Husband says it is all in my head after baby

[Abulupmb]

My husband and I have within a few years had a baby and got married. There’s always been arguments and things that he’s been not very nice to me about but I feel since we’ve had a child it’s gotten so much worse.

I suffered with quite bad postnatal depression when my son was born and was finally formally diagnosed a year and a half later. I was in therapy but had to quit as I wasn’t getting the support I needed at home from him. I was offered anti depressants which I am reluctant to take.

My husband makes me really unhappy, nearly everyday I get a dig made at me which I then get told it wasn’t and it’s in my head.

He will get defensive if I mention something he doesn’t like and then I get told he hasn’t and it’s in my head or the way I’ve taken it.

He can never find fault with himself or what he’s done and I’m made to feel like it’s all my and it’s my fault for taking it the wrong way.

When my son was born I gave up everything, reduced my hours at a job I love, given up any form of socialising. I barely go out anymore as I want to be with my son but he goes to football every couple weeks and doesn’t even give me a time he will be home.

I feel so helpless and alone with how he’s making me feel. He makes me feel like he hates me and I can’t do anything right.

An example of how things upset me that I get told shouldn’t, on our wedding day I was told there was a photo to be taken of his family and I wasn’t to be in it as it’s ’bloodline’ only. This has since been repeated with photos with my son. When I mentioned how it made me upset I was told that it wouldn’t make him upset and he wouldn’t care if it was the other way around and he couldn’t see a problem. Again making me believe it’s all in my head.

I feel I can’t even talk to him anymore because it will be spun round to be me and my problem and he won’t actually take accountability or admit that he has done something wrong or said something in a nasty way.

It has been called out by my own family of how he can talk nastily and aggressively without him realising but still he won’t hold himself accountable or actually admit to this and listen to me when I get so wound up by it.

I wake up everyday hopeless and feeling so depressed. I fully believe my postnatal depression has since relieved because every problem I now have and every depressive feeling I have is linked to my husband. But I get told him and his parents think I should take the anti depressants almost excusing his own behaviour and being my bad mental health.

I’m at a complete loss and feel so completely helpless. I wake up everyday so unhappy. He says he won’t let me leave him as he will make it difficult for me and I will ruin my son’s life and he will grow up to hate me for it and says I should just give up because unlike him I’m a quitter.

Does anyone have any advice because I’m struggling with it all? Is this normal or is it all in my head?

The family photo is the wrong thing to focus on.

im sick. I desperately want a photo of me and my kids and grandkids. No shade to my DIL and SIL but I just want one of me and my kids and their kids.

i understand that, it was just an example I used was all of how he doesn’t hear my feelings.

Im really sorry to hear you’re sick and completely understand that.

OP, you need this quote:

Thank you. And please don’t think I am trying to minimise how he treats you. I hope you have support in real life.

Sorry if you've answered this and I've missed it. Why are you reluctant to take antidepressants?

Nasty bully of a man.

Oh op this thread isn’t going to help you. People will encourage scorched earth.

the fact is you are severely depressed and anxious. You need to get this fixed , once this is done,you Can review if it is your husband, or if he’s reacting to living with an unwell person, anyone who tells you he shouldn’t has never lived the difficult in it.

either way, take the medication, get healthy, don’t blow up your life, then review the situation again.

He’d doctor diagnosed it. Post natal depression is real

Sounds like it could be a bit of both.

None of us are able to tell the tone in which he is saying things etc.

One thing I would say though is that when we become parents I don't think we should lose ourselves, and actually the opposite is true. It is important to hold on to who you are. If work makes you happy, and being at home with a toddler doesn't, then don't martyr yourself- both you and your child might be better off if you go back. The same for meeting up with friends. Your dh shouldn't go to football all the time, but it might be important that he goes some of the time, so long as you get equal time for the things important to your mental health.

there was a photo to be taken of his family and I wasn’t to be in it as it’s ’bloodline’ only. This has since been repeated with photos with my son.

That is shocking.
I wonder if he knows your son has your DNA 50% or if he thinks you were just a womb receptacle?

