AN, it is amazing how similar we both are. But then not so amazing either if I think about it. Your brother and my dad played similar roles in our childhoods, a lot of emotional and psychological abuse and battering, and our mother's who were supposed to protect us from this, did nothing.
I am beginning to realise now that probably many of my problems with my relationship with DD stem not only from the non-existent relationship i had with my mother and sisters, but also with the attitude my dad had towards women which i clearly absorbed without realising it. He like your brother, seemed to despise any sort of girly/feminine 'weakness', although it wasn't even weakness, it was just normal behaviour but he saw it as weak and pathetic like any showing of emotions, crying, talking about feelings, none of it was allowed and it was always sneered at, and stamped out by my dad. And wearing girly clothes, i remember once i bought a lovely girly top and my dad didn't like it and made my mum return it to the shop. Like you I have always steered away from wearing feminine girly clothes for fear of what people would think, i have always been sure i would be stared at and i know i would feel completely self conscious, as if it was obvious to everyone that i was somehow dressed in someone else's clothes. Like you i have always worn 'mannish' boots and clothes and until recently i felt quite at home in these sorts of clothes. But recently i don't, i feel really 'manly' in what i am wearing, boots, jeans, dark tops, and I hate it. I want to be more feminine in the way i dress, but i almost don't know wear to start, i have been wearing the same types of clothes for so long.
This morning DH and I had a bit of an argument, nothing major, but he said a couple of hurtful things and got annoyed when i started crying. I didn't say much but inside i felt like i am the sort of person who people think they can say anything to and i won't feel it, i won't be hurt, because i must appear tough and hard and cold and that's what people react to. But inside i feel quite fragile, and i do get hurt very easily, i am very sensetive but it is obvious none of this shows on the outside because of the way people treat me and act towards me, DH included.
AN, I'm glad you said that you have managed to gradually push your boundaries by wearing more girly stuff. That's exactly what i want to do, but it feels scary for some reason. I'm glad you used the word 'gradually' as i think i will definately have to do things gradually, i don't think i can go out and buy a whole new wardrobe of girly stuff, i need to get a couple of things at a time.
The more I think about it the more i realise that how i feel is due to my dad's attitude when i was an adolescent, he definately didn't want me turning into a woman and he somehow managed to stop me. Of course i did grow up, but i have never felt like a woman, i still feel like a girl, or not even that, i feel kind of genderless. I think i was desperate to have a boy when i was pregnant with DD because i was scared of having a girly girl as i wouldn't know what to do, because i felt so much like a man, although i wasn't consciously aware of any of this at the time. All i knew when i was pregnant was that i did not want a girl and i was absolutely desperate to have a boy. I feel i am finally now starting to get to the bottom of why i felt like that, somehow i have always known that the relationship with my mother/sisters was not the only reason i didn't want a girl. I realise now i definately took on my dad's attitude towards women, the way he despises women and their so called 'weaknesses'. He definately encouraged us all to be like boys, including in the career we chose, i wasn't allowed to go to art school like i wanted, i had to do something that is very masculine and male dominated and i have always hated it and never fitted in in any of the places i have ever worked. And now i know why.
I am so glad i posted about all this, about feeling like a man, i felt so silly and also a bit ashamed about it, but it feels very very good to know that at least one other person knows what i mean.
AN, I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time in dealing with the issues created by your relationship with your brother. You sound confused and pulled in all directions by your different emotions and feelings about him. I can only relate to you a little bit in that i have conflicting emotions about my sisters sometimes, but not to the same extent as you seem to have about your brother and my sisters don't make demands of me that i feel uncomfortable about like you clearly do with your brother's demands.
The only thing i can say is give yourself time, spend time just thinking about all your feelings towards him, and perhaps after a while it will become clear to you what you need to do. This is how i have dealt with things with my sisters, i have been through quite a few emotions about them, from wanting to cut them off, to wanting to tell them i will be happy when my parents die, but i haven't acted on any of these emotions, and over time i have managed to work out the root cause of my emotions and that in itself has resolved them. I now feel much more at peace with my relationship with my sisters, i myself make no demands of them, i expect nothing from our relationship and i think it is this 'letting go' which has given me a lot of peace and also liberation.
But i know your situation with your brother is different and i just don't feel qualified to make any real comment to you. I'm sorry, i wish i could help more.