DD13 and social media. What can I do? I now have parents at my door.

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

DD13 has issues which involve risk taking, immaturity and lack of gadging situations.

She loves her phone and enjoys snapchat and Instagram although we rarely get to see any of it because she is very guarded over her phone.

I know how bad that sounds and I deserve to be told to parent her and I do try but she has ODD amongst other things and it's a real pick your battles mind field, very draining and I feel bad enough about it all without being called out on here as well. I'm asking for help and advice.

It's come to light that DD is in with a few girls online that she allows herself to get pulled in with and long short of it is coming across as a bully. This is horrible and I hate it. Ive previously had parents at my door (understandable) and I've removed her phone for periods of time as punishment. This results in constant wars with her stealing other family gadgets (she has two other sisters) and wil go "missing" after school because "she doesn't have a phone"

A couple of nights ago she joined a live feed (I've no idea really what that is) and a parent told her to fuck off, she would drag her to the curb and called her a cunt. This is a parent that DD has been vile to, I punished her for it and things looked like they had sorted themselfpves out and I've not had any issues for ages since.

DD told me straight away, I think she wanted me to jump to her defence but I've explained that the parent, although very wrong is mad on behalf of her daughter because of how DD made her feel.

I want to take her internet access away. She is clearly not mature enough to be on it but her dad doesn't agree and it's his account that pays for the phone and all the internet etc. He thinks she needs one more chance but that's one more chance to bully someone else isn't it?

[BorisTrumpsHair]

Do your DD a massive favour and take her offline immediately. I'd be keeping her off it fir quite some time for her own good.

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

Nothing is easy with Instagram and snapchat is it? As little as I know it's seen and then gone with nothing for me to look at after the event?

If I could view DDs and others posts I could be confident in dealing with it all better.

I am going to take her phone this evening (she is now asleep but I'll set an alarm for 5am to avoid a midnight eruption from her) I'm then going to explain that I've taking it because of the adult parents behaviour as in I'm protecting her, she will probably refuse to go to school...

Thank you for letting me talk about it, I can't talk to anyone else.

[Bobbins43]

Take her phone from her now. Get the passwords/PINs changed or added onto all the other devices in the household so she can't use them. Better still, switch the router off at a certain time in the evening.

[endofthelinefinally]

Online bullying is a crime.
You need to ask your local community police officer to come and speak to your dh and your dd.
My ds and his friends indulged in a bit of silly behaviour at a similar age. Not anywhere near as serious as your situation. The local police officer came round and explained the implications of a criminal record.
It worked very well.

[Bobbins43]

Snapchat disappears but Instagram stays. But you can still take a screenshot with Snapchat. Get her accounts deleted too. Just remove access. And you need to tell her it's her behaviour too, not just the other parents response.

You should monitor her internet usage if she needs it for homework and it might be worth getting clued up on the different platforms and how they work

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

msgrinch report my thread or come and walk a week in my shoes p,ease, I could do with the break.

qwerty never felt as low as I do now so not needed to post about DD before.

endof the community and local police have played a part in dealing with DD before. Part of her ODD is not taking instruction from authority figures - especially has a problem with adult men and me I do have her on a list for 1:1 with a charity that may be able to help - I'll let them know, thank you.

[msgrinch]

Oh trust me I have.

[Crumbs1]

I agree remove her phone. I wouldn't wait until 5am and be tiptoeing around her. I'd take it now and if she explodes, so be it. She can strop all she likes but just stay firm. Pop it in a bath of water, if necessary. Absolutely no social media unsupervised. Make sure you have passwords for all accounts.
If you're worried about her not being able to contact you, give her a 'brick' that has pay as you go calls and texts and nothing else.
If she goes missing she needs grounding until she can tell the time and get back home within agreed curfew. If she's in a horrible gang, I'd be stopping her hanging around with them outside school.
Then I'd be contacting the abusive parent and asking what had precipitated her outburst towards a child. The answer would steer my next action.
If the gang are all bullying online, I would contact the other children's parents to agree an action plan. I'd also be speaking to the year head.

[Wolfiefan]

Why is her phone in her room at night?

[whatsthefuckingwrongwithyou]

Her ODD clearly needs treatment.

Being vindictive towards other children is an indicator that she might progress to conduct disorder, the precursor to ASPD or other personality disorders.

I don't think it's as simple as her simply falling in with a bad group, this behaviour is in line with her diagnosis.

I would be paying for private treatment at this point. She is at risk of injury from those angry parents and she is seriously damaging other children.

[jannier]

Posting a photo shopped porn picture with another child's head on Seriously I'm amazed the police have not been knocking on your door. The poor child that this has happened to may well be emotionally scared for life. I cant believe the punishment was 2 weeks without a phone no wonder she's running rings around you. She has put another child through hell and gets a 2 week wrap on the knuckles I cant believe your are serious.

[whatsthefuckingwrongwithyou]

Agreed. Photoshopping porn pictures isn't "immature" it's plain nasty.

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

It's an awful situation you're in Op, made worse by yourtwat unsupportive husband. My DD was on the receiving end of online bullying and the effect it had on her was heartbreaking so I understand the reaction of the other parent - I'm not condoning threatening a child but there were times when I could have lost it with the bullies , especially when it appeared their parents weren't trying to stop it.

I'd want to get to the bottom of why your husband isn't taking this seriously, you need to show a united front.

