Talk to me about controlled crying

[RockAndRollerskate]

My 7mo is the most lovely chilled baby, but he does not sleep!

I am, as far as I can tell doing everything right. He is well fed with food and milk, he gets lots of interaction, outside time, I pay attention to sleep windows and so on.

I’ve tried Lucy Wolfe methods, but he won’t take the final feed at all until he’s in his pjs in his room.

HV mentioned I’m doing everything right and the only thing she can suggest is controlled crying, but wouldn’t use it herself. I’ve seen a lot of posts advocating it as it is worked so well.

So - sorry for the long read - can you tell me how to start, and what do I do. I also still BF him 3x a night (10, 2 and 5). What do I do about the feeding? I don’t think he’s really taking much with it.

The 30 mins in the day is a problem. He's maybe overtired. Your HV is a wally for saying 'here's the only thing that could help, I'd never do it' what kind of judgey help is that?

We did gradual retreat. You start out by the cot, sitting right there, then slowly start out further and further away until you're by the door, then out of the door etc. The baby knows you are there, will be pissed off at not being held/fed etc but very soon adjusts.

I'd make a sleep routine (curtains closed, story, song etc) then put him in bed and do the gradual retreat thing. I got DH to do it as it was a bit unpleasant but not exactly horrifying - you are still there with them. You need to do it for every nap and night time waking and after a few days to a week, they learn that's how they go to sleep.

Ignore the people on here who always come out whenever sleep training is discussed - always say something along the lines of 'I've never done this but it's terrible and doesn't work' versus people who say 'I did this and it works', hm I think I know who I will believe. The naysayers imagine it means children are left in some desolate nursery but you can train where you're nearby or popping in and out. It's less crying overall than a child who wakes repeatedly in the night and cries every time because they expect to have a parent there every time they wake.

If you were right there then surely it wasn't controlled crying, it was stay and support?

We attempted some sort of controlled crying for DS when he was about 14 months similar to what EvergreenForest describes above and it was fucking horrendous and didn’t work. After three nights of putting a pillow over my head while DH took the lead (I was BF, didn’t want him to smell me). I’m not saying OP should or shouldn’t do it, I’m just saying that I am a case of trying it and failing. DS probably has no memory of it but I feel pretty sick recollecting it now.

OP, I’d also recommend Lyndsey Hookway on instagram if you’ve not come across her yet.

Thank you all, definitely lots of sensible advice here!

thank you also for not slamming me for asking the question - after being on MN a while, I did have my hard hat on ready, but you’ve all been supportive.

When I say they knew I was right there I mean they were aware I was close by. I wasn't actually standing next to them the whole time, I was outside their room. With both of my children I did CC when they were about 15 months (they both decided they didn't want to sleep at this age). I did the standard controlled crying, coming in to see them every 5 minutes, then every 10 minutes, every 15 minutes etc but even when I wasn't in the room they knew I was close. I'd occasionally call out "It's OK, I'm here. Time to sleep now" from outside their room. I'm 100% certain they didn't feel abandoned. They cried because they wanted me to go in and pick them up. I did controlled crying as a last resort because I was on my knees with exhaustion and my mental health couldn't take any more. They were also utterly exhausted and in a bad state. I tried co-sleeping, I tried gradual retreat but nothing worked. They just wanted to get up and play! I never thought I could do controlled crying but it was a miracle. It simply re-taught them that night time was for sleeping and they could sleep without my help. It took only one night to work for my daughter and 3 nights for my son.

I'm doing CC right now with my 9 month old DD2. Forgot how stressful it is 😬 but I remember doing it with my eldest and it being hard at first but by the end of the week she was self soothing and sleeping better through the night. DD2 currently sleeps in our room, in a Next2Me crib but we are hoping to move her to her own room after she turns 1, as baby no. 3 is due in January 🤦‍♀️we usually lay down next to her at bedtime but she can take hours to drop off (not good when you have other things that need doing) so I thought I'd start with the CC method before moving her to her big girl room 😁

I'm glad it worked for you.

I did try it with my eldest and i am pretty sure he did feel abandoned and was pretty traumatised by the whole experience. I had to stop when he would start shaking and crying and clinging on to me straight after the bath as he knew what was coming next.
I think whether it goes well really depends on your child's personality.

I think that last post sums it up really well. For a few kids it seems to work and help them sleep better, but it’s it worth it for all the ones who feel abandoned? We’re talking about a seven month old.
Not really the same, but I was put in my cot with the door shut when I was being "naughty" at bedtime and the adults all stayed downstairs, and I remember it vividly, the sense of abandonment and the shame, and have talked about it in therapy. My parents used CIO on me.

Sorry, I know CIO isn’t what you’re taking about so I’m straw manning. You’re talking about short periods of crying when you’re at the door. I just think that the personality of the child and the whole family relationship dynamic needs to be considered very carefully before trying out these kinds of methods.

Oh yes, I would find it hard in those circumstances too.

We did controlled crying for both and it worked each time. We started from eleven months though in each case because we felt earlier was too young. Sleep did not become perfect instantly but it gradually got better and both were sleeping through by 12 months.

Do not listen to the crap about mentally harming your baby.