonder if she ever leaves it) and her parents will often leave her screaming for several hours before going to her. Not sure if they are trying controlled crying or not. They moved in a few months ago and since then we haven't slept! (I live in a fairly unfriendly london street (a flat) so we don't know our neighbours). I am at a loss as to what to do so keeping an eye on this thread for ideas. I am looking forward to feb when we will have a newborn to get our own back with! Although hopefully we will move in the meantime!

We have a similar problem with our neighbours. Our DD is 7 wks and does very well on a night, but we're kept awake by their DD, who must be at least 2, screaming intermittantly all day and night. When she wakes on a night, the mother goes in and speaks to her (quite sharply) then leaves her. Think they are trying CC and would imagine the same applies to neighbour of OP, but the fact it continues night after night shows it evidentally isn't working.
Don't know our neighbours at all, so am thinking of dropping a friendly note through the door. Could you try this? Speak gdently but frankly, perhaps suggest she joins mumsnet to gain an extended support network?

If they're leaving their child to scream, without responding, for 3-5 hours, IMO that's child neglect. I would drop a word with social services (or whatever it's called) and let them check up and offer support if that's what's needed.

ches I'm glad you said that, as I agree. I think it is an indication that something is seriously wrong with their parenting or coping skills if this has been going on for so long.

Perhaps one way in to a conversation would be along the lines of, 'How on earth do you cope with the crying for hours every night? It disturbs us, but it must be so much worse for you! Is there anything we can do to help?' etc etc... best off direct face-to-face as well, as friendly as possible, as concerned as possible. These people sound like they are struggling, and in my honest opinion, their child is likely to be having a crap time if that's how he is spending hours of his young life. No child should be left in a prolonged state of distress repeatedly. It is neglectful and wrong.

You are right to want to do something about this. If you don't get a good response from them, I would follow up with a call to a professional of some kind, perhaps social services even though that sounds ominous, they would at least be able to tell you whether there is cause for concern.

Good luck.

I'm not one for 'sleep training' but I do believe that children should be helped into developing a 'normal' sleep pattern.

If i've read your posts correctly I seems that this child is sleeping from bedtime (whenever that is?) till 1-3am, then sleeping again from 6am - 10/11am then having a few hours at lunchtime too? His sleeping patterns are completely out of synch and his parents NEED to get a grip on it! How will the poor child cope when he begins school if he is used to sleeping for most of the day? - admittedly this is a while away, but it doesn't sound as if the family are taking any steps to improve the situation.

Would it be worth suggesting she speak with her HV - Perhaps seeing if they can be referred to a 'sleep clinic' if there's one available in your area?

It needs sorting - for their sake as well as yours!

You need to just tell her out right.
Nicely nicely won't show how desperate the situation is.
She probably assumes you can't hear him as you have never said anything!

Sleep deprivation is horrendous, and your well being is more important than maybe offending someone - who has no right to be offended...

Wellyjobble, you definitely need to speak to them.

You could always print off this thread and post it through her door.

Your neighbour mightn't ever speak to you again but surely that's preferable to this sleep deprivation and listening to that poor little boy cry for hours???

I have a new family below me in my flat.They have 2 children that are running about shouting and TV blaring until 3 in the morning.I start work at 6 and I'm up at 5 and can't sleep because of this.Its every night.I can't go down and speak to them because both of the parents are Romainian and can't speak English.. Is this normal?What can I do please.

In the olden days it was normal to have two sleeps a night...

Zombie 👻and yes I know it's a ghost 😀