Something happened on dd's school trip and unsure how to handle this

[Schooltrip]

Dd is 13yo and went on a residential foreign trip last week.

While away dh got a call from school telling him that a video had been made by a kid on the trip and in the video dd was being called names. School wanted us to know they were dealing with it, fair enough.

Dd is back and being a bit quiet about the whole thing. I've just got it out of her what happened.

She's in a bedroom, 6 girls sharing the room. Dd is getting changed and some of the girls are the other side of the room making videos on their phone. A boy comes into the room, against the rules as they were told no boys in the girls rooms, etc.

Dd is totally naked as this boy is in the room. According to dd the boy was staring at her and loudly calling her "bushy". Dd says she froze. This was caught on video.

Now dd hasn't seen the video and says she doesn't think she was on the video. But that the video shows the boy staring at her and calling her bushy.

The video was seen by kids back in the uk while the trip was still abroad. So I'm guessing was shared on Facebook.

My concern is that maybe dd was actually in the video!

Dd says she's getting teased a lot at school about it. Kids calling her bushy in the corridors, etc, talking about how this boy saw her naked.

School appparantly is deciding how much trouble the girls who made the video are going to be in and whether they're to be excluded or not. Dd is worried that these girls are in trouble and that they'll blame dd for it.


On top of this we had an incident yesterday where a boy shoved and kicked dd. its his second episode of violence towards her. The first time he reckoned it was an accident. . He tried saying it was an accident again but HOY according to dd was screaming at the boy that she didnt believe him. His parents have been contacted and he's been told if he does it again he'll be excluded. School haven't contacted us about this at all.

Earlier on in the year dd was hit round the head with a chair in a lesson and I went nuts at the school. Wrote a two page letter copied to the head and governors asking how they felt they were safeguarding my dd and that if there was further violence to dd that I'd contact the police if I felt the school didnt take it seriously.

In year 7 dd was also attacked by a girl who was temporarily excluded after that.

So I think school may already feel that I'm one of "those parents" as I can't imagine my letter went down well. Obviously my priority is to dd. who wants it forgotten about.

I need to contact the school don't I to try and get any more details on what was in the video? And then what? Nothing?

[DesmondIsMyConstant]

I agree with phoning the police. I called the police earlier this year about an incident in school that involved my 13yr old dd. I didn't feel the school were taking it seriously and the police were great.

They have the school the kick they needed to take things seriously and were very supportive to us.

I think due to the video the police should be involved. Good luck, hope you get it all sorted. I really feel for your dd.

[littleducks]

I agree about calling the police. You don't have to press charges but I think they would be fat better placed to investigate this. They could find out correct info or if the videos are stored anywhere or able to be copied and worse case scenario have the parts to get any copies removed or destroyed.

[WandaDoff]

I'd move her.

Kids can be awful creatures & all this will follow her about for the rest of her time there.

Not fair on her at all, but a fresh start in a new school would probably be the best thing for her.

As for the school, ask for a meeting with the Head & HOY & find out as much as you can.
If you aren't happy about the way they are dealing with it then I'd get the police involved.

[idontlikealdi]

I went on a school trip once as a helper (DH is a teacher and I got to ski very very cheaply - had to have a CRB check so all above board).

A boy was caught in the girl's bedroom - he had pulled his pants down and sat on her bed wiping his bum on it thinking it was hilarious.

He was flown home and temporarily excluded - these children need to be appropriately punished.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I'd call the police, as the possibility of your child having been caught undressed on camera is one you want to know for sure either way, and they should take it seriously. Ring the non-emergency number of 101 for the police and ask to talk this over with someone. Don't think that you are making a fuss, You aren't.

If for any reason you can't bring yourself to call the police, call the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000, and ask their advice.

I sincerely hope no footage was taken of your DD, but someone (perhaps the police, perhaps the NSPCC) needs to talk to the school about protecting the children in their care, as they are clearly shit about it.

Write down everything you have been told about it (even the contradictory bits, if there are any).

Don't be in the slightest bit shy about being a PITA. This of all occasions is one where it is warranted.

[VestaCurry]

Completely agree that you need to involve the police. Schools are generally desperate to keep a lid on this kind of thing and that's exactly what should not happen in this case. The school is not controlling behaviour, and the behaviour is extremely serious.

Your poor dd, the whole catalogue of incidents is appalling. I'm sorry I haven't had time to read the whole thread but if you can start talking now to other schools, please do.

Good luck

[Schooltrip]

Ok, am seriously in impressed by the conversation with The deputy head I've just had.

Firstly, they didnt know about this before today. The earlier contact about a video was something else. Dd never told them about a boy seeing her naked. The deputy head had been on the trip and said they had problems with kids using their phones/social media in appropriately and they were delt with "seriously". Phones were removed from offenders, images deleted, etc. he says there were no images of dd naked that he saw at this point. He says that these offenders have had a very uncomfortable time at school since their return and are still "being delt with"

He says that kids these days are learning to deal with social media and sometimes get it wrong, etc.

He apologised for the fact this boy went in the girls room. He's going to pull the boy out of lessons now and speak with him. Double check about any images.

