Toddler vomiting sleep training

[yeveamgirl]

My 20mo is fighting bedtime. We spend 1.5 hours calmly putting her to bed and if, by that 1.5 hour mark, she isn't asleep, we put her calmly in her bed and walk away, telling her goodnight and we love her.

3/7 times a week she will be asleep after 1.5 hours (just) and we can leave happily. 4/7 she's awake and will stand in her cot and scream my name and cry until she falls asleep (usually no more than 10 minutes). It's awful, but by that point she's so exhausted she just needs to sleep and actually falls asleep very quickly.

If I put her in the cot and stay in the room, she stands in her cot and cries for another 1.5 hours, meaning bedtime takes 3 hours. Eventually she cries herself to sleep, even with my constant reassurance.

Unfortunately, the last few nights she's started vomiting after about 5 mins in her cot. Last night we didn't see it on the monitor and discovered a vomit covered toddler this morning. I feel so deeply guilty.

I'm at a loss, I'd happily stay in the room with her but she gets so worked up and then ends up over tired. If I leave she vomits. She won't be rocked or fed to sleep any more. She always sleeps all night, though.

What the heck are we supposed to do?!

Cut the nap to an hour and push the bedtime later. No point in starting so early when it doesn't make her sleep any earlier, you are just making it take up more of your time.

My eldest would only sleep lying on top of me and that got too much, so I did the lay them down and keep laying them down as soon as they get back up routine. Yes he was outraged the first couple of nights, but soon got the message that bed means bed. By the fourth night he didn't try to get up. I stayed by the cot and used a soft calm voice each time I laid him back down.

Oh…. And don’t fuck with your routine just yet. Cutting the nap isn’t just something that magically makes everything else better. And don’t move bedtime based on how long it’s taking. Follow her sleepy cues… if she’s tired at 6, start the routine at 6.

My daughter is 20 months and has always struggled with bedtime.

I agree with everyone‘a advice about timings etc

Is your partner able to help with bedtime temporarily? One thing that really helped us was my partner actually putting her down. She just seemed less upset when he left compared to me.

To do this I would feed her before the bath, then stay for bath and then I would leave. He would do a book, cuddle and pop her in bed.

Not sure whether it would work for you but might be worth a try!

Also just to add she has a 2 hour nap still and we start bedtime 6.30 with the aim for her to be down by 7 or just after.

6pm is far too early to start bedtime routine if not actually going to sleep till 730

Go up at 7. Quick bath - also don't need to bath every day but know many enjoy as part of the routine - and then story and bf and lay down to settle to sleep

Thanks everyone! The part I'm struggling with, and that seems to be consistent across mists of these replies is the part after she goes in the cot. If we do a quicker and later bedtime and she goes in the cot, I feel we're still not going to get around the issue of her popping up and crying until she vomits.

Again, staying in the room will just mean she stays awake and leaving she does fall asleep very quickly but gets so horribly upset. We've done popping in every 2 minutes before but it's only make her worse, as it sort of renewed the trauma of me leaving, as it were. She will settle in 10 mins if left but if I return after 2 mins, it resets sort of thing. Any suggestions?

We will give this a go too. Partner used to always put her to bed but for a while she fed to sleep beautifully and it just became easier for me to do it. I think she is sort of self weaning now, so it doesn't work any more so it's time to mix it up.

I am sorry but I think that leaving a child that is crying so hard that she vomits is both cruel and dangerous. Maybe get a dog next time. It is easier to train.

Hi again @yeveamgirl nothing sounds majorly wrong with your routine to me. It doesn't sound overly long if it includes a bath. I'm impressed you can still hack hour long breastfeeding sessions though! I have noticed with mine that if I start bedtime too early then he can wind up actually going to sleep much later than if I'd just started bedtime later, and it's much less irritating to start bedtime later.

At around 18months, so not dissimilar age to yours, my ds went through the worst bedtime resisting stage. Part of it was testing boundaries but also part of it was not being as tired any more. I found he needed a nap of absolute maximum 1.5 hours and also he need at least 6 hours awake for bedtime to not be a nightmare. I think we aimed for nap to finish by 2 at the latest and for him to be asleep for 8, we aim for an hour long routine before falling asleep. Bedtimes could still be a pain with lots of lying him back down, or sometimes sitting there ignoring him wriggling around whilst I sang. But after a month or so the pushing boundaries phased ended and with the right amount of tiredness in his tank he was back to dropping off in ten mins with a cuddle.

We did the floor bed thing and it was great over here. I would have had to keep lying him back down in his cot too so I wouldn't really have thought the floor bed would make the boundary pushing any worse?

Very well observed.
Mum probably very relaxed then.

Children pick up on our anxieties massively.

If sleep itself was the issue- she’d not go to sleep easily in the day.
👍

Cut the nap!

It's all so difficult. On parents and children. I believe your train of thought on the popping in constantly makes it worse. With older children it's easier to encourage them. Saying things such as "i will check on you in 5 min. I know you can fall asleep without me in the room" ect whatever is tailored to their situation. Overall working on some of the other factors would be beneficial in the long run and overall sleep health but I would absolutely speak to your pediatrician about solutions for the immediate issue. It is definitely alarming the extent baby is crying to. I'm sure that is resulting in more stress on her making the entire situation worse. I send all my best wishes for you and your family!

My 20m old DC is similar - as soon as we go into her bedroom, even when tired, she realizes it's bedtime, wakes herself up & fights it like crazy. She screams so much she makes herself sick even whilst we are still in the room! We have got ourselves into the annoying routine of having to take her out in the prom every night to override what I call her faulty off switch.

There's probably a bit of a fear built up now that she's going to be left and so that may be affecting her ability to relax and go to sleep. It's confusing to her that you'll be there for some of the time then suddenly you'll be gone and won't be any more - she can't trust you'll be there when she needs you and so the separation anxiety is worsening, hence the getting so upset and making herself sick. She needs your comfort and reassurance that you'll be there when she needs you.

As others have said you're trying to get her to sleep way too early. Toddlers don't produce sufficient melatonin (sleep hormone) until after 7:30pm so after that is the ideal time for sleep. She's got too much energy still and if after getting home you're going for a walk (is she in the pram or walking?) she's potentially not burning energy before bed like kids need to. My 17 month old goes to sleep usually 8:15-8:30. If we started the bedtime routine at 6 he would also be awake for hours. Yes it means we have no evening to ourselves, but I'd take that any day over making my child so upset to the point of vomiting.

Have you tried lying on the floor by the cot and holding hands/stroking hair/rubbing back? This works for my DD who sounds similar. If I left her she would be really upset or just wouldn't go to sleep, would mess about etc so this was quite a good compromise.