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Secondary education

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Original poster

Unhappy Daughter in Yr7

87 replies

cissyknowsbest56 · 11/10/2018 10:32

Hi I’m just talking aloud but if anyone has any advice I’d be grateful.
My daughter has just joined a girls school that my older daughter goes to.
She’s a funny confident kind smiley shiny kid but she is unrecognisable now.
She has been put in a class with two girls from her primary school..one s well know antagonist and bully.
My daughter started yr 7 determined to make new friends (her best friends are at a local school) and to be her sociable self.
It’s sll gone horribly wrong. The first week it was ‘kick a ginger day’ and being a red head she got stick.
The antagonist from primary school has turned her new found friends against her and they laugh at her and say ‘she needs help’
She spends break times and lunch times on her own and her class don’t talk to her.
She is a shadow of her former self. She cried herself to sleep, her eyes are red raw. She’s so low.
School are saying that they won’t move her class.
I’m seriously worried she’s at the wrong school.
There is a place available at the secondary school where all of her primary school friends are and I’m very tempted to move her. She wants to go.
Advice please.

OP posts:
Sparklyshoes16 · 12/10/2018 11:26

That's brilliant news for you and your family...I am absolutely disgusted with the schools poor handling of the situation...your daughter will always remember that you believed her and took action! Thanks

SassitudeandSparkle · 12/10/2018 11:30

Brilliant news, OP (even if there may have been a slight name change fail there).

adognamedhog · 13/10/2018 08:05

We moved our child's school (primary) because of bullying. It was the best decision we ever made. We were so cross that it was us, and not the bullies, who had to go but hey ho. Interestingly, despite moving from an 'outstanding' and high achieving school to a normal one, my child's marks improved too.

LoniceraJaponica · 13/10/2018 08:43

Happy to see your update. I would make it very clear to the school why you are removing her. Go into detail of every incident, and highlight how it wasn't dealt with. Send it to the head of year, the person in charge of pastoral care, the head teacher and the chair of governors.

Bullying happens in every school. A good school doesn't brush it under the carpet, but acknowledges that it happens and deals with it effectively.

I have walked in your shoes and the long term effects of bullying are devastating.

Echobelly · 13/10/2018 13:32

So glad for you and her... onwards and upwards!

My DD (Y6) has decided she wants to go to a different school to most of her yeargroup, not that she's been unhappy, but she's not top of the social pile and fancied a change and I'm quite pleased as I did think if she went to that school there would be a big risk that the bullying girls would turn her current mates against her, as kids have a habit of turning against the 'weakest link' because then they're not on the bottom of the pecking order (and unless DD has a personality transplant, she'd never bully anyone, she just doesn't understand why someone would do it).

TooMuchToDo123 · 22/10/2018 23:45

So glad to find this thread!

Very similar situation except the bullying for DS...a very good school, older brother goes there, DS was always a super-confident child, I had no concerns before he started. His issue is loneliness. Only two friends went from his primary school and his new school split them up. So they are all with people they don't know. I did flag this up as an issue well before he started, but the school never replied.

My heart breaks for how sad DS has become and I am considering moving him to an "inferior" (if you go by Ofsted) school where most of his primary friends are.

I am undecided, but don't see how he can learn properly feeling so upset all the time...

Some of the replies to the OPs post have been helpful and just what I needed to read Smile. It's hard to contemplate removing your child from a school that is sought after and oversubscribed.

Hope all is still well, @cissyknowsbest56 @thatssobetty56

thatssobetty56 · 23/10/2018 08:34

Hi 👋
Ohhh your message hit me. The words ‘loneliness and sad’ just summed it up for me.
I showed my daughter it and she said ‘that’s me’.
We are now two weeks since my post.
We have applied to move her as her school have refused to move her to another class.
We have collected all of our paperwork together to move her (which then was lost by council 🙈) so we are now just waiting to hear that it’s all been processed.
DD has half term this week and she is able to laugh and have fun but the dread of next Monday is still there.
With us it has been the overwhelming saddness, loneliness and just watching the fun and sparkle drain from our daughter that has been so upsetting.
She has got off to a really bad and negative start that we don’t think she can claw her way back out of.
Fingers crossed she moves shortly to be with her friends that love her, accept her for who she is and to have fun whilst learning.
We couldn’t leave her there to fade.
I wish the best of luck with your decision. It’s knowing when enough is enough.
It’s not about being over protective parents to snowflakes but just knowing that this is not what’s best for your child. 5 years is a long time x
Sending you and him best wishes x

Growingboys · 23/10/2018 10:20

Well done OP. So glad to hear this.

Good luck to you and your DD for the second half of term.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/10/2018 10:25

That school has completely failed your poor DD. How can they live with themselves?

sashh · 23/10/2018 10:31

Please move her.

My parents not moving me is something that I struggle with 40 years later. I'm sure it had an impact on my education, I had a lot of time of sick that wasn't really necessary.

