Beyond my breaking point... desperate for advice

[poppyinyourhair]

I can count the number of 'full' nights sleep (uninterrupted stretch of 6 hours) on less than one hand in TWO YEARS.

I am so, so so, exhausted. Even when DH does the night shift I am still woken up by DS crying. Once I'm awake it's really hard for me to quickly fall back asleep. I feel broken and my mental health and work performance are really starting to suffer.

DS is 16 months now and I swear slept better as a 4-6 month old than he does now. 2-3 night wakings are regular occurrence, usually solved by finding the paci and a few back pats but sometimes when he is truly inconsolable (30 mins or more of crying) we give in and give him milk. This instantly settles him and sends him back off. We don’t ever feed to sleep though, he always goes down awake and puts himself to sleep, but It seems like the only solution when he is really worked up in the middle of the night.

I really don’t want to set this precedent of reintroducing night feeds. He seems to eat ok (not great) in the day and even if he doesn’t people say he’s old enough to fast through the night at this age?

I don’t know what we’re doing wrong. I don’t understand how anyone does Controlled Crying or any other sleep training when half the time it seems like he is genuinely hungry or teething etc.

Today I’ve been up since 4 am when he woke, unable to go back to sleep from anxiety thinking about work today and how I wasn’t going to be rested for an important meeting… fast forward to now and I never was able to fall back asleep, now requesting the meeting on Zoom as I need to WFH, feeling a complete and utter failure and that I’ll probably get sacked. I don’t think I can go on like this.

My child didn't sleep through till they were about 8 (sorry to say this) years old.

Just do what ever results in the most rest for all of you.

My advise is not to get fixated on how much sleep you get.

I agree with @CurlewKate. If he wakes in the night and is inconsolable for 30 minutes, then settles instantly after milk then your baby was clearly hungry.

I couldn't co sleep, so we had a mattress on the floor for little one and they were allowed to come through to use it IF they didn't wake us up.

I agree with this. It could be hunger/habit/comfort, who knows? But you’re exhausted, you’re at breaking point so right now, pick your battles and hand over the milk 😂 Seriously though, I’ve had 4 and they’ve all had little phases of wanting extra milk in the night - my most recent is just turned 2 and was having some milk in the night until around Christmas. Once a night he’d wake, I’d whack some milk in the bottle and stumble back to bed. Easier on everyone. Then with the passage of time (and believe me, time helps) and him wanting to try more foods in the day, I watered the milk down. He’s off it now and has been for 3 months, sleeps through unless his teeth are bothering him. No two baby is the same. Yes we can help them form habits, and they can develop associations, but it doesn’t last forever. I’ve yet to see an adult needing a dummy and a bottle of milk for bed. It will get better OP, but right now, if it was me? I’d go with whatever was quick, easy and got me the sleep x

Just sleep train, for goodness sakes. 2 weeks later your problem will be entirely solved. It's not rocket science.

Tell her what to do then. She may not know.

We got a sleep trainer in, worth every penny and I’d do it again. It’s basically the Ferber method. My then 10 month old DS (now 16 months) went from waking every 2 hours to sleeping through 7-7. He has the odd grumble now and then, and if he’s unwell then that’s different. But otherwise we’re all very happy and I’m back to an even keel.

if you’re in London/SE, you are welcome to DM me and I’ll give you the trainers number.

@AperolWhore thanks I'll look her up

@CurlewKate I'm the one on here asking for help! Opinions and advice is what I'm looking for :)

@Speedweed can I ask how old your DC is?

@FlounderingFruitcake any good non-sugary cereal you would recommend? And yes, I'm afraid he does have milk throughout the day. A small cup in the morning with breakfast (and in his Weetabix), and is offered a little with snacks. He still has a bedtime bottle but it's his only bottle all day, otherwise he has to use a straw cup. I'm anxious he could be a picky eater and don't want to do anything to risk making it an issue. But part of why I'm here is because I don't know what to do or if he's getting enough, and how to make him eat when we need him to eat and not at 4 am 

@flowagurl tbh I've tried cosleeping a few times and it's not for either of us. He gets more unsettled, wants to play or crawl around, gets excited seeing us etc. A friend who coslept also advised me to not start now if we've made it this far and he's otherwise happy in his own room

@GiltEdges you're right but we don't just jump to giving milk right away. Sometimes it is just that he wants dummy and goes straight back down, sometimes it's dummy and cuddle, sometimes it's teething granules etc. so unfortunately we don't know until we run out of other options. Plus I am frustrated he could possibly be hungry when he is offered 3x meals and 2x snacks every day at what appear to be appropriate windows based on everything I've researched. And it seems too common an occurrence to blame on growth spurts

Have you actually tried controlled crying? As in, pat and soothe then leave? Go back after a few minutes, pat and soothe, gradually increasing the time between?

