Gentle self soothing training - what am I doing wrong?

[FiloFaxx]

To cut a long story short my daughter is almost 6 months old. Sleep has never been great. She never liked a dummy but got used to it but it's ended up being a hassle and ruining her sleep. We have gradually reduced it and she's sleeping so much better without it especially for naps.

The issue is during the night. I'm following advice froma sleep course but didn't agree with not picking her up when she was crying but feel that makes her worse! I've been trying to hand on chest and ssshing to soothe but it really doesn't work. What should I do instead of that or picking up?

At the moment she has three naps. The last one has turned to an evening/bedtime nap then another feed about 9pm then she sleeps through until 3amish then it all goes wrong. I've tried a feed at that time (bottle) and she isn't really interested.

@FATEdestiny

What should I do instead of that or picking up?

Gentle (no crying or minimal crying) methods would be:

(1) Cosleep and feed/cuddle to sleep
(3) Dummy

If you're wanting baby to sleep independently and not wanting to deal with baby crying, why on earth stop using the dummy? It's the only way to achieve independant sleep without any crying.

Without a dummy, baby will cry. There is not much more to it than that. Feed to sleep and cosleep? Or find ways to cope with baby crying.

None of mine had a dummy and they slept fine!

@FiloFaxx I'm so glad you've found something that worked 😁😁

@FiloFaxx I can totally relate to your post, my DS is almost 6 months and since birth seep has been terrible. He's waking every hour or less all night, sometimes we get a stretch of sleep from 7-midnight then it's hourly. He uses a dummy and I don't think that helps because when it falls out he wakes. So I'm trying to stop using it for naps and night. How long did it take for your little one to get used to sleeping without it? My son settles absolutely fine for bed at 7, I can put him in his cot awake and within minutes he's asleep with no input from me. But he's not the same for naps or night waking! I've been reading your post and I'm so pleased you've found something that's helped :)

@JustPootlingAlong what comforters do you use? And what age did you introduce them? My son is nearly 6 months. He likes to hold a muslin cloth when feeding! I'm trying to ditch the dummy for sleeps so wondering if a comforter would help..

@Laur89 I have comforters from primark and home bargains because they are cheap (when you need to buy 7 of them, it isn't worth spending £10 on each one!) but still feel nice. I had to have one for every day of the week as my DD likes to chew on them and they stink after 24 hours so at least I don't have to worry about washing them in between naps.
She finds it really comforting and has it with her everyday, not just for napping but car journeys, in the pram etc. It really came in handy when she started with the childminder as she had her little comforter with her to make her feel safe.

Sorry, realised I hadn't answered all of your questions. She probably had it from 5-6 months. I worked on the premise that as long as she could pull it off her face, then she should be fine sleeping with it.

Thank you for replying @JustPootlingAlong , that does look like a really nice soft comforter! Did she ever have a dummy? Recently when I've taken away the dummy my DS likes to chew on the muslin cloth or suck the label 🤣🤣 x

@Laur89 she did have a dummy for about 2 months when she was tiny but she suddenly stopped taking it one day, along with refusing to take a bottle too.
A comforter is so much easier than a dummy too as I found I was forever being woken up to find it and post it back into her mouth where as she does it herself with the comforter.
It took her a week or so to really warm to having a comforter but now it's the first thing she reaches for in her cot.

Hey OP!

I'm glad you found a good way of settling your LO!

What worked for me was not picking mine up, which I thought I would never ever be able to do, but it works a treat now. If he is really upset, I just go up and reach over the cot to give him a cuddle whilst he is laying down. I basically just put my arms and head over his torso with a light pressure, so he is still comforted but doesn't get picked up. He actually giggled when I first tried this, he found it hilarious even though he had been screaming his head off 5 seconds before. He then settles within a minute or two.

I found that sleep improved a lot between 7/8 months naturally (for my one anyway).

Also the above advice was given to me by @FATEdestiny on a separate thread I had about my baby waking every 30 min after bedtime, where I was tearing my hair out. It has transformed his sleep and I cannot thank her enough

Good luck!

