Hi all,
Just feeling a bit lost and wanted to see if Mumsnetters have any good advice for me. I've namechanged for this as I am somewhat embarrassed by what's happening. And DH knows I am a regular here so who knows if he will look?
DH and I have been together for 8 years and been very happy for most of it. We got married 6 years ago and had DS just over a year ago. He was very much wanted. We had 5 years to 'enjoy' married life first and we really did. Not partying sorts but we went out for dinners, short breaks etc. I consider DH my soulmate and I am sure he feels the same about me.
Since DS was born, things have been kinda tricky. DH's not a small baby person (which I knew!), DS wasn't an easy baby (cried a lot, very fussy and a right PITA ) and I was somewhat depressed about being away from my family (I'm from another country though I have to say, I do love it here!) so things looked pretty rocky in the first 6 months or so but I also understand that that is pretty common.
Since DS turned about a year old, I honestly thought we had turned a corner. DS is now turning into a happy and beautiful toddler and I feel so lucky to have had him. We also conceived number 2 (due later in the year), it was sooner than we expected but I have a medical problem and we didn't know if it would happen TBH and we always said we wanted a second one close to DS's age.
But in the last few months, DH has been frankly a bit of a sh*t. Not obviously at first but basically, once in a while, something very small would happen and he would have the most amazing outbursts! Last night, I asked him about our phone bill (something he had done basically, agreed to some BT package and cancelled it but the bill showed we were getting billed for it). He went bonkers, called me stupid and banged the wall really hard with his fists. It's not completely out of character for him, when he does get angry in the past, he shouts and bangs the wall but gets over it quickly and usually apologises. What is new is the personal attacks on me, calling me stupid etc. I started back at work a few months ago as well and he has said things a couple of times about me quitting my job if I find it so difficult. He knows I love my job even though he gets paid a lot more than me and we could live on his pay packet.
This looks really bad typing it out but he isn't really. He has been working hard lately and I thought it was just work stress. Last night, I told him that frankly, he's been acting like a sh*t lately and there's been a few times that I have contemplated leaving him. I wouldn't really but the fact that it has crossed my mind frightens me.
He finally admitted last night that he doesn't feel completely happy with our home life, that he feels everything is centred on DS and we can't be spontaneous anymore. My feeling on this is that DS is only little once and being a parent does involve sacrifices. Bearing in mind I have never stopped DH doing what he likes, he's been on a ski trip with his mates, a stag do overseas in the last few months. DH is younger than me and I've always excused his 'selfishness' because of that. Also, DS is finally at the age where he has started to sleep through reliably in the last few months and we recently have had a babysitter so we could go to a wedding. And personally, I could see things getting better for us in that sense that we could go out and have dinner etc if we wanted as long as we organise babysitters in time.
I just don't think DH realises how lucky he is. He's got a great job he enjoys that pays well. We have our own home and enough money to do most things and planning a lovely 2-week luxury holiday in August. His main complaint is that we just don't do enough just for the two of us anymore. He loves DS to bits and he told me that on one hand, he works hard because he wants to buy us all a bigger house and a better life but on the other hand, he feels he can't go and do things without missing us. He's torned between wanting to be a family man but also 'enjoying' him being young and successful.
I feel so torned. I do so much for him and DS. I admit we don't have 'together' time but I told him he can change that but it's not just me. He doesn't try either, he's always been bad at planning stuff in advance. DH is lazy and we end up doing nothing or taking DS to the park or swimming etc. So we said we will get my friend to babysit next week and we will go for dinner. But part of me feels so tired and wonder if we will get through this. The sad thing is that I don't doubt the love he has for us and me for him and that we would still grow old together if we can get through this. We don't have any trust issues in the sense that I believe we still do love each other deeply but I don't know if we can get through this. DS adores his daddy and part of me feels sad too that sometimes DH comes home and just wants to sit and watch TV when he only has half an hour to spend with DS. Does DS deserve better? DH is a great daddy when he wants to be but does it always have to be on his term?
I just feel so, so sad by the whole situation... I just want to get this out as I can't talk about this to anyone in RL. I've got close friends but I feel that it's unjust to DH as he is such a great father/partner most of the time, I just don't know if I or DS are enough to make him happy anymore...