My 4 month old will only sleep with me, feel like I’m failing him, sleep tips welcome please

[Newbiemum76]

Hello all,
I have posted about my DS sleep before on here but I am really at my wits end now - he is 4 months old this week and he just will not settle himself in his cot!

It could be the sleep regression yes but he’s never been a good sleeper, he fussed a lot in his Moses basket when younger and only slept 1/2 hours in it at a time.
He naps in the day either on me, in the pram, in the car seat while I’m driving and occasionally he’ll dose off in his bouncer for 40 mins. His naps aren’t at the same times everyday, they are random but usually after 1.5/2 hours of awake time.

Things we have already tried:

• Hot water bottle in cot to warm the bed up
• my top from the day so it smells of me
• dummy for sleep (but he now has it for comfort in the day if he gets upset)
• white noise
• Putting him down when he’s drowsy but awake (this never works he just wakes up fully immediately)

He sleeps in a sleep bag already and is formula fed - still waking up at least twice in the night for a feed.

We haven’t introduced a proper bedtime routine such as book, bath bed etc because I don’t know much about doing that and with him having random naps, his ‘bedtime feed’ as I call it is at different times each night so would I have to delay this feed to put him in a bedtime routine?

I feel like I’m failing him as a mother because he has a lot of broken sleep during the night and I’m worried this will affect his development.

Sorry for such a long post, any advice is helpful x

If he’s only waking twice a night that’s really good for this age! Babies wake at night, it’s normal and will not harm him! The internet is full of noise from “sleep consultants” selling their services on unrealistic expectations, praying on overwhelmed and tired parents. Babies are supposed to wake at night to feed, and sometimes for comfort too.

Drowsy but awake is nonsense for most babies, it’s not really developmentally appropriate to expect them to fall asleep without support until they’re much older! (Sometimes as old as school age) And these “sleep coaches” love to tell you that unless your baby can fall asleep on their own then they’ll never sleep through the night, but that’s not at all true! Those two things are unrelated.

But you can introduce a routine and it would be a good idea to do so. A routine however is not the same as schedule so if his bedtime varies because of naps, which is common, then just do the routine according to when his bedtime will be. A routine is just doing the same things in the same order to signal what’s coming next (sleepy time) but babies can’t tell the time and won’t know whether you’re reading the bedtime story at 7pm or 7.45, all they know is that they’re getting a bit tired because they’ve been awake long enough since the last nap.

Sounds normal for 4mo.

Has someone been criticising his sleep? Are you feeling sleep deprived yourself? What's the issue?

That sounds totally normal to me. Some babies are good sleepers, some are not. Neither of mine was a good sleeper. My 10 month old still usually sleeps in the bed with me (he goes to sleep in his cot but after he wakes he will only settle in bed with me). My three-year old is an amazing sleeper now but didn't sleep through till he was over two years old. Both mine were waking multiple times a night at four months and often slept in bed with me. With our first we tried sleep training, night nannies and baby sleep consultants to try to get him sleeping through the night in his cot. However, none of it worked and it only made me stressed and unhappy. My advice would be: Don't stress. Eventually, your baby will sleep through in their own bed. For now, just do what whatever means you get the best night's sleep possible. If that means co-sleeping, we'll, there's nothing wrong with that. You will miss snuggling with them when they are older.

Sounds normal and you’re doing great and what works for you. He’s still quite little to send himself to sleep.

Also, the drowsy but awake thing is rubbish. You are definitely not failing. They are all rubbish sleepers at 4 months. Both mine stopped sleeping for longer than 45 min stretches during the day from about 4-6 months. It drove me mad, but they grew out of it eventually.

Also the napping anywhere and everywhere and at different times will really help you get out and about in the future

Your baby sounds completely and utterly normal! You’re not failing at all. Stop reading nonsense about putting them down drowsy but awake etc and ignore anyone who preaches to you about what this kind of thing. Your baby is tiny and it’s normal for them to need you for sleep. Do what works for you and your baby. They soon grow and change! It’s not forever.

Thank you everyone for such supportive replies. It’s reassuring to know this is normal and hopefully he will settle into a better sleep pattern soon!

