Left out by family

[ChilliPB]

Apologies if this is a bit of a long one.

My oldest sibling lives with my parents (she’s in her mid-40s and never left home). As a result they come as a ‘package’ - they do everything together and I never see my parents without her. I go and visit and she’s around. We get on fine but it’s obviously a different relationship to one where I’d see my parents (or her) separately. There’s a bit of co-dependency going on between her and my parents I think.

She is very close with our other sister. Other sister and I both live several hours away from parents.

My parents and the live-in sister basically plan their holidays together which is always to go and visit other sister.

They will do three trips to visit other sister this year, for a week or two at a time. That’s pretty much all of the live-in sister’s annual leave for the year. Parents are retired.

Because my two sisters are close and my parents do everything with the one that lives with them, the four of them (plus nieces and nephews) spend a good amount of time together (several weeks a year). It feels like they all come as a unit and I’m left out. They don’t mention to me that they are planning on doing something until it’s too late for me to join, and then it’s mentioned in passing (not an invite). There is space for my parents and the live-in sister to stay with my other sister but not space for me too.

In three years of living where I am now, neither sister has visited me and my parents visited me once. I’ve visited parents/sister about 3x a year and other sister (who is a flight away from me) about 1-2x a year. I put in all the effort.

I’m the youngest. I feel quite pushed out. We all get on fine when we do see each other and I don’t think it’s intentional but they feel like a bit of a clique and I’m on the outside.

Am I reasonable to be upset? Has this happened to anyone else? Would you mention this to the rest of the family?

Not unreasonable at all. I'd be very upset in your shoes. What a horrible way for them all to behave.

I would talk to your parents. It maybe they don’t realise how devise their actions are

If they continue then at least you know where you stand in the pecking order.

If they visited you do you have rooms for them to stay in?

Do you invite them?

Does your sister live in a particularly nice location?

We have two spare rooms but not as much space as my other sister. But we can put guests up.

My sister lives in a lovely location, but we live in the middle of a v popular tourist city so also a nice location! Plenty of our friends from elsewhere have visited to go to events/explore our city etc.

Oh and yes I invite them. Every time I see them I say it would be lovely to see them/they should come up and visit and suggest particular times of year eg ‘it’s lovely at Christmas, you should come and visit, we could take you to do X Y Z’.

They are always like ‘aww that sounds lovely’ but it never turns into anything. We all get on well when we see each other - there’s no reason I’m aware of they wouldn’t want to visit.

It feels more like they’re just all each others priority and I’m lower down the list of people to spend money/time/energy visiting.

I could maybe be more proactive to invite them and chase up. But I don’t want to force them into it - it would be nice if they initiated some plans and showed interest in doing something with me.

My husband is you in this situation exactly the same but he's the eldest, middle sister lives at home very entwined lives, and little sister is golden child and dh is black sheep/scapegoat after many years of not being able to go to his mum about anything personal as they come as a package he has gone no contact with them all for the last decade which although has done him the world of good, they are not bothered because they all stick together and he was just the black sheep and now they can't get to him directly they do it through muddying his name.
He's happy finally now but in these toxic enmeshed family's there always has to be a scapegoat to feed from and it sounds like that's you.
You don't need them, really you don't.
I'd like to guess you're mum is a narcissist and your sisters and husband are little flying monkeys who are also narcissists who trip over themselves to agree with everything she says and win her approval and nothing you ever do is good enough because as scapegoat they thrive and bond on putting you down to elevate their status.
Run for the hills, the pattern won't change it'll be your children next.

Thanks so much for the reply. Sorry for your DH, that sounds really tough.

My mum isn’t narcissistic at all - she runs around after everyone else and always has done, but oldest sister who lives with parents is maybe a bit narcissistic and she has our parents - particularly Mum - wrapped around her little finger, they literally do everything for her (she pays no rent, parents cook every single meal, maintain the house etc and look after her child full time).

I don’t think they talk badly of me, or dislike me - we all get on fine when we see each other. I’m just low down the priority list. It feels like they’re the nuclear family and I’m a layer outside of that - like a cousin or something?!

Not unreasonable to be upset obviously. I've experienced similar. I stopped making any effort and moved on. They suddenly noticed and made an effort. Do you know what though? I don't care. I'm an afterthought and I perceive this as a guilt response rather than being treated as an equal. They still holiday together without me but at this point I wouldn't want to go. Some families are just dysfunctional.

In your case you could bring it up/call IT out, that's certainly reasonable. Just be prepared for every potential response to that

Yanbu to be upset. But you can see how it happens. One sister lives with your parents and rightly ir wrongly have formed a unit with them and when they visit the other sister there isn't enough room for you to stay as well.

Do you ever visit your other sister abroad?

Maybe you can suggest a family holiday where you all go somewhere neutral?

Thanks @MynameisML and sorry to hear about your experience. I’m tempted to just take a little bit of a step back and see what happens.

Thanks @Truetoself. I visit my other sister once or twice a year. She’s not been to visit me in many years. (Obviously Covid has probably skewed that a bit as there were a couple of years nobody was going anywhere).

I could suggest a family holiday. I probably have more disposable money than the rest of my family (which is also maybe why I’m the one travelling to see them more) so I’m not sure we’d get anything planned. But definitely something to think about.

When you match other people's energy and input with the exact same - trust me - it will be interesting.

Now that my family have been on holiday without me like 4 times I no longer feel guilty for not dropping everything to see them when they do want me around. That time and money is best spent on other things, plus extending invitations for them to visit you will negate any suggestions that you're not wanting to see them.

Other people will notice if you do this. Don't chase after people who don't treat you with the same respect.

My hubby is left out by his family now since his elder brother kicked up a stink regarding us spending alot of time with his parents and holidaying with them. He now doesn't get invited to Christmases, told when family members are up visiting etc as the older brother will get upset... The older "golden child" now gets all of their attention whilst my hubby and our family are treated like crap. He has now distanced himself after 4 years and the relationship will never recover due to all the hurt and lies.

My advice - if you want to holiday with them, then suggest a holiday and discuss it. If you feel excluded - talk to them. If it doesn't change then you know where you stand. No winners in situations like this

I am in a very similar situation with regards to the left out part. I think of myself as the lucky one. What life will a 40 year old woman have once her parents die? No husband, no kids, looking after elderly parents until they die. And the other sister spending all her holidays with them. Id be running off into the sunset thanking God it wasnt me. I did in fact.

The next time they ask if you'll visit I would be inclined to ask if they would like them to come visit you first as you're always going to them. If they say they have no time/cash point out they always have time/money to go visit other sister. I'd tell them it's not nice to feel you aren't part of the family or ever invited to meet altogether. You're allowed to tell them your feelings are hurt. How they respond will determine how you react after.

I think this post accurately describes the situation. The live-at-home sister calls the shots, your parents are subservient to her, and she doesn't care for you.

I'm sorry.

I'd back off from trying with your parents. Concentrate on building a relationship with the other sister.

Do that, Chilli, take that step back!