2.5yo standing for ages in cot - help

[alittleconfused1]

My 2.5yo has never been a great sleeper but we did some sleep training at about 20 months and it revolutionised her nighttime sleep.

However in the last week since an illness she has regressed, she won't go to sleep and will just stand in her cot - for hours. She cries initially and I will go in and check she is ok, then she will just stand with her teddy and stare or talk to herself. She doesn't lie down. She just waits. If you ask her she will say she is waiting for Mummy.

Sleep training would dictate that she isn't crying so I should just leave her, but it means she might go to bed at 7 but she won't actually sleep until maybe 8.30 or even later if I don't go in again and again and again until she lies down.

She gets up crazy early because she is going to bed far too late - 5am today, I went in, told her it was still bedtime and to go back to sleep and then she just stood there - for nearly an hour. She said she was waiting for me. No tears, no calling, just standing.

My husband says she isn't upset so I should just leave her, but I can't leave her for long as it breaks my heart. Cue huge row at 5am!

Has anyone got any tips? I don't really want to pay for sleep training again just for one issue?

Thanks so much!

You can't force another human to sleep. 5am isn't unusual for a young kid.

If you don't want to leave her, she coulf come into your room or you could lay down in hers, or you can start the day.

Is she still napping?

Is it time for a bed? Mine were well out of cots by that age

Mine were out of cots by that age too. Also sometimes you do have to do early starts with toddlers

Yes but only because of the early starts. I did two no nap days last week and she slept 13 hours overnight but then she was exhausted so I did a nap day, which has screwed everything up.. but getting up at 5 (430 yesterday) she can’t make it through without a nap! All a mess really. She only got 8 hrs last night which stresses me out

Why is your 2.5yo even in a cot?! I honestly can’t believe you leave your kid to stand in a box and wait for you. My 2yo is in a bed and cuddled to sleep. Often sleeps through and if she wakes one of us gets in with her, snuggles up and everyone sleeps. Forcing it seems pointless. My now 4yo was an awful sleeper at 2, we just cuddled and loved him, never forced. Now he climbs into his mid sleeper bed, falls asleep alone and sleeps all night. I think sleep training is nonsense, a loved and supported child will develop skills when they are ready, feeling safe and secure. I don’t see how one feeling unsafe ever will.

Thanks, so you wouldn’t leave her? Even if it means she stands for hours?

I agree with moving her to a bed, then you won't have the standing up issue.

Thanks for your positive, constructive reply. I would never leave her crying and if I saw any sign of her being upset or worried I would go in. Per my message she slept really well until about a week ago, and went to bed after a kiss and a cuddle. She is always woken with a kiss and a cuddle as well.

the point of my message was I don’t feel comfortable leaving her, but my husband says if she is not distressed I should. My Health visitor said they can stay in a cot as long as they are comfy, and my friends who have moved to beds have even more sleep problems.

Sounds like you are super parents and are very proud of how you raise your children, and rightly so. But one size doesn’t always fit all

Sleep training just teaches them they are able to fall asleep without you there. It doesn't make them sleep when they are not tired. I would assume at this age that the nap probably needs to go, consistently. She will probably manange 11-12hrs overnight at that age without a nap. If you offer her one after a full nights sleep when she doesnt need it, she will take that sleep back from elsewhere.

She may still wake overnight though as it's common for all of us to rouse between sleep cycles. If she doesn't put herself back down you need to decide what you can tolerate and either re sleep train, or get in with her. We still have him at 2.5 in a cot as he doesn't climb out yet, but if he wakes we go to him and stay till he goes back off, or anything after 5am he comes in with us. My little one would cry for us as soon as he wakes and I'm not comfortable leaving him distressed, to teach him I won't come. I'm aware no harms have been shown from sleep training but it's a personal thing of not being willing to do it. You could try a more gradual method - timed checks aren't recommended for toddlers anyway, so something like gradual retreat may be more appropriate. There will be peaks and troughs in sleep and sleep training isn't a fix all, nor does it last forever, because their sleep needs and their need for comfort change

A bed won't resolve the need for comfort. They will just get up and go to the door, or if there is no babygate, to parents room. It also won't resolve the lack of sleep pressure, if that is the root cause. We are moving to a bed shortly but fully anticipate that he will just climb in us then, which is fine

A slightly different perspective. My youngest was still in a cot at 2.5. He liked his cot and felt safe. I'm not sure it's a great idea to make another change when sleep is disrupted.

Mine used to spend ages in their cots awake but happy. We put a couple of books in for them to look at. However it does feel you have got stuck in an overtired cycle which is hard. My youngest fought naps and bedtime around 2/2.5. I wanted to stop naps but DH felt they were needed for his overall development. After a while he started sleeping much better again and napped until he was 4. This might not be the way forward for you of course.

Thanks, I am proud. It’s hard to ignore all this societal crap about sleep and trust your kids. Maybe my first message was a bit harsh, sorry. I see a child standing “waiting for mummy” as a child who is clearly worried and upset, but I know “everyone does it”. I’m passionate about saying the alternative doesn’t doom you to a non sleeping child - the opposite with my lovely happy school starter. They can
stay in a cot but not forever and I see it as you are just delaying the problems when you move to a bed, and can’t leave her to stand in it alone. You’re hoping to teach her to do something she can’t be doing in a year. I think it’s better to be supporting sleep in a bed, which is the actual end goal.

