co-sleeping question

[gingerninja]

just spent 2 days in hospital with DD (8 months). I told the nurses that we usually co-sleep and they got us a bed, no problem. Next morning I got a lecture from the male staff nurse who told me I shouldn't do it, could suffocate her, will have her in my bed forever, a couple of nights of crying is worth it and that when his wife was feeding three times a night he took a stand, stopped her doing it just offered water and they slept through after 3 days. Now I was very vulnerable due to DD being ill and felt really silly (he made me feel like a school girl) and was considering trying harder to get her into her cot. I want to but on my terms not his. I actually stopped feeding her in the night about a month ago and it's made no difference to her waking but she drops back quickly if she cuddles my arm.

Anyway, just wanted to hear oppinions as to whether I am 'making a rod for my own back' or if anyone knows what the kind of statistics are for suffocating an infant when co-sleeping. I told him that millions of people co-sleep and for lots of cultures it's the only form of sleep and he retorted that they have higher instances of SIDS because of it.

i honestly think you should complain. what he said is his opinion and he should have kept that opinion to himself. what cares what him and his wife did? it seems he was only thinking of his own self and that he wanted to get more sleep.

"took a stand, stopped her doing it"

"just offered water"

what a tosser

btw i think its dangerour to co sleep if you have been drinking alcohol or taking drugs, or sleeping tablets, otherwise fine

i co-slept and ther is no rod

Thanks nailpolish. He did make me and all at the same time. He also said "good contraception tho" to which i replied "no, we're just more imaginative" that shut him up

ha ha ha

good for you

what an arse

we co-sleep (and like you, have to be imaginative ) and it makes life so much easier all round (if i started to list the reasons i'd be here all day!)

we will get him into his own bed when we're ready, which is exactly what you should do. don't doubt yourself. you know what's best for your child

He has his facts wrong about the SIDS (and everything else) - countries where co-sleeping is the norm have much lower incidences. In many countries there isn't even a word for it.

He sounds like an arse and I don't see why you should have been made to listen to his personal and inappropriate advice. It was nothing to do with his being a nurse. I would consider complaining.

can't do it now gingerninja but i have some great resources for you to read which will put that kind of 'advice' into prespective for you.

and when you complain, you can give the hospital copies of the links i will be providing.

We don't co-sleep because I was worried about dh rolling over on ds (dh probably drinks half a bottle of wine most evenings and sleeps heavily) and because I was worried about ds being resistant to being moved out (because my 9 year old dsd is still co-sleeping with her mum so it's a sensitive subject. In the absence of specific reasons not to, I think you should co-sleep if that's what you want to do. It is certainly not HIS place to lecture you on YOUR parenting choices! Although a bit of an over-reaction, I would probably complain to the sister in charge of the ward, if I were you!

I would not be happy with that nurse. He could point out that co sleeping is dangerous if you do it after drinking, taking mediciation or under influence of drugs. But other than that it is none of his busienss and co-sleeping is not dangerous or making a rod for your own back.

Where is his evidence for higher incidences of SIDS in countries where co-sleeping is the norm?

I (and DH) co-slept with DD no problem. It was lovely and had no bnegative impact on the way we lived, or indeed on DH and my relationship.

He sounds like an interfering arse - I'd complain - wrong on soooo many counts - as I;m sure kiskidee is about to rpove

Oh, and on the rod for own back point - a case study for you

ds - never co-slept, finally slept through at about 18mths, still wakesregularly at 3yo

dd - coslept, but stated pff in her own cot- started sleeping through (in own cot) aprox 1 year - still comes in with us about 50% of nights. We did nothing to encourage her to sleep in her own bed (in fact, I miss it when she wakes up away from me )

There's a very good book called something like 'three in a bed - a guide to co-sleeping'. It's full of the positive reasons for co-sleeping (subject to the obvious drink drugs etc caveats). I have a little read of it everytime I start to feel like I'm doing something wrong and end up feeling like I'm being top mummy for doing it! (I can't find it at the moment for the proper title though). It's funny, I saw five pals last night all of whom I thought didn't co-sleep. It turns out four of them do after all ! We'll worry about stopping it on our terms and when it'll suit us!

I'm new to mumsnet and so glad to read all your messages. We have a 17 mth old and he regularly joins us in our bed most nights. My husband and I both work full time and I really don't have the energy right now to be up for 2 or 3 hours each night trying to force him to sleep in his own cot. He sleeps soundly with us, my husband and I get to sleep and we are all much happier and healthier I believe because of it! But I am really struggling with all the 'advice' we are getting telling us that we are making a rod for our own backs, that we'll never get him to sleep on his own and that we are 'taking the easy option!' Sometimes I just feel so terrible about whether what I'm doing is right or wrong! How do you know??

Think the thing is to do what is right for you and ignore everyone else! There isn't an absolute right or wrong in these things. It's what suits your family...

Hi Jill77 you know what you are doing is right because your DS sleeps soundly with you whereas you have to be up for hours making him sleep in a cot by himself. If you weren't happy with him in the bed it would be time to think about strategies for moving him, but really it isn't anyone else's business and you don't have to justify it.

My policy on this has become - talk about co-sleeping with sympathetic parties, but if someone is negative just smile and nod and don't tell them DS sleeps with me 90% of the time.

Jill77 you know it's right because you all sleep well and are happier for it.

When the time is right you'll know you are ready to put him in his own bed. And there are countless threads on here with people saying their lo went into their own bed, at the right time, with no trouble at all.

Just trust your instincts. And if anyone disapproves just don't tell them anymore! It's nobody elses business anyway!

Your policy sounds like a great idea! I think I'm going to try it rather than getting myself in a complete knot by taking notice of everyone that tells me I'm doing it wrong!

Thanks for the messages I already feel more positive.

Thanks all very much, your advice rocks and I feel happier that I'm not doing the wrong thing. Both myself and DH are happy about the situation at the mo so I'll plod on doing it my way. Thanks for the support.

good one discussing why co-sleeping is safe.

here is one article by a highly respected sleep researcher explaining the faults behind the edict that cot sleeping is the safest place for a baby.

this one is very long but very encompassing on infant sleep.

another good one from a parent's point of view.

ooops i forgot to link it

Thanks kiskedee and mif I'll read up and make myelf feel better.

and at that nurse!

"By nailpolish on Thu 17-May-07 10:02:35
i honestly think you should complain. what he said is his opinion and he should have kept that opinion to himself. what cares what him and his wife did? it seems he was only thinking of his own self and that he wanted to get more sleep.

"took a stand, stopped her doing it"

"just offered water"

what a tosser"

YES YES YES - completely agree.

If your dd was ill I think co-sleeping would be the best thing for her! You are doing the right thing for your family and you know it - good on you