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Original poster

MNHQ moving a thread AGAIN due to bereavement without OP asking.

8 replies

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 12/09/2012 16:17

I am quite cross (again).

Once more, we have seen MNHQ move a thread from another topic to 'bereavement' without the OP requesting it. Why do you do this? Frankly it really pisses me (and others I believe) off that we cannot talk about infant death without having to be sidelined ushered into the bereavement topic. People suggest the move in good faith perhaps, thinking (albeit in a terribly patronising way) that any bereaved parent of an infant must be protected form robust discussion and 'supported'.

Please, MNHQ, I demand to know (once again) if you have a policy of doing this, and your reasoning. I don't have the time to explain exactly how marginilised it can make you feel when you realise that a forum that you love dearly shows itself to want to keep people with certain experiences away from the rest of the site. Please respond.

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MNHQ

RebeccaMumsnet · 12/09/2012 17:26

Hi all,

Apologies for any upset, that is never our intention.

This thread was moved earlier today after many reports that AIBU was not the right place ie. too 'fighty' for this sort of discussion.

We do not want to 'hide' any discussion, but we are also very aware that this is a very emotive subject and we didn't feel that AIBU was the correct place for it.

We have mailed the OP, as she has said above, and we would welcome any suggestions/ feedback on how to deal with threads such as this in the future.

Once again, apologies for any upset caused, it really wasn't our intention.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 12/09/2012 18:08

@boredandrestless

I think it should be MN policy to NOT move a thread to bereavement before hearing back from the OP.

Hello. And yes, that is very much our policy.

It looks as though we did move this thread today before we'd contacted the OP, and that was our mistake.

It should not have happened - whether the thread was originally created in AIBU or anywhere else.

Many apologies. We'll take steps to try to ensure this doesn't happen again.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 12/09/2012 18:20

@expatinscotland

It has already happened twice in recent times! Chez12's thread, for example. Yes, she was sharing her experience of her son and his preventable death, but she was also very bravely raising awareness of a virus that could potentially claim the lives of other children.

But nope, put her in Bereaved section.

Ditto hellomynameisfred, whose thread was raising awareness of ECV. But nope, move it and then make her sanitise it to keep it in chat.

ANY thread dealing with the death of a poster's child quickly gets moved to Bereavement.

Well, it shouldn't be, expat - not without the OP's consent. See our post below.

As I said, this one was our mistake. We're sorry. And we're taking steps to make sure this doesn't happen again.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 12/09/2012 18:26

@EdMcDunnough

Helen, would anyone there be prepared to consider our points regarding AIBU at all?

Sure. We agree that AIBU can be more robust and straight-talking than other topics: after all, if you're asking if you're unreasonable or not, you're inviting posters to tell you you are or you aren't.

However, AIBU is absolutely not a place where normal MN rules don't apply. Personal attacks/insults would still break the guidelines and would still be deleted, if reported.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 12/09/2012 18:32

@Asmywhimsytakesme

Helen, but even asking to move it almost implies it should be hidden.

If it is someone asking for posts from people with similar experiences and who may not realise there is a special forum then fair enough, but I'm not sure why it is even suggested all of these be moved.

For example, there was a birth story recently originally posted in childbirth, where the birth ended in a still birth iirc. Still birth is a very sad and thankfully rare outcome of birth and I can see it could upset pg women, but it is also important these things are talked about.

Totally agree.

We would never mail and say, "We think we should move your thread to Bereavement. That OK?"

We would probably say something like, "Several posters have contacted us to suggest you might prefer your thread to be in Bereavement. We're assuming you started it in AIBU (or wherever) intentionally and, of course, that's completely fine. But if you would like it moved to Bereavement - or anywhere else - please do let us know."

Obviously, it would also depend who the OP was and how long they've been on MN. We do sometimes find that newbies start threads (on all sorts of subjects) in AIBU almost by default, as they're perhaps not as aware of the range of topics we have as more regular posters.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 12/09/2012 18:41

@frasersmummy

Onceortwice....I think a lot of people would be suprised to learn that bereaved mummies would like to say aibu has made them feel better when they are stressed or can't sleep as well

The problem is as soon as we say our little one has died..its off to bereavement for us...

We are no different to anyone else except our child is not with US...we get angry and want to vent sometimes too ..

No, it's not "off to bereavement", frasersmummy. Honestly.

Except in the case of MNHQ cock-ups.

See our previous posts.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 12/09/2012 18:57

@EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange

Hmm.

I am betting those who reported the thread and asked it to be moved because it was too fighty Hmm haven't lost a child.

That annoys me also. Let's move it, let's pretend it doesn't happen.

Anyway it was moved and it wasn't the right thing.

But maybe just maybe this whole debate has opened people's eyes. Maybe they will think next time.

Let's hope so.

It's possible that the reporters haven't lost a child, Everlong. We don't know.

But it's obviously from their accompanying comments that their desire is offer the best support for the bereaved parent, not shuffle her off out of sight.

Their ideas of how to offer that support may be misguided, perhaps, but they're never heartless.

I've (unfortunately) had enough personal experience of bereavement to know that people very often do and say entirely the wrong thing (or indeed say/do nothing at all) when you're bereaved but they very rarely do so deliberately or with intent to get rid of you.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 12/09/2012 20:02

@boredandrestless

Your reply MN makes it seem that this was a one off, but it's not. This at least the 2nd thread I have stumbled across very recently where this has happened.

Is everyone at MNHQ aware of this policy? (to NOT move a thread to bereavement before hearing back from the OP)

Perhaps it needs to be made clear to everyone at HQ?

Yes, we are all aware. It became a firmer policy after the other more recent occasions.

Unfortunately, though, there was a cock-up today.

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