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Sleep

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Original poster

13 month old fell out of bed - questioning co-sleeping

39 replies

Flumpydumps · 07/01/2022 22:32

Evening all - the current set up is my DS cot has one side taken off, and is attached to our bed (mattress in line with ours, no gap etc) as we are co-sleeping. However, the cot is more for decoration as he always ends up sleeping in our bed with us.
Tonight, we were getting ready for bed. DS was sat on the bed and I took my eye off him for a second, and saw him literally flip over the side of the cot and fall onto the floor. He is fine in himself, a bit of a bump to the head but settled with cuddles and comfort. I think my reaction scared him more than anything. I called my mum in a panic and she started saying ‘it’s time he is in his own bed anyway’ and that we needed to ‘lower the cot to the lowest setting and get the side on, he might cry but he needs to sleep by himself’.

He isn’t a great sleeper anyway and never has been. However, we have got ourselves into a much more settled sleep routine lately, where he is only waking up 2-3 times a night for a bf, and settling straight back down after. I’m also going back to work part time next week and really don’t feel this is the right time to be making big changes when his sleep is temperamental anyway. I feel like I’m being judged by family - myself and DP didn’t intend to co-sleep before DS was born but it was attempted out of sheer exhaustion and worked. Neither myself or DP have any desire for him to change our set up which is working.

It would be helpful to know if others have been in a similar position. Either with family making comments but also I want DS to be safe - now he’s fell out once, I’m terrified it’ll happen again but if I lower the cot, it won’t be in line with our mattress. Hopefully this makes sense, I think the fall has given me a bit of a fright and made me doubt myself!

OP posts:

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Ozanj · 07/01/2022 22:37

Your mum is right. Most next to me style cribs have a maximum age limit of 6 months for this reason. Once they become mobile the higher position become dangerous - I’m surprised you haven’t had more incidents by now. Just let him cosleep with you in the bed and remove the cot.

Newnews · 07/01/2022 22:39

I don’t think the cot does need to be in line with the mattress if he is fully mobile. It’s a recommendation for the cosleeping cribs because you don’t want baby to get trapped up against anything and not be able to breathe but presumably your DS would just roll away or get up and move if that happened.

Either way, I’m going to say what you don’t want to hear… the issue is probably the BFing back to sleep. And I say that as someone who always BF my eldest back to sleep until she was nearly 2, and am currently doing the same with my youngest who is 9 months. I have no doubts that this is why they wake up so much (and can only be resettled by me) but it didn’t really bother me. If you’re really exhausted, move him into his own room and night wean him. If you’re not, and/or you’re happy with the current situation, then don’t change things. Ignore other people!

Newnews · 07/01/2022 22:41

Sorry just to be clear I’m saying that yes you probably should lower the cot slightly so that when he stands up in it he can’t go over the side. But it also needs to not be so low down that he would hurt himself if he rolled from the bed into the cot.

Newnews · 07/01/2022 22:41

Or get a bed guard

LifeIsBusy · 07/01/2022 22:43

We have the same set up as you. Our cot is right up against the wall attached to our bed.

I fully intend to keep this set up until my DS sleeps all night (currently 8 months).

We ended up doing it with my first due as we moved him out to his room and his sleep got worse. He started sleeping so much better and started sleeping through around 13/14 month mark and we transitioned him to his own bed at 18/19months.

thebigpurpleone · 07/01/2022 22:44

At 13 months 3 feeds a night and you're going back to work? Maybe it's time for some changes, you're going to be exhausted surely.

amabahwn · 07/01/2022 22:58

I'd either get rid of the cot and just cosleep in your bed instead or try to transition to him sleeping by himself in a lowered cot so it is safe.

Also I'd be stopping the nightfeeds, there's no need for it at 13 months.