So pleased a song seemed to work 😊

They key for my Lo is repetition, repetition, repetition! Now when I sing his bedtime song he sort of trances out and put his head on my shoulder and yawns. Long May it continue

@FATEdestiny, I don't understand why you feel that way about dummies so here's how I feel.

I just put my son in the crib then the cot. I've never had a problem with allowing a baby to self settle or to cry for a short time. I always put my son down and left him for up to 10 minutes to settle down. If there was nothing wrong he would fall asleep within that time, nothing else was ever needed. I did that for sleeps in the day and at night. Yes he sometimes cried for a few minutes but I've never been one for not being able to let a baby cry for a few minutes. There's no need to rush straight there the second they cry IMO. I don't think cry it out or controlled crying is wrong at all, and certainly not child abuse as has been suggested on here in the past. My son has self settled from birth and slept through from 3 months. However I would NEVER EVER have left him crying for longer than 10 minutes. After that time if he hadn't settled I'd go back in and see what was wrong.

He never had or needed any sort of comforter or music or lights. And I don’t like giving them things like that, it’s all more for them to rely on and for parents or carers to have to take away later. Why bother unless it’s absolutely necessary?

As for the dummy comment, I hate them, I think they should be banned. I never had one as a baby, none of my mums children did. I swore that no baby of mine would ever have an ugly unnecessary piece of plastic shoved in his or her mouth, and I meant it. My son never ever had one and he slept brilliantly. No baby of mine ever would. They're simply not necessary I don't think. A baby will not miss what it's never had. And it's more to worry about. My son did suck his thumb for a short time, but he stopped completely on his own when he was around a year old, and has never done it since, no problems with teeth. To me they are an excuse for lazy parenting, baby is crying? Shove a dummy in its mouth and hope it shuts up! I hate them. If I could I'd make them illegal. Way too much reliance on them and parents are way too quick to turn to them when you don't need them at all. Deal with your baby properly.

[quote happymummy12345]@FATEdestiny, I don't understand why you feel that way about dummies so here's how I feel.

I just put my son in the crib then the cot. I've never had a problem with allowing a baby to self settle or to cry for a short time. I always put my son down and left him for up to 10 minutes to settle down. If there was nothing wrong he would fall asleep within that time, nothing else was ever needed. I did that for sleeps in the day and at night. Yes he sometimes cried for a few minutes but I've never been one for not being able to let a baby cry for a few minutes. There's no need to rush straight there the second they cry IMO. I don't think cry it out or controlled crying is wrong at all, and certainly not child abuse as has been suggested on here in the past. My son has self settled from birth and slept through from 3 months. However I would NEVER EVER have left him crying for longer than 10 minutes. After that time if he hadn't settled I'd go back in and see what was wrong.

He never had or needed any sort of comforter or music or lights. And I don’t like giving them things like that, it’s all more for them to rely on and for parents or carers to have to take away later. Why bother unless it’s absolutely necessary?

As for the dummy comment, I hate them, I think they should be banned. I never had one as a baby, none of my mums children did. I swore that no baby of mine would ever have an ugly unnecessary piece of plastic shoved in his or her mouth, and I meant it. My son never ever had one and he slept brilliantly. No baby of mine ever would. They're simply not necessary I don't think. A baby will not miss what it's never had. And it's more to worry about. My son did suck his thumb for a short time, but he stopped completely on his own when he was around a year old, and has never done it since, no problems with teeth. To me they are an excuse for lazy parenting, baby is crying? Shove a dummy in its mouth and hope it shuts up! I hate them. If I could I'd make them illegal. Way too much reliance on them and parents are way too quick to turn to them when you don't need them at all. Deal with your baby properly.[/quote]
Thats a very strong opinion you have about how other people parent! For me, dealing with my baby who has a milk allergy and reflux, the dummy is a useful tool for her to suck and soothe the acid reflux that comes up and burns her throat. Perhaps you were lucky enough to not have a baby who went through this but there is absolutely no need to suggest that parents who use a dummy are not dealing with them properly. This is a forum for helpful advice and support, if you have none to give (you did not address the op or her problem here at all) kindly keep your opinion to yourself.

