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Original poster

Baby waking at night - do you leave yours to cry?

26 replies

moodlesoup · 19/02/2008 17:10

hi, my DD has just started regularly waking in the night.

She's an early riser (5am consistently from birth!) and whilst she's been a bit poorly with teething associated illnesses, we've been bringing her into bed with us from 5am so that we can all have a bit more rest. the problem is now that she's better we've continued this bad practice and now she's a nightmare in bed at 5am, sticking fingers up our noses and generally being wide awake! so, we're back to getting up at 5am rather than bringing her into bed as there really isn't any benefit. this i can handle, but she's now also waking up at 2am crying.

i've gone in and rubbed her back to try and resettle her, and this makes her LIVID! she screams and cries, and almost drags me into the cot with her! so, we've left her for 10mins, and then gone in and comforted her, then laid her back down, and again, BANANAS! last night she cried for an hour in total! i feel so bad leaving her, but if we go in to her, she's gets more upset!

i don't know what to do. i worry she's not getting enough rest as she's only sleeping for an hour in the day at nursery. i'm also constantly tired and susceptible to every bug and cold going around. i go to bed at 9pm most nights, and i'm still not getting decent rest. i am so ratty and moany about my sleep, just don't know what to do. any ideas, please help.....

OP posts:
grouphug · 19/02/2008 17:23

How old is your DD?
How long has she been at nursery?

Original poster
moodlesoup · 19/02/2008 17:36

oh sorry! she's 18months old, she's been at nursery since 6months.

OP posts:
grouphug · 19/02/2008 18:17

With you on the sleep deprivation and picking up lots of bugs mine is 6 months old and still on two night feeds. Hopefully someone can post who has a baby of a similar age and waking but if it was me I would pick her up and cuddle her and give her kisses and rock her back to sleep for the 2am waking but others will prob say that is wrong but that to me is just a natural instinct. Hopefully it will pass. I would speak to the nursery about her sleep during the day and see if they can help a bit more. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Original poster
moodlesoup · 19/02/2008 20:15

thanks grouphug. much appreciated.

OP posts:
MaeWest · 19/02/2008 20:31

moodlesoup - my DS is also 18 months and has never been a great sleeper, but had started to settle down. The past couple of nights he's woken at 3am screaming his head off, but going in to cuddle him seems to make him even more cross . What you posted sounds so familiar!

I have reluctantly left him to cry a bit recently when he does this as I seem to be doing all the 'right' things and they don't bloody work!

Sorry no advice, but do sympathise...

margoandjerry · 19/02/2008 20:35

I've posted this before and got told off for it but I have also found going in and doing all the pick-up/put-down, shushing/patting and all that just enrages my DD (16mo).

I have tried all sorts of different ways and come to the conclusion that it's best if I go in once, check she's ok and nothing obviously wrong, cuddle her then put her back to bed and leave the room. She yells but it's for max 10 mins these days and then goes back to sleep.

Before, when I was trying to do things by the book, we'd end up with three hours of sobbing as she'd get upset with every new bit of interaction.

pedilia · 19/02/2008 20:37

Depending on the type of cry I tend to leave mine to it, DD 13 months goes ballistic if I go in so I have a peek so she can't see me, if all is ok I leave her to it, she soon goes back to sleep.

zim · 19/02/2008 23:39

hi i was going to start a new thread about controlled crying but even though theres an age difference in our babies (my ds is 6 months) its exactly the same for us with the going in to comfort him making him worse. margoandjerry do you mind me asking you why you got told off for what you said before? I hope people weren't criticising you coz you left your baby to cry for 10 minutes? We started cc a week ago and I must admit its been a mixed bag(2 nights of hell followed by 2 best nights ever followed by 2 nights of hell followed by lots of guilt that id carried on the cc with the assumption that he needed 're-training' after a blip but that problem may have been he was teething)anyway, we're in the middle of it all now but the fact is no-one should criticise anyone elses parenting skills. like you say 10 minutes of crying is better than 3 hours!
I'd love to hear what others have tried....

Floppytulips · 20/02/2008 10:12

When you say 10 mins of crying, is it...

whimpering
shouting
sobbing
meltdown?

I just started leaving DD a bit longer to whimper and shout, I couldn't believe it when she settled herself- I think I was being too soppy before, her cries actually sound like 'I'm annoyed I can't get to sleep' rather than 'I need you now, if you love me come this minute and rescue me'..

Surroundedbysnot · 20/02/2008 10:18

I - gulp - try medised for a middle of the night waking now, cos it is relatively rare (every few weeks) and experience has shown that the next day dd is having a painful time with teething - I assume that that is what has caused her middle of the night wake-up. The next night I will give her Calprofen when I put her to bed, hoping she can sleep through the discomfort.

Wouldn't give Medised for an early morning wake-up though, cos that's just how dd is. A blardy lark.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 20/02/2008 10:23

We leave ours to cry for a little while if it is clear that he's only cross/wants to play. It's a very different cry from when he is upset or in pain, in which case we would go in.

Original poster
moodlesoup · 20/02/2008 11:05

our DD's crying is pure rage. she wants to be up, she's not hungry, she's not unwell, she wants to be held. when i go in and cuddle her for a few minutes, and she's happy. but the moment i put her down she's off again.

i left her a bit longer last night, and after 2 sets of probably 20mins she settled herself and slept through until 6.30am - which is a first. i don't think its child abuse, its helping her to sleep on her own and helping the entire family unit to function. noone's babies are the same as each other, and i guess it just a matter of doing what you think is best without being judged for it.

OP posts:
margoandjerry · 20/02/2008 12:16

Zim, yes someone told me that CC was horrible and "bordered on child abuse" which hacked me right off tbh.

