Affair~is the truth always best? urgent advice please

[nearlyyy]

ok
I know many will hate me, but I am trying to put things right so please bear with me.
I have had a relationship with a married man. It has ended. His wife has been in contact with me and I have answered her questions, and actually she really feels for me, and we are on reasonable terms because I have told her the truth. Her husband won't talk to her about it, and won't tell her the truth about anything much. Her husband has lied and cheated even during their counselling session when he was asking to meet me.

She is at the point where she has asked him to move out. He says he wants to make it work with her, although doesn't want to stop contact with me.

I just want advice really, I am going to stop all contact, but his wife keeps texting me, asking me questions and wanting the truth.

I know there will be many opinions, but I just want to know whether I should tell her the whole 'affair story' as she wants, she will never get it from him, or shall I just leave alone? Leave her to work out what kind of man he is and live with what little information she has already.....??? Maybe they have something to rebuild on what she knows. She wants answers and wants them today.

I hope WWIFN will give her opinion on whether a wife really always needs to know the whole story or live with what has been found out from the husband, however small that is..???

[HelenRosie]

This guy sounds really selfish. I'm curious as to why you haven't had sex. Personally I wouldn't consider something an affair unless there was sex involved, but I'm aware that some people have different criteria on cheating.

[AnyFucker]

What mac said

This tosser is acting like some sort of "prize" to be won

And you, nearlyy, as nice as you sound, are a complete mug to get dragged into it all

I think you are secretly enjoying all the drama, your posts (on this thread, and others) are completely contradictory

even if you win this dodgy "prize"...you are setting yourself up to be in the position of this dick's wife in a very short space of time

walk away right now and try and salvage some sort of decency out of the situation

these two have their own drama...now get off the fucking stage

[abedelia]

PS you also have to be open and honest - if he tries to contact you after, briefly contact his wife (I doubt she'd give him your new number) - a text would do - saying so. He may not be honest but belatedly, you can be. and by doing so it will help with the temptation to see him again. Oh - and tell him to 'cease and desist' or you'll be letting her know when you ditch him.

[abedelia]

Right, what you need to realise is the TRUTH about this man. There is nothing to save. He is trying to choose his wife but he is also too much of a coward to actually admit what he did - he's hoping that if he gives the wife as little info as possible she will shut up about it and he can go back to having his socks washed and all his other needs attended with minimum discomfort on his part - the bloody woman keeps on going on about honesty and truth! Can't she see he's trying to watch the sport? (or suchlike).

So he strings you along in the background. She's telling him he's a shit (and he feels like one) but you are more likely to still tell him he's wonderful. Who would you rather hang out with, even if you didn't really want to be with them?

If I were you I would tell the wife the facts - actually I'd write them down for her then arrange a phone call so she can clarify anything she wants. After that she has no need to contact you and it's her husband's problem. You have done all you can to be honest and try to make best the terrible damage you have done.

Next, I'd gather my self respect, open my eyes and see that he's a pathetic worm who wants everything on a plate at no cost to him. Tell him and his ego to stuff it as you won't be the booby prize and he certainly isn't worth fighting over. he's a liar and a cheta, and one that's too pathetic to then take his punishment like a man.

Then I'd change your phone number, ditch your email address and do everything I could to avoid this sorry excuse for a man (and his poor wife - once she has the story it is now in her court to see if she wants him).

[macdoodle]

She said she's cut contact, then said she had a long converstaion with him a few days ago when he wanted to drive round
So not really cut contact, as always the OW is as much a selfish self absorbed lier as the H, they deserve each other truly!

[ChocHobNob]

Sorry, I don't fall for the whole " I care about both of you" line. Tough. If the wife knew the truth, perhaps she would kick him out and then he wouldn't have to string both of them along ... if the OW gained some self respect and said " you know what, I'm not being someone's sloppy seconds" then the man in this case couldn't string them both along.

You seem to reading a lot more into this than I am. The OP isn't trying to tell the W how to live her life, she hasn't said she wants to give all the sordid details (which like a PP said, there doesn't appear to be many). The OP hasn't approached the W to ram the affair down her throat, she's been contacted herself.

But I do agree that that OP needs to think about her motives behind discussing things with the W. In fact I would think that answering her questions would only be worthwhile if you had made up the decision that you will no longer partake in the affair.

