How to approach bursary issue after child already has place

[WayneJohn]

Hello I'm wondering how to approach this issue?

Basically I earned a very good income from around 2006 or so and sent DS (who is in U6th) and then DD (now Y8) to private school.

For whatever reason everything was in cash so there is no property or whatever that could be sold now that STBXW & I are divorcing.

Anyway, the decree nisi drops in a couple of days and after that the financial agreement can be made. The issue is, well, there is in effect no money left, ok some tens of thousands of pounds but it's essentially an irrelevance given that the cost of DD's remaining education (Y9-Y13) would be ~£100k (she is currently at a prep school and has a place at a different school next year), and that stbx earns minimum wage more-or-less, and has no prospect of even affording her home counties rent and other basic living expenses without government help, let alone being able to make a contribution to private school fees.

As far as my contribution goes, tbh I should have left my wife about 8 or 9 years ago, but only really found a way out after moving to Asia, where I have been resident for 3 years now, and where my income is quite negligible in UK terms due to lower cost of living.

So anyway this is a slightly rambling introduction but as far as I can tell there is not necessarily anything specifically in the divorce paperwork about educational arrangements, but as stbxw is to be on Universal Credit at some point in the future (i.e. after her capital is below £16k) then it seems like we would have to consider that the current school year is the last of paying school fees, which is fine in respect of DS as he is going to university, but not so much for DD as she is 5 years younger.

My question really is how and when to approach the school about this? I feel that DD would be an asset to the school but they perhaps do not know this as they do not know her! She did not do particularly well when she applied to the school, as her grandmother had died the previous night so was quite upset.

What kind of things would they ask for and expect to give out a full bursary (or nearly so, if my parents could make some contribution)?

[Chapellass]

Yes, @Mummy195 has joined the dots, that is what I meant.

[Mummy195]

OP I can only say what everyone has already said. You have to speak to the school.
The best way would be for you to make the application on behalf of your ex. But remember, some schools will insist that both parents apply. With your low salary this should not be much of an issue. However, your DS 16K lying around may raise questions of why you are more committed to DS school than you are at this new DD school.

Could the HM from her current prep write to explain that she has a scholarship at her prep currently, but may not have performed to those standard during entrance exams because of the family circumstances.

Did DD get accepted at any other schools ? Bigger, older schools with foundations may be more helpful.

[Mummy195]

LIZS I could be wrong but I think Chapellass means that OP uses the funds he saved for DS to pay for DD first year or something, and ask for a bursary for DS instead, since he is already an established student on his last year.
But my guess is that would work if DS has really good results.

OP how has his results been so far?

[LIZS]

@Chapellass op has funds for this year so ds place not an issue.

[Cyberworrier]

IceCreamFace

Of course being in the same continent as your kids is hugely important even if not in the same household, especially since you claim their mum doesn't spend time with them! How can you leave your kid for most of the year with a non English speaker who doesn't bother with spending time with her?! You don't need 60k a year, get a lower paid job and send your child to State school and spend time with her.

This exactly.

Your poor daughter. Obviously you have issues, but I think you need to pull yourself together and be a much more day to day part of your daughters life. Which school she goes to- not a biggie. Not having a stable, loving parent to rely upon day to day? That’s the issue. Look up attachment (and attachment and trauma).

If you think the last decade have had an effect on your mental health, are you not worried about your daughter having been affected by all the upheaval too and about going through adolescence with a mother who you say is such an uncaring parent (from the other side of the world..)?

[Chapellass]

Not read the whole thread but you should see if your DS's school has a hardship bursary you can apply for as he is in his final crucial year.

[LolaSmiles]

OP I think a lot of the advice you've got here is genuine. You sound very angry with your ex and you probably have good reason. You also paint your ex as a fairly useless mother - not bothered about the kids, can barely communicate to sort out schooling etc. If that is the case I think people's concerns about you not being around are genuine
Exactly.

No job for 10 years, disappeared to the other side of the world leaving the children with someone he paints as a bad mother who is financially irresponsible. It's fairly reasonable to question those decisions, and the financial arrangements are relevant to applying for a bursary.