He suggests on future trips that dd might want to change in the loo rather than in the bedroom like most other kids. I am a bit but at the same time realise that if boys are going to burst into the girls rooms then its probably sensible. The deputy said that short of sitting in the corridor all evening they can't enforce the no opposite sex in the room rule.

[HmmAnOxfordComma]

Op, is that supposed to say unimpressed because I honestly think that's a shockingly poor response.

My child would not step foot in that school again.

That behaviour is not normal, nor is school's response to it.

[Zimtschnecke]

I'd not be happy about the DHT. He may be good at talking but basically put some blame on your daughter. Why should she be changing in the loo when everyone else doesn't?
Not good enough.
I'd expect your daughter to get a written apology from the girls who took the video or pictures and made them public.

And even then i'd consider moving her, because that sort of thing, if it gets out and around the school and causes people to tease her in the corridor will damage her self esteem at a very vulnerable time.

[FeministStar]

I think you need to make some phone calls:

1. The police
   
2. OFSTED - it's a safeguarding issue
   
3. Other local schools to find a new one
   

I'm sorry that your daughter had to go through this.

[LIZS]

Your poor dd. Is deputy going to contact you again once he has spoken to the boy ? There are several issues here one that the no opposite sex in each others' rooms rule was flaunted, the bullying and apparent encouragement of the girls (wouldn't most have bundled him straight out of the door ?), and the use of gadgets and recording of video in the bedrooms. None of this is acceptable in any context and all needs to be addressed with the children/parents and action taken to ensure it cannot recur on future trips. If you do not receive prompt feedback to your satisfaction complain in writing to head and governors and involved Oftsed and/or police.

[Schooltrip]

Yy, unimpressed. Sorry autocorrect.

Deputy head said he thought most others did get changed in the bathroom.

[LIZS]

They may well do , but 6 girls using one bathroom within a tight time frame means it may not always be that easy. The bedroom should have been a safe place to change, and it wasn't . No different to a pe or swimming pool changing room - recording video, taking pictures and members of opposite sex are not usually acceptable there either.

[trice]

I would call the police. The school are victim blaming. Change in the toilets fgs.

[IvyBeagle]

Is he trying to blame your daughter? I would ask the police for their advice.

[Jenni2legs]

He says that these offenders have had a very uncomfortable time at school since their return and are still "being delt with"

I don't really like the idea of kids being made 'uncomfortable' as a punishment - it should be to the point, such as exclusion, parents being called, detention, rather than a slow boil of 'being dealt with'.

[HeleneCixous]

I have a dd of 10 and a ds of 15 and if this happened to either of them I would want the police involved. I agree with everyone else, the school's response is completely unacceptable.

[Twitterqueen]

Definitely phone the police. Absolutely. Now.
I would hope they would visit the boy and his parents at his home and let him know how totally unacceptable this behaviour was.

The school also needs to perhaps arrange a visit either by a police officer or a specially trained advisor to give a talk on the perils of Internet sex.

Personally, I wouldn't move schools as this kind of thing follows you around, and I think if she stays where she is and gets the support of police & school there is no need to move.

I think your DD would want to see strong evidence of support from you on this one.

[notapizzaeater]

I can't believe he didn't know all the details,if he was there. I presume there are strict rules In school about this sort of thing so why are they different when away.

I'd be going higher /police/Ofsted

[Mabelface]

Also inform the school that Snapchat doesn't just disappear into the ether - Snapchat keep the images. I would be going nuclear now, speaking to the police, the LEA and Ofsted.

[darksideofthemooncup]

I agree with the above posters, definitely looks as though there is an element of victim blaming. It is highly unacceptable to suggest your Dd changes in the bathroom. It is also utterly wrong to say that they cannot enforce the no opposite sex in rooms rule. What were the adults doing to allow that behavior to go on? I would seriously be considering the police and Ofsted. Your poor Dd and you it must be horrible to have to deal with this

[Schooltrip]

Thanks for all the advice.

I'll talk to dh this evening and then see about contacting the police. My only slight reluctance in contacting the police is that dd is really upset about it and says she doesn't want to talk about it and wants to forget it.

I'm worried about upsetting her further.

[Toomanyhouseguests]

I'd raise holy hell.

You have every right to demand answers and action. I agree that you should report this to the police if you aren't satisfied.

I also agree that changing schools might be a good idea, depending what your options are. None of it is your dd's fault, but she might be relieved to have a fresh start.

[Ionacat]

Completely agree, phone the police. I would be making an appointment to see the head. I would want to know what is happening to the boy and the other one who assaulted her. It's not the fact that he saw her naked - unfortunately these things happen and the deputy head is right to a certain extent but then to bully her about it is completely unacceptable. Most teenage boys would have or should have legged it out of the room normally turning bright red and it never mentioned again. Exclusion and parents called in.

I've worked at a school with a poor reputation for behaviour but all the incidents you've described would lead to inclusions and exclusions and meetings with their parents before they are allowed back in class. Also some of the behaviour you described would in some schools lead to permanent exclusions. It seems like the school has a bullying problem and instead of confronting it are sweeping it under the carpet. You are certainly not that parent and in most schools, SLT would be doing everything to placate you in the hope that you wouldn't phone Ofsted.