Original poster

Flumpydumps · 07/01/2022 23:06

Thank you everyone for the replies. For everyone mentioning BF at night - I have no idea how to stop this. He refuses to take expressed milk from a cup, and won’t settle without it (we have tried with DP trying to settle him when he wakes). I don’t know if it makes a difference, but DS has had issues with his weight and not gaining as expected, so I always thought it was necessary to continue offering as much milk as he wanted?

OP posts:

thebigpurpleone · 07/01/2022 23:09

Are you under the supervision of a health professional regarding the weight? It sounds like he's comfort feeding at night and needs the feed to go back to sleep when he needs to learn how to self settle.

EatDrinkEatDrink · 07/01/2022 23:09

We co-sleep, my baby has just turned 10 months. We did have a next to me style crib but once they can sit they aren't safe. We replaced with a bed guard, like you the crib has been for decoration or handy storage at best, he's never slept in it.

Original poster

Flumpydumps · 07/01/2022 23:14

@thebigpurpleone

Yes open to paeds and a dietician, with regular monitoring. I agree it’s likely more comfort at this point but also thought he would reduce/stop when he was ready. He’s my first child though so I don’t have experience of this. Any insight is greatly appreciated

OP posts:

thebigpurpleone · 08/01/2022 07:02

@Flumpydumps most people have to train their babies in some form or teach them how to self settle so you all start getting proper nights of sleep.

PurBal · 08/01/2022 07:10

@Flumpydumps

If you want to stop: night weaning. Currently doing with with 6mo DS. We’ve had a few tears but going well. But he’s in his own bed/room so he can’t smell me and he’s never had weight issues either. Don’t feel you have to stop though, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. You definitely need to want it, DS had his last nighttime feed and I missed it immediately.

SuPerDoPer · 08/01/2022 07:15

I kind of agree with your mum. I co-slept with both of mine but there a comes a point where they need to learn to sleep on their own. Whatever the set up it needs to be safe for their age and stage of mobility.

Classicblunder · 08/01/2022 07:21

Unless you are happy to do this for potentially years (and some people are!), I would sleep train and put him in his own room.

Doesn't have to be full on controlled crying, you could try gradual retreat or pick up put down. I would cut out the milk at night entirely, he doesn't need it at this age

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 08/01/2022 07:22

I feel like I’m being judged by family

You rang and asked your DM what to do, though. If you don’t want her opinion, why ask for it?

jevoudrais · 08/01/2022 07:30

I'm pro cosleeping, I still cosleep with my nearly 18 month old. It baffles me that you are still using a cot wedged against the bed though because that height of protection on the side of the bed is more dangerous for a toddler as you have now discovered. It was an accident waiting to happen, and is why you are advised to lower the cot mattress when they can sit up/stand. You need to get a bed guard and teach him how to get off the bed safely if you want to continue cosleeping.

Iamthemotherofdragons · 08/01/2022 07:44

I co-slept with each of my children and when they got too big for their Next to Me cot, we bought a larger co-sleeping cot that allowed the mattress to be inline with ours while still having a side that was too tall for them to climb over if that makes sense. I’m actually just about to take it down, you’d be more than welcome to it if it would help? It’s quite big though!

Bumblenums · 08/01/2022 07:44

OP buy a toddler bed and bed guards and put it up against urs. That way he can have his own space but know that ur still there. Everyone has an opinion OP, but in the end the most important thing is that everyone gets the most sleep possible

Anon2022 · 08/01/2022 08:48

I don’t think you have to listen to the mainstream U.K. narrative about kids need to learn to have their own room amd self soothe … this isn’t the only way to raise kids

If you’re happy to co sleep - and have big life changes ahead - then it’s madness to change it all right now

I also think baby falling off your bed is nothing to do with co sleep
It is because he was sitting , awake, on your bed. He might do this at any point - nothing to do with the co sleeping worries - which are about suffocation and being trapped whilst you are asleep

I do think that feeding and sleeping are difficult if tangled up
My girls were also low weight and this was a huge worry
By the time they were 1 - we knew food was more important than than milk anyway, and the breastfeeding was not as beneficial as it was in the early months … so cutting down the breastfeeding really helped us to focus on food

