Some help me understand how to sleep train!

[TedTonks]

My baby is 5.5 months and hasn’t slept well since he was 8 weeks. He does a good 3-4 hours to start and then wakes every 45-60m in the night. We have a decent bedtime routine with him but he just doesn’t know how to get himself to sleep!

So we’ve decided to sleep train - sounds like it’s normally done in 3 (torturous) days but I don’t fully understand how it works…

do you just do it for their bedtime (7-8pm) or do you also do it for every night wake? When people say ‘oh it took 30 minutes on day 1’ do they mean for every wake or just the first put down?

please help a very tired mumma out!!!

@TheShellBeach thank you for all your replies - this is very helpful!!

Did she calm at all when you went in and patted her? This is what I don’t really get the point of cause my baby doesn’t respond to that (I know because he screams his head off for the first 5 minutes of every car journey!!)

it sounds like you did it for every night waking - is that right? Did you also do it for naps?

I'd do naps and nights together. Basically they're learning a skill and the more practice the better. You might find that, once sleep trained, his naps are automatically longer than 30 minutes.

I think controlled crying is kinder than CIO because at least the baby sees you every so often while you're doing it.

I know that this is an emotive subject and that there will be people saying that it's cruel but I could not cope with another night disturbed eight times by my DD.

She didn't calm down much when I went in and patted her I found it easier to know that she knew I was still there, even if it was intermittently.

I didn't need to do it for naps because she was always put down in a dark room, in her cot, for both naps, and left to soothe herself. For some reason that didn't work at bedtime and I have no idea why that was. Anyway, CC worked.

Good luck.

I'm sorry but if you're just letting your baby scream, how would you know if they're actually in distress, how would you know they aren't hungry? Gosh this sounds awfully cruel for your own benefit. Sorry if this sounds judgemental but truly how I feel.

Sorry, context. I did pick up, put down but it's not a quick option but you're always in the room with your baby, making sure she's ok. This was very gentle and meant minimal tears and he's 21 months now and goes to sleep by himself.

If he’s sleeping 3-4 hour stretches at the start of the night then he can already link sleep cycles and is waking for some other reason. I know it’s hard, but waking at night is completely normal and at this age there are regressions after regressions, so even with sleep training you’re not likely to see long term benefits. He may call out a bit less for a while, then start teething or catch a cold or go through a growth spurt of needing more feeds overnight (claims that babies after 6 months don’t need to feed overnight are bullshit, some babies don’t and others do) and you’re back to where you started and have to repeat the process. How many times are you prepared to let him cry it out?

It does get easier, I promise. Then it gets harder again. And then easier. Repeat for a couple of years.

I see PUPD and you baby learning to be awake in the cot and that they are ok but if they need me I'll be there for them.

@gemloving well we can agree to disagree :)

If as you say he wakes and 'can't get back to sleep without rocking or feeding', I would just cut out the rocking and feeding. I would start by sitting next to his cot and patting him back to sleep. You night find this is all it takes and he starts sleeping through after a few nights. If not you could try a gradual retreat or a pop in ad out approach.
I wouldn't feed him at some wake ups and not others as it is too confusing.

I know you are going to refuse to hear this OP but I'm putting it here in the hope of others reading it. Sleep "training" goes against everything we as carry mammals are meant to do with our offspring.

You are determined to do it regardless so I'll just pray for your poor baby, but others might read the article and dig deeper into this:

inews.co.uk/opinion/sleep-training-babies-cause-distress-research-1199132

OP, are you planning on doing controlled crying or just leaving your baby to cry alone until they exhaust themselves? Because from what you’ve said it sounds like you’re going to do the latter, which yes, is cruel. I would like to know how and why you think it isn’t? Going from rocking to sleep to suddenly leaving them to continuously cry is very drastic. You really should consider a gentler method.

I am not against sleep training as I understand how crippling the sleep deprivation can be, but at least go to your baby in timed intervals. Yes they might continue to cry, but at least you’re checking on them and they know you’re still there!

@Moonshine160 so instead of leaving him to cry for 30 minutes I leave him to cry for 2 hours because I keep popping in and disrupting him? I’m not being sarcastic - I am asking genuinely because few people will explain to me how this works!! My baby is never calmed at all by just our voice or patting etc.

I’m sure some babies are and so this is a valuable option! Just not my baby. It seems very selfish to just drag the crying out to make myself feel better.

How do you know it'll be 30 minutes if you just leave him and 2 hours if you don't? With controlled crying at least baby know you're still there but if you don't come in the room at all, he will presumably feel abandoned. As others said and as I said before, you could first try to sleep train him by removing his sleep props but still offering him comfort. Yes he will cry, but he knows you're there and you don't know whether offering comfort will prolong the crying. With regards to offering milk feeds, perhaps do a dream feed and then next feed not until after 5 am so as not to confuse him (ie by sometimes offering milk and sometimes not). I found the Sleep Sense programme really useful, it gives day by day sleep training videos and solves issues within a 14 day period.

Crying, in and of itself, isn't bad. It's how babies communicate. Gentle parenting approaches don't aim for there never being any crying. What's important is that the baby isn't crying alone and abandoned, that their cries are heard and responded to even if that doesn't stop the crying.

Cry it out is very distressing for a small baby. It might work eventually but he will learn that no one comes when he is distressed.
I know how awful sleep deprivation is but if you want to do sleep training there are much kinder and gentler ways.

Wow, Ferber/controlled crying I can understand. I don’t think it would be for me but I can understand why people do it. But full blown cry it out on a 5 month old? Put them down, shut the door and don’t come back? Sorry, that’s awful.

Because crying in the presence of a care giver is completely different to crying alone! Babies stress hormone is only slightly elevated when crying in the presence of a care giver whilst it is highly elevated when crying alone. As a previous poster said, the aim isn't to stop the crying. You can sit with the baby and support the baby through the change with your touch and voice. It is OK for baby to express his anger and frustration at the change of routine, I consider my role to help support and guide my baby through that process.

Leaving baby to cry alone is cruel. Yes the process might be slightly longer if you did controlled crying and went to them in intervals but the whole point of doing that is so they know you’re still there and haven’t been abandoned! I don’t know how you could just leave a small baby to cry until they exhaust themselves like that. Why won’t you consider a gentler method before going straight to CIO?

How about instead of doing either you comfort the baby who needs it instead of leaving them to cry at all?