Forgive me asking but is he or his family from another country? This attitude seems more like one from 100s of years ago.

I think your post natal depression has been made worse because of your relationship.

@Abulupmb

He lies to you, belittles you, and gaslights you. You say you had started therapy but stopped because you 'didn't get any support at home'. This pretty much says it all. He either doesn't give a shit or he likes having you insecure and fearful because it means you don't question him. Personally, I think he's an abusive asshole and you should divorce him. But that's your decision and you may not be 'there' yet.

You say your family has 'called out' his behaviour to you. So sounds to me as if they have your back. Is there a way you and baby can go visit them for a week or so without your DH? I suggest this because it may be interesting to see how your emotions feel if he's not around to criticize and gaslight you. Plus, it will give you some needed emotional respite.

You don't have to live like this.

In isolation what’s wrong with that sort of photo grandmother and I have cancer I desperately want a Pic of me with my kids and their kids.

it’s not about my DIL BEING Aa womb receptacle or my SIL a sperm donor. It’s my kids and their kids. And I don’t think I’m wrong for wanting that.

Lovely, this is not a normal relationship! My husband would be slapped with divorce papers so fast he’d get whiplash if he spoke to me like this!

"He says he won’t let me leave him as he will make it difficult for me and I will ruin my son’s life and he will grow up to hate me for it and says I should just give up because unlike him I’m a quitter."

The man is very clearly an abuser and a gaslighter.

Get divorced. This man is abusing you.

You are absolutely being abused, he sounds like a right dick. You have to understand that this is not normal, you deserve better. See a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. I would also vocalize concerns about him seeing your son without supervision, you never know what vile lies he could say to your child. OP I wish you all the best, be strong! 💐

'The bloodline'? Who are they!?!? The bloody royal family? Your son is also your 'bloodline', or does it only apply to the males in the family? Never heard anything so ridiculous. I would laugh in someone's face if they said that. Particularly my husband's. Although we have had photos of his grandad (105y!), Dad, uncles, cousin and all the kids. I thought it was quite nice. But noone said 'bloodline'.

Some people here are suggesting he's 'not that bad', but it seems to be he is abusive. He's essentially told you you can't leave. You can. Yes, you will have to share your son, but it's a damn sight better than him growing up in this toxic mess.

I hope you find the courage to contact some helpful charities to support your exit. Women's aid, or the likes.

I wish you all the luck you deserve. You can do this and this time next year, could be living a relatively, carefree life with you and your son in a nice little place just of your own. How does that sound?

You are not crazy. He is a big part of why you feel like this. He’s not going to change. For yourself and your son who will learn how to treat women because of this you should end the marriage. If he makes it difficult so what? He’s already making life difficult. He would rather go to football than be with his son he won’t be asking for main parent, and you reduced your hours to be a parent son will stay with you most of the time time. And when he’s not with you you can focus on getting yourself back xx

Do you have family you can stay with? Even a short break might give you a clearer head and time to plan?
if not, use your funded childcare to work and save up. Hide some money away each month to get out.

There is a reason for this. Like a boiled frog analogy. No one gets into an abusive relationship, because the relationship and abuser hide their true selves.

Years ago I met a very outgoing man and at the time he worshipped me (love bombing) but I feel for it. Then came the comments - I was flying high in my career and he would say ‘the other shoes go better with that one I really like those shoes they look really good on you’ ok I said and I’d put the other shoes on and then gradually without me realising it I became low, my spark had gone and friends stopped calling and I couldn’t work out why. His family would say photo - just our family not me as in ‘blood’ etc and exclude me. He had me questioning everything even talked me into medication - then it ramped up. If I challenged it he would bluster or tell me I was too sensitive, or not sensitive enough or it was in my head. These are the tricks of the abuser to deploy. He made me doubt friends etc

You can do the freedom programme online cheaply and without him knowing or buy the book on your kindle etc but this is not you or your anxiety or depression - you might have those but these are caused by him.

What you describe is abuse. Thus counselling will not work - never do counselling with an abuser!