Affair~is the truth always best? urgent advice please

[nearlyyy]

ok
I know many will hate me, but I am trying to put things right so please bear with me.
I have had a relationship with a married man. It has ended. His wife has been in contact with me and I have answered her questions, and actually she really feels for me, and we are on reasonable terms because I have told her the truth. Her husband won't talk to her about it, and won't tell her the truth about anything much. Her husband has lied and cheated even during their counselling session when he was asking to meet me.

She is at the point where she has asked him to move out. He says he wants to make it work with her, although doesn't want to stop contact with me.

I just want advice really, I am going to stop all contact, but his wife keeps texting me, asking me questions and wanting the truth.

I know there will be many opinions, but I just want to know whether I should tell her the whole 'affair story' as she wants, she will never get it from him, or shall I just leave alone? Leave her to work out what kind of man he is and live with what little information she has already.....??? Maybe they have something to rebuild on what she knows. She wants answers and wants them today.

I hope WWIFN will give her opinion on whether a wife really always needs to know the whole story or live with what has been found out from the husband, however small that is..???

[confusedfirsttimemum]

Tricky.

I won't lecture you about what happened. Personally, I would always say that the husband should do the sharing and you should stay well out

but

it must be hard if you know that she is being lied to. If it was me, I would probably agree to meet her once, for a coffee or somewhere else public, tell her what she asked, but make it clear that you couldn't have an ongoing discussion.

I have no experience of this, and that doesn't make it the right decision. But as a wife, I would be hurt/upset/emotionally devasted if my husband had an affair. But I would be totally destroyed if I took him back under false information and he did it again.

[nearlyyy]

thank you, yes it is how i feel too. He has actually been a bit weird about some of the things. He actually asked to see me a couple of days ago, while she is taking a break, said he nearly drove to my house, but then telling his wife he wants her.....I just can't stand the thought of her being taken is by all this, and I actually believe he would do it again. My self respect is at an all time low. I am second choice if things don't work out with her basically, so is staying in contact, he doesn't want to be alone. He says he has been in love with me since he was 6, we went to school together and it has broken my heart, I have no strength left and need help to get this toxic man out of my life. I want to try to do the right thing by his wife now.

Believe me, I hate myself for what has happened, his wife has forgiven me and I have made things ok with her, I have to live with this.

[countingto10]

Nearlyyy, you sound a lovely lady who has been taken in by this man and are hurting like his wife. My H had an affair and I am sad to say the OW in my case was not as reasonable as you (she was vicious and vindictive).

As a wife you have an all compassing need to have all the answers and to time line everything eg when he said he was doing x, was he really with OW etc. The W in your case is obviously not getting the truth from her H and is looking to you. If you feel you can help her honestly then meeting in a neutral place is an idea. It is probably best to keep emotions out of it and stick to facts.

I am glad you understand all contact with OM has to cease. Perhaps get some counselling for yourself to realise you are worth more than this.

Good luck.

[bearcrumble]

As long as you learn from the experience and never do it again, then I don't think you are a bad person - just someone who made a mistake (one that many people make) and who has learned ans suffered because of it. You don't need to make yourself feel any worse than you are already.

I agree with confusedfirsttime mum. Meet her in public or speak to her on the phone. Tell her all the facts but try to leave your feelings and emotions out of what you tell her - just the facts of what happenened and what this man has said to you and when. She deserves to know so she can make her decision on whethe she wants to work on the marriage or dissolve the relationship.

[kneedeepinthedirtylaundry]

OP, tell her the truth. This is an unusual situation, but as she is being reasonable with you, tell her. Good luck.

[onadietcokebreak]

OP If she wants to know the truth I would meet and tell her on the provision that this is the final contact.

Good luck with rebuilding your life.

[HappyWoman]

I think you could show yourself to be a better person to his wife if you did tell her the whole story. You have to do what you feel is right at the time,

If you do tell her you can be sure you are doing it for the 'right' reasons. Do you think you want her to kick him out? Would you then want to make a life with him if she did?
It sounds as if you already know that you are second best - and that if she kicks him out he will come running to you. so make sure that is what you want first.

If you are going to have no further contact with him - tell his wife and stick to your end of the bargain. i think it is really hurtful to be lied to by everyone. But you also need to tell her to stop contacting you too.

