Maternal Grandparents v Paternal Grandparents

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I'd really like to know everyone's thoughts on this.

Our situation is this: I have been on Maternity leave with my DD for the last 9 months (and will actually be working evenings when I go back, so still doing daytime care etc.)

Both sets of parents live nearby, my parents about 2 mins, DPs parents about 5-10 mins away.

I don't have a wonderful relationship with MIL, but nonetheless, she sees DD each week, we go over as a family or I will go out with MIL during the day for a coffee/lunch. I prefer to do the family thing though, as I prefer DP to be around to deflect MIL - she's a bit toxic!

I see my mother all the time. We're a really close family. I choose to do this in my own spare time, not at weekends/evenings when DP is home.

The problem is both DP and his mother are ultra competitive regarding the grandparent thing. They both insist that I spend as much time with his mother with DD as I do with mine, something I think is totally unrealistic. I'm close to my own mother, I enjoy my time with her, this is not the case with MIL.

More to the point I think weekly (and sometimes fortnightly if we're busy) is enough. It doesn't matter how close she lives, I don't think it means we need to see her more frequently??

I think there is probably a tendancy towards the maternal GPs ending up seeing the child more, just out of circumstance. MIL is out of her mind that my DD won't know who she is. SHe wants to know how many times a week my mother gets to spend with her etc.

I dont' know if you have any experience of this, but is it my responsibility to make sure that both sets of Grandparents get equal amounts of time with DD? I hope not! I think I'm fulfilling my duty as DDs mother and as DIL as long as DD and MIL have a good relationship, DD knows who she is etc.....

I think I've ramblednow but basically and I right or are MIL and DP right? (My Mum by the way doesn't mention it)

WRT to lo knowing her, i saw one set of grandparents once every 2 or 3 years and I knew them. Not very well, admittedly and there was the additional problem of a language barrier. The other set I saw once or twice a year and my grandfather from that set was my hero. I felt i knew him well and loved spending time. My little sister dreading going to see them as my nan, to be blunt, was and is a bitch to her. It is completely understandable that she doesnt share the same. view. thus ime it is the quality of the time that you spend with the grandparent that matters.

Ds is closer to his grandparents (he lives with one set and sees the other 2 times a month) which he enjoys but it is not how i experienced my grandparents and they can spoil him alot less then I was, plus there is less effort made with the activities etc. its just less special.

So I would say that do what makes you happy and if your mil wants to see dc then let your dh make the effort too.

I don't see my mother any more but your OP reminded me of her when you said she wanted to know how ofter your DD is spending with the "other" grandma.

This is horrible for you.

My mother would also want to know how much we'd spent on her xmas present relative to MIL's xmas present.

It smacks of insecurity, and I think you should try to ignore it as far as possible and let your husband sort out his own family's issues.

Sheesh!

this is a matter of anxiety for those of us with sons, but frankly, I hope that I can be "cool" about it. This competitiveness is a sure fire way to alienate your DIL.

You have some good solutions here. Hope you can work it out.

A final note : I saw much more of my maternal grandparents, but ended up much closer to my paternal grandmother.

This is as much about your DH respecting you as it is about your MIL seeing your DD.

He needs to accept that you are your own person and not merely the adult facilitating his daughter seeing his mother. Why should you have to spend your time, visiting his mother, when you don't enjoy it? It's not like you are refusing to go at all or refusing to let his mother see your daughter. It's natural if you have a good relationship with your Mother that you want to go and see her when you can and you take DD as it's a bit off to leave her home alone at 9 months - you don't do it to spite his mother....

Him wanting to rush around to his mothers as soon as he gets back from 10 days away would seriously piss me off too.

In what way do you think she's toxic (in regard to DD, I can see quite clearly how she's toxic wrt your DH and your relationship!!)

Agree with Chippingin. You are an adult and it's up to you how you spend your time. If you like your parents and they are near by it's natural you choose to spend more time with them than your husband's parents. I think spending too much time with either set can be bad for marriages though and would sit down with your husband and discuss how much time you spend together with your child without all the extended rellies. I also would explain that if he wants his mum to see your child then he can arrange it as you have your own life to leave and aren't just their to pass your child between grandparents like a parcel and that you choose to see your mum because she is your mum, not because she is your child's grannie.
I hardly ever visited my husbands parents without him. I'd start going out more and leading a bit of a life independant of all grannies and getting involved in mothers and toddlers until the rivalry calms down.
Moving away from all parents can be great.