By VI Form I was so unhappy I became physically sick and had to be admitted to hospital. I still was not allowed to leave so spent upper VI wandering around town rather than attending lessons.

Even as an adult I would drive the long way round so that I didn't have to drive past my school.

Not all girls are suited to girls' schools.

Nothing I have had to cope with since has been anything like as bad as my school days. I say that as someone who became permanently disabled, suffers with mental health issues and has had huge debts.

user1andonly · 23/10/2018 11:47

Do you have to send her back after half term? Could you just withdraw her from the girls school and say you are going to home educate her until the place is available at the new school? I guess this might not be possible if you are at work full time but I'd want her out of there asap, poor love.

Flowers
thatssobetty56 · 23/10/2018 19:41

@user1andonly I’m seriously thinking about it.
We are all just hanging on for news this week.
@sassh goodness I’m so sorry to read what happened to you and the long term affects it has left you with.
I agree totally that not all girls are suited to all girls schools as she misses boy friends too x

Jutz · 23/10/2018 19:44

Get her out right away. Schools do form moves for this type of issue and the fact yours won’t means it doesn’t deal with bullying. The quality of the education she can receive will be totally negated by the personal damage inflicted by these nasty kids.

Jutz · 23/10/2018 19:47

OP have you considered the rest of this week as sick leave for her?
They are torturing her.

babybrain77 · 23/10/2018 19:57

Definitely think moving is the right call - children (in my experience, particularly girls) can be so terribly cruel at that age. I also wouldn't make her go back to the old school in the interim.

TooMuchToDo123 · 24/10/2018 13:34

@thatssobetty56 thanks for your lovely message and your good wishes.

Really hope your DD can transfer soon.

DS is undecided, but there are places at the other school so we are going to take it week by week and see how it goes. It's half term next week so he will have time to reflect then.

Starlight345 · 24/10/2018 20:54

Glad you are moving her . Hope transition goes smoothly

wiggyworm · 25/10/2018 14:28

Are u in Bucks by any chance ?

Knitwit101 · 25/10/2018 14:31

My heart says leave. Let her be happy with her best friends who are kind funny and love her

There's your answer. The school may be great but her mental health and well-being is the most important thing of all.

Knitwit101 · 25/10/2018 14:33

Sorry, i missed your update. You are doing the right thing. She must be so relieved.

thatssobetty56 · 12/11/2018 21:20

Hi all I just wanted to update you and thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to my post.
Finally today my daughter started at the new secondary school.
The whole process was quite long and drawn out. We had to get a statement from the head of where she was leaving, proof of our address, an old so,icitors letter, bank statement.
However today she started! She's back...my girl is back to smiling, laughing, sunny shiny girl is back!
She described it as 'coming home'.
It was most def the right decision and I'm so proud of her.
For anyone in our position..you know when they are fading away and are in despair. You know when it's time to take action. Her school was totally useless despite its outstanding ofsted..all bells and whistles. They could not have given a damn about her. It was only 7 weeks from when she started but we knew she needed to get out.
So I thank you all for your time, sharing your own experiences, and giving me the strength to push on.
I will always be grateful
X

SavoyCabbage · 12/11/2018 22:03

Oh how lovely. I’m so pleased for her. She will hardly remember she’s been to the other one soon. It’s just a bump in the road.

I also removed my child from an ‘outstanding’ school. It certainly makes you question whether you are doing the right thing somehow.

Laidbackorlazy · 13/11/2018 07:53

That’s great to read, delighted for her and you xxx

feathermucker · 13/11/2018 08:05

Move her. Her happiness and wellbeing is more important than academic achievements.

Trampire · 13/11/2018 08:20

Just found this thread on Active threads. So pleased you updated.

I'm so pleased for you and your dd who sounds lovely. You made a great decision.

I sent my eldest dd to a school where she had no Primary friends. It was her choice as well as mine. She was confident and happy in Y6. I was expecting her to flounce in and flourish immediately in Y7. It didn't happen.
She found friendships hard to break into. It took her a while to make any connections. I was desperately worried and I was lucky that she wasn't being bullied so I can only imagine how you felt OP.

After a month or so I contacted the school. They were really helpful and reassuring. They spoke to her, got to know her. Her Y7 tutor urged her to join the Y7 drama club. That was the key to it. There she found interesting friends that spanned the tutor groups. From there, she regained her confidence and went forward.

She's now in Y9 and very happy. She's currently in the lead role in As You Like It in a few weeks!

I think a PP summed it up when they said the measure of a school is how they respond to problems. 'kick a Ginger day' ffs?????

My ds just started Y7. He too had no-one from Primary there. I braced myself for difficulties, but I was lucky this time. Only after few lonely lunchtimes and he seems very happy. Joined drama club (after my dd recommended) and football club (playing football for the first time ever!).

I wish your dd all the best OP. Being happy is one of the best foundations for doing well. She obviously has a very supportive family behind her so I'm sure she'll flourish Thanks