I followed Reality's legendary good-talking-to thread last week (here), about what we should aspire to, and not tolerate, relationship-wise. I agree that abuse is a dealbreaker. And I feel buoyed up and inspired at the thought of feeling "cherished, loved, respected and equal" in a relationship - but I'm also wondering how realistic this is.
Isn't there surely a normal distribution curve for relationships, with abuse at one end, and the utopian 'cherished' bit at the other, and a whole lot of average in between?
There's plenty of advice on here telling wistful, fantasising mums that the grass isn't greener; urging women to do all they can to make their rocky relationships work and keep their families intact.
Research indicates that the hike in divorce rates in the last 50 years or so has contributed to the hike in rates of depression; children whose parents have separated are (apparently) more likely than average to become depressed and have broken relationships themselves. If all averagely OK (as well as, rightly, abusive) relationships were to end, I imagine there wouldn't be many intact couples left - and wouldn't there be a whole lot more misery?
Recent media reports would have us believe that we are an especially 'selfish' generation of parents. Alarmist reporting aside, surely it is unacceptably selfish to end a tired relationship that's lost its sparkle but which is good enough?
I seem to keep reading in different places of the importance of getting over our aspirational selves, losing our perfectionism, and becoming more comfortable with the grey areas of life - the 'good enough'. Being more stoic.
So is it more realistic (and healthier) to aim/settle for all right, good enough relationships? I don't know the answer - I'm separated myself, and on the fence as to whether I can rebuild my relationship or not. I wonder about just getting on with it and settling for something that would be scarred and a bit lacking on the chemistry/respect/trust fronts but day-to-day OK, and stablising for DS - but Reality's 'cherished' ideal is mighty appealing.
If you got this far , what do you think?