rainsuncloud - I sympathise! My son (ASD traits, Tourettes, OCD, social anxiety) is also refusing to go to school. This is the third time in three years that he has done this. You mention home education: in the last year of primary school, I took DS1 out of school because he was so unhappy, had him signed off school with stress and anxiety and home educated him (I didn't deregister though, so kept the support of the system). The advantage of this was that he was not under stress anymore, we learned stuff together and we enjoyed spending time together. The disadvantage was that he spent an awful lot of time on the computer (he would spend every waking hour on the computer if I let him), wasn't getting enough exercise and didn't have a social life. I tried to get him out for walks or to swim, but he wouldn't go and he wouldn't join any classes. All he wanted to do was stay at home, where he felt safe. Another disadvantage was that I had no time to myself at all. I was trying to do freelance work, but it became increasingly difficult to do that and supervise DS1 on his work (if I didn't, he would play 'Minecraft', his favourite game).
He is now at secondary school (Year 7) and he managed one term, but with increasing absences and many panicky text messages to me during the school day, poor thing. We had an EWO help him to settle in (lots of visits to school before the new term and so on) and he was allowed to go and sit with his house assistant whenever he felt unable to stay in a lesson, which happened at least once a day.
However, he has only been back for two days since the start of this term .
I'm really sorry your son's school are not helping more, rain - it sounds as if they could be doing much more. They really don't sound great, to say the least - the SENCO sounds awful (arguing with you ). We had a rubbish SENCO at DS1's primary school and it has had an adverse effect right the way through his education so far (eg, she would never, ever refer him to an educational psychologist in spite of all his needs). You say the teachers say things to help your DS that aren't totally true: I remember my son noticing that teachers didn't always follow through with their promises at primary school and it meant he then distrusted them so much that he couldn't face school at all. It was the worst thing they could have done.
If you don't trust or respect the school (and I really don't like the sound of that bullying that your son's friend is suffering), then I think taking your son out of school whilst you look for another school is a good option. However, I would be loathe to deregister him as you will then lose the support of the system. Better to have him signed off with stress/anxiety if possible.
One reason I am still trying to get DS1 back to his school is that I have been so impressed by the care shown to him by his teachers. If I had an element of doubt about them or thought my son was being bullied, I would not be thinking like this. My own attitude to the situation at the moment is this: I would like DS1 to go to the local secondary school because he is entitled to that education and it makes me angry to think that he could be denied that as a result of his special needs. It will 'take a village' to get him there though: DS1 has me to support, research and advocate for him; a psychiatrist (for medication and advice); a CBT therapist (to treat the anxiety/OCD); and is in a special needs' group at school. I am hoping that the combination of medication, CBT and a gradual approach to returning to school will succeed. I am going to ask school to provide him with an 'exit card' so that he can leave lessons whenever he wants (asked for one before he started at the school and they said no - not their finest moment, but they have been better about other things).
If this doesn't work, I will request education from the LA, which he is entitled to by law. I am considering seeking a statement for him. If none of that works and I really can't keep him in the system, I have done research into internet schools such as Interhigh and will do my best to provide him with access to non-academic subjects such as PE and drama. (I haven't told him that though!). I do wonder if he just needs a couple of years out of the school system and could go back for Year 9, when GCSE options kick in.
I am loathe to forgo the support of the 'system' though, which is what you do when you deregister your child from school.
It is incredibly stressful, I know. I try not to worry too much about the future, but I am mindful of it. I take each day as it comes.
I also have a second son. Naturally, he asked to be home educated when DS1 was off school, so your other son is bound to ask too. Whenever DS2 (6) has a bad day at school, he asks again. However, he does not have the needs that my other son has and he is generally OK at school. I have explained to him that DS1 gets 'ill' and needs time off school, which he seems to accept.
Sorry for this mammoth post. It means a lot to me to find someone else in the same position. Keep us posted.