school refusal

[rainsuncloud]

My DS started secondary school in September, was ok for first term, but then they changed some classes around and he wasn't with anyone he knew, he has as and found the change very hard to deal with. Since then his anxiety has become very bad and he doesn't trust the Teachers as they keep saying things to help him, but arn't totally true, or doesn't happen. He is now petrified of school and feels he doesn't have any friends and that no one likes him, he has been off a lot, due to not being able to phsicially get him into school. He gets hysterical and has panic attacks and gets himself in such a state and is shaking all over. He has been forced into school and the Sen teachers were helping, but have now been told not to help force him in, as they literally had to help me get him out of the car. I have seen a doctor and he has been referred to Camhs. DS wants to be home schooled, but I am unsure and nearly everyone I speak to is against it. Any one got any suggestions to help please. The Teachers do say that he is ok once he is in school, but he says he is still petrified, but just has to put up with it and shakes through some of the lessons.

[toddlerama]

If he wants to be home educated then you are in a good position to try it out. Could you give him a term or so to prove to you that he will work independently and make an effort to go to say 2 activities a week with his peers? On the proviso that this is a bargaining position and means he doesn't have to attend full days 5 days a week he might feel better about doing it and less 'forced' iyswim? I welled up at the thought of him locking the car doors. He is obviously desperately anxious and I don't think you should force him. He isn't saying he doesn't want to learn/socialise. Just not in this context. After he's been out a while, you might find that he is able to articulate what the problems are and you can tackle them together more effectively. Home Ed doesn't have to be a permanent decision - lots of people use it as a breather.

[LynetteScavo]

I'm glad things wen't well with CAHMS.

I know what you mean about the going in one day and not another, and the not being able to explain why. And the locking car doors. This was one of DSs favorite tricks.

Enjoy the weekend. You really do have two days rest. (Don't even start to think about Sunday night yet!)

[rainsuncloud]

Thank you LynetteScavo, We will try and enjoy the weekend.

Does anyone know if you can apply for a statment while home educating, or will DS need to be in school to apply for a statement. And then once got a statement if DS can get one that is, go back to school or apply for another school?

[rainsuncloud]

Thank you Maryz I will post my question again on the Special Needs Board. Thank you for the thread, I have found out through Mumsnet that there are so many children in the same boat as my ds. I can't find the link posted by Insanity?

[rainsuncloud]

Hi thank you for the information and the leaflet looks really useful. Saw man from Cahms and he thinks ds needs a statement to help him in school, but I have found out today that he said that unofficially as they arn't allowed to say if they think a child needs a statement and I was hoping he would back me up at school, as they seemed to be against this. They think that as DS looks ok in school that he is ok. I have another meeting with Senco tomorrow to see what they can put in place to help him get back into school. And have been told to given DS choices, 1 going to school or something else that isn't as nice as school?? Any ideas????

[LynetteScavo]

"And have been told to given DS choices, 1 going to school or something else that isn't as nice as school?? Any ideas????"

So, say someone is really, really scared of doing something (insert fear) you tell them that if they don't to that thing something even worse will happen (insert something horrible) so the person then does the thing they are very scared of. Every day. Imagine what will eventually happen. The person may eventually discover the thing they are scared of ins't so bad (unlikely if it's something they have been doing for ages anyway!) or have a complete break down.

I was told by CAHMS to make DS work at home, in a very strict, un-fun way. What they didn't seem to understand was, that to DS, that was far preferable than going to school.

Basically what MaryZ said.

[rainsuncloud]

Hi We tried the Choices and backfired, couldn't get him out of the house. Had meeting at school, saying that maybe we should try another school and that DS is manipulating my DH and myself, because he went in for 1 day, so they thnk he decided when to go in and when not to go in. Can't win really. Senco doesn't think he needs a statement and looks like we are going to have to fight for everything, including a Educatinal Psychiologist, DS keeps pulling his hair and saying he doesn't want to live. Senco also said that they thought he wasn't doing any work at home, which I had a pile of it for them to mark, but I wish I took copies as proof of his work, I am hoping I can get it all back, as they may lose it all and claim they haven't received it. THey are going to try and get him support for the 2 hours a day he is in, but I won't hold my breath.

[AtYourCervix]

the thread Maryz linked to is mine. i have very very similar problems with DD2. She is 13 and has AS (diagnosed last year). always had a problem going to school, just hates it.

(Forgive me if i have already posted this before - i lose track!)

for DD things cam to a head again, going back to school after christmas. I refuse to force her any more. it does none of us any good and DD is miserable.

My meeting with school was OK. the also tried the 'you could home ed her' and 'have you thought of a different school' but neither of these are options. well, home ed could be but only as a very final solution. changing schools would make no difference and it would probably be even worse.

