can an affair work out?

[charlie7171]

i am married. i have been having an affair with a married man for 9 months, though we have known each other for 5 years. he has been married 7 years, no kids. i have been married 10 years, with 2 kids.

do affairs ever work out? is there anyone that can give us advice? the whole internet just tells me i'm a horrible person. i need advice. i want to know stories where an affair has actually turned into a good relationship.

we know what we are doing is wrong. we feel horrible about what we are doing to our spouses though we often talk about building a life together. we do love each other, i know i do, and i believe him when he says he does too. we communicate with each other better than we ever have with anybody else. i know so much more about him, and he knows so much more about me, than my husband and i did when we got married, maybe even more than we know about each other now.

we talk to each other so much: we know each other's faults, and cracks and bad sides; we've had disagreements, even sobbing arguments, much due to the pressure; so it's not all roses - we know how difficult it is. yet we've also seen the loveliness in each other, the strengths and joys. we've shared so much, albeit in secret and absolutely love each other's company. our interests coincide and complement; the respect we have for each other's work is unlike anything i've known before.

but we hesitate to leave our spouses - partly because of the pain this will cause them, but largely because of the unknown: how do you know that you can spend months or years with someone, if you have only had a long weekend at the most at any one time? even though we talk every day, sometimes for hours, we just don't know what it will be like to live together - does the risk justify hurting our spouses as much as we will or compromising marriages that could perhaps one day somehow be fixed? would it justify it, if our relationship collapsed after 1 month together? or 1 year? is the effect divorce will have on my kids justified by my being with the man i love?

we feel so strongly, yet we hesitate... do affairs ever work out? can they turn into beautiful strong relationships? we've seen each other's worst, so we're not blind to it - yet we love each other deeply, emotionally, physically, intellectually. is that enough? or are affairs started in marriages always doomed? does anyone have any good stories?

please, i don't need to know what a bad person i am for what i'm doing - i tell myself that every hour every day, every time i look at my husband. i know that my marriage has problems, we argue continuously and, frankly, badly, though my husband is a good man, and that perhaps i should be putting all my energy into fixing it.

but when you've met someone who you think is the love of your life, and when you've found he feels the same too, does being married already mean that it's doomed from the start anyway?

Yes it is easy to appear fantastic when you are trying to get into each others knickers.

if the OM is a lying, cheating, arsehole, what does that make the OP? She is as bad in my book.

Good post dignified! Absolutely sums up affairs as relationships that are in their own little bubble with no intrusion from reality.

Dignified! What are you like!!?

AF, just to respond to your earlier posting. You're right, I was blaming her in my last post but he made all the running, she probably would've stayed as a colleague if he hadn't "turned on the old charm" (his words)..urgh.

I think I've learned from my own experience and what other posters have said that if you aren't happy in a marriage, you should leave and not look to someone else in the meantime. Ex dh said he'd been unhappy for a year beforehand and everything I said and did during that final year offended him and she must have thought I was really horrible person. You don't realise what's coming though as it's gradual.

I'm sure some affairs end happily and at least those that have them and then stay together have got something in common. Better they're together than on the loose.

SK

You know I am on your side, SK, baby !

Just make sure you don't forget what a bastard your DH has been x

Remember that when he comes back with his tail between his legs...they often do, it is part of the script

Thanks AF.

Any idea why your last post was deleted. I was at aerobics so didn't see it?

SK

Yes, I know why my post was deleted

I fully expected it to be, tbh

It deserved to be and I don't usually make a habit of writing posts that are deleted almost immediately !

OK! Dammed aerobics!

I wonder if he will try and come back? He seems pretty determined to me. He's constantly influenced by his friends and colleagues and will do what ever they think he should do. Pathetic I know.

The house is so peaceful now, the conservatory is half built. I went to the theatre on Monday, dancing on Tuesday and aerobics tonight. Having eye laser surgery tomorrow and going to an Ann Summers party on Friday....not sure about that last one.

So keeping v busy! Will not be taking him back. Sorry to hi-jack.

SK

My God, you are good, SK

I admire you, really

Thank you.

Just want to say that MN has really helped me through this.

Hadn't been on this site for years until recently and feel like it's held my hand throughout this awful ordeal!

SK

thanks for the replies, i appreciate the time.

to add in a few details that people have assumed: yes, we have already told our respective partners, a couple of months ago, after about 6 months during which we saw each other 4 or 5 times, slowly realising that this was something much more important to us than at first, this was too big to deceive about, but it's not as easy as straight away jumping ship, filing for divorce. it's not so easily black&white - of course we're both nervous, wary about the unknown - that's human isn't it? we're pretty clear that our own marriages aren't tenable, and of course, like any starting relationship we have guarantees.

i simply wanted to know whether there is a chance at all of such things working out. i was hoping for someone to say 'yes, it worked out for me and here's why and here's what happened'. but it occurs to me that if it had worked out, they probably wouldn't be looking around this forum, so i'm probably not going to get a whole lot of useful advice....

thanks again anyway.

uh... that should have been 'have no guarantees about whether we will build a good relationship together'... slip of the finger.

Oh come on Charlie we weren't born yesterday. It's a bit of a leap in 24 hours to go from wondering whether you should fix your marriage to tonight's declaration that you both know your marriages are "untenable". If you'd come clean about your affair already to your partners, you would have said so in your OP - and told us their take on it.