I feel like you’re putting a lot of oressure on in the last month of Mat leave - and Christmas holiday Might have been better to get
dS a new room sorted - maybe a toddler bed with space for you to cuddle up with DS

DH to do first 3 nights - and this to break the night feed habit

To make lots of excitement about the new room and sleeping in his own space with his toys

But that parents around if he needs you - just not night feeds

If you are in bed with him … night feeds will continue forever

Once you get over the night feeds , even if it is hell for DH for a week , you can deal with food during the day and other methods to help sleep overnight and even if you co sleep at times , at least the food is sorted

Knitter99 · 08/01/2022 08:59

If he's 13 months and the cot mattress is not at it's lowest position then that's not safe. You need to change that. Either you need to move the mattress to the bottom position or you need to stop using it and find another way. It is too easy for him to top over the top of the side.

If you're happy to co-sleep (we did for years) then just have him in your bed. If you're ditching the cot you've probably got room for a bigger bed if you can afford it.

You'll know when it's time to make changes. Ds got so big and wriggly that no-one was getting a peaceful night's sleep so we knew it was time. He was nearly 4.

EatDrinkEatDrink · 08/01/2022 09:00

My children continued to feed in the night until I stopped breastfeeding. My first stopped at 13 months and second was 2.5 years, I'm still feeding my 10 month old around the clock and have no intention of making him stop. It's tiring and once they start eating food they don't really need it, but I wasn't into the whole leave them to cry thing. My older children are 4 and 6 now and sleep in their own beds no problem, they still came into our bed in the night until they were around 3 (started the night in their own bed probably from around 2.5). There's an obsession to get babies to sleep in another room and leave them to cry to "train them", I find it bizarre. I'm in a group and they all started this from 6 months old, why bother having a baby if you didn't want your sleep disturbed? If your setup is working (get a bedrail and it's fine) don't change it. I returned to work a month ago, it is hard having disturbed sleep and working, but I'd rather I was tired than the baby was upset.

Daimari · 08/01/2022 09:05

My baby isn’t breastfed now and still wakes up all the time

This is one reason I don’t like co sleeping personally as my DS has fallen out of bed. Thankfully our bed is low and there is a carpet in the bedroom but still.

October2020 · 08/01/2022 09:13

We coslept until 13months. Baby fell out three times in 2 weeks (thankfully not so far!). She now sleeps through in her cot.
I am adamantly against sleep training and will not leave her to cry.
What worked for us was...
Dad doing bedtime and first settle if she woke - I'd only go in if she woke again after that. It seemed to break the association with milk. Dad didn't replace milk at bedtime, he just does bath, book, says goodnight to her and then rocks her to sleep. If I try she goes ballistic but she's fine for him!
Making her much warmer - cosleeping is so cosy - we turned up the heating and bought a thicker sleeping bag, warmer than recommended (21° and 2.5tog) but that seemed to help.
A LOT of white noise.
We still coslept if she woke up past about midnight, she came into our bed then - I'm too tired to argue at that time of night. But then she slept until 1am, then 4am, now 7am.....
She has a HUGE breastfeed when she wakes in the morning so I'm sure she's still getting the same as she was whilst comfort feeding overnight.

Good luck. x

LGBirmingham · 08/01/2022 09:42

I'm quite surprised at the comments your getting op. I don't personally co-sleep but I still feed my 13 month old in the night as it's the easiest way to get him back to sleep and he generally wakes once or twice unless ill. The vast majority of people I know with children this age are similar. I imagine I will night wean at some point but so far the wakes have diminished naturally on their own so I don't feel the need to atm.

If co-sleeping is what you've been doing I wouldn't change anything until your lo is well settled in nursery. Why don't you just dismantle the bed and cot and have all the mattresses on the floor? It will be much safer then. My ds sleeps on his cot mattress on the floor in his own room and it works great.

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