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

msgrinch then why the wind up comment? If you have been here can't you offer some advice or help along with every other reply? Or just report me.

[SemiNormal]

Bullying can have lasting effects, it can also lead to children killing themselves ... I'm sure you know all this which is why I find it disturbing you need to ask if you should remove her phone or not. I'm not having a go I'm just wondering how you got to this point whereby you are seemingly worried about discipline. Are you afraid of your daughter? My mum was afraid of my brother (with good reason) and so he got away with all kinds of shit. She really wishes she'd have come down on him much harder and much sooner. Do you have any other children at home and does her behaviour impact on them?

[msgrinch]

As i said... I have. I have no advice to give that other posters haven't and I will leave HQ to make a choice on this thread. As for your "fat girl porn" comments... Shame on you but I'm not biting any more than that on this.

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

Just to clarify DD didn't photoshop anything someone else did and she liked it. I'm not condoning that decision and it's still very wrong to involve herself.

I have to wait till 5am because she is a fight or flight risk, she could easily leave by trying to jump out of a window if I lock the doors downstairs, smash the house up and I have other children in the house that are sleeping and need to go to school in the morning, one doing her GCSE's. It is safer for DD if she kicks off at 7am when it's light then her leaving in the night.

I've asked for help and received it. I've tried private therapy and she refused to get out of the car for 6 sessions in a row, the therapist sat in the car and everything. ODD plus other things isn't easy but is not N excuse and I'm trying to do the right thing for everyone.

[fannyanddick]

I would tell her that either you take the phone away or she gives you full access to all her passwords etc

Explain about how everything we post on the internet stays there forever and things she posts as a rebellious teenager affect her future e.g. stop her getting a job etc. You are doing this to protect her, it is your duty to protect her and that you would be letting her down if you didn't. Also that you are the adults and you pay for it all so you can have access if you want. Then check her accounts regularly. Obviously don't comment or interfere on normal teenage chat but do if they is bullying etc.

[whatsthefuckingwrongwithyou]

Is social services involved? It sounds like she's dangerous at this point, to herself and others.

[contrary13]

OP, I feel for you, I really do - because you sound very similar to me, with my daughter a few years ago when she was your DD's age. Except my daughter doesn't have ODD, but diagnosed NPD and bipolar2. And the situation you have described sounds very like the start of her MH disorders starting to reveal themselves/develop.

My daughter was a bully. She still is, actually. She also had no friends at school because of the way she treated people. She was rude, she was nasty, she was violent, and my goodness but she was determined to have everything her own way, with absolutely no regard for anyone or anything else. She also couldn't see why I wouldn't automatically leap to her defence and why I actually took her Internet access and 'phone away from her, curtailed her social life...

She's 21 now and still has no friends, still can't understand why, still thinks if she physically throws her weight around she can get what she wants, when she wants it... and has been arrested five times in the last 17 months.

However. If this had ever happened when my daughter was a child:- "... the parent called my DD a cunt and said she would kick her to the curb if she sees her...", then to put it very simply I would be leaping to her defence.

An adult (presumably, if their child is of a similar age to yours) has physically threatened your daughter... and you're wondering whether or not you should remove your daughter's access to the Internet? Not about what happens when/if they do see your child and carry out their threat to seriously harm her?!

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

msgrinch I used comers to show it's their (the people that created it) mentality not mine. You have been no help at all.

semi yes, I'm scared of her and the outcome of her rages. She harms myself and her sisters and I wish I could be a better parent. As I've said above I've involved the police 999 when she rages or runs away, school, SS, outer agency's nothing is working. I'm worn down by her and being inprotection mode all the time.

[Floggingmolly]

Where is your DH in all this? You say she physically harms you and your other daughters? And he watches this and sees no reason for her to have any consequences, much less intervene?
That's frankly unbelievable

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

When her dad is home I have to leave him to deal with DD, she likes him and resents me. He will defend me and DC but it still happens.

contrary thank you for replying, I'm in tears, this will be us. I'm sorry you have to go through this as well. We are destined for this path for ever. Is there anything you can think of that I can do?

[SemiNormal]

OP you sound completely drained by it all, and I'm not surprised. What are weekends like, particularly for your other children - does this DD ruin any possible chance of nice outings and family time together? Have you considered foster care for one weekend a month just to give you all some head space? I know it seems like a big step but I think it's one that could benefit you all in the long run.

[MotherOfBleach]

However. If this had ever happened when my daughter was a child:- "... the parent called my DD a cunt and said she would kick her to the curb if she sees her...", then to put it very simply I would be leaping to her defence

I take it you've never had a child bullied?

I have. Three years later it's still effecting her. She self harms, suffers suicidal thoughts, has an ED, her self esteem is non existent, refuses school because she has panic attacks being around large groups of her peers. My baby girl is broken because some nasty little cunt decided to make her life for misery through jealousy.

I called that bully a cunt and worse, never to her face and I never threatened but by Christ it was tempting at times. I can well understand the parent's reaction.

OP - this needs fixing now for her own sake.

The ringleader of DD's bullying now has no friends, none at all. I still have all the screencaps of every single message she ever sent. It starts again, even one message, I'm bypassing the school this time and taking it straight to the Police.

Every parent has a snapping point, it sounds like DD has already pushed some of them to the edge. One of her victims parent's will go to the Police sooner or later.

Are SS involved?