What do we do now? :(

[ktbabe]

Hello, I registered on this site after finding it on google...hoping some of you more knowledgeable people can help me. sorry if this gets long.


My daughter is in year 7 at our local secondary school. When she was in year 6 at primary she got bullied quite bad...to the point where she developed an eating disorder. it mostly stemed from childish kids calling her fat (she is very thin, even before the eating disorder) and ugly etc etc.

We chose her current high school as it is the only one in our area, the other schools are at least 3 miles away. all are easily reachable as both myself and my husband drive, there is also a regular bus service every 15 minutes. I selfishly chose the local high school (which is an academy) solely because it was closer and thought it would make family life easier if she could walk...a choice im living to regret.


She joined her current school and much to my dismay, so did the 'bullies'. First 10 days or so were fine, then i got a call off a neighbour to say she had been pushed in front of a car on the main road. THANKFULLY she was fine and escaped with just a bruised elbow.

The school did seem to sort this incident out as the 2 boys who did this havent even spoke to her since.

From then until now, she has not only had her school equipment damagaed/stolen (eg: had 'retard' wrote on her blazer with tipex, spat on etc), but she is also getting the 'fat and ugly' name calling again. Needless to say her eating disorder has started to creep back in, she hates going to school (i now drive her even though its at the end of our road), spends all of her time alone...and her work has slipped (oh she is in the top set for english maths and science). Every single time she makes a new friend, one of the 'bullies' tells the new friend they shouldnt be friends with my daughter as she smells/is fat/ugly/a gypo (u get the idea).

Just before christmas the school called me to say she had been caught stealing a slice of pizza from the canteen. NOT like her at all. She gave the 'i was hungry and lost my lunch' excuse. I found out off my daughter 2 days ago she did that because she had been throwing her lunch away but after 3 days of not eating it got too much so she stole food as she had none.

I have spoken to the head of year 3 times about this issue. It seems to be the same 5/6 kids who are making her so unhappy. The same kids also were the ones that gave her hell at primary school.

We have now decided to put in a transfer after the last contact last week with the head of year i wasnt happy with her response. that these 'bullies' have home and school issues themselves.....and that they are going to keep my daughter inside during breaks/lunch and let her walk home 10 minutes earlier than the rest of the children 'for her own safety'...im not happy with her being cut off from the rest of the school when she has done nothing wrong. Yesterday the head of year had my daughter and also 3 of these children in a room together to try sorting out the issues. Of course everything was fine in the room with the kids promising to get along or stay away from each other....until the end of school day when it all started again.

We went and looked at 4 other high schools in out area. One is awesome (with spaces for year 7) but it is a 10 mile trip which we cannot do. The other 3 schools are all within 3.5 miles but none have apparently have any year 7 spaces.

Where do we go from here? :( do we have any options or does she just have to make with the current school shes at?

Many thanks if you have read this far!

[Bonsoir]

Why can't you do the 10 mile trip to the school you like and that has spaces?

[nikki1978]

If things are this bad I would go for the 10 mile option to be honest. Or could you HE her for a while until a space comes up closer to home?

[ktbabe]

We cant do the 10 mile trip as in all fairness we cannot afford it. The bus is £4.50 a day, which would be fine if she was an only child but we have our other children to think about also. Paying for the diesel would be more expensive each week. (oh and it is 10 miles TO the school and 10 miles back, which would be 40 miles of diesel a day to take her and pick her up).

[Hassled]

The school seems to have behaved appallingly - have you seen a copy of their Anti-Bullying Policy (it should be on the website, or the office will give you a paper copy)? If I were you, I'd be going through it to see how many times they failed to stick to the policy, and then contact the Chair of Governors with a full account. Your DD shouldn't have to leave early - the bullies should have to leave late. They need a rocket up their arse - they've failed in their duty of care to provide a safe environment for your daughter.

Does your school have a Parent Support Advisor? Again, the office will know and can give you a contact number. The PSA will work with a cluster of schools in the area and may be able to help re getting her into one of the full schools, if you really really can't do the 10 mile trip. The other person to try is the Educational Welfare Officer - they're normally known for dealing with truants etc, but they would give advice in a case like this.

