Would a quiet, shy, bright girl do better at a private school or in the local state secondary with her friends? Where was your quiet child happy?

[SkaterGrrrrl]

DD is only just 9 so I have a bit of time, but need to start getting my head around this. DD is very quiet and shy. She doesn't play with everyone is her class but is fiercely loyal to her one best friend, who has been her best friend from day 1 of reception. DD is pretty bright and in the top set at her lovely state primary.

We had planned to send DD to the large (1300 pupils) state secondary very nearby. When last year's Ofsted downgraded the school to Requires Improvement, the grandparents kindly offered to pay for DD to go private at secondary. Their offer is not just for fees but for everything - uniforms, books, school trips, sports equipment etc. We are grateful for the generous offer but have lots of doubts, some ideological, some practical, mostly we are unsure where a child like this will thrive.

I guess the advice I am looking for is, where will DD be happiest? At the large state secondary, will the teachers even notice her? She will be with her best friend and many other children she knows. She will probably be in the top set academically, if primary is anything to go by. At a private school DD will have to make new friends, which she doesn't do easily. And perhaps she will be in the middle, academically. But with smaller class sizes, the teachers will have the time to discover what's under her quiet exterior.

I'd love to hear where your child thrived.

[IdaNoh]

DD went to a private school where the ethos was 'if the girl is happy, she will learn'. She grew in spirit there, even with problems from a couple of bullies (it's an all girls school!) but they were definitely not in denial about the behaviour, which was refreshing. She did well there.

[Kazzyhoward]

I don’t think where you live or what you do matters but I agree with SkaterGrrrrl I wanted to go to the secondary modern with my friends.
Instead I spent the next 5 years floundering and left with not a single qualification.

I did the opposite. I had the chance to go to a grammar school in the next town (I passed the 11+), but chose to go to the local comp because that's where my friends were going. What a mistake to make! My best friends were in different forms so I barely saw them and the few people who were in my form from my primary soon found new exciting friends so I was excluded from them too! I ended up with no friends and ended up being badly bullied, and I dropped from a straight A* student to crashing out without a single O level to my name. I can honestly say those 5 years in the crap comp were the worst years of my life. A ruined education and teen years just because I wanted to stay with my friends which didn't happen anyway!

My son was in the same position - top of his primary year but very shy and reserved. All his friends were going to local comps. He took the 11+ and passed for the grammar in the next town. A lot of soul searching, but he liked the grammar and so he went for it. A few sleepless nights (for us), but he's absolutely loved every minute of it. As it had a bigger catchment area, very few people in his form knew eachother (they spread out kids from the same primary into different forms) so they were all in the same "billy no mates" boat at first, which promoted them making the effort to make new friends. He's now in U6, predicted A*s at A level, and is a very confident, popular boy who is also a head prefect and is involved with numerous extra-curricular activities.