Should I be upset that he wont marry me?

[ChezzaB]

Hi This may seem like a strange one but humour me please.... my dp and I have a 7mo ds who has my dp's surname, am I stupid for caring that me and my son have different names? I know I can change my name egally but I relly wanted to have the special day but dp is totally against it! I did know this from the beginning but my feelings have changed now we have a child! Am I just being stupid?Now whenever I mention it I get accused of nagging, should I just give up and deal with the fact that I'll never get the fairytale wedding I desire?!

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

i have a diff surname to my ds and always will - dad gets the surname as i wouldn't want to double barrel and - well - he's my son, i gave birth to him - so i can let dh get the surname bit! i am married btw but will never change my name. being married is about more than matching surnames.

[BalloonSlayer]

Littlemydancing . . .

No but I have been heard to say "I'm not as green as I'm cabbage-looking."

Whatever that means.

[LittleMyDancingWithTheDevil]

The trouble is, I find the idea of getting married for tax/legal reasons even more repellent than the idea that we need to be married to be committed to each other.

If straight couples could have civil partnerships, I think we'd have one like a shot. Somehow it doesn't come with all the history and baggage.

[motherinferior]

And the sentimentality.

[mumoverseas]

well I have to agree with you dittany with regards to the financial security that marriage provides for a woman. Even though someone has quite rightly pointed out if you are not married and the house is in joint names etc, it doesn't mean that if the relationship breaks down the woman will be as well off as she would have been if married. No regard would be given for her having given up her career to bring up children and she would not get a larger share of the house to provide a new home for her and the children. She may well not be able to afford to re-house herself and the children on half of the equity. If the couple in question were married, she would have more rights and would hopefully get to stay in the house (with the husband getting his share of the equity at a later date) or if the house was sold, she would almost certainly get a larger share of the equity than 50%. Also, as pointed out by someone else, she could get spousal maintenance. Therefore technically, it isn't about a bit of paper. I would however hope that people don't just get married for this reason and there is a bit more to it than that!

[seeker]

and why on earth would you buy a house with someone and not be mentioned on the title deeds?

[mumoverseas]

you'd be surprised how many women do this seeker!
And don't forget, if the woman isn't working (SAHM)then she won't be able to be (usually!) on the mortgage and therefore won't be on the title deeds. She would therefore have to rely on something like a declaration of trust setting out that she has a share in the house. If married, don't have to worry about all that.

[Monkeyblue]

If you are happy not be married to your DP and have children then GREAT

But the problem here is the OP wants to get married and her dp doesnt <br /> <br /> This isnt an arguement about whats the right thing to do TO BE or NOT TO NE

There is no right everybody is different and has a choice

Its what happens when there is no choice and its not what you want

[Fennel]

Yeah, basically it makes financial and legal sense to get married ready for the day you split up or one of you dies suddenly.

As long as you're both alive and together and both earning and got separate pensions you're fine cohabiting.

[seeker]

I realize what the OP is saying, but other posters ahve expressed the view that being unmarried means a lack of committment - and I wasn't prepared to let that pass!

[solidgoldskullonastick]

Going back to the OP's situation: are you on the deeds of the house/ the tenancy agreement? Is your relationship happy other than the issue of a wedding? It's perfectly OK not to want to marry but there's a whole spectrum between avoiding marriage because you have ethical objections to the whole history of men owning women, but making sure that your partner and children are legally protected WRT your home etc - and not wanting to marry because actually the partner you are with at the moment 'will do' but you think you might find a better one at some point.

[BalloonSlayer]

Fennel, why does your "it makes financial and legal sense to get married ready for the day you split up" make me and ?

[jumpingbeans]

This is not anything other than how I feel about this subject,it's not right or wrong,it's just how I feel. I would not under any circumstances, live with, have children with,do all the "wifey" things with a man who has made it quite clear he would not marry me.

[seeker]

Why not? If he's prepared to do all those things with you but doesn't believe in marriage?

[Fennel]

Balloonslayer, it is ridiculous, that's why, that the law is set up in that way.

The anti-romantics among us who don't feel it's appropriate to commit for life to one person when 40% of marriages break down are coerced towards a state which repels us just as a finacial insurance gambit. It makes a mockery of most pro-marriage people's views of marriage. But it's what the UK law encourages.

Incidentally it's one of my main goals in life not to "do all the wifey things". urgh.

[PuppyMonkey]

Can I hijack to ask all the legal people on here a quick q. It has been raised on this thread about partners not being able to give consent for an operation or something... so...

Me and Dp are not married. but i'll be honest with you, we have been together so long nearly everyone assumes we are indeed married. Neither of us have parents still alive either.

So if he was in an accident and someone had to give consent for an operation, I believe i would be asked for my consent. Or would they say, no I'm afraid you haven't got the right to do that... we will delay this life saving operation until we find someone somewhere who may or may not have the right to give consent? Oh sorry, it's too late he's bled to death..?

Tia...

[jasper]

puppymonkey you would tell the doctor you are his wife. Problem solved.

I have never known hospital staff to request to see a marriage certificate.

[mabanana]

Dittany when you put
"And a father can nearly always go to court to get the name changed back"

But only if the mother is a paedophile I take it."

was that some kind of dig at me or something else? It just reads really oddly. I am trying to give helpful factual information to the OP and others, not have a row with you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

In hospital the NHS may regard you as next of kin in the event of your partner having a serious accident. If he has other direct family (i.e siblings) their opinion re any treatment may also be sought.

However, legally speaking you are not related to each other (there is no such thing as common law status in English law) and are thus not each other's next of kin. That is an important point to make. Therefore if he were to die suddenly you could find yourself in the position of not being able to obtain Letters of Administration nor arrange a headstone. Other members of his family be it siblings, cousins could have their own say. Apart from dealing with your own emotional grief at such a time you would also have to deal with the financial and legal implications. You would also not be in recept of any widow's allowance as again you are unmarried.

[motherinferior]

May I just ask what a 'wifey' thing is?

And/or should I tell Mr Inferior that my continuing prevarication on the subject of matrimony (my current ploy is to insist on having Stand By Your Man at the theoretical wedding) means he should stop doing the laundry and cooking the tea?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

PuppyMonkey,

Some more information for you:-

Similarly, there may be issues as to involvement in decisions on medical treatment etc because it must always be remembered that the partner of someone who is unmarried is not the next of kin.

You also will not be permitted to administer his estate upon his death.

Is your partner actually aware of the many financial and legal implications that you or he would be faced with if either of you were to due suddenly?. He likely is not.

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

I did used to think that it was no big deal not to be married, but then my (male) cousins' fiancee dropped dead suddenly and horrifically when their baby was 12wks old. As well as being completely distraught, he found that he was NOT her next of kin, despite living together. And, despite his name being on the birth certificate and his son having his name, he was NOT the child's legal guardian- noone was. Which meant the child could not get a passport, for example and that noone could sign consent for a medical procedure. It took weeks, social workers reports, court appearances and lots of money to become his legal guardian, even though noone contested his right to be so. Really made me see just how important that "piece of paper" can be.