Bird/bid theory: A way to know if you're in a good relationship?

[MyrtleLion]

I've been reading so many threads today where the male partner/husband has behaved poorly to the OP, including being annoyed when his wife/partner was seriously ill with flu.

And then I read this article about predicting/knowing if you're in a good relationship: https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2025/dec/04/bird-theory-relationship

In 2022, the researcher and psychologist Julie Gottman explained the concept of a “bid for connection” in the New York Times. She explained it is best defined as an attempt to receive attention, affirmation or affection from a partner.

She gave an example: “Wow, look at that beautiful bird out the window!” This simple exclamation is an invitation for a partner to notice something with you.
Bids can be verbal or nonverbal, small or big, negative or positive. It could be letting out an , or making a direct ask for a date night. Regardless of the bid itself, “turning towards” or acknowledging it is key, according to Gottman.

Gottman and her husband, John, developed a theory about relationships based on bids for connection after tracking newlyweds for six years, starting in 1986. The Gottmans’ research found that couples who stayed together responded to bids about 86% of the time. The couples who divorced responded with an average of 33%.

I discussed it with my DH and we agreed that we are definitely in the 86% range - we are genuinely interested in each other.

What do you think? Is this useful? Is it something we should teach our kids?

Ignoring the rudeness above, I am not sure its something that can be taught. Surely its about the chemistry and the combination of personalities. Obviously not considering the deliberately morose and general assholes of the population, people are different. It IS interesting though, taking this into other interactions, especially in toxic workplaces, it is telling to now consider the people who never bid. They are usually the fairly useless but nonetheless successful ones in the leadership team in my experience.

Can’t read the article without signing up.

Also, going with the toxic leaders I have to sit with, I have learned one of the greatest superpowers is to NOT respond to their bids. But me and my husband can do an hour long commute multiple times a week and talk about anything that either of us started. Unless its about spending or how long we have left to save for retirement, we always talk about random birds, the weather, the news etc and usually have a right old laugh so I get the point.

I still have no idea what this thread is about and I am not going to open any random links.

@Salvadoridory By the way, and talking of rudeness, it really isn't the done thing to start a thread on here with little other than a series of quotes and random links.

If you want people to know something, then tell us. Don't expect us to do the work.

And that is a perfect example of not turning towards someone when they make a bid!! 🤣

How peculiar. You seem to be speaking on behalf of a forum as if you have some sort of higher membership or authority. Its a public forum without a code of practice and there are no embedded rules. You add some jolly interesting perspectives on interaction and belonging yourself. What fun!

Thanks for the interesting article OP! Something I am definitely guilty of when my OH is excited about (usually sports) and I can feel myself itching to pick up my phone!

And a link to the Guardian, whilst not to my taste, is hardly unusual in middle class forum land is it? Random would be probably better written but not a known source.

Here is an archive link for those who haven't signed up to the Guardian website: https://archive.ph/qSZyi It's free to register and I don't pay money for it, so I wasn't aware that there was a barrier.

I quoted the main point of the article in italics, for those who didn't want to click through. And I asked questions at the bottom of my post, so if you didn't get that far, don't blame me if you didn't get the point. Read the whole post. If you don't get it, why bother commenting?

I think the theory is useful. If you don't pay attention to your partner when they ask for it, then it seems to be a strong indicator that you will split up. I was pleased when I read it, because my DH and I respond to each other a lot of the time.

I wonder if it helps with raising kids. I read a thread about a lovely teenage DD whose dad is ignoring her because he thinks she's annoying. Does that indicate a healthy parent/child relationship?

I wonder if we can use this to improve our relationships. Either not picking up our phone when they're talking about football, or listening a little bit and saying I'm really happy your team is doing well, that's great for you but you know I'm not as into it as you are. We don't have to answer bids all the time - we might be busy or uninterested - but maybe we should try to respond when we do care about our partners.

And I also wonder when posters are upset that their DH is being unreasonable and not supporting them, whether they could use this theory to assess their relationship and decide for themselves that it's not working, well before it falls apart spectacularly.