As for total sleep duration, maybe nap needs to go, it did for my kids around 2 1/4, with the odd catch up nap every few days at first. But also regardless of nap they go to sleep earlier and would probably go back to sleep in the morning with someone cuddling them. So it can be a choice: do you want the sleep training ideal of going to sleep alone, or to cuddle up and get more sleep?

Mine is nearly 3 and still in her cot. When we stay away with family she sleeps in a normal bed with bumper, but is always glad to get home to her bed. I’m a big believer that she’ll let us know when she’s ready to transition to a proper bed.

Sadly I think early wake ups are very much par for the course at this age. We get the odd 6.30/7am wake up but generally DD is up and ready for the day at 5am. This age is particularly tricky as they’re usually desperately trying to drop the daytime nap, we just try to ride it out as best we can. If she naps we limit to an hour, and if we go past 3pm without a nap we power through as best we can until bedtime.

I can totally understand not wanting to leave her standing and waiting for hours on end. Could you maybe try her with a yoto box or similar? We’ve found ours has really helped settle DD, especially on nights where she’s not sleepy as she knows the yoto box only works when she’s laying down.

@Cleome As helpful as you think you are being, you are not. You come across as smug and superior, maybe just leave it there eh?

Who’d have thought “maybe give your tidy child a cuddle” which might get you all more sleep was seen as smug and superior. What a world. I think it really is important to present the alternative, OP doesn’t sound overly thrilled about the current situation. I got so much pressure to sleep train and would have loved people to tell me they can get there without. I will leave it but I’ll still feel sad for a tiny child left waiting for mum.

For my DS it did. He used to stand up / climb out of his cot, but when we moved him to a bed he stayed in it. I agree this isn't very logical but it worked for us!

@alittleconfused1 i wouldn’t go straight to no nap. Do a shorter nap (45 mins) that ends by 2pm

It sounds like the nap is the issue. 2.5 is very typical for transitioning out of a nap. It’s completely normal to have a phase in which they could really do with a nap but if they have one if screws up bedtime/morning and then are tired the next day so they need a nap and if all starts again. You can start by cutting it shorter (absolute max 40 mins) and see if that helps but soon enough it’ll need to go.

thank you so much for replies so far. I definitely think this could be linked to naps, and appreciate in the mornings if she’s awake she’s awake and I’m not going to get her back to sleep, however I do have a not before 5:45 rule in our house, which I don’t think is too harsh but guess some people do.

The standing at bedtime is a challenge for us. If she’s standing she’s not going to sleep. You can see she’s exhausted but she stands and stands and stands. Just to reassure those worrying - if she cries I do go to her, normally change her nappy and then put her back down, last night she stood for an hour and a half (with regular checks from me) despite being shattered because she had got up at 430! I don’t know if it’s under tiredness or overtiredness or just testing boundaries.

i can’t lie with her or cuddle her to sleep (i have tried it) but she just chats and chats and chats to me. She’s a seemingly quite stimulated even after a calming bedtime routine and in her cot after I have left will have full blown conversations as three different people, and last night was spelling words (incorrectly! Don’t worry I’m not bragging!)

I just wasn’t sure whether it was ok to leave her standing if she’s not crying and whether it’s a wait it out type scenario. As I said I feel I shouldn’t leave her but my husband says I should, I have always had anxiety around sleep so this isn’t easy for me, I worry so much she’s not getting enough and would do anything to get her off. She won’t nap in cot or buggy, only in car, so a lot of my life is spent trying to get her to sleep or worrying another it!

We did sleep training (NOT cry it out) and it worked great for us, until now!

I would do this :
6am up for the day (not before and a gro clock can help reinforce this)
1-2 nap for 45 mins
7pm bed

try for two weeks and see if she is sleeping more quickly at bedtime.

Put her bedtime back to 8pm, or lay with her for a bit and see if she goes quicker.

Could you maybe pop a little book or something in her cot so she can look at it while she’s waiting if she wakes up too early ?

Try using a bed as a way for her to become a grown up child who is old enough now to be able to sleep in a big girl bed, but that means she needs to lay down and sleep otherwise the bed fairies will replace it with the cot … FWIW my kids were in a bed by 18 months as they’d climb over the cot 😱

I think now would be a great time to replace the cot with a bed as she won’t still be in it at 3. My DD is also 2.5 and the benefit of the bed is that she can play in her room before she falls asleep and can come to our bed in the morning for a cuddle if it’s a hideous 5am wake up.

She sounds smart and far more agreeable than my DD so would probably love a gro clock in her room and toys to play with before getting you up if you teach her.

The standing up and waiting for you does sound quite sad tbh, I would struggle with this too. She should be able to either come and get you or to play in her room for a little bit. I really think giving her a bit more independence will be a good thing. Sleep is one of those things that isn’t linear with young kids, things change and you have to adapt as they grow.