@Merlott a few friends were talking about how their babies of similar ages/when they were DS age slept through the night in their own room in their own cot etc and it just upset me because my little one doesn’t do that

Should I be introducing the bedtime routine now then? Does it mean I’ll have to sit upstairs with him after we put him down to sleep? My partner usually gets home around that time and we eat together then but I’m happy to eat earlier so I can be closer to DS to see if he’ll settle

You only have a chance of regular naps with the first anyway because if you have more children you will be out and about doing school runs, watching sports day etc so having a baby that can nap on the go is better imo. I don't think my third had a single daytime nap at home! And he's always slept really well.

I think you can start to introduce a bedtime routine with a bath and a cuddle and a feed and then put him to bed now. Can you read in a chair while he falls asleep. This does sound normal to me at 4mo. Again, with youngest, I no longer had time for this and he'd sleep in the sling at this time while I was in the kitchen, helping with homework etc and then I'd put him to bed later. He's always slept like a log. I can't remember when he got into a proper bedtime routine but it was after 6m I think.

You aren't failing him! Hes 4 months, tiny still. The drowsy but awake thing is bullshit. My son is 12 months old and I still rock him to sleep. Check out Lyndsey Hookway on Instagram - she has some good advice.

Sounds totally normal. Do what works for your family.

I read a brilliant book when Dd was younger called Bringing up Baby and it looked at parenting fads throughout the YEARS it put the well meaning advice and competitive parenting into perspective.

Regimental routines and 7pm bedtimes became a thing when women went back to work so that mother had time to wait on father and prepare for the next day. If you aren't working or want baby to stay up later then go for it. I think that sort of routine is only needed once the LO is going to school.

If a strict bedtime works go for it, I didn't because developmental jumps, illnesses, potty training all throw a spanner in the Works and you have to restart. If your husband is home late then I assume you like to spend time all three of you? I know lots of parents who wouldn't stray from the 7pm bath, book, bed routine (with their PFB) even in the summer, DD and I would be going for an evening beach stroll and trip to the park and those are some of my favourite memories of DDs toddler years.

I am a single parent, DD was breastfed and we coslept so that I could save my sanity. She didn't start sleeping in her own bed every night, all night, until she was 10 years old. She just preferred being in my bed - she wouldn't ever dream of getting in my bed now and sleeps through the night with no problems. Didn't impact her development at all she's academically gifted, has good emotional attachment, she always slept alot and is very tall so didn't impact her physically either.

Dont worry about other people and do what's right for you.

My baby sleeps on me. He won't sleep when I put him down. Babies are little mammals and feel safe when they are with mama. From a cave perspective, a lone sleeping baby would have been at risk from predators. That's why babies sleep better with/on someone.

This is what we do as an evening routine - one parent brings older child up to bed around 7:30 and the baby sleeps on the other parent while we watch tv. Around 10 pm we go to bed. DH holds baby while I get ready for bed or baby might stay asleep for 20 mins if I put him down on the bed while I get ready.

You're not failing your baby, don't worry.

You have had lots of supportive posts and you are definitely not failing. We are all just doing our best. I will say that I felt my LO entered a slippery slope after the 4 month regression and I was worried as I am single and needed things to be more predictable. I did the tiniest amount of sleep training via gentle controlled crying. It has gotten him to self settle now and even though he doesn't sleep through, his first stint in the night is long and deep and I can tell he's more settled. Our routine also includes nightly bath with calm nursery rhymes, a quick story that's called Goodnight Moon after his feed. While I put him in his sleeping bag, I say goodnight to lots of the family and while I am putting him in the cot I sing Twinkle twinkle. I would say these "rituals" don't take long but really help and he def knows what's coming.

I didnt start bedtime routines until mine were about a year, didn't even consider it at 4mths. You sound like your doing a fab job and he sounds completely normal for a 4mth old!

Wow! Both mine were only doing 45 mins at that age!

Main reason I ended up cosleeping.

You're doing so well ❤️ and so is little one!

Their brain / sleep patterns change at that age and they also start to learn about separation anxiety.