I have learned that my daughter will cry (scream) for 10 mins and will then go back to sleep. She's not being abused, she's just very angry that she's not allowed to get up and play with me at 3am.

I hate that kind of emotive talk tbh.

K999 · 20/02/2008 12:36

I did CC with DD2 at 12 weeks. In every 1-2 minutes. Took 3 nights but after that have never looked back. I dont think CC is child abuse - that is absurd!!

helpneededplease · 21/02/2008 15:23

My dd is 9 months and we are starting cc tonight. She has only slept through four times since birth and last night after going in 9 times between 7 and 10.30 and being up cuddling and shushing from 12.30 til 3.30 I couldnt take any more and left her to cry. It took half an hour and she went to sleep til 7.15
This has made me decide to start cc tonight. Some websites say go in after 5 then 10 then 20 minutes but this will only upset her more. Is it ok, after you have gone in the first time to check everything is ok, to then leave them until they settle?

DaddyJ · 22/02/2008 09:44

You have answered your own question, helpneeded!
You are the expert. If that's what you think your lo
is telling you, act on it. And keep listening!

Good luck with the sleep training, it has been a godsend for a lot of us!

Jambers99 · 22/02/2008 10:45

We're in a similar position with my ds, who's nearly 13 months. He has been a generally good sleeper, occasionally waking in the night but usually ok once we've retrieved the dummy from under the cot. However about a week ago he started waking at 2am or 4am. At first we thought something was wrong, so we'd get him out and cuddle him, give him calpol and/or bonjela, offer a drink of water etc, but we couldn't get him back to sleep. As soon as we but him back in the cot, he was livid, thrashing about, sitting or standing up and screaming with rage. We've even tried bringing him into our bed, but he won't sleep, just likes to scratch our faces and pull our noses (just like moodlesoup's lo).

He won't be cuddled back to sleep, even when we're holding him he thrashes about and cries. He doesn't seem to be sick, and isn't obviously teething at the moment. We are thinking about trying CC, since we can't think what else to do and want to break his habit of waking up to be cuddled.

Would love to hear of anyone else who has experienced this and found a solution.

Original poster
moodlesoup · 22/02/2008 16:10

i had some success on wednesday night, but last night we're broke after 2 sessions of furious rage from DD. DH ended up giving her milk at 5am to calm her down, and then she fell asleep on his lap by 5.30am so he transferred her back to cot and she slept until 7am!
we're going to continue cc, but i fear she just won't ever stop crying!

OP posts:
rooibosh · 22/02/2008 18:08

I was going to post on this issue but felt embarrased and that people would think we are mean. Our ds (9 months)gets really angry if we go to him in the night, fine when we are there, holding him, or even sh'ing for a while, but as soon as we go to leave he is yelling, and the only solution that works is just leaving him for as long as it takes. There seems nothing caring about going in to him just to leave him again when the effect is so much more crying. Pretty shocked by it though, as did cc with ds 2 years earlier, and we'd go in after 5 mins, she'd be yelling when we left and then be fine really quickly (once we'd finished the bad 3-4 nights). CC with DS took much longer, and we'd tried from birth to do all the 'right' things, so it felt really unfair.

Tinkjon · 23/02/2008 13:33

Re. the CC, when you go back in to them are you supposed to stay there until they calm down (ie. stop crying) or are you just letting them know you're there and you leave again whilst they are still crying?

rooibosh · 23/02/2008 15:49

different books say different things, but the first one we read and therefore used, said go in, briefly reassure and leave.

personally i think calming them first prolongs it all and can be more upsetting for the baby when you then go. so it's up to you really.

countryhousehotel · 23/02/2008 15:58

moodlesoup my dd is 19 months and goes absolutely BESERK if she wakes in the night and I go anywhere near her to try to resettle her. Dh does it now and she calms down quickly and gets herself back to sleep. If I go in, we're all up for hours. We also did a form of cc before christmas as she was waking twice a night for 2 months, all started with molars coming through, then a cough and cold, then she just got in to the habit of waking and being cuddled....once she was better we went in every 2 minutes if she woke, comforted her over the side of the cot for a short while, then left the room and repeated in 2 mins. Dh did most of it, because it just inflamed her if i went in. I'd never leave her for more than 2 or maybe maximum 5 mins after a couple of nights, just keep repeating the going in and comforting then leaving. It could take a few nights but she will give up in the end if you are consistent. Good luck!

discoverlife · 23/02/2008 16:03

My Health visitor once told me that everybody has moments through the night when we partially or even fully wake up. When you think about it its true. With the contoled crying all you are trying to do is to get your child used to the idea that they can go to sleep on their own. Its normal.

Anabellesmumanddad · 24/02/2008 11:05

hello all
my dd1 is 16 months and still wakes at night with a 'someone's trying to kill me' cry. I only know this because I am up with dd2 (7wks) feeding! If it wasn't for the feeding I wouldn't know she was waking up. We did cc with her when she was little and we would walk in pat to reassure, no talking and walk out. But we also had some nights where we would sit there with finger or dummy in her mouth until she feel asleep, because she was inconsolable. We felt it was important never to pick her up, but reassure her while she was in the cot. I think every parent has to try different techniques. As they grow they need different things. Have also had nights when she was about a year old, where we left her cry for an hour because we were simply fed up.
I believe quite strongly that we need to sorta teach the child that we believe they can calm themselves down. It's not realistic to cater to every whim and fancy a child has, I mean, if it was during the day and they wanted something unrealistic we wouldnt have a hard time refusing them, it's just at night the crying seems to be so much more heart-felt and makes them seem so much more vulnerable. IMO

Anabellesmumanddad · 24/02/2008 11:07

ps - not that crying at night is always a 'whim' but I think they are creatures of needs and wants and can't tell the difference