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why do people seem to think your risking harming your baby if you cosleep, yet if you put baby in there own room thats totallty acceptable?

63 replies

robinredbreast · 25/11/2007 21:14

just wondering?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
PhDiva · 26/11/2007 11:06

oh ggglimpopo I am so sorry for your loss. Of course it is what we all dread, and yet at the end of the day, as you say, there's nothing we can really do to prevent SIDS but follow the guidelines, but even then... How brave of you to try again, and I wish you all the best.

We have been co-sleeping with DS since he was 6 months. Before then, I would have been way too paranoid to try it. He sleeps under my duvet in the middle of our enormous bed, and insists on sleeping as close to me as possible all night, and feeding on and off at least 3 or 4 times. As a previous poster said, I think breast-feeding hormones kind of ensure you don't sleep too deeply or thrash about in your sleep. I always wake up in the same position I went to sleep in. I still worry about smothering him, but its either this arrangement or a complete nervous breakdown for me, so as we all know from our experience as parents, you do what you have to in order to get through - whether it is co-sleeping, bottle-feeding, sleeping on the floor, lo sleeping in another room, and so on. All you can do is try your best as the circumstances allow, which is obviously what we are all doing.

OrmIrian · 26/11/2007 11:15

I'm afraid I didn't read any of the reports and ignored all the advice. My babies all slept with me or in a cot next to the bed from birth until about 2yrs. Then spent most of the next 2 yrs coming in the wee small hours and getting in with us anyway. It was just what worked.

There seems to be so much prejudice about parental physical closeness with small children - extended bfing being another issue.

bethoo · 26/11/2007 11:21

up until last night my 9 month old co slept with me from the moment i bought him home. only because i bf but it gotto the stage where he would not sleep unless he was latched on and i was having broken sleep. last night he woke up quite a few times but i left him nad he was back asleep within seconds. i actually had a good sleep for the first time in months. i do not regret having him in with me and would still be doing it if it were not for the fact he now has teeth! i think it is a personal choice and my hv whispered to me when i told her that it is not necesarily bad to co-sleep if you want to. she said if i was ok with it then go ahead. it felt weird this mornign waking up nad he was not there but in another room.

Canadiandream · 26/11/2007 11:35

suey2 - sorry but had to laugh at your post - I had it all sorted in my head how ds would sleep (in moses basket to start with, then bedside cot), in the event he had colic and reflux and the only way he could/would sleep was next to me. Babies don't always follow instructions!

I did a lot of research into co-sleeping/SIDS when it transpired we had no choice but to co-sleep with ds if anyone wanted any sleep and discovered that:

so long as you eliminate dangers such as you being overweight or a smoker, drinker and suffocation hazards such as pillows, duvets (we ditched the duvet and use sheets/blankets) and make sure there is no-where the baby can get stuck then it is NOT more dangerous to co-sleep. Co-sleeping on a sofa is however incredibly dangerous. (risk of overheating mainly, but also suffocation).

My personal feeling now is that it is downright weird NOT to co-sleep - how can it be natural for a tiny little baby to sleep on its own. We will definitely be co-sleeping with our next ds.

ggglimpopo - I'm so so sorry for the loss of your daughter - that is just unimaginably awful. All the best with your next dc.

Canadiandream · 26/11/2007 11:40

And the old chestnut about rolling on to the baby (which I still hear all the time from my nan and ds is now 18mo) - the evidence is that mothers just will not roll on to their baby. They are so intune with the baby that they are hyper-sensitive to them and just won't roll on to them. The same cannot be said for carers who are not so close to the baby so, for example, grandparents etc should not co-sleep.

PhDiva · 26/11/2007 12:38

Speaking of old chestnuts,its like the story of the cat jumping up to smother the child in a fit of jealousy. Where on earth did this one come from, and has ANYONE ever heard of this actually happening?