[nearlyyy]

Thank you all for your advice, and not judging me harshly. Strangely I have been the wife in this scenario, however I felt my H gave me all the facts when asked. This was backed up by an e mail I sent nearly 2 years later to my H's OW, she was honest and confirmed to me that he was honest.
I guess maybe deep down I may want to be with him still but that is more to do with my low self esteem that I never knew i had and lack of respect of myself. I am planning on counselling to get through this. Overall though I just feel if I was in her situation I would want to know everything, and to be honest alot of it is pretty sick...he texted me on their wedding anniversary, kids birthdays, straight after his counselling session.
I'm still thinking this all through. His wife is being amazing which makes it all the worse that he has treated her and me this way, I need a kick up the arse to treat another woman this way....I am disgusted at myself.

[ChocHobNob]

I would say tell her the truth. In fact I did the same with the OW in my H's affair. I needed to know if he was telling me the truth because there was no point in us rebuilding our marriage if he had lied to me about what had happened/was happening.

If the OW had told me things he had told me he was still trying to contact her after he had told me he had stopped then it would have possibly given me the push to kick him out for good.

I would give a time scale though. Say you will answer her questions until so and so day and then you want to cut all contact with her because you want to move on yourself.

I also would steer well clear of him. I can appreciate the "need" to contact him, but treat it like an addiction. Remove the things enabling the contact. Change your phone number, email address, don't answer the door.

[poodie]

A different perspective from a newcomer here. I think you are being disingenous here. I am not judging what you did, by the way, that is entirely up to you and the man you are/were involved with.

However, you went into this situation with your eyes open - you knew that he was in another relationship and you must have known that, at some level, this man was going to have to be deceitful towards his long term partner, at least for a period of time.

We don't know the full details (for instance does this man have children) but I presume that when you got involved, you must have been prepared for the relationship to be clandestine, at least for a bit, as in general no-one wants to be seen as a "home wrecker".

Unless he ever gave very clear indications that he was definitely going to exit his marriage for you, then you would have entered into some kind of agreement, even if unspoken, that neither of you were going to "spill the beans" without the other's consent.

Now that the proverbial sh** has hit the fan, the man is dithering and probably genuinely doesn't know what to do in the long run. Caught between a rock and a hard place, even if he only has himself to blame.

However, in my opinion, it is entirely up to him what he does in his marriage and what he tells his wife. Surely that is not up to you, after all you were prepared to enter into an illicit relationship in the first place? Now that things have turned sour you are playing poacher turned gamekeeper and toadying up to the wife.

Suppose the tables were turned and he decided to spill the beans about your clandestine relationship to his wife (or anyone else for that matter) without your knowledge or consent? How would you feel about all the dirty linen being aired to all and sundry.

Sorry, but I think you are being quite manipulative here. If I were in your situation I would have my head down and I would be getting on with my own life and letting the (ex) lover decide what he want to do in his primary relationship.

You are not a marriage guidance counsellor.
If I was his wife I would not demean myself by talking to you at all. Sorry to be blunt but I think you are pretending to befriend the wronged wife when you really have an ulterior motive - ie you are the spurned lover and by spilling all the beans to the wife you are adding insult to injury.

Sorry to be blunt but I think your motives have got nothing at all to do with caring about his wife.

[confusedfirsttimemum]

"However, in my opinion, it is entirely up to him what he does in his marriage and what he tells his wife. Surely that is not up to you, after all you were prepared to enter into an illicit relationship in the first place? Now that things have turned sour you are playing poacher turned gamekeeper and toadying up to the wife."

I see your point about questionning the OPs motives poodie, and that's something she has to decide for herself.

BUT I couldn't disagree more strongly that she has some sort of obligation to keep schtoom and let the guy lie to his wife. Just because she made a mistake does not mean she has an obligation to sustain any lie he chooses to tell. If anything, it is doubling the wrong she has done to his wife.

[poodie]

"I couldn't disagree more strongly that she has some sort of obligation to keep schtoom and let the guy lie to his wife."

She didn't "let" the guy lie to his wife. He CHOSE to lie to his wife. They both CHOSE to have an extra-marital relationship.

"He is doubling the wrong she has done to his wife". That doesn't make sense. He can't double HER wrong. Staying silent is minimising the damage in all this.

In fact, I would suggest that it is the lover who is doubling the wrong, by not only having an affair but then gossiping about it afterwards.

IF it had been the man who had chosen to discuss intimate details about this without the consent of the (ex) lover it would make him look like even more of a worm than he already does:

1. He cheats on his wife.
2. He rubs salt in the wound by giving all the gory details to his wife or anyone else who fancies sticking an oar in.
3. He ruins what is left of the reputation of the lover (who no doubt was partly led up the garden path in all this) by not only airing all their dirty linen (how embarrassing), but also exposing to all and sundry that she is the type of person who has an affair with a married man.

I just don't see how airing all the dirty linen would help in this situation.

[RunawayWife]

I would tell her the truth the whole truth then delete her/him from phone,email and so on.

