Should I be upset that he wont marry me?

[ChezzaB]

Hi This may seem like a strange one but humour me please.... my dp and I have a 7mo ds who has my dp's surname, am I stupid for caring that me and my son have different names? I know I can change my name egally but I relly wanted to have the special day but dp is totally against it! I did know this from the beginning but my feelings have changed now we have a child! Am I just being stupid?Now whenever I mention it I get accused of nagging, should I just give up and deal with the fact that I'll never get the fairytale wedding I desire?!

[seeker]

What batters said.

[mabanana]

No, not really. It is absolutely a last resort. Courts are hugely reluctant to do this and most of the few cases where it has been allowed is where the father has been convicted of a high profile crime where there has been publicity that could hurt the child's interests.

[motherinferior]

Can't you add your surname to your child's? My kids both have both parents' surnames. Would have had even if we were married.

[mabanana]

You would even have to go to court for that, if the child's father does not consent. It is still a change of name.

[LittleMyDancingWithTheDevil]

agree with seeker and batters - DP and I are one of the longest lasting and most solid relationships I know. We've just never had the urge to spend vast sums of money on a wedding and aren't sufficiently interested in being married to bother doing the registry office thing.

We know what we mean to each other.

[BalloonSlayer]

I didn't know there was a problem changing a child's surname.

Lots of children I know of have suddenly changed their surname (well, about 4 or 5).

Is that true you can only do it with the father's consent?

[mabanana]

Yes, legally you can only do it with consent. And a father can nearly always go to court to get the name changed back, if he can be bothered.

[2rebecca]

I would be reluctant to have children with a man unless married. If I accidentally got pregnant then I would feel that if he wasn't committed enough to me to get married then my child has my surname.

[LittleMyDancingWithTheDevil]

BalloonSlayer I only know one other person in the WORLD who says 'Well I'll go to the foot of our stairs'!

Do you also say 'I'm under the doctor'?

[jasper]

I'm not married to my kids' dad. They have his name and I have mine.

It does not concern me in the least.

WHy does it bother you?

[jasper]

Is this just about names?

or are you upset that he doesn't want to marry you?

[motherinferior]

Incidentally, my partner and I are committed to co-parenting, whether or not we remain domestically/sexually involved.

[motherinferior]

Yes, but if she has continued in the labour market and both parties have wills and are jointly on the mortgage, the main issue is in the event of one partner's death when non-married parents don't receive an allowance. In the event of a separation surely the kids get a financial contribution from their father?

I do take the point about that, but I find I can't really face marriage nevertheless.

[mumblechum]

I would never have children without being married to the father for reasons mentioned earlier (inheritance, widows benefit, spousal maintenance, interest in property etc).

As a family lawyer it's hard to explain to a cohabitee that no, there ain't no such thing as a common law wife, she isn't going to get any maintenance and she can't stay in the house.

[motherinferior]

FWIW I think the legality issue is a much more sensible basis for approaching marriage than the sentimental one.

[seeker]

The legal arrangements are easily sorted. Parental responsibility, if necessary, properly made out wills - job done.

[mumblechum]

No, they're not all easily sorted, Seeker. If not married and nothing stated on the title deeds, the house has to be sold and the monies divided equally if the parties separate.

If married, the woman can often stay in the house, at least until the children are grown, and is entitiled to spousal maintenance to help pay the bills.

[PuppyMonkey]

So marriage basically is all about getting things in proper order for when you split up! Ah, the irony....

[motherinferior]

Well, given the statistical likelihood that you will split, seems pretty sensible to me, actually. A one in three chance isn't one I'd particularly back.