Many people's idea of 'sleeping through' can be from 11pm till 4 or 5 am; iirc technically speaking in scientific papers it's been 5 hours. Also many many people forget exactly what was happening at that age unless mildly traumatising like mine were!

She didn't start sleeping in her own bed every night, all night, until she was 10 years old.

Yes I breast fed and coslept till 3.5 and 4 with mine. (I did night wean at some point too!) both went happily into own beds all night at 5 and 4.3, because they got new bedrooms and were v happy to do so.

Many friends who pushed it sooner still have 9 yr olds getting scared at night and coming in. I remember doing so for a long time. I've been really surprised with both as they were both so clingy for so long. All kids are different though.

He’s completely normal.
Give him all the cuddles and try self-settling in a couple of months.

My 4 month is still in the next to me which I think really helps.
He's in a bedtime routine (loosely) I've got a 5 yo so he just follows her.
He's just about to be fed and put down with the monitor on, I'll dream feed him about 11pm and he'll sleep till about 7am. Sometimes he fusses through the night cause he's rolled on to his side and is stuck 🙈
I know I'm so lucky with him as my 1st didn't sleep till she was 2😂

@WarriorN
Yes DD told me that she liked sleeping in bed with me because I was warm and soft, I bought her one of those giant U pregnancy pillows and that was it she never got in again. I think when she was younger it was also because she was unsettled when she came back from her dad's and not having a partner to share the bed with meant there was no need to move her on before she was ready.

If you're failing him, then so am I with my DS! He's 8 months old and still co-sleeps. We've tried to get him to sleep alone. When he was younger he managed a few hours on some nights, but for me to get any significant rest, I decided he needed to sleep with me. Better that I'm not sleep deprived when looking after him in the day! As my MIL always says, he's not going to still be in my bed at 18, so just let it happen while they are young and needed those cuddles.

You are definitely not a failure. You just do what you have to to function. For me that meant cosleeping until he was a year as he was waking so often I couldn't function with so little sleep. Luckily he managed to sort of breastfeed himself so I was only half woken up! By a year he completely slept through and I moved him to his own room then. Just do whatever works for you and your family try not to compare with anyone else all babies/ families etc are different.

Aww so sweet! 🥰

They become sweaty teens before you know it so hold on tight for all the cuddles!

My eldest still likes to snuggle up with me when I'm reading to my youngest; he'd sleep there if he could.

he is 4 months old this week and he just will not settle himself in his cot!

Well no, he's 4m old. Very few will be self settling at this age, and 2 feeds is pretty good. Very good actually.

He sounds like a very normal, relatively well sleeping and reasonably easy baby tbh. Cuddling is feeding to sleep is normal. Waking for milk is normal. It may be several years before he sleeps through reliably. He's doing just fine -and so are you.

I wish I could react to all these messages with a heart!! I feel I could cry from everyone’s nice comments 🥰
I think I will carry on with what we are already doing with co sleeping and maybe introduce a bedtime routine in a few weeks and see how he gets on! He doesn’t like having a bath at the moment either so I want to wait a few weeks until he’s more happier in the bath and have this as part of our bedtime routine.

@Singleandproud yes when he gets home from work around 7ish we like to have a bit of family time together so I don’t want to put DS to bed before this time as I want him to spend time with dad too! Also you mentioned the pregnancy pillow - DS sleeps well cuddled into that on the sofa sometimes, I have thought about putting it next to me in bed and placing him in it but wasn’t sure if that was safe or not

Also (sorry while I think!) DS often has his ‘bedtime’ feed around 7/8pm as mentioned before but he usually falls asleep after this feed, I’ve tried to give it earlier to do a bedtime routine but he won’t drink it all and will be really fussy so would it be better to do bath, pjs, book and then feed?

Thank you to the mumsnet community for the reassurance!

It is perfectly natural for a baby to be comforted by their mother's heartbeat. We have snuggled with our babies forever. All this bollocks about getting them in their own cots and another room by 2 months old is just nonsense. Ignore the noise from people who can't wait to be as far from their child as possible, do what your baby needs.