So - DD is going in for whatever lessons she can bring herself to go to. she didn't go in at all yesterday but went in all afternoon today. School have agreed this for now.
hang on, i'll have another think.

[AtYourCervix]

the school have referred her to the EWO and I have asked the GP to refer back to camhs.

she was ust on school action.

school say there is no chance of being seen by an educational psychologist. she'd only get seen if she had a statement. which she doesn't. and because she is bright and academically ok, and not failing at school action plus (after 6 months) they won't ask for statutory assessment and a statement.

I know I could apply for that, but I'm not sure about it. I suspect it would take the 2 years she has left in school before anything would be in place.

[AtYourCervix]

and OH MY GOD is it frustrating and painful and stressy and horrible.

it has to be said though. she is happier now than the days when we aargue and battle for 2 hours every morning to get her there.

i have to keep repeating like a mantra..

It isn't important. She can do what she wants later. She will be fine.

[AtYourCervix]

choices???? DD doesn't do choices. they send her into a tizz and make it worse.

[rainsuncloud]

My DS is 11 and in year 7, they still expect me to get him in tomorrow and he is already stressing and not wanting to go, I have received an email saying that they will have support for him in the 2 lessons that he is expected to go in, but I don't know if that wil help him to go in. My birthday on Thursday, I feel like cancelling it until all this is over if it ever will be. I would like to try and let him be happy, but as they have got the support for him for the 2 lessons that he is in, I think I should try and get him in somehow. How long will it go on.

[AtYourCervix]

I know everyone is different but having dragged DD into school every single day for 10 years I cannot describe the relief when I suddenly decided not to. That's not to say I am not doing it with gritted teeth but just not forcing her has taken the pressure off.

Tomorrow morning (like every morning) I will get up at 7. Wake up DD1, then go in to DD2 and tell her the time and ask her if she is going. I don't get into a conversation about it. Just announce 'It is 7 o clock. are you getting up?

She knows that if she is going in she needs to get up then. I then go downstairs and feed the cat/dogs and put the kettle on.

I have got to the point where I actually don't care (well, not as much) if this goes on for the next 2 years. If she is able to get up and go, that is fine. If not, that is fine too. If she doesnt go I call her again after DD1 has gone at about 8.15 (and again at 8.30).

How long school will be agreeable to this, I also don't care. They have been crap and not given her any help so I think it is not up to them to hassle us.

I assume at some point the Educational Welfare Officer will be in touch. I sincerely hope they are a bit more use than school have been. Whether I will be able to get some sort of home tuition for her, or on-line schooling, or something else, we shall see.

But Overall. I am not forcing her. If she is stressed out about it Iwill tell her she doesn't have to go. It is not worth her happiness.
You know what/.. Bollocks to school. Plan something nice for your birthday. Don't let them spoil it.

[AtYourCervix]

DD went in this afternoon, but has been so unutterably vile all evening I dread to think what happened. She hasnt said. maybe it would be easiest to say fuckit alltogether. but i just dont know about alternatives. i will do some more phoning tomorrow.

[rainsuncloud]

Maryz - do you home school now? The school have put in place some extra support in lots of his lessons. He still felt he couldn't go in this morning, and we had a terrible time at a meeting with Senco, with her and me argueing and ds hearing and him losing it with her, which he never has done before. He was so upset and sticking up for me. I told him he doesn't need to stick up for me, but he was so angry with her, as he is petrified of her as well.

DS did say he will try and go in tomorrow, hopefully he may try.

[rainsuncloud]

Oh my goodness, you have been through it, my problems don't seem like anything compared to what you have been through. I could home school and DS seems to like working at home. But I really think he just wants to make friends, but can't, because he can't go to school. I worry about his older brother, he is only a year older and I think if DS was home schooled, I think he would want to as well and I don't think I could, as I think he would be teaching me (especially Maths).

[rainsuncloud]

DS1 has done clubs in the past and still goes to basketball and going back to tennis soon. DS2 with his anxiety doesn't go to any clubs and I really don't think he would go. When he was younger he did go to gymnastics, but then DS1 stopped and they changed the days and different coaches and different Children and we had a tremendous time as he was desperate to go in, but just couldn't do it, the same sort of thing. Everytime I said OK we will go home he would get hysterical because he was desperate to go in the gym, but just couldn't force himself. I am looking into archery, but haven't been able to find anything in my area. I am sure there must be some somewhere, may be when the weather gets warmer. DS2 hasn't been to school all week, tried everyday.

Seen man from Cahms today, and he has given him a choice that if he won't go to this school he will have to change to another school, as he has to go to school. we'll see on Monday.