How to approach bursary issue after child already has place

[WayneJohn]

Hello I'm wondering how to approach this issue?

Basically I earned a very good income from around 2006 or so and sent DS (who is in U6th) and then DD (now Y8) to private school.

For whatever reason everything was in cash so there is no property or whatever that could be sold now that STBXW & I are divorcing.

Anyway, the decree nisi drops in a couple of days and after that the financial agreement can be made. The issue is, well, there is in effect no money left, ok some tens of thousands of pounds but it's essentially an irrelevance given that the cost of DD's remaining education (Y9-Y13) would be ~£100k (she is currently at a prep school and has a place at a different school next year), and that stbx earns minimum wage more-or-less, and has no prospect of even affording her home counties rent and other basic living expenses without government help, let alone being able to make a contribution to private school fees.

As far as my contribution goes, tbh I should have left my wife about 8 or 9 years ago, but only really found a way out after moving to Asia, where I have been resident for 3 years now, and where my income is quite negligible in UK terms due to lower cost of living.

So anyway this is a slightly rambling introduction but as far as I can tell there is not necessarily anything specifically in the divorce paperwork about educational arrangements, but as stbxw is to be on Universal Credit at some point in the future (i.e. after her capital is below £16k) then it seems like we would have to consider that the current school year is the last of paying school fees, which is fine in respect of DS as he is going to university, but not so much for DD as she is 5 years younger.

My question really is how and when to approach the school about this? I feel that DD would be an asset to the school but they perhaps do not know this as they do not know her! She did not do particularly well when she applied to the school, as her grandmother had died the previous night so was quite upset.

What kind of things would they ask for and expect to give out a full bursary (or nearly so, if my parents could make some contribution)?

[CripsSandwiches]

I do think you need to consider moving back to the UK and supporting your younger child. If you refuse to do so then just accept the fact that she won't get the same education as her older brother. By all means contact the school with regards to a bursary but it's a long shot so you need to take responsibility for the fact that in removing financial support your DD will likely have to attend whatever state school has a place for her.

[WayneJohn]

Thanks for the replies.

The prospects of moving back to the UK are very dim. If I did that with another woman from where I live, then she would need a visa, I would need a job (I have no employment history for almost 10 years), housing, etc. just to even get in the country.

If I came on my own I don't have any friends or anything to support me, and I'd need to pay rent, food, bills, child support, and also come up with £20k/year for school fees out of post-tax income. I don't know quite where that gets you in terms of a salary but £60k or so? No chance.

I have contacted her current school to ask them for advice about how to handle the situation.

[IndecentFeminist]

What a very odd concern. If you came back you don't have any friends to support you? You'd need to bring a woman back with you? 🤯

[PettsWoodParadise]

OP all the concern you express seems to be about the impact to you financially if you return to the UK, not about the potential for a few short years to redeem the situation of your DD’s education (and your relationship with her!). I have never been so appalled at someone’s selfishness before. Once a parent, always a parent. You give the impression they you have decided geography and ease of career absolves your responsibilities.

When my DH was made redundant and DD was in private primary school I did two jobs, some writing and sewing, I was doing a 70 hour week plus travel. More than one of these jobs I hated, made me tired and didn’t help my health, we rented out our dining room to made ends meet until a better point in DD’s education came to pass and we could make the right choice with her and not throw her education to the wind. DH ‘decided’ he couldn’t do anything. It has severely damaged DD’s relationship with her father as a result.

OP it seems you have three choices, 1) avoid any responsibilities, 2) take some minor responsibility by passing the buck and asking the school to step in (which they may not) 3) or return and work in a job for a few years at the very least that will resolve the immediate problem and then give you time to review, not making excuses about rent costs etc

[LolaSmiles]

You have no employment history for 10 years
You said you were previously earning decent money
... But you have no property and everything was done in cash.
You've said you were betting.

In a nutshell it sounds like you've been unemployed and gambling for years, or you've been doing cash in hand work and not declaring it.

[IceCreamFace]

@WayneJohn

There's something very weird about this entire situation, putting school fees to one side surely you want to live in the same country as your young daughter if it's at all possible. Especially as her mother is apparently not even a fluent English speaker. You don't need an employment history if you've been running a successful business which has been paying for two sets of private school fees. Why would you need to bring a women from Asia back with you - are you currently in a serious relationship and even so surely your daughter is the priority? I think having her dad on the same continent would be more of a benefit than stumping up for private education.

[Wheresthebiffer2]

some state schools are excellent. just sayin'. it's not the end of the world.
Due to circumstances changing, we had to move our DD after Year8, and she coped, and is getting on fine in her new school. Admittedly this was a move from one state school to another.

