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MNHQ

Have you got any tips for getting older children into bed for The Daily Telegraph?

52 replies

CatherineMumsnet · 05/09/2008 10:38

We need your advice on how to retain that 'grown-up' time in the evenings once your kids are that bit older....

OP posts:

seeker · 05/09/2008 11:18

I hate to sound pompous - but I'm going to. I hate the thought of everyone in their own rooms watching separate tvs! Children are people too - as they got older they stay up longer and participate in "grown-up time" more. Why would you want to banish them - they'll want to disappear and never emerge from their bedrooms soon enough.

SlartyBartFast · 05/09/2008 11:19

same here seeker. we dont have tvs or lap tops in their rooms - they can watch the main tv.

willow · 05/09/2008 11:20

Keep that routine going - DS coming up 9 but we still have routine similar to the one we've done since he was tiny. Essentially bath, then I'll read a chapter of a book to him and then he goes into bed to read to himself... which helps makes him sleepy. On a good night he's done and dusted by about 8.15.

Tortington · 05/09/2008 11:21

i agree. seeker.

we dont have tv at all now. but the teens do what teens do and go out with friends etc.

kids always want your company i think - they crave it.

if you think about it

say in an avg household the parents get home from work at say 6pm

they eat a family meal together

get ready for tomorrow homework, bags, pe kit

shower, bed

theres not a lot of time actually in there.

Cappuccino · 05/09/2008 11:26

yes agree with custy and seeker

kids do want time with you, 1:1 if possible - I think dd1 (8 next month) wants this just as much as her little sister, if not more, because she wants to be treated as a grown-up and to have grown-up time with us

if she stays up late when dd2 is in bed it is at weekends, and she either reads on the sofa with us (we read our books as well), or watches Dr Who with us

dh and I are trying not to watch too much tv in the evenings now, because it f*cks your sleep up - we had a tv in our bedroom until recently but we have swopped it for a radio. I think that children need to be encouraged to do more with their downtime than just watch stuff

that's nothing to do with going to bed tho is it

sallystrawberry · 05/09/2008 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMumInScotland · 05/09/2008 11:30

seeker - maybe I should have said, DS is nearly 15 now, so "older children" is maybe not quite the category for him any more.

BitOfFun · 05/09/2008 11:31

My dd1 (12) is very good about going to her room at nine-thirty, and is welcome to read/ watch a dvd (she doesn't do that often though) or generally attend laboriously to her grooming as she is starting to take an interest in that now. I do say to her though that that's it, no coming downstairs because it's time for me and my DP to spend some time on our own together. I have used pretty much those words too, as I think she's understanding enough to be respectful of that.

It's trickier with my dss (13) when he sleeps over though, as he has been spoilt used to staying up longer, and it took him a while to be comfortable leaving me and his dad alone together. It got there over time though, and to get some adult time in the evening now, we find it is much easier if we do something fun together, but first make clear the deal is bed by ten (sometimes get away with half nine, but it's rarer now.) So we'll all play a good board game or quiz, which, although it sounds terribly Victorian and they are savvy game-stationed-up kids, they actually love, maybe because it's a novelty to them, and they are getting our full attention. We are joking and being daft altogether, and it's lovely to see their sense of humour and the kind of young people they are turning into.

By ten or whenever we'd agreed, they are relaxed and good-humoured and happy enough to slope off upstairs. In Dss' case, his dad goes up with him and puts a dvd on for him(it's just the habit he has of how he goes to sleep), spends a few minutes pottering round with him finding stuff for the morning etc and dss drops off in his bed watching that.

DP gets back downstairs a few minutes later and I have a bottle of wine open - ta-daa! Then we spend at least two hours together on our own with a movie or just chatting. If we are positive we can't hear the floorboards creaking from upstairs , we might get quite cosy ...