Sadly, it didn't take long for the apologists to turn up though excusing a man disappearing to the other side of the world where he's not providing properly for his children and won't see them.

Ultimately, OP has to take their chances on a bursary and hope for the best or start looking at state education options as soon as possible.

[IceCreamFace]

OP I think a lot of the advice you've got here is genuine. You sound very angry with your ex and you probably have good reason. You also paint your ex as a fairly useless mother - not bothered about the kids, can barely communicate to sort out schooling etc. If that is the case I think people's concerns about you not being around are genuine. Surely seeing your daughter weekends (and soon she'll be a teenager so she may well decide to come hang out at yours after school rather than mum's anyway) is much better than not seeing her for 10 months all in one go. It'll be very difficult to stay part of her life that way. When she's older she may not want to spend so long away from school friends and won't come for the entire summer. Your daughter sounds like a bright girl so I do think you need to consider the state options and she'll have every chance of doing well. Your ex sounds like she really screwed you up (affairs are awful and you have my sympathy) but I don't think that's a reason to leave the UK entirely. Your daughter is getting to the age where she can just hop on a bus to see her dad so you won't have to communicate with your ex much at all.

[WhiskyTangoFoxtrot]

"No doubt I could, but to what end?"

That of putting your DC first, earning enough to cover the fees for the education you wish to provide.

It's only a few more years, but very important ones. Don't abandon your teens because you are splitting from your mother. Stay close by, see then frequently, provide for them.

They are definitely worthwhile ends.

[Dodgeitornot]

You don't deserve any of the crap you've got on here and I think you sound like you're trying your best and just seeing what the options are.
There are so many kids who live with awful parents or parents who live with them but are too busy with work to see them. You sound like you love your kids and are trying your best to sort this situation out in the most reasonable way you can think of.

I agree that imo coming back to the UK is not the best thing. Its stressful, expensive and I'm sure your kids see you plenty and stay in touch.
I would really look into you local state schools. Many are better than privates and many are worse, but moving will not lower her chances of achieving great things and it won't be the end of the world. She will do great and may enjoy being with children like her more too, you never know.

[WayneJohn]

Who was she having an affair with though if she can barely speak English?

Various men from her country, as it happens, though the language barrier was hardly an issue in the first place was it.

If you came back to the UK, you could get some kind of job btw. What’s stopping you?

No doubt I could, but to what end? I've spent the last decade being miserable as a result of my STBXW, it's long enough. My DD lives with her mother and is doing fine. She sees me for several months a year. I'm not sure what is being got at here? I should come to the UK, which I don't want to do, and maybe not make a decent living and perhaps see my daughter on the weekend, and perhaps not cope very well. I'm not sure really what the point of all this is.

And why do you need a visa for an imaginary woman? What’s that about?

I don't need a visa for an imaginary woman, I was explaining that I could either (a) remain in Asia, (b) come back to the UK alone, or (c) come back to the UK with a new partner. That's an exhaustive set of possibilities, and for some reason people are fixating on the last. I mention it only because I won't be single forever and if I remain in Asia then I definitely will not find a British girlfriend/wife.

There are women here.

On Mumsnet? No doubt.


I’m sorry about your wife and the affair. That sounds awful. Who was she having an affair with though if she can barely speak English?

Well as it happens men from the same country, but that's hardly the point.

Anyway, the best thing for the school fees would be for her to approach the new school and say something along the lines of, “My H has buggered off to the Far East and is now in huge debt due to his gambling addiction. I’m now on UC as a single mum. Is there anything the school can do?”

I don't and never had any kind of gambling addiction or compulsion or anything else, nor indeed any kind of debt. Gambling is just mathematics, if you are on the right side of the curve then you must win, and if you are on the wrong side you must lose. Luck doesn't really come into it except in short term fluctuations or where the risk is outsized relative to the return. As @SamBee1 has observed it's not something you do forever, and as I explained I don't do it any more, I have a business unrelated to that. Gambling is illegal in most Asian countries.

