there's been an AIBU thread already hasn't there? About how gratuitously nasty it can get?

[flightattendant19]

I keep seeing disclaimers on AIBU threads, saying 'Oh but of course I can say that and be really horrible to the OP because this is in AIBU'.

I think it's being taken as the point of the board - to vent your own frustrations even if they are nothing to do with the thread...just a place to go and be mean to someone if you have had a bad day or don't like people with 'mummy' in their posting name, or who wear white socks, or so on.

I really hate it and wish it wasn't there. Surely it's supposed to be for those who really can't figure out a situation, or in order to have a wee joke sometimes, a silly vent about something daft, I dunno...not a place to kick each other around.

I think I'm not calling for greater moderation, but perhaps the disclaimer on there was misjudged - it seems to have done more damage than good iyswim.

That's what we're saying. The disclaimer is interpreted by some posters as a free pass to be downright rude and abusive. Obviously we can alert MN when this happens but to get a thread or post removed is not instantaneous. If the disclaimer at the top is removed and the OP gets a pop-up (saying the sae thing) when the thread is started it may stop the nastiness.

I agree it has got a LOT, ahem, "feistier" in recent months.

It used to be a place for stimulating to-and-fro. Now it's often a real slanging match, which isn't always justified by the OP but somehow people feel that the fact it's in AIBU is an entitlement to let rip.

I also think it's escalated since the disclaimer - I'm not sure if it's precisely because of the disclaimer but I think it probably does have an effect.

Georgi - I'm not saying people NEED a pop-up, just that if you are going to have a warning it might be better to direct it to the OP rather than to the board as a whole.

'saying the same thing' obviously

it does seem that people are of teh opinion that its perfectly ok to not give a toss about how rude they are being just because it was posted in ABIU.

nor does it seem that anyone ever actually reads any subsequent posts from the Op. often they come back and "yeah ok, i was BU" just for people to continue being a bit vile

I just think we're all grown ups and capable of looking after ourselves. If people don't read the board and see the general tone, they might get a shock, but more fool them, I say.

Still don't understand why you don't just hide the topic, rather than trying to change it for those who are perfectly happy. I hid relationships because the temptation to go on it and say "for fuck's sake, leave him - how many threads does it take!" or "not you again!" was becoming overwhelming (I never actually did either of those things I mnight add).

but georgimama - YOU might be perfectly happy, but the person on the end of a completely unjustified trouncing may not be.

I think as a board we have a responsibility to foster positive interaction where possible. Not everyone is as robust as you seem to be.

I am as guilty as anyone of enjoying a good online fisticuffs - but there are threads where the OP is getting genuinely distressed and people are not noticing - or not caring which is worse. Shouldn't that be discouraged?

Look this isn't hard.

You don't like AIBU. Hide it.

I don't think you have the right to police the whole topic tbh.

If some delicate little flower gets upset, they are perfectly capable of saying so/reporting posts/asking for the thread to be pulled. But you do have to ask why they still post in AIBU in that case, despite the warning which is already in place, and the general tone of the topic.

I've just had a quick shifty of the most recent 10 threads in AIBU and I have to say, they're pretty tame.

Wow - thanks for spelling it out for me Georgimama - I really appreciate your nuanced explanation of how MN works.

Actually I really ENJOY AIBU and feel no need to hide it. But I do sympathise with flight's POV that the disclaimer has had an effect on posters.

And personally I think the level of vitriol sometimes displayed (not always, but sometimes) detracts from the interesting arguments rather than adds to them.

No-one has suggested it should be policed. They are simply wondering aloud whether the disclaimer encourages people to be MORE aggressive than they would otherwise be.

TheYoungvisiter (I love your name ) I think you and I are being quite clear but some people are just not listening, so maybe we ought to give up!

all of mn can be mean

We think you might have a point here about the disclaimer making it seem Ok for folks to be more robust in their response than they would otherwise. Should we kick it into touch - what do others think?

(NB we will always delete personal attacks if reported - even in AIBU - so do report them)

I hadn't even thought about it before, but I do assume that AIBU is the rough'n'tumble room on MN, so I don't come if I'm feeling fragile.

I'm not sure if the disclaimer is much to do with that in all honesty.

Actually, now I'm laughing about the notion that I might ever 'feel fragile', like a delicate bllom.

I'm not sure - perhaps altering the disclaimer so that people are reminded that MN rules of engagement do still appply? Or is that there already (see how much I pay attention...)

You could rephrase it to something like

"This is the Am I Being Unreasonable Section. Don't start a thread here unless you are prepared to be told, perhaps quite directly, that you are being unreasonable."

Or "This is the Am I Being Unreasonable Section. Don't start a thread here unless you are prepared to be told, perhaps quite directly, that you are being unreasonable. Responding to a thread? Personal attacks or nastiness are not acceptable just because this is in the AIBU section."

Ijust hide it -much better for the blood pressure!

I agree that AIBU does not always bring out the best in people.

Think I would word the disclaimer differently - OPs warned that the nature of the topic does invite people to disagree with their views and posters warned that this does not mean that the usual MN policy of no personal attacks does not apply no matter how unreasonable you actually think the OP is being.

That fact is that some people (names do spring to mind) just like to be rude to other people.

It is often done for no reason at all and although it gives a few people a snide giggle, most of MN would agree that it it classless and down right bitchy.

Disagreeing with some one is fine, being passionate about something is fine. Being rude or nasty etc for no good reason is not fine.

Unfortunately I don't think any disclaimer will change this. The people who regularly do it will just keep doing it.

Its not just AIBU though is it - some people just think "well this is my opinion and even if you already feel bad im going to keep reiterating it until you agree with me and tell me how right and clever I am"

I do think possibly they dont have a lot of real friends because if you see them coming in RL you can avoid them ...here you cant avoid them or get rid of them There are a couple of people on here who are etched in my mind as quite mad, socially inept & unstable (and thats some achievement on their behalf as im terrible with names)

Sometimes now I look at a thread and agree with what a poster is saying but because its not the popular majority vocal opinion I just walk away from it...I do feel bad particularly if I feel someone is getting an unnecessary bashing.

I don't post differently in AIBU. I rarely register which section things are posted in unless it's an obviously sensitive area like bereavement. I find it curious that people tailor their posting style to the section they're posting in

I missed you too Flight. I was going to start a thread asking about your whereabouts but didn't because I'm not sure its the "done thing", especially if you had name-changed. Mumsnet is certainly full of people who like to tell others what they may or may not post!

Having said that, I agree with you about AIBU. I think the disclaimer has the opposite effect of its intention and the alternative wording Goosey has just suggested might see an improvement.

There is a difference surely between robust exchange of ideas (incuding disagreement) about the OPs initial question and the out and out hounding of an individual like occurred a few weeks ago (a Mizzydee being the victim).

Unreasonably vitriolic she may well have been but another thread was started specifically designed to goad her into reacting so she could be got at all over again. even if she didn't appear, the thread was about her - it was plain nasty. Perhaps there should be another section called the Bitching Only? (BO)?

Hi all,
We've updated the AIBU disclaimer along the lines of your suggestions. Many thanks for the input.
MNHQ