Marriage problems and divorce

[ThatAdeptTiger]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and can’t quite get my head around it. Why do people get married, make those vows, and then end up divorcing? I saw that around 42% of marriages in the UK end this way, which just feels incredibly high.

I don’t mean this in a judgmental way at all. I know life isn’t straightforward and relationships are complicated. People go through all sorts, stress, depression, menopause, life pressures, health issues and all of that must put a huge strain on even the strongest relationships. But I suppose that’s part of what I’m wondering… what changes? Do people go into marriage without really understanding what it takes, or do things just evolve over time in ways you can’t predict? Maybe more importantly, why does it feel like people don’t (or can’t) talk things through and fight for their marriage anymore? Is it that communication breaks down beyond repair, or that people are less willing to stay and work through issues than in the past?

I’d genuinely be interested to hear different perspectives, especially from people who’ve been through it. What actually happens between “I do” and deciding to walk away?

The bit I find difficult to understand is that most people are dead against having an affair and say you should leave your partner instead, but “forsaking all others” and “till death do you part” are both marriage vows and there isn’t anything in the ceremony indicating that one should take priority over the other.

Is this a troll post designed to get a reaction? If so, here’s mine:

You really can’t say you’re not being judgemental and then be… judgemental (and quite patronising).

Of course most people talk it over and absolutely agonise over breaking up a family. Of course people understand their vows. But, thankfully, more people - women especially - are able to exit relationships where walking away is better than sticking around. I am
certain divorce rates would have been higher years ago if women were actually able to leave when they wanted or needed to.

Affairs have no real consequences on the cheaters anymore.

People don't always know......i married my first husband not knowing that he was violent.
I tried talking until the day i realised he would never stop.

I’m sorry if it came across that way, that genuinely wasn’t my intention.

I completely take your point, especially about people being more able to leave unhappy or unhealthy relationships now and that being a positive thing. I don’t think anyone should feel they have to stay if it’s not right or if they’re not safe.

I think what I was trying (maybe clumsily) to get at is more about what happens over time in relationships, especially with all the pressures people are under like stress, mental health struggles, menopause, etc and whether there are points where things could be turned around, or whether by the time people separate it’s already gone too far.

I didn’t mean to sound patronising or dismissive of how difficult those decisions are. I can imagine it’s incredibly painful and not something anyone takes lightly.

I’m really sorry you went through that..that must have been incredibly hard.

You’re absolutely right, sometimes you don’t know who someone really is until you’re already in it, and in situations like that there isn’t anything to “work through”.. leaving is the only safe and sensible option.

That’s an interesting way of looking at it, and I can see what you mean about the vows on paper.

Silly post best to speak to divorce lawyers or read through relationships /divorce /separation section on mumsnet you will find what you’re looking for.

Experiences change both of you, but not necessarily at the same rate. You can talk things over but not agree. Why should 2 people stay together if they'd rather be apart?

I'm not sure what you actually want from this post tbh.
Journalism?
I mean most people go into a marriage hoping it will work.
It doesn't work usually because of infedelty, abuse, control ( see abuse) unmet expectations, literally loads of reasons humans can not get on with each other.
I'm only wondering why you don't know this already 🙄

There are so many possibilities:

Nobody can fully predict how someone will behave when it comes to challenging life events or even how they themselves will behave - this includes having children.

Challenging events can change your own perspective and desires.

People take each other for granted and things slide onto roommate territory.

People settle in the first place and think it'll be OK.

People marry when in they're in love and haven't had to deal with any big life stuff.

People want to get married/have children and overlook existing issues.

Women don't have to put up with any old shit treatment from men and can live independently.

Divorce is no longer a social taboo or shameful, so people split up instead of carrying on unhappily together untol their dying day.

Whatever the reason, I doubt many go into marriage thinking 'oh well, we can always get divorced'; I'd say the majority go into it with good intentions and optimism.

if your marriage has worked out fine or reasonable enough, to the extent that you cannot work out why this might not be the case for others, then that’s nice for you but also quite the failure of imagination and/or basic research.

https://www.domesticabusecommissioner.uk/3-8-million-people-subject-to-domestic-abuse-in-the-last-year/ This might help you understand. Bear in mind that not all abuse is reported, these figures are probably the tip of a very large iceberg.

The vows are not separate, they're contingent on each other.

Put it this way, if one of the couple cheats, they have violated a condition of the marriage contract ("forsaking all others"). They are in breach, and therefore the rest of it is void (including "death do us part").

Consider it a material breach allowing the other party to terminate the contract.

Are you married?

Marriage was unril recently a contract and framework for the raising of children. Somehow it became Disneyfied and all about love and passion and now when the love and passion fade people feel entitled to bin the marriage. This is facilitated by the state providing for people so they can walk out of a marriage when they feel like it and be supported with ‘benefits’.

And if you're breaching the contract anyway, I'd see leaving as preferable over cheating, because it's more respectful and honest.

Cheating involves deception, lying and denying the other person full information on which to base their decisions about their own life. It removes informed consent and risks the other person's sexual health unknowingly, if there's still a sexual relationship.

I think if you knew the gory details as for the 42% are ending in divorce you wouldn’t be questioning it. The majority of these marriages will be ending due to things that can’t just be talked through. But most people will not be telling random folk at work etc the real reason for their divorce. I am getting divorced because my husband had a year long affair and I found out, but it’s still not a decision I took lightly. People I am not close to are told we ‘grew apart’ and maybe, like you, they wonder why we couldn’t fight for the marriage. I’d suspect this is the same for people in abusive marriages as well.

I think the vows are not the most important part of a marriage, the most important part is the legal contract you enter. It’s the protection it gives, primarily, women post childbirth. It allows women to have children, make the sacrifices that normally comes with it financially but still have the ability to leave and get their fair share of the family assets if needed. Once the relationship has broken down those vows become meaningless and I am happy that they do. Nobody should spend their life being miserable or unsafe just because of some romantic promise they made to someone years earlier.

Same here. My marriage ended due to long term historic infidelity but for the kids' sake we said we "grew apart".

Obviously we went into the marriage thinking it was forever & believing the vows but life got in the way. In our case it was the grind of having very young children that my exH particularly struggled with.

He regretted his behaviour and blowing the family apart but as a couple we couldn't recover from it.

I find the original post quite irritating and judgemental tbh.
Very few people just walk away from marriages for no reason but the reasons may well be kept private hence it looks like they "didn't try" to stay together.

Life happens
people change
you only get one life

simple as

Yes, I get that if one party breaches either clause the whole contract is broken.

My point is that people advocate against breaching one clause in favour of breaching the other.

FWIW I agree about this ordering, but the contract itself doesn’t.

Some people like me and DH grew up with parents (who are mid 70s now), who cheated, shouted, stomped, slammed doors, had affairs, gambled, argued constantly etc

Some of us grew up not realising that marriage was serious! Some of us grew up in such awful environments that a happy marriage and home life sounded like a myth!

And from what I've learnt about my Grandma who was born in 1913 is that everything I experienced, she also experienced as a child from her parents.

I love history. I recently found out that in the 1700s having affairs was very common!

So yeah, humans just being humans I suppose. As sad as that is 💐

(I am having therapy to break the generational trauma cycle!)

I don't understand how marriage is the social norm if it's never been the "norm" to be faithful.

(looking at history, Bible, Royals and whatnot)

Struggle with reconciling it all tbh! I think too much 🤣