[SamBee1]

As someone who's dad ran off to Asia at a similar age to the OP's kid i'm almost envious of the care he's trying to show.

I also know a number of people that have earnt sizeable incomes from gambling, and aspects of gambling (which is tax free), and oddly there is a limit to how long this can last before you burn out. I'm more focussed on the point in hand rather than trying to create a stereotype of his new life.

But surely the answer is to deal with the school directly whilst doing as much preparation for your children entering the state system (for which they will do amazingly well i'm sure). The actual answers you're looking forward won't be answered here if the priority is digging into the minutae of your personal life rather than the practicalities of your childrens new situation! It all feels rather close to the bone.

[SurpriseSparDay]

There are women here.

Dying.

cosima1 If I do actually die of laughter my estate will seek you out.

But thank you! That was too good for any emoji.

[LolaSmiles]

And why do you need a visa for an imaginary woman? What’s that about? There are women here.

I'd guess that a reasonable number of women wouldn't touch a long term unemployed gambler who fucked off to the other side of the world who abandoned his children and makes his life choices around a hypothetical fancy woman

[cosima1]

OP, you say you met your stbx when you were both 19. But now, if your DS is 17/18, she must be at least 37? So how is it she still speaks only basic English if she’s lived in the UK for nearly 2 decades?

And what do you mean, you’re now in the Far East and living as a gambler, but making no money from it? What is the point if that?

Of course you can come back to the UK. You’re still a citizen, aren’t you?

I’m sorry about your wife and the affair. That sounds awful. Who was she having an affair with though if she can barely speak English?

Anyway, the best thing for the school fees would be for her to approach the new school and say something along the lines of, “My H has buggered off to the Far East and is now in huge debt due to his gambling addiction. I’m now on UC as a single mum. Is there anything the school can do?”

If you came back to the UK, you could get some kind of job btw. What’s stopping you? And why do you need a visa for an imaginary woman? What’s that about? There are women here.

[Raspberry123]

I would talk to the school and see what they say. It will depend on how much money they have, what other children they have and how keen they are on your daughter. You can but ask.

[LIZS]

does stbx have a say in this? Tbh bursaries are normally awarded to those achieving highly academically in entrance exams/assessments and whose parents are already taking steps to maximise their income or have short term, unexpected financial issues (ie. Due to redundancy, Illness, caring duties or bereavement). So you and your ex might be expected to actively seek ft salaried work and realise any investments. You are portraying yourself as someone who has all but abandoned their family for a cheaper lifestyle based purely on gambling - and lost- rather than one planning ahead for their needs. Fees are a luxury you can no longer afford.

[SurpriseSparDay]

means “Who is the visa for?”

[SurpriseSparDay]

[IceCreamFace]

In terms of schools you're in no position to be fussy. You should contact all state and private schools in the area and request places/bursaries at each so you at least might have one option for next year for your DD. You should also consider stepping up as a dad. Spending the summer together once a year doesn't make you dad of the year!

[IceCreamFace]

If you don't have a girlfriend then why are you concerned about bringing a woman back who would need a visa? Your priority is your daughter not a woman you haven't even met!

[WayneJohn]

To cook and clean for him..

I live on my own, nobody cooks and cleans for me.

[WayneJohn]

I don't have a new girlfriend for fuck's sake.

[ChaiNashta]

The prospects of moving back to the UK are very dim. If I did that with another woman from where I live, then she would need a visa ...

To cook and clean for him...

[LolaSmiles]

Surely that's for the school bursar to decide?
Of course it is.
But I can see why people are asking about their home situation as it does make a difference to the advice given.

There's a big difference between parents who are genuinely struggling and have fallen on hard times and parents who were quite happy to live for 10 years on the profits of gambling, then following a split, one ups and leaves to the other side of the world and chooses to prioritise their feelings and life with a new girlfriend over financially providing for their children. At the end of the day, private education isn't a right or entitlement and I would imagine parents choosing to enter into the current situation is very different to parents who fall on hard times through no fault of their own.