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Sleep

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Original poster

How long should you leave a 9 week old baby to cry for?

27 replies

nina3 · 03/04/2008 10:37

Our 9 week old dd has been sleeping in our bed since birth but it is really affecting both my and my dh's sleep so we invested in a lovely baby hammock and have been trying to get her used to it over the last couple of nights. We have been doing controlled crying (I think - sitting with her with a hand on her chest and bouncing the hammock while she cries) to get her to settle and this has worked within the 15 mins a couple of times but other times she just keeps crying... What should you do then? Keep going indefinately or take her out and try again latter? Any tips very gratefully received!! Also, is this too early to be doing this? If so what else could we do as we are really struggling with the lack of sleep!!!

OP posts:

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bohemianbint · 03/04/2008 10:40

I think 9 weeks is too soon IMO. It is really hard in the early days, she probably just wants reassurance that you're there. You won't make a rod for your own back wahtever anyone says to you, but I know that doesn't make it easier! I expect someone will have some more constructive advice for you in a mo...

SmugColditz · 03/04/2008 10:42

Far far far far far too early to do controlled crying. Pick her up. I am certainly not judging you, I know how tired you are, but you can't have thought that having a baby wouldn't affect your sleep?

Pick her up, cuddle her to sleep, wrap her in the blanket you want her to sleep in, making sure it's under her head, and then use the blanket to put her down with.

There are no such things as 'bad habits' for a baby under 4 months old. This is a stage. It does not last long, just go with it. Catch up on sleep in the day, take it in turns to sleep, try Infacol before all her feeds, remember she may still need feeding every couple of hours at night.

pelafina · 03/04/2008 10:42

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pelafina · 03/04/2008 10:44

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JodieG1 · 03/04/2008 10:46

Agree you shouldn't at all.

Original poster

nina3 · 03/04/2008 11:27

OK so we should still co-sleep until she is 4 months old? The hammock is at the foot of our bed, no space at the side but she is a very light sleeper and wakes as soon as we put her down - always has right from day 1! The only way to put her down without crying is beside me with my boob in her mouth! I too am a light sleeper and am kept awake by her sucking. She only tolerates a dummy when I hold it in... same problem as have to concentrate to keep it in!

OP posts:

JodieG1 · 03/04/2008 11:32

I got used to sleeping whilst feeding, I still co-sleep and bf ds2 14 months now. Easiest way for me.

sophiebbb · 03/04/2008 11:35

I would say too early to leave her to cry - she needs reassurance from you or something.

I personally used a dummy and it worked a treat. I know they are frowned upon by a lot of people. DS1 sleeps with his dummy at night now (he is 16 months). I prefer him to have it at night and be free of it in the daytime so he can talk and not be sucking his thumb or fingers all day. My DD2 (due in 2 weeks) will also have one. By the way I will only use it once breastfeeding is established.

VacantlyPretty · 03/04/2008 12:07

Message withdrawn

bohemianbint · 03/04/2008 12:09

How about swaddling? My ds used to like it...

NineUnlikelyTales · 03/04/2008 12:17

It is rubbish isn't it, this stage? Where you are completely knackered from all the lack of sleep and you were thinking that because it felt so long, your DD must be old enough to sleep better. I remember it well as my DS was a terrible sleeper.

IMHO a 9 week old baby is meant to be a light sleeper, and you are meant to sleep lightly too to be alert to any potential problems. So I don't think there is anything unusual in either of you. I do think it is far too soon to expect too much and certainly for any hard line measures like letting her cry. She won't understand what is going on and it will be awful for all of you.

I would second what VP says about the No Cry Sleep Solution but also try and get your sleep in other ways, like letting your DH take her for a couple of hours between feeds. Do you think you could get used to her sleeping latched on? Because you are hoping she will get used to the hammock (keep trying BTW as a couple of days is not very long), maybe you can compromise by trying to get used to that so she can spend part of the night in the hammock, part with you.

And from someone who had a rubbish sleeper no matter what I did, you have my sympathies - but it does pass, it just feels like hell forever at the time

gingerninja · 03/04/2008 12:17

Agree it's too young. Co-sleep for as long as you are happy with. What about a cot with the side off so it butts up next to the bed or a bigger bed with a bed rail so she can sleep on the outside. This formation helped my DH get more sleep so he could take over some of the other stuff during the day / evening while I caught up with sleep.

It will get better, it's so hard in the early days. You'll also get used to less sleep and you'll get much more accustomed to sleeping with this new person in your bed / on your boob.

I second a dummy though, was a life saver for me.

Aitch · 03/04/2008 12:19

wrt the bouncing, have you tried swaddling her and then rather than holding her tummy to bounce her, use the coat-hanger bit near the spring? we used to find that singing to dd and bouncing her (rather more vigorously than we'd ever have thought when buying the hammock) worked brilliantly. i wonder if it would actually be a bit annoying to have someone bounce you with their hand on your tummy, iykwim?

but no, i wouldn't leave a nine-week-old to cry but if you're right there and it's not that horrid Freaking Out crying, i'd bounce for a while. you'll know the difference...