[macdoodle]

oh please
You dont give a toss about his poor W, you just want to "win" dont you??
You know if you cut ties and back off he is likely to stay with his wife, and you want him dont you??
Just be honest and dont be so manipulative, either youve cut contact or not, either you want to help her or not!
Honestly you want to come across and the kind caring OW who has seen the error of her ways but really............

Actually you know what, make sure you tell her all, and make sure there is no way she can repair her marriage, TBH you will be doing her the biggest favour ever, and you get to keep the lying cheating sod and everything you deserve!

[HappyWoman]

having now read this again - i am confused as to what sorid details there are anyway???

You said a few posts back you have not had sex yet .

Surely the wife would be pleased about that - so tell her.

I think it sounds as if you want to make trouble and make out there is more going on so you can have this bloke.

Your opening message said you had severed contact - so he is harrassing you is he??

OP I think you need to ask yourself why you want to tell the wife about some details of your friendship with her h?

[confusedfirsttimemum]

Poodie, as I said, I think we'll have to agree to (strongly) disagree on this one. However, before I leave this thread I will just say that the OP isn't 'popping up'. She was contacted by the wife, and she isn't lecturing people on how they should live, she is deciding whether to respond to the wife's request that she answers questions about what went on.

[poodie]

Sorry I am really not trying to be controversial here but

"If he cared about his wife, he wouldn't be contacting you ... if he cared about you, he would be leaving his wife and sorting out contact with his children. "

Perhaps he cares about both of them? It is possible.

Also, I still do not get this stuff about the other woman becoming a kind of moral crusader on behalf of the errant husband. That is just - ridiculous given the history of the relationship. It just smacks of total hypocricy.

I would be absolutely furious if some other woman popped up and starting moralising about my life! It's one thing to find out that your partner has run away with his d* but then when the other woman pops up and starts lecturing everyone on how they should life their lives.

Oh pleaseeeeee!

[ChocHobNob]

I don't think it is adding insult to injury at all. If the H has promised his W that he has cut all contact with the OW and is willing to do anything to work at repairing their marriage, then as a betrayed spouse in the past myself, I would want to know if I were still being lied to. She doesn't have to spill all the dirty details but just a short message "Yes you're husband is still trying it on with me" would have given me the ammunition to end it for good.

If it were in fact the OW trying to off load all the sordid details that the W didn't ask for, then yes, that would out of order.

I wouldn't go over and over it though. I would give her the information she wants if her H is still lying to her and then cut all contact (with both of them) Seriously, I know there's not much point in having a go, but you really are a MUG if you keep up contact with this bloke. He's trying to string along his wife and his mistress. Bottom line. If he cared about his wife, he wouldn't be contacting you ... if he cared about you, he would be leaving his wife and sorting out contact with his children.

Find a single man. STOP BEING IN CONTACT WITH HIM.

[poodie]

"If she sustains the lie, she is doubling the wrong she has done to the guy's wife."

Why does not spilling the beans "sustain a lie"? The lies have already been said.

Sorry, but it really is not up to another person to stick an oar in about whether or not he is chosing to lie to his wife. That simply is not anyone else's business.

If someone CHOSES to get involved with someone who is already in a relationship, then they ACCEPT that there is going to be an element of lying going in from the very beginning.

When things start to go wrong, it is obiously very convenient to suddenly become a moral crusader, lecturing the errant husband on what he should be doing. Sorry but that is just so hypocritical it is quite laughable.

What the wife choses to do is up to her - she may be going on incomplete information - that is not the responsiblity of anyone else.

The other woman did not get into this as some kind of marriage guidance/moral crusader/advocate of honesty in marriage.

"Assuming the OP is single, he is the one who has done the most wrong, by a country mile."

I disagree - IF I was ever in a situation where I became involved with a married man, I would consider myself to be EQUALLY responsible (even allowing for the bullshit that would no doubt be fed to me about "my wife doesn't understand me etc, etc)

"The person they lied to seeks corroboration from you, and you say nothing." That is not the case - the corroboration is there. She knows what happened. Does the lover really need to feed all the rest of the information to the wife, is that really necessary?

Suppose it was the man telling the wife everything about the lover without her knowledge or consent - that would look really weasly - like he was trying to get himself off the hook.

"It is also not gossiping if she is responding to a very hurt and damaged woman's need for information."

But she is just adding insult to injury here! First she has an affair with the husband and next she condescends to be the shoulder to cry on for the wife!

To be honest, if I was the husband I think I would chose to be on my own!!

