"am I going to die Mummy....?"

[batey]

Lately, dd1, 5 1/2, has started asking questions about death. I've put this under sleep because this is mainly when it crops up, either the last chat before lights out or if she wakes in the night. She says things like "if I'm a really really old grandma, will I die" or Will everyone die" etc. Not sure how to deal with it, I don't want to lie to her but don't want to scare her just before bed. Tonight I said we all die sooner or later but we'll always be together, alive or dead, 'cos we love each other SO much that we'll always be together. That seemed to help a little. Anyone else got experience/advice?? I could really do with some.........TIA.

My dh is always very, very honest with his daughter. When at a similar age she asked if he would die he said yes, but in a very, very long time when she was quite an old lady, so she thought and then said, 'So will I die too?" and he said yes, she got very, very cross 'I don't want to die. I won't'. so that was OK! I think any real understanding of death comes later. I strongly suspect that a real fear of death is a way of expressing other anxieties, as others have suggested.

janinlodon--I don't think you mishandled the situation at all, though I admit I'm no 'expert.' I think that's what she needed to hear to be reassured at her age. You both can revisit this conversation in a couple of years when she's more psychologically ready.

My ds seems to have picked up the idea of dying from stories (ie Cinderella, whose biological mother died; or Snow White, whom the Dwarfs thought was dead) & yet he's never asked me about it. He seems rather unfazed, or at least uncurious about death at this stage. And that's fine with me. It's not a conversation I look forward to.

I've been thinking about this thread because ds recently asked about death, having been previously uncurious (or apparently so). He was not happy to hear that he, too, would have to dieand was not reassured to hear that it most likely wouldn't be for a very long time, when he's so old his "body won't work properly anyway" I explained. He replied that someone will fix his body, so he won't have to die. When i said it doesn't work like that, he got rather upset, so I relented and said, "Maybe by the time you're very old, doctors WILL know how to fix an old body. . ." to which he replied, "And then I won't have to die!" So I left it therea similar dodge to janinlondon's.

I'm curious to know how your dd's have been since your last posts on this, Batey & Enid. Less anxious, I hope.

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My dd1 is still aware of the dying thing, but now dosn't worry so much about herself dying but more related things. Like the other night 20mins or so after "lights out" she was crying because she wouldn't see her special teddies anymore when she's dead.I did reassure her that she could be with her teddies for as long as she wants (as it's something she'll grow out of). She was also worried recently as we hadn't posted something she'd made to her Grandma straight away,she was worried she wouldn't get it before she dies.So we sent it that day. It is a hard one, more for grown ups I think sometimes. As kids can be very matter of fact about it. For my dd1, if she seems to be getting anxious I try to reassure her that we'll always all be together in our hearts and she seems to understand that. Having said that our dear old cat is becoming an old lady and dreading having to explain that. HTH.

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Spooky that this thread should crop up again... Yesterday evening, DS1 (4.5) told me that he didn't want any more birthdays. When I asked him why, he told me it was because he didn't want to be a grown up (which I thought was quite cute). However, he went on to say he didn't want to be a grown up because grownups die. I have no idea where he's got this from although he claims I told him this - I certainly don't remember a conversation like that so I can only assume he's misunderstood something. I think I reassured him by pointing out that his great grandmother is 95 and asking him how many birthdays he'll have to go through until he gets to that age. I'm now hoping he'll forget about it until he's older.

DS1 asked me in a cheery voice last night when his (8 day old) baby brother was going to die.

He doesn't seem at all worried, and has asked when it's going to be his turn, my turn etc. We just stick to a matter of fact cheery answer and luckily it's never got past the interested into the scaed, that must be harder to be cheery about.

Monkey--LOL re. baby brother. More sophisticated than other comments I've heard from older siblings like "Let's put [newborn sibling] in the rubbish!" or "When can we put the baby back IN your tummy?"

Interesting to hear how the rest of you are handling this.

Expatkat, the dying dilemma I botched up in the summer has paled into insignificance against the latest one. "Mummy I have to tell you something, and it isn't good. I really miss my other family." Ehh???????? "My other family. They went away. I think they died. It was before you were born. That's why I was swapped over into your tummy to be with you." She's told me the story at least six times. Each time with a bit more detail. I don't react at all, but I have to tell you: Now she's giving me the heebie jeebies!!!

How spooky Jan.

My DS is 19 months and therefore a bit too young to be asking about this sort of thing. On a very related subject though, how much information did you all give your children and at what sort of age?

The reason I ask is that really tragically one of the 11 month old children at his nursery died suddenly last week of meningitis (a non-contagious form). The child was part-time and I don't think DS was particularly attached to him but I did talk to DS about it. I told him that x had been very poorly and had died so he wouldn't be at nursery any more as he had gone to another world. I told him that people would be very sad and that he might well miss x but to remember nice things about x.

Obviously DS just looked at me and carried on with what he was doing. Am I telling him too much? I know children this age take in lots and I am always quite open with him but should I be less open with him? I don't want to store up lots of frightening images for him at an age where he is too young to respond and put his fears to me.

Jan--Really, REALLY spooky. Reminds me of a story of a child whose parents found her talking to her newborn brother. The parents asked her what she was saying to him, and she responded, "I'm asking him what God is like because I've forgotten."

Freddicat, I don't know what the answer is there. I know I, personally, would have not have brought it up, thinking it too complicated for most 19-month-olds. Complicated, but not harmful IMO. I think what you said most likely went over his head & that's that. 3.5 and up seems to be the most common age when kids start asking (from my observation).

Thanks kat. I think I need to reign in what I talk to DS about sometimes. Clearly don't discuss anything too adult for him (such as whether a single mate got a shag on her first date or not - although I might tell him I am going to phone Aunty x and see if she had a nice evening out). However I have talked to him all about the baby in my tummy and shown him a picture in Pregnancy and Birth of a foetus. I just seems natural to talk to him about things which do affect him.

IMO you did the best thing. It's hard to tell sometimes how much kids are taking in and how much they pick up of whats going on around them.

My FIL died when DS1 was almost 3 and DS2 was 8 mths, I explained about him being old (65 not that old!) and very ill (lung cancer) but I didn't really think it meant much to them, but as DS1 got older (FIL died 30/12/00) he started asking questions that made me realise he had taken a lot of it in.