NineUnlikelyTales · 26/11/2007 12:58

I went to bed last night after reading this and took hours to get to sleep. The image of a baby trapped in a head board just would not leave my head. Like other people I had assumed my DS would sleep in a crib/cot but it turned out he simply would not sleep that way so we ended up co sleeping and still are at 15m. I have had my worries about it (and still poke him in the night fairly frequently to make sure he is still breathing, poor thing!).

I agree with the poster who said about how the co-sleeping deaths seem worse because it is all about how the parent could have prevented the death and how the baby was smothered etc. The images are horrible. But I remember my aunt telling me how my poor cousin was when she found him dead from SIDS in his cot at 4m and believe me, the image is just as horrible.

We all take risks with our children every day. We put them to bed in cots in their own room before 6m, we co sleep with them, we take them for a drive in a car, we give them food they might be allergic to, we let them play on climbing frames, etc etc. We have to make up our own minds about what risks are acceptable to us. I would be very surprised if a baby in a car was not at more risk of dying in an accident than a co sleeping baby of smothering, and yet most people drive with their babies every day.

It comes back to the usual thing of try not to judge someone until you have been in their situation. We are all putting our children at risk all of the time and if we didn't they wouldn't grow up to be normal people.

zeebee · 27/11/2007 13:44

Coming to this a bit late, was actually seeking tips to get a 9mo to learn to settle himself other than by co-sleeping!

But - we are currently under the care of a consultant paediatrician who is undertaking a large research project on co-sleeping (also wrt breastfeeding). Video evidence taken during this study shows that co-sleeping parents generally lie in such a way that they protect the baby eg in a foetal position so the parent's knees prevent the baby from wriggling down the bed, parent lies on side so low risk of turning over and with an arm cradling the baby's head so it can't move up either. This also helped with night feeding for both mother and child. Fascinating stuff.

In his words - (as long as usual safety guideleines re drugs, smoking etc are followed exactly) he has no problem with co-sleeping. Provided some reassurance for us anyway, though personally I would still be happier for ds to be in his cot next to me rather than in bed with me.

kiskidee · 27/11/2007 13:53

"The co-sleeping deaths are very simple to explain" then can you please explain?

ChubbyScotsBurd · 27/11/2007 20:07

I've said this before, but since my baby insisted on co-sleeping I've become quite philosophical about the whole thing.

I've told myself that from an evolutionary perspective, the baby who only sleeps when it is within touching distance of its parent is a wise baby indeed, ditto the frequent waking/need for motion/fervent feeding etc etc you get the gist

Yes, there are risks ... but it's personal circumstance and choice. Yes, I would never forgive myself if I lost my baby to SIDS while we co-sleep. But if I lost my baby to SIDS while he slept in his cot I would always wonder if I could have made a difference if I had been closer. It's not like the fact that we hadn't been co-sleeping would offer me any comfort.

I was spectacularly uncomfortable with the idea of co-sleeping but became literally forced into it by a baby who could not be moved once asleep and could not fall asleep without breastfeeding. Having done it myself since my baby was around a month old, maybe earlier, I'm now confident that he's safe and I'm sure we'll continue to sleep like this for several months, if not years, to come. I don't think it's possible to appreciate how Ok it feels unless you've done it - but then my son is a big strong baby who doesn't hesitate to make himself known if he's uncomfortable. I might feel different with a dainty little prem for example.

LoveAngelGabriel · 27/11/2007 20:11

I didn't co-sleep for various reasons, but my son slept in a moses basket, and after that a cot, beside our bed for 7 months (until he got to the cot-rocking, grinning, 'it's 3am, mumma! Let's all wake up and have a party' stage ). I do find it odd when people put newborns in their own room. It seems to go against all parental instincts. Even though I didn't co-sleep, it does seem much more obviously 'naturla/normal' to my mind.

LoveAngelGabriel · 27/11/2007 20:17

I have just re-read this thread. Just wanted to say how very sorry I am to hear your story, ggglimpopo .

ChubbyScotsBurd · 27/11/2007 20:22

ggglimpopo - sorry, I should also have said how sorry I was to hear your story. Congratulatons on your pregnancy - I wish you all the best.

suey2 - I hope your baby is compliant, for your sake, I really do!

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