[WayneJohn]

I'm sure I've been over this @IceCreamFace, but some more detail if you must. I have not been running a successful business, but I did work as a gambler, which is not a business exactly, and certainly not an easy thing to do successfully, otherwise everyone would be doing it wouldn't they. Anyway it's not an option for most people to just conjure up £60k/year, otherwise, again, everyone would be doing it.

Yes I could be on the same continent as my daughter, but obviously not in the same household, which to my mind is more the point. My children spent the whole summer with me (my wife is not particularly one for spending time with them, so this is not a source of disagreement). I have friends with parents who speak no English at all and went to inner-city schools & were very successful. DD is doing fine.

[Dodgeitornot]

I mean it sounds like either the school gives them a bursary or they go to a state school. Some of these posters are acting like leaving private education is a death sentence. They'll be fine. And there's lots of kids with parents aboard. I'm sure OP knows the consequences of being very far from his kids, it's a reality for many and a personal decision, just as it's a personal decision to work 70hr weeks. Not sure how much of your child you'll be seeing doing that either of those.

Look at your state school options and see what the school says. They will be fine.

[ineedaholidaynow]

If your ex partner is not one for spending time with your children why aren't they living with you?

Did you lose all your money gambling? Is that why there is no property to sell?

[SD1978]

Is your daughter aware that as well as swanning off to Asia and getting a girlfriend and a lacklustre business there, and abandoning her because weekend visits were depressing, that you are also pulling the educational rug out from under her?

[GoFiguire]

Are you on the run?

[cakeisalwaystheanswer]

It isn't the transfer to state school that is the problem. It is losing the support network of her friendship group at a very difficult time. Her parents are divorcing, daddy is living in Asia with his new GF, the mother has a very low income and apparently isn't particularly interested in her DCs, the UK family will have to move to cheaper accommodation as it is unlikely that the father can or will support them financially. The one constant in this girls life will be her friends so ideally she would go on to the same school with them not and will not be trying to break in to groups that have already been established at a state school for 2 years.

It is very easy to criticise the OP but it isn't really helping the DD.

[WayneJohn]

I'm living in Asia with a new gf? That's news to me.

[SurpriseSparDay]

What did this mean

The prospects of moving back to the UK are very dim. If I did that with another woman from where I live, then she would need a visa ...

if there is no new girlfriend?

[Pumpkintopf]

Shocked that you have prioritised moving abroad and running a 'fulfilling' business over being present for your daughter and continuing to earn an income to support her. Whether your wife cheated or not has nothing to do with your daughter.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

So you have moved to a different continent leaving your daughter at the most vulnerable time of her life with a mother who barely speaks English, is financially illiterate, has no interest in spending time with her, will not be able to keep her home and is shagging lots of random men?

[anxioussue]

So you are in Asia and your stbx wife is from overseas, hmm. Thailand ? What a catch you weren't.

[WayneJohn]

No, my stbx is/was not a prostitute from Thailand, if that's what you are trying to imply.

[anxioussue]

Your words not mine. Women from Thailand are not all prostitutes

[WayneJohn]

no, you brought up Thailand, apropos nothing at all and to no possible relevance. We can all see the shitty stereotype you were reaching for.

[GoFiguire]

Which Asian country is it? Asia is a big place.

[Dodgeitornot]

Why do you all care about this Asian girlfriend 😂 the guy came on here for advice so obv he cares at least a bit. Whether what the OP is doing is selfish or not is irrelevant because he asked for advice about school, not his personal life.

Lots of kids move to a state school from private and even more move in Y8 because it is a good time to move. She will be absolutely fine.

[RedskyToNight]

I'm not sure why all the discussion about the OP's personal affairs is necessary. The basic point is that he and the girl's mother cannot afford school fees, and have no easy way to change things so they can afford school fees (OP's previously well paid job being impossible to move back to from what he's said). So they either need a 100% bursary or they need to send their child to state school.

Yes, this is unfortunate, and a shame for the girl involved, but moving to a different school in Year 9 (worst case scenario) is hardly akin to child abuse. With the wonder of social media she can continue to keep in touch with her old friends and organise to see them.

[LolaSmiles]

redskyToNight
It seems relevant to me.
There's a massive difference between a family having two incomes, falling on hard times and needing financial assistance, or a family tightening their belts to afford private education but due to relationship breakdown they're struggling to find the final year of fees for y11, and man has spent the last 10 years gambling instead of working whilst Mum was on minimum wage job, the relationship broke down and he has shipped himself to the other side of the world. In this situation they didn't have the financial stability to confidently fund private education when they were together because OP didn't have a job. He was just lucky gambling for years and with no property and enough cash to keep gambling to the point where two sets of private fees could be paid, I'm guessing they were one bad gamble away from substantial loss. I'm not entirely convinced the role of school bursaries is for situations like this.