Telling her the truth can do no more damage then has already been done to this poor woman, and might help her to chuck the low life shit out.

[nearlyyy]

thank you for all your replies. I am taking it all on board and actually now wondering what my motives are deep down. I need to work that out before asking her if she really wants all the truth.
He has been contacting me today, we actually spoke on the phone, he's texted, and told me he has actually moved out, albeit perhaps on a temporary basis while she has 'space'. He said he wants to see me and said he nearly drove to my house. His wife texted and asked if we had spoken and I said yes. She then rang me and I didn't answer the phone, for some reason I just felt I couldn't handle it. I felt he should tell her what we talked about.

In answers to would I be happy for him to tell her everything. Yes, absoultely and have often said to him, if you want your marriage to work you have to come completely clean. He refuses to commit either way about his decision long term. Says he thinks about me and us. I think we have finished and then this happens...am in a right tizzy, stuck in the middle. I know I am a sick but just can't help thinking if it doesn't work out with his wife......maybe. I seriously need help. It is like heroin. I swing from complete resolution in meeting with her and telling her everything and also betray him to waiting and seeing how things pan out in the next few days, see if wants to be with me.....someone punch some sense into me please.

[RunawayWife]

If you have any self respect than walk away

[stripeyknickersspottysocks]

I was in a similar situation many years ago though didn't know the man was married (they were seperated and not living together). She rang me up and wanted to know everything so I went round to see her and told her what she wanted to know. She said it helped and I guess she deseverd anything that she wanted really.

[confusedfirsttimemum]

Poodie - You misread. I think that if she sustains the lie, she is doubling the wrong she has done to the guy's wife.

I think this because if she (assumining it is a genuine belief) believes he is lying to his wife, the OP is increasing the chance of this woman making a decision (on incomplete information) that she may regret or may damage her.

Yes, he chose to lie to his wife. He is a worm. Assuming the OP is single, he is the one who has done the most wrong, by a country mile. But you let someone lie if they tell a lie; the person they lied to seeks corroboration from you, and you say nothing. That is 'letting' him lie - in that it is allowing him to lie successfully.

You are extrapolating a lot from the OP.

-She hasn't said she will give 'all the gory details';
-She hasn't said she will talk to "anyone else who fancies sticking an oar in.";
-If anyone exposes things to "all and sundry" it will be the wife if she chooses to repeat what she learns from the OP.

It is also not gossiping if she is responding to a very hurt and damaged woman's need for information. Information she isn't getting from her husband.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one I think.

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

Cut all contact with both of them. Now. He is using you (and her) and trying to have his cake and eat it and keep all his options open. Keep your self respect . Do you want to be second best and just have him if his wife kicks him into touch.

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

Are you telling her the truth in the hope she will kick him out so you can have him?

[nearlyyy]

I am single, seperated. I know he isn't telling her anything at all really, and lying when pushed into a corner about some things he answers. He did say he wanted to be with her, has also told me the same, he wants to be with me. He says he loves her, has told me the same. He is lying to his wife about us continuing to be in contact, even through their counselling sessions.

He says to me he is trying for his marriage because of the kids, would rather be with me. Now he has moved out. He says he is confused, desperate, doesn't know what to do, how he feels. I have lost self respect I guess, but the pull is so strong and like nothing i have felt before. I still love him and even my ex H says it's worth getting a straight answer from him as it was obvious he loves me, he has seen us together before the affair started and said he was blown away by our connection, his wife said the same. I haven't had sex with this man, has been mainly emotional affair with some sexual contact.

[kitsmummy]

Tell the wife the truth but don't kid yourself you're doing her a favour. You knowingly had the affair so i don't buy this sudden compassion for the ex wife. Most probably you're hoping that if she knows the truth she'll leave him, leaving it open for you and him to be together

[nearlyyy]

Thanks kitsmummy, I haven't had sudden compassion, she has just asked for the truth, am asking whether it is the right thing to do. The wife was kind to me and felt that he had treated me as badly as her.

[kitsmummy]

Yes but you admit yourself that you've got the What If scenario going on. Really not being too judgy btw, been there done that etc and not proud of myself, I would just questions your motives for telling her everything.

[countingto10]

Please for his kids sake, give this man a wide berth. Let him come to a decision about his marriage and family without you in his head. It will probably take him a while to get you out of his head completely with no contact at all so he and his DW can come to a decision about their marriage and family. At least show her some decency by doing that. Give her all the facts if she wants them and then cease contact with both of them. Allow them space to sort themselves out - if it is true love and not the heady crap that goes with an illicit affair it will wait a few months IYSWIM.

Please sort yourself out as well, it may be a couple of months down then line you won't want him.