I suspect you've done that classic forum trick of adapting the information in tonight's post to answer the main criticisms you've faced here today - mainly that have been deceiving your partners for a long time.

So you've gone from claiming that you've been having a full affair for the past 9 months, to now saying that you only saw eachother 4-5 times in 6 months and then admitted all to your partners - both of whom we are now to presume are waiting patiently while you two make your decision.

I don't think so.

My arse they both know , youve already said all this has occured in secret.
The sad thing is op, and im not taking the piss, you really have no idea who he actually is, if like you say, you had searched the internet, you would know this.

Of course he will be nice to you, they generally are when there getting sex and adoration. Perhaps stop listening to his words and start looking at his actions , they are not the actions of a nice man. And i promise you, you DONT know more about him than his wife does, you just listen to the crap he spouts that his wife cant be arsed listening to.

My exh had an affair and when i spoke to her she was under the impression he was only here for the kids , i was a cold hearted cow , she knew him better ect, very smug, you can imagine.

I thought about this for a moment and said ah yes, ive placed you now, he has mentioned you actually, said your a pain in the arse , the entire office avoids you after what you said to so and so, and that you hang round him and he feels sorry for you cos of xyz ( very personal reasons , fat being one of them )

She wasnt pleased, and seemed a bit hurt, in the meantime exh claimed it didnt mean anything , just a shag ect ect. Think a bit more forward op, you only have to read this forum to see this is a common response when these wankers get caught.

Sk, how are things ? I am seriously impressed , i havent moved off my chair for days , i am feeling inadequate reading about your fab nights out ! Buy yourself something nice from ann summers ( you deserve it )

Hi Dignified,

I'm doing okay really....having laser eye surgery today, so a bit nervous. Catch up with you later! If I haven't posted within a week, you'll know it's all gone 'orribly wrong!!

SK

Just because one person had an affair and then went on to live happily with their lover doesn't mean it worked out as they would have devastated their original partners. It also doesn't mean it will work out for anyone else.

You are lying to yourself, your husband, your children and us. You have got so used to lying you don't even know what the truth is anymore.

No way have you told your husband.

Grow up and do the decent thing.

charlie7171 - it is a monumental step to term a 10 year marriage with 2 kids "untenable". Believe me, I have 2 kids and have been married almost 10 years. DH has just had an affair and returned. Already he has realised that he THOUGHT that the OW was the love of his life and he would give up everything and anything for her but he has come to the realisation that these feelings didn't stand up in the real world and they were not actually real.

I thought our marriage was crap, we were both sniping at eachother etc, he thought it was crap and had this affair, things were tough with the kids etc. This affair has made us realise that actually, our marriage is very far from crap, it is actually pretty strong and we have remembered exactly why we were together - because we fit together perfectly and we are eachother's ideal other half. Make sure that isn't the case for you, you are throwing a hell of a lot away and you might not realise how much until it is too late. You married your DH because you loved him, try and look at some old photos/similar to try and remember what you had. Please be so careful before exiting the marriage. Obviously it is sometimes the right thing to do, but don't make an irreversible mistake.

I agree with Whenwill and with AnyFucker's deleted posts.

See, the thing is, a person who cheats on their partner/spouse and kids is a liar.

As people know, when I was 19, I had an affair with my 43-year-old married professor.

It required lying to do.

Things only get better in your life when you stop lying and call yourself the spade you are.

Which, from teh OP's latests posts, doesn't appear to have happened.

And anyone who believes a 'beautiful strong' relationship starts with a lie is sad.

sorry to say have to echo the others - you are lying to yourself most of all.

If you are in an unhappy marriage then get out of it - either with om or not. Dont let you children grow up thinking you are happy - they will not thank you for it. My parents should have seperated many years ago - my whole childhood is tainted now as when i speak to either of them they have the view that the past was not at all rosy - both snipe that they should have had a life of their own - blame the other - my dad is now my mums carer so cant leave really - but its horrible - any nice memories i may have had about the jolly family holidays we had together are not true - as both parents will now admit. Very very sad and i have little respect for either of them actually.
Maybe your children will be different - maybe they will be able to look back and see the same past as you do now.

As for you knowing the om better than his wife - bollocks - thats what he has lead you to believe.
When my h was having an affair i have no doubt the ow believed me to be a lazy cow who did nothing for h - i was a sahm. I think for a while he believed his own BS too.

Anyone that embarks on an affair and is willing to decieve their family IS selfish - now, someday you will learn this - it does not mean you cannot go on to have a great relationship with om in fact knowing you both have a similar selfish streak may make you closer - but i very much doubt that.
Anyway good luck.

well said expat.

SpiritualKnot, you know, you, LewisFan and spookycharlotte make me feel very proud.

There's only one question you really need to ask yourself.

Can you build your happiness on the unhappiness of other people?

That would be the unhappiness of two spouses and your children, who I assume are the people you love most in the world. Also, there would be the possible unhappiness of two sets of grandparents and the wider family.

The unhappiness you cause your children may be so devastating it will affect their education and relationships, and may change their lives for ever.

That's what your happiness would be based on. That is the risk you take. That's the only question you need to ask yourself. Yes or no?

You havent answered my question regards to how you plan to divide your children between you.

Ponder this issue a little, why dont you?