[LadyGlencoraPalliser]

Your poor daughter, that sounds awful. First of all, it is probably too late now, but any incident like the pushing in front of the car one could and SHOULD be reported to the police. The school won't want you to do that, but trust me it will focus their minds on dealing with the issue. I have a friend whose daughter went through a very similar experience which the school dealt with using similar strategies to those your school are using (moving the victim into a different teaching group while leaving the bullies where they were). Her biggest regret is that she didn't involve the police when the bullying got physical.
Personally, I think I would change schools ASAP. If the more distant one isn't a possibility, put her name on the waiting lists at the others and then get hold of the Local Authority's parent adviser and tell them you will be withdrawing your child from school unless they sort out a transfer. You need to shout and stamp your feet a lot to get heard.
That's just my experience btw and I am sure that more helpful people will be along, but in my opinion once a school has let a child down that badly, a fresh start is really the best option.

[MissAnneElk]

Is the 10 mile trip really impossible? It sounds like a good solution to me. My friends DD had a major problem at her secondary school. They moved house (drastic, I know) and school. The new school was only about 3 miles from the old one and there were some concerns that it wasn't far enough away from the problem. It did all work out in the end though happily. Has your DD had any counselling? This helped my friends DD as although her parents knew mist of what was going on they suspected they weren't being told everything. FWIW I don't think your DDs school is handling this very well. If possible fir you I think you should take her out of school straight away.

[ktbabe]

Thank you for your replies.

The police did get involved with the car incident as the female driver was badly shaken up and called them. The spoke to the boys parents and both boys were also put in a school seclusion for one week(where they stay in one room all day with a teacher and go to school 10am-4pm instead of the usual 8.30 - 3pm).

I am going to find out today if the school has a PSA i can speak to and maybe get some help.

I havent seen a copy of the anti bullying policy so maybe that is another thing to look into.

[MissAnneElk]

Cross posts - I type too slowly! Have you asked the closer schools if they have waiting lists and how long they are? Have you contacted the LEA? It's possible under the circumstances that your DD would be put on a waiting list as a priority.
I also agree that the police should be involved in incidents like pushing your DD into the road.

[CrosswordAddict]

You needed a fresh start when you left primary school. IMO you should have taken the chance to go to a different school from these bullies at that point. However, given the present situation I should move on and move on quickly. Your daughter should not have to put up with being isolated at lunch/break. That's like a detention when she has done nothing wrong. It seems as if the school are admitting they cannot guarantee her safety if they are letting her out early. My sympathy to you and your daughter btw.
I'd probably go for that good school with the ten-mile drive. Also you are lucky to have three other schoolS within 3.5 miles so put her NAME down for them, someone is bound to leave and places will come up in the near future. Meantime, fill up the car and get down to that fab school you looked at. If your daughter likes it she may want to stay though, so be prepared for a lot of travelling! The present school need a good shake-up IMO.

[ktbabe]

One school who i emailed to check if there was any year 7 spaces available replied with...

"Good afternoon,
I am sorry but we do not have any spaces at all in Year 7.
We do not have a waiting list. The list for Year 7 closed on the 17th December 2010. However, if you wish to pursue an application you can apply via the LEA and they will offer you the chance for an Appeal to be heard. This takes a couple of weeks to organise but the decision is yours. "

Another replied

"Hello,

Thank you for your enquiry but I?m afraid we are oversubscribed in Year 7. The best thing to do would be to contact A* M at the Local Authority on number here* and he can advise you of your options.

Sorry to not be of more help at this time."

(deleted name and number details as wasnt sure if i was allowed to put these)

The other school didnt reply but i called the LEA who said there was no spaces there either :(

[Rafaella]

I wouldn't go for the 10 mile away school - your DD is only in yr 7 so that would mean 7 more years of a difficult and expensive journey. Also when she does make friends they won't be local which will cause more problems as she gets older.
I'd put her on the waiting list for the nearer schools - with 3 to choose from a space will come up very quickly as (at a v rough estimate) only 1 child out of 540 will have to move away to free up one space.
If your DD knows you are taking action and she will be moving as soon as possible that might help her get through what sounds like a dreadful situation.