[kitsmummy]

err, am now thinking i should have name changed for this. I spoke to wife who is lovely and we both learnt a lot of things, although we both ultimately loved and wanted him and what we both told each other didn't make a lot of odds in the end. He was what can only really be described as addictive and compelling so he had his cake and ate it for a good few years. Now, six years on, we're conversing again but in v different (sad) circumstances and i'm hopeful that our sons may meet each other some time soon.

[nearlyyy]

can i ask what you did in your scenario Kitsmummy?
Did you speak to the wife?
Yes I do have the what if....I guess I am torn between 'doing the right thing' and betraying someone i love at the possible detrement of their already broken marriage or keeping quiet, seeing if he wants to make it work with me...

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

Is it the "excitement" of the situation that is the pull, rather than the man himself. He actually sounds a bit pathetic to me - can't make his mind up what he wants, wants someone else to decide for him rather than being man enough to decide for himself.

[countingto10]

Please for his kids sake, give this man a wide berth. Let him come to a decision about his marriage and family without you in his head. It will probably take him a while to get you out of his head completely with no contact at all so he and his DW can come to a decision about their marriage and family. At least show her some decency by doing that. Give her all the facts if she wants them and then cease contact with both of them. Allow them space to sort themselves out - if it is true love and not the heady crap that goes with an illicit affair it will wait a few months IYSWIM.

Please sort yourself out as well, it may be a couple of months down then line you won't want him.

[kitsmummy]

Yes but you admit yourself that you've got the What If scenario going on. Really not being too judgy btw, been there done that etc and not proud of myself, I would just questions your motives for telling her everything.

[nearlyyy]

Thanks kitsmummy, I haven't had sudden compassion, she has just asked for the truth, am asking whether it is the right thing to do. The wife was kind to me and felt that he had treated me as badly as her.

[kitsmummy]

Tell the wife the truth but don't kid yourself you're doing her a favour. You knowingly had the affair so i don't buy this sudden compassion for the ex wife. Most probably you're hoping that if she knows the truth she'll leave him, leaving it open for you and him to be together

[nearlyyy]

I am single, seperated. I know he isn't telling her anything at all really, and lying when pushed into a corner about some things he answers. He did say he wanted to be with her, has also told me the same, he wants to be with me. He says he loves her, has told me the same. He is lying to his wife about us continuing to be in contact, even through their counselling sessions.

He says to me he is trying for his marriage because of the kids, would rather be with me. Now he has moved out. He says he is confused, desperate, doesn't know what to do, how he feels. I have lost self respect I guess, but the pull is so strong and like nothing i have felt before. I still love him and even my ex H says it's worth getting a straight answer from him as it was obvious he loves me, he has seen us together before the affair started and said he was blown away by our connection, his wife said the same. I haven't had sex with this man, has been mainly emotional affair with some sexual contact.

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

Are you telling her the truth in the hope she will kick him out so you can have him?

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

Cut all contact with both of them. Now. He is using you (and her) and trying to have his cake and eat it and keep all his options open. Keep your self respect . Do you want to be second best and just have him if his wife kicks him into touch.

[confusedfirsttimemum]

Poodie - You misread. I think that if she sustains the lie, she is doubling the wrong she has done to the guy's wife.

I think this because if she (assumining it is a genuine belief) believes he is lying to his wife, the OP is increasing the chance of this woman making a decision (on incomplete information) that she may regret or may damage her.

Yes, he chose to lie to his wife. He is a worm. Assuming the OP is single, he is the one who has done the most wrong, by a country mile. But you let someone lie if they tell a lie; the person they lied to seeks corroboration from you, and you say nothing. That is 'letting' him lie - in that it is allowing him to lie successfully.

You are extrapolating a lot from the OP.

-She hasn't said she will give 'all the gory details';
-She hasn't said she will talk to "anyone else who fancies sticking an oar in.";
-If anyone exposes things to "all and sundry" it will be the wife if she chooses to repeat what she learns from the OP.

It is also not gossiping if she is responding to a very hurt and damaged woman's need for information. Information she isn't getting from her husband.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one I think.

[stripeyknickersspottysocks]

I was in a similar situation many years ago though didn't know the man was married (they were seperated and not living together). She rang me up and wanted to know everything so I went round to see her and told her what she wanted to know. She said it helped and I guess she deseverd anything that she wanted really.

[RunawayWife]

If you have any self respect than walk away