@liquoricecravings and @Laur89 without sounding rude it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this

We used white noise from the start but it doesn't work as well as what it did for DD1! Getting her down for bedtime is getting harder now but I think it's because it is lighter nights. I think I'll get a black out blind.

@Laur89 in honesty it only took a couple of days for her to get used to it, if that. Naps were amazing but I think with trying to get her to sleep longer in the night that's where we struggled to get the best thing to help comfort/self soothe during the night. She now leg thrashes and rubs a comforter on her face for that. If it doesn't work then it's cuddles and a song.

@meltybuttons I'll need to give that a go. Your DS sounds so cute. Do you use a dummy?

How are things @FiloFaxx?

Thanks for asking @Laur89 Sadly it's not been great this last week. She is getting her top two teeth in though so I think this is a major part in it. I've been letting her sleep in my arms for most of the night to get her through.

@FATEdestiny I know you weren't keen on commenting again but I really could do with some advice. Am I best introducing dummy again or will it confuse her? She doesn't need it for her naps it's just through the night I'm really struggling to get her to sleep in her crib. Maybe it is because it's not the cot now mind you (re my other thread). I'm so tired I'm so confused 😕

Oh dear @FiloFaxx I'm sorry it's been difficult 😣 we've been having some bad nights too. But the last couple of days we've focused a lot on a day routine to get more day sleep to try and avoid night wakings as suggested by @FATEdestiny.
We have also given his dummy back at night and last night was the best we've had yet - slept solidly 7pm-1am with no dummy, 1am put dummy in and he slept until 3, quick feed then back down and he stirred a bit around 4 or 5 I think I can't really remember then up for the day at 6.45! So by no means was it sleeping through, but so much better than it has been. I actually think the dummy back was a massive help. He's just cut his bottom 2 teeth also so I think that's not helping but maybe the dummy has helped ease it a bit. Could all just be a fluke but it's a small glimmer of hope 🤣🤣

@stormwhale I sleep trained my daughter at 9 months and if she needs me, she - absolutely cries. The difference is she has learned to distinguish between actually needing me, and just having woken up because she is now able to self-settle perfectly fine.

She’s slept through pretty ever since apart from episodes of illness or teething - she wakes up happy and rested and we wake up happy and rested.

I complete respect your right to go your own route and have a child still not sleeping through at two, but the suggestion that what normally ends up being just a few days of sleep training is “barbaric” is ridiculous.

Oh, and she never had a dummy..! 🙄 This website sometimes...

I have this thread hidden, but tagging me on a hidden thread evidentally still gives me a notification. But this thread won't show in my "threads in on" or show in the list on the Sleep Board as i work my way down the threads. So if you want my attention @FiloFaxx it might be best starting a new thread.

@Laur89 We have also given his dummy back at night and last night was the best we've had yet. That is absolutely fantastic news!

@FiloFaxx Am I best introducing dummy again. Put simply, yes.

Dummies are the single best no-crying, way to achieve independant sleep. Any other option will either

• Involve crying to get to independant sleep.
• Be parent dependant, but without (so much) crying.

Dummies are AMAZING.

@Laur89 how was your night last night and how was naps without the dummy? If I do a dummy for night time I'm hoping to keep it for night only and no naps. Scared to give it back 😬

Hey @FiloFaxx so we've been giving the dummy at naps and they've definitely improved id say. Last night was amazing it was the night he's not had a night feed! He went 11 hours! He stirred at times and I just popped his dummy in and he settled himself. I'm pleased I listened to @FATEdestiny about dunmys and also about wake windows/getting more day sleep as I think there's a small chance things are improving- although I'm aware it's only been 1 or 2 good nights and it can all go tits up tonight 🤣 how are things with you?