So if you draw your partner's attention to something and they show interest that's a positive? Can that change though...as relationships develop can their interest change making your bids in the minority?

Yes that's right.

I agree that it can change. Probably after the first two years when it goes from attraction to commitment (or not), and maybe later if someone becomes chronically ill.

My XH was very attentive until he wasn't and then it was because he was shagging other women.

If only I knew (or cared) wtf you are on about.

The gift that keeps in giving. If you don't care, why do you keep wasting time responding to our bids? Do you see the irony? 😅

If you’re not interested and don’t understand, perhaps try another thread?

Budding for connection is a fairly commonly used concept in psychology around relationships between children and parents as well as adult relationships. Children make bids for connection to their caregivers and the way they are responded to builds the foundation of the relationship.

This is very interesting. The imbalance with my exh was that I felt at least that I responded to nearly all his bids nearly all the time, whereas I felt that mine mostly fell flat or were somehow disregarded.

In my current relationship I think we respond equally to each other's bids. It was something I noticed from the beginning, without putting those words to it. It just felt so nice and reciprocal.

I agree it works for relationships with children also.

I think this is a repackaging of the concept of being 'open to influence'.

And yes, I am happily married to a man who I believe is open to influence from me and vice versa.

Historically for me, romantic relationships with what was referred to as 'emotionally unavailable' people ultimately foundered, because those people weren't interested in what I wanted from a relationship, which resulted in some deep (fatal) imbalance.

I have experienced the issue of relationships not working due to the other person not being 'open to influence' more in non-romantic relationships, however. I have had a couple of friendships end when I wouldn't go along with their narrative, and my relationship with my in-laws is now non-existent as everything had to be very 'on their terms', and my relationship with my own parents has suffered over the years due to similar rigidity.

What is interesting is that neither of these articles really tell you what to do if your engagement, and openness to influence/turning towards the other person is not reciprocated. That reality isn't really acknowledged.

I don't know if this really explains why people end relationships. I imagine not responding to each other's "bids" is reflective of a wider pattern of behaviours in which the couple are drifting apart as they head towards a break up. Conversely, in healthy long-term partnerships, participation and reciprocity are going to be central features that help to sustain a strong connection.

My ex-husband responded positively to any suggestions I made for us to do things together. But there were other issues that caused strain and ultimately led to us divorcing. His enthusiasm to spend time together sadly didn't change that outcome.

Why so aggressive @RescueMeFromThisSilliness? Surely you can see from the OP what this is about?

No need for the way in which you’re responding here.

I'm not being aggressive, I'm just frustrated and irritated by the complete lack of engagement when I ask a question.
No I can't see what this is about from the OP. I am not in the habit of opening random links on threads. I asked because I still don't know what a bid is and got sarky replies. My first post was responded to by someone telling me I was rude for wanting the OP to enlarge on what their point was. Not sure why that was deleted or why anyone thought it was rude, but hey ho. It would be nice if someone would actually explain what they are talking about instead of being so cryptic because we could then have a conversation, but nobody appears to want to do that.

So perhaps someone would like to explain: aside from being something you do at an auction... what is a bid?

That seems to be an awfully long and tortuous way to say

'A successful relationship is one where people like and care about the other's physical and emotional needs and talk to one another'.

But I guess you can't make much money out of flogging a book saying that.

She explained it is best defined as an attempt to receive attention, affirmation or affection from a partner.
She gave an example: “Wow, look at that beautiful bird out the window!” This simple exclamation is an invitation for a partner to notice something with you.
Bids can be verbal or nonverbal, small or big, negative or positive. It could be letting out an, or making a direct ask for a date night. Regardless of the bid itself, “turning towards” or acknowledging it is key, according to Gottman.

I think the OP was fairly succinct @RescueMeFromThisSilliness

Yes, this is very much a thing. It’s not about an interest in the bird; it’s about connection and demonstrating attunement in the relationship.

I actually use a similar theory in training horses that is based on this work.

To answer your question, I think Dh and I are pretty good at this. 17 happy, content years so far.