This is what I did and it worked a treat. I took a week off work to ensure I wasn't exhausted by it as by then I was back full time and could barely function as he wouldn't sleep.

I usually give weetabix or porridge before bed, sometimes a banana with full fat natural yoghurt. It does sound like he’s having a lot of milk, and if picky eating is on your radar and he’s hungry at night, this could be something. I personally wouldn’t offer it with breakfast when he already has it on cereal and I wouldn’t offer it with snacks. He’ll be full for longer if he gets the calories from
food and he only need 12oz of milk, including what’s in his food.

Thanks @FlounderingFruitcake ... and here is where my head explodes. As last night we did nothing different, if anything he didn't eat much dinner, and he slept through until 6! bless him, maybe he knew mummy needed a break.

I will start trying the pre bed snack though that seems like a good idea

That’s great he slept through! Hopefully you’re feeling slightly better today. It is a minefield of trial and error isn’t it?

Can I ask why it's a good idea to restrict milk?

Batelle.con
expensive but worth every penny. Only thing that works - you can also pay in instalments interest free

Mostly because much milk fills them up because of the high fat content and that restricts appetite for the balanced diet they need. So they get hungry later. Excess calcium can also cause iron deficiency. And it can cause constipation because the milk is taking the place of fibre rich food. Of course they need milk! But there’s definitely such a thing as too much of it.

@FlounderingFruitcake Fair enough. Not a line I would stick to on this case-but each to their own!

I wouldn’t make it my hill to die on at 3am either but I would cut it right down during the day and aim to replace all the milk with filling healthy food.

When babies wake at night, other than teething /fever they are often just momentarily discombobulated, still drowsy; so don't rouse them further. Just settle them right back down

I would have ready on the bedside table, a sippy cup with an ounce or two of room temp cows milk. And a dummy.

When he wakes, don't put on a light, chat or sing ; just silently give him the little drink, pop in the dummy, lay him back down and leave him alone.

Yeah same here. DD is 2,5 years old. I haven’t slept since I got pregnant. It’s shit.
I have 0 advice apart from put less pressure on yourself and the DC

I'm not sure if there's anything you can do once you've exhausted all avenues. They are all different and sleep through the night at different ages.
My first was around 6 months, my second nearly a year, my third by about 9 months, and my fourth was over 3 years old before she slept through - she was still waking up between 2 and 4 times a night for a feed at age 3 (comfort). All were breastfed so it was always me that dealt with them, they all co-slept, they all had a similar routine.
You just have to get on with it. Long term sleep deprivation is a killer.

You're not doing anything wrong, in fact quite the opposite: you're following their lead and responding to their needs. You're a good mum. X

Why on earth are you not just giving him milk? It's entirely natural, some kids have fast metabolisms and it suggests he is just thirsty or hungry. Feed to sleep - or even better dream feed or even cosleep and you'll find they will go back to sleep faster. We've been doing this - little one is now down to only one 'night' feed at 5am before he sleeps for another 3 hours at 21 months. Goes to bed at 7:30pm. He is now in his toddler bed, no longer cosleeping and eventually will be (we hope) able to drink himself! It sounds like you are getting a lot of really bad advice. I would really recommend The Beyond Sleep Training project for advice & support

Yikes I've just seen that you've called your 16 month old fat! Toddlers need the calories, they need to the fat for their brain development, it's good for them and restricting their diet, including milk, will impact it. Milk is also a drink, he might be thirsty so you could try water?

With a 14 month old who woke up 10 plus times a night, a toddler struggling to get used to having new baby in the house and a husband who travelled for work multiple weeks, I consulted babysleepthenight - it turned out to be the best few hundred pounds we’ve ever spent. I (and consequently our whole family unit) feel like we got our lives back (note I am not affiliated to the company but am a genuinely happy customer).

By ‘lives back’, I mean sanity/mental health needed to deal with general life x