MyEye · 03/04/2008 12:20

erm, what nina has describes hardly sounds like cc to me. She's right there bouncing the hammock with her hand on the baby!

ime (ie both my babies were like this) it's easier to get a baby to sleep without too much fuss if s/he goes down about 1hr 30 or 2hrs after s/he last woke up. Any longer than that, they get overtired, and may find it harder to settle

swaddling is an excellent idea too

I couldn't cosleep, so I do sympathise most massively

krc · 03/04/2008 16:23

I agree entirely MyEye, and for all people have very definite views, much of it is based on a very small number of very small studies or subjective opinion. every baby is different and i think you have to ignore some advice, taking the bits that makes sense to you. Easier said than done, I found - at least in the early days. You are clearly a mother who is sensitive to your babies needs and wants the best for her. I know I've left my ds longer but if he's getting really upset will pick him up and sit quietly with him. Found before this (when picking him up at the 1st whimper - ie. attached to him 24hrs/day) I started getting frustrated and a bit resentful - was definitely time for a change of strategy for both our sakes. All the best

Original poster

nina3 · 03/04/2008 16:37

Thanks Aitch, good point about the irritating hand on tummy, although I had it there more for comfort and was bouncing with my other hand, but will try with hand on shoulder or without a hand on her as you do have to be a bit of a contortionist to do both.

Yes we have been swaddling and using Infacol thanks.

I think she maybe just needs a bit of time to get used to the hammock and I just need to be a bit more patient and introduce it very slowly when she's more happy to be in it. She has only been doing the grizzly sort of "I'm overtired but don't know how to get to sleep" crying not the full blown "something's wrong" scream.

Thanks MyEye about the 1.5-2 hour rule - will try that as she is definately overtired a lot of the time.

Also like the idea of the compromise half night in hammock, half co-sleeping (thanks NUT) or would that just confuse her? Then maybe she could spend more time there as she enjoys the hammock more .

Thanks also for the book suggestion VP, will try to get hold of it .

By the way Sopiebbb there is a study that has shown that using a dummy at night can help to prevent SID so well done for instinctively knowing that!

I would really like to persist with the hammock as, as well as selfishly wanting a bit more sleep for myself, I don't think my dd gets very good quality sleep in the day when in a sling on me. She is sleeping beautifully in the hammock now after an hour of bouncing and very little crying. Hopefully she's starting to like it

OP posts:

DaddyJ · 03/04/2008 16:39

Co-sleeping can be a godsend but does not work for everyone.

Don't worry, nina, it sounds like you are on the right track.
And, yes, follow your instincts, if she does not settle within 15 minutes
by all means pick her up, carry her around (in the dark) and try again
a few minutes later.

What you are doing - if you are into your labels - is called Controlled Comforting
and is indeed the recommended sleep training method for little babies.
With controlled crying you actually leave the room.

Aitch · 03/04/2008 16:46

my dd LOVED her hammock, i'm a huge fan of them. we really did bounce it hard, though, up and down. also she hated it being swung. i suppose the bouncing is like when they were in the womb and you were walking around. and we noticed that 2 hours thing as well, any longer than 2 hours and dd used to get too crabby to sleep easily.

FioFio · 03/04/2008 16:47

This reply has been deleted

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BITCAT · 03/04/2008 16:58

Sometimes there is no choice but to leave a baby to cry, especially if you have other lo's around who need you too. And sometimes far better to walk away for 5mins and leave to cry, rather than lose your temper which is what i was always told by my hv, because lack of sleep coupled with toddlers and a baby that crys all the time, can be a bad combination! I think babies actually have very different pitches of crying, and as you get to know your baby, you know when they need you and when they are just exercising their lungs. I dont think there is anything wrong with leaving a baby to cry for 5/6 mins..i have never gone running to mine everytime they cry and they have all slept very well from 2/3mths and continue to do so. But as Fio Fio says we are all different and so are our lo's so do whatever makes you and your baby happy and allows you at least some degree of sleep.

Blandmum · 03/04/2008 17:01

Controlled crying is not sugested for a baby that young.

gagarin · 03/04/2008 17:08

Never deliberately left mine to cry at all, especially not my first - but have had friends who seemed to manage to leave their babies to cry from day 1.

How long? What ever you feel comfy with I suppose.

NineUnlikelyTales · 03/04/2008 19:09

My DS still sleeps part of the night in his cot, the other half with me. But you may not want to take him as an example as the only book he read was the No Sleep Cry Solution. Ho hum.

Babyisaac · 04/04/2008 15:48

Nina, we bought a hammock for our DS when he was about the same age as DD. At first, we had to rock or bounce it for ages to get his eyes to close. And even then we had to carry on doing so for ages before we dared leave the room. I have to say though, they do get used to it. DS is now 12 weeks old and LOVES his hammock. Not only will he fall to sleep with minimal bouncing, he has even been know to be put in it awake this week and after 10 minutes just chilling out in there he will go to sleep by himself and I'm not even in the room. Persevere with it, it will improve. Certainly beats hours walking the streets!

luvaduck · 05/04/2008 01:29

nina3 agree far too young to do cc but doesn't sound like this is what you are doing - you're not leaving the room are you? you are comforting hand on tummy trying to settle. big difference. she knows you're there.

i found that after about 6 weeks ds was easier to settle - we did shh-paatt and then gradual withdrawal. worked a treat.(although now 7 months and waking up again arrggh)

good luck its awful but it DOES get better

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