4 year old pretend nightmares waking every night - solutions please!?

[Tiredmummy2019]

HI My 4 year old has slept brilliantly since 4.5months but every since the conclusion of preschool and preparing for primary school, the nightmares began. At first I would simply walk her back to bed quick cuddle then leave very boring very quiet, then the wakings became more frequent and after the first wakeup I would gradually get more and more annoyed and yes would end up acing cross even shouting...the problem is she falls back to sleep no problem but I don't and it sets us up for a really bad day of me being tired grumpy and taking it out on her. We then noticed she was creating pretend nightmares and she even admitted it was just so she could get a cuddle - well that one threw me! How do you handle that? We've tried taking away daytime privileges, controlled crying after telling her to go back to bed and more reecently I get so worked up by the third wakeup I just start shouting. I know it's all bad for sleep anxiety but Im only human and her nightly wakings are having an impact on my being a good Mother during the day time. Now we hardly ever play energetic games like tig/hide and seek and sporadically manage a game of footie when I'm feeling a bit more myself but I've tried reasoning with her, explaining all this but naturally at 4 she doesnt understand. I even followed another parents suggestion of waiting til she's back asleep then wake her up, get her to sit quietly on sofa while I read a book, no tv, no talking no attention and after 20mins of discussing things with tears streaming down my face sent her back to bed but it only worked for a day or so...theres plenty more stories but I think Ive said enough already...the thing is when I return to bed myself I have real issues getting back to sleep - fast heartbeat, hunger, frustration anger all builds up and I either end up crying to sleep or getting up for the day (which is worse of course) - please help - turning old before my time and we only have one child - I really need my sleep back!

Why can't she crawl in with you in your bed? Did I miss that?

Come on OP, if she slept in your bed there is no reason to think she would wake anyone up! You do sound like you have sleep issues and you are creating some new ones for your DD. Well rested mummy and totally freaked out child only mean happy mummy during the day, not happy child.

Reading your posts you seem to have higher expectations of your daughter in coping with this situation than you do of yourself. You are an adult and you can control your emotions and you can cope with a bit of tiredness. Feeling overwhelmed by this does not make you a bad person, but not being willing to find a better coping mechanism doesn’t reflect well on you.

The added bonus of working on your own reaction to lack of sleep is likely to be a lowering of your daughters stress levels and better sleep for her.

Spot on "maidenover*!

Read 'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read'. I suspect your disproportionate reaction to her waking stems from your own childhood and it's worth trying to pick apart why it's making you so angry and annoyed. Is it because when you were a child, behaving like this would have got you shouted at?

FWIW I went through a phase like this when I was much older, about 10. It was more separation anxiety I think. I slept in my mum's bed for a few weeks until it passed. I'm now 33 and manage to sleep alone just fine She's so little. Go sleep elsewhere and get your DP to share a bed with her until this phase passes.

I wouldn't suddenly start co sleeping with a 4 year old at all. Short term it may work but then you will back trying to get her to sleep on her own in her room a few moths down the line.

I would do this, spend time talking to her about her fears and why she wakes see if their is an underlying problem. Maybe try something like worry dolls or take her and choose a superhero build a bear that fights away monsters and that can be her future comfort. I would then get you're DH to walk her back to bed each night. Night darling back to sleep, hugs the first time then after that just night night and return.

I also think some of this issue is your problem and not actually hers. You struggle to go back to sleep but you have said she doesn't. Your frustrated at not being able to fall back to sleep your daughter probably feels the same. Good luck hopefully you can resolve it soon.

Please don't wish this time away. Your child needs you, for whatever reason, and you need to be there. I have an illness that means without a proper sleep I can't function properly so I absolutely understand the debilitating tiredness, however you can't make your child sleep so you can. My son is 14 and had a period of 3 months where he just couldn't sleep, I was awake with him for 3/4 hours a night and everything, including my health, suffered but he needed me. Soon he won't.
Your post about waking her up to punish her made me sad, this is such a bad idea.

Interesting points made by all thank you, I realise this post appears very selfish and one sided and I do realise she's little and its a phase but it's hard to correct. I am willing to find a better coping mechanism and my OH seeing to her is a start, how I make myself get better sleep will then be totally on me not on my DD. I can't really go anywhere else except the garage lol which I dont think would work.

Yes I did have issues as a child I think but also I have a family history of sleepwalking and sleeptalking and I have also had issues where when I sleepwalk I am half awake and get very cranky if anyone disagrees with me (OH has learnt to just say yes when Im in that state) so maybe my sleep issues are rooted from that... who knows...I just know that when Im tired Im a terrible mummy e.g. just want to watch tv, dont want to play with her, not energetic for physical games, shout at the first talk back, cant keep consistency with the rules (i.e. choice of snack item) because I cant be bothered and generally miserable with her, surely thats not good either?

Get yourself some earplugs for when dh is dealing with her. Download Headspace on your phone and use that to go back to sleep .

Hi good idea but my OH is a much deeper sleper and will need me to stir him if she starts up as he will take longer to wake, if at all! He can sleep through earthquakes! He's going to have the monitor his side of the bed and once Ive stirred him he will leave the room not me, so that would be when I could play soothing music etc to relax me back to sleep.

The crazy thing is she has made some massive leaps in the daytime physically, going from a casual scooterer to now mastering pedaling on both tricycle and bike with stabilizers (had pedals and stabilizers off for balance bike practise first and once she'd mastered that and we could see she cud pedal on tricycle we put them back on) and using her electric scooter that makes her go faster with push of a button and rollerskating with no hands...all in the past week! I get really into these achievements and praise her...just wish I had more energy to enjoy it with her more! Perhaps the wakeups are developmental also?