All in all, I think the principles for older children are the same as for younger, just with adaptations. You need a bit of a routine, you forewarn them when it's time to go up, and you make them feel welcome to you and that you enjoy their company before you boot them upstairs, erm, I mean bid them goodnight! I don't see anything wrong with them having a mooch about on their own in their rooms til they are tired, but I have no problem letting them now that that time downstairs is for me and DP to be by ourselves too.

WideWebWitch · 05/09/2008 11:34

Marina, apparently they're making another Outnumbered, I so loved that programme.

Ds has just discovered reading and so is very happy to go to bed at 8 ish and read.

At the weekend I don't mind either of them staying up quite a bit later and sometimes we do something all together like watch a film or sometimes we go out for dinner (they are nearly 11 and nearly 5) so they are both up until 9 ish sometimes.

During the week I think ds needs to be in his room by about 8 and asleep by 10ish but at the weekend I like having their company until a bit later. And there's that thing also of sometimes realising that you're putting so much effort into avoiding your children and carving out adult time when actually sometimes it's a lot easier and the right thing to do to just give in and enjoy time with all of you together and forget about adult time until another night.

Although that might just be me, don't know if anyone understands what I mean.

WingsofaAngel · 05/09/2008 11:39

As your family grows up then your time together changes.

They are capable of getting to sleep themselves at what ever time you have decided bed time should be.

It is more important that you have time together and have time to discuss what has happened in the day and plan things together.

PoorOldEnid · 05/09/2008 11:54

define 'older'?

seeker · 05/09/2008 11:55

But why should the children, once they are over the age when they need to be asleep early, be banished to their bedrooms? It's their house too - why can't they use the living room?

PoorOldEnid · 05/09/2008 11:58

yy I agree seeker

Quite happy for them to stay up with us when they are older - perhaps not every single night...

If she is ever into Big Brother though she can have a tv in her room and be banished there

SlartyBartFast · 05/09/2008 11:59

but the swearing and unsuitable for children things imo are

WingsofaAngel · 05/09/2008 11:59

They should be in which ever room they want to be in. I agree seeker.

SlartyBartFast · 05/09/2008 12:00

on the telly i mean, not me and dh

FluffyMummy123 · 05/09/2008 12:01

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 05/09/2008 12:02

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 05/09/2008 12:03

I don't think there are really any "shoulds" about this situation - it's what works for individual families. I do like my older kids company, but I want alone time with my partner too, and I think it's quite healthy for kids to see that the adults like being a couple as well as part of a family with them. I respect people who feel differently and want to all stay up together, but it wouldn't work for me.

Marina · 05/09/2008 12:08

I'm not sure the Telegraph is getting quite what they anticipated from this thread...a lot of us like having our older kids around. It compensates us for the ankle-biting years. My concerns about enforcing a reasonable, relaxing bedtime routine for ds are much more about ensuring he gets enough sleep, rather than we get more quality bickering and plate-scraping time.
Cod, ds can do Hugh Dennis' raptor routine to perfection...and he has never even seen the programme.
Cannot wait for the second series.

SlartyBartFast · 05/09/2008 12:11

on the other hand dh and i do find it hard to get time alone and have to snatch conversations when we can.

Hassled · 05/09/2008 12:13

It's impossible "to retain that 'grown-up' time in the evenings once your kids are that bit older.... ". Just impossible, and pointless even trying.

On the plus side, teenagers go out a lot. And in our case, when they're not going out they are available to babysit younger siblings.

And before you know where you are they're off to University and you have way more 'grown-up' time than you ever wanted ... [sniff].

FluffyMummy123 · 05/09/2008 12:14

Message withdrawn

cupsoftea · 05/09/2008 12:16

Reading in bed for as long as they want.

Jux · 05/09/2008 12:24

We stay up later! And every few nights I go to bed really really early.

In truth, dd(9) is supposed to go to bed at 8.30/9 and reads or draws in bed for half an hour at which point the light is switched off. (But also in truth, as her bedroom is 2 floors up she switches the light back on again and carries on drawing or reading until she falls asleep.) If there's a really good programme on TV (archaeology, music etc) we let her watch it with us.

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