[CrosswordAddict]

Well, that's a bit of a challenge then isn't it?
Try the LEA today before they nip off early (well, it IS Friday isn't it?)
Keep your spirits up, don't let your daughter know you are really concerned about it all. Do something nice tomorrow together. Keep up morale.
As I said before, go and look at that fab school 10 miles away. What about sharing lifts? Go down there and get your situation known. They probably would like to have someone who is in set 1 for eng/maths/science. They may have someone who can help out with transport.
Then go down to your present school again and make a fuss. They probably won't like you for being difficult but that's what Mums are for, isn't it? The school are happy to let things run on as they are, it seems to me?
Please post again to let me know how you get on today.

[Lancelottie]

KT -- I think at least one of the schools has misunderstood your email, and thinks you are asking about a place for the 2011 Yr 7 intake (for which applications have closed). Be worth emailing back to check if they have places in CURRENT year 7.

[ButterPieify]

can you possibly HE till a place comes up?

[CrosswordAddict]

Lancelotti I agree with you. This did cross my mind too. I think they are talking about the NEXT YEAR 7. They wouldn't put a recorded voice message just for the odd one or two children who want to change would they?
KT I really would e-mail or even phone and try to speak to someone at the LEA. Explain the matter to them and try to get a sensible reply.

[PositiveAttitude]

If the school is oversubscribed for the current year 7, it HAS to have a waiting list. I also think they have misunderstood you. Worth a call to get this sorted and get your DD on all the waiting lists asap.

[senua]

It is the squeakiest wheel that gets the oil. Sad fact of life, but what are you going to do.

Complain, complain and complain some more. Don't stop until they are so fed up with you that they do something about it. Stick to proper procedure or they will fob you off. You have to exhaust proper procedure at each level (school, LEA etc) before the next level will help you. If you don't know what proper procedure is, then ask them (or MN).

Meanwhile, what are you doing at home to make life better. Is she involved in clubs and societies. Do you have friends round to tea? Can she walk to school with a group from your road?

[prh47bridge]

PositiveAttitude - No, I'm afraid the school doesn't have to have a waiting list. The waiting list for Y7 only has to be held until the end of the Autumn term. In any case, unless it is a faith school or an academy the LA would hold the waiting list, not the school. And regardless of who holds the waiting list you apply to the LA for places.

ktbabe - You do, of course, have the option of appealing for a place at these schools. That may be worth pursuing.

[senua]

Oh, and make dated notes of everything.

[LondonMother]

I think you should appeal to get a place at one of the three local schools. I sat (briefly) on an appeals panel many years ago and we directed the LEA to allow a child into one school for very similar reasons to yours. I don't know if the law/guidance has changed but I think if you set out what you have said here and get confirmation from the primary head, all the correspondence you have over the recent incidents, your GP, anyone else professionally qualified who has written you/would write you a letter with some bearing on this.

Your daughter deserves better than this, and I agree that the school should be keeping the bullies back, not sending her home early.

[WantToFeelLikeAPrincess]

Once you get the school sorted out, I would look into a year of boosting your whole families self esteem/worth, to avoid this happening again.

[prh47bridge]

The response of your daughter's current school is totally inadequate. She shouldn't be the one being kept in at lunchtime and breaks, nor should she being sent home early.

If you go to an appeal panel with evidence that your daughter is being bullied (the more evidence the better) and the lack of effective action from the school, couple that with the fact that the nearest alternative place is 10 miles away and I think you have a reasonable chance at appeal. There are no guarantees, of course, but it is certainly worth trying.

[PositiveAttitude]

prh47, I stand corrected, but am I correct in thinking that the LA have to have waiting lists for each school that is oversubscribed, which is what I had meant, not the school being in control of the list, IYSWIM. Its certainly the case with our LA.

[prh47bridge]

This is where the regulations are a little odd! The regulations say that the LA doesn't have to keep a waiting list beyond the end of the Autumn term. However, they also say that the LA is responsible for in-year admissions. Personally I can't see how the LA can administer in-year admissions correctly if they don't keep a waiting list. Maybe I'll find out one day!

[CrosswordAddict]

London Mother you are right. School should keep the bullies back, not send daughter home early. Anyway, isn't one child walking on her own rather vulnerable?
Want to Feel I agree with you. This young lady needs boosting up - high self-esteem is a guard against abuse/bullying of all kinds.
Senua you are right too - the squeakiest wheel gets the oil.
The school are at fault - they could be more pro-active. Also make the LEA take their share of the responsibility. The LEA must know whether these schools have spaces or not. What about children who move into the area from outside? The LEA has to make provision for them surely? Good luck.