She's also taken to enjoying a rowdy Mummy Daddy game of indoor kick ball half an hour before bed...not ideal but she absolutely loves it, is really good at it and we believe it helping her blow off some steam maybe even handling sum anxieties?

Anyways, weve done drawings of the nightmares, talked about them, talked about school and getting a dreamcatcher in her room and OH talking over from tonight so fx we all see an improvement although I realise it will take a while for the thrill of seeing daddy at nighttimes to wear off...!!

Physical activity is great, it'll help her sleep better and it's good for mental health too. I can't wait until my DS is old enough to toddle around and splash in puddles and then ride a bike and stuff.

Hi yes I thought so to, especially the way the she kicks a ball with a look on her face like its not a ball shes kicking : 0

The determination for pedaling, scootering, rollerskating has come out of nowhere as we dont push her into learning new things just give her the opportunity but she seems to have took it upon herself as a mission to see how much she can learn...it just doesnt make any difference to her sleep

Hopefully now you've taken stock and understood that you may be projecting some of your issues onto her, and have identified ways to hopefully work around this, things may improve. It probably won't happen overnight (excuse the pun), just remember she's little and her vulnerabilities and worries will be bigger and scarier at night - just like they are for most adults!

I second the idea of a blow up mattress on the floor next to your bed.

DS2 was a terrible sleeper, would wake up every night wanting to come into our bed. We talked to him about the blow up bed and that he could come and sleep right next to me but had to be quiet and not wake us up. He was ok with this.
He started sleeping through more and more and now we don't even bother putting the bed down.
So it can work.

I think I'd send her to dp if possible for a night. See how she is somewhere else and get a good nights sleep yourself.
Set a plan, pick and choose from what pp have said.
Mattress on your floor but she can't wake you.
Star chart, star if she just comes in your room, two if she stays in her room.
Tell her it's ok if she wakes up and what she can do.
Tell her what the plan is, stick to it and make a massive fuss of any improvement.

Hi all yes I have taken stock and have already taken a dreamcatcher and between us we have personalised it with her favourite beads and feathers and her name so she's happy with that and understands what its for. Mattress on the floor wouldnt work, I would wake with her simply opening the door so wouldnt solve the issue and she certainly wouldnt stay quiet! I cant send her anywehere, thats another issue that always comes to the fore when upset about sleep issues is we have one set of GPs in their 80s and another set live in France so no support for another house to sleep at unfortunately!

We'll see how it goes and yes it wont be solved overnight lol.

I do feel more positive about it and have the dreamspace app on my phone and will get the headphones accessible..

Thanks again to everyone for listening and, on the most part, not judging me for it. It is hard to find someone/where that you can be completely honest about your thoughts and actions and read about similar stories...fx it works...

We set up a bed in our ds’s room so when he woke, we slept in with him. Every single time - and as a result, he’s now a brilliant sleeper aged 9 and I can’t remember the last time he had a bad dream.

Our youngest is going through a similar phase and I’m not handling it anywhere near as well for some reason and as a result she’s very tired and cranky.

So I’ve decided to make a change and she will just be put to bed in her room and set up a mattress for me and settle her in there.

As an aside, regarding getting back to sleep yourself, the more annoyed you are, the less likely it is to happen. I've had major sleep issues in the past and have never slept a full night without waking at least once. I find not looking at the clock is invaluable. If I wake up and see it's 4:30 and I know I need to be up (or these days baby will be up!) at 6:30, I just don't go back to sleep. It takes so long, there's no point etc. Removing the time element removes a lot of insomnia stress for me

Dr Sears advice is that the best sleeping arrangement is the one that gives everyone the best night of sleep. My dd too went from sleeping all night to coming downstairs for hours each evening with a million excuses. She asks one of us to sleep with her some nights and she pops off up to our bed/ the spare room and one of us joins her. It gave us our evenings back. The rule we have is that we will come up when she is asleep and as soon as it had happened a few times, she was able to trust us and can relax enough to go to sleep alone.

I think that the key might be you being able to go back to sleep more easily. I listen to spoken word podcasts through a speaker pillow. I find that someone else talking replaces my own thoughts and I quickly drop off. If you were waking for just 15 minutes in the night you might be somewhat annoyed but not at the same level. It is also worth noting the time she wakes and making sure there isn't something waking her up at the same time each night. A misplaced watch with an alarm, pipes, street light turning off etc.

Ref the kick about before bed - is she going to bed with her adrenaline still raised? I remember being told not to exercise within two hours of bedtime, but that's as an adult. Maybe bring it earlier in the evening?

Is she getting enough sleep? How many hours is she managing?

Sorry just saw your post about her becoming more physically able. As we learn lots and become more active or grow it does affect our sleep too.

Ah bless her and you. Lack of sleep is a nightmare if it's your nemesis. However, as others have said, she's so little and she needs you. School is a massive change to face. She has no concept of what it means or what it is an adult would feel anxious in a situation where they had to go but had no idea what it was.

As others have said you just need to comfort her and do what she needs. Creating a cutch is absolute bollocks. Once she has passed this phase it will go back to normal. I've just had a new baby which is obviously massive for my daughter, she woke loads, wanted to sleep in with me etc. I did whatever made her feel wanted and loved and happy. It lasted about 2 weeks and the. She went back to normal. Not meeting her needs or feel connected to you while she feels so frightened will make it last longer.

Good luck!

Hi all well we swapped and hubby has taken care of night times for 4 n8ghts and had one gud night 3 bad (woken 3 times each night!). I saw stumbling, quick cuddles abd only once dud he raise his voice but stern not shouty. I was woken but fell back asleep quicker And he fell asleep within 10mins. Last night I took over (he was working early next day) and she didn't wake me up! It does seem that she's still waking whether me or hubby but this way she is less stressed n so am I. Thanks again everyone for your suggestions.

Fantastic. So pleased.