What do you consider a narcissist

[probablynotthesame]

I have been out of an abusive relationship for 10 years. I truly believe that my ex is a narcissist by things I have read since splitting up and reflected on my experiences whilst together.

I'm conscious that if you truly want to believe something or desperate for an answer you can end up making things 'fit' to give yourself answer.

So what traits/behaviours do you think a true narcissist presents?

No agenda just a curious question.

I think it runs massively on a scale. My ex was never violent and never told me i wasnt allowed to do anything. I was never physically afraid of him. So the man you see on tele screaming and hissing with his fist clenched over a cowering woman is probably the rarer type. I think there are alot more emotionally abusive men. Lying and addiction go hand in hand. A large amount of narcs have an addicition to drugs, booze or sex. They often overspend and dont take responsibilty.

Its also impossible for a victim to switch off. If you have been emotionally abused or are around a narc i would say you have changed. You wake up and your brain goes straight to them. You probably live like a detective on steroids. You are probably anxious alot. You probably are distracted and crying alot. You are probably in a high and low state depending on them. Ultimately anyone who is making you feel like the above is making you ill inside. So its something toxic and thats basically a narcissist.

very probably the same guys'n'gals in the area as it would appear from these threads they sure do get around ..... promiscuity not mentioned clinically I note ojo

Someone who has had a professional diagnosis.

It's rather tiresome on here the amount of posters who have made their own armchair diagnosis of a partner or family member.

I also hate the abbreviation 'narc' when used to describe their ex etc.

@Attelina unfortunately it's well documented that the actual diagnosis number is thought to be incredibly low due to (but not exclusive of) them not believing anything is wrong with their behaviour - a well known narcissistic trait, therefore the openness and willingness of one to be professionally tested and diagnosed is very slim.

I agree the terminology is flung around in very casual terms which somewhat dilutes the severity of the true impact a narcissistic person can have on someone.

Technically they only need to meet 2 points (think it used to be 4 or 5 out of 9) of the criteria on the dsm now to be narcissist. Would need a professional to diagnose but realistically... most of us who've experienced their kind and read a handful of books can spot it. Probably moreso than many professionals tbf, simply as it's not an area they've actually had call to focus their study on.

Some narcissists are much worse than others.
Imo the worst of them... they give you this awful knot in your stomach. You feel uneasy around them. You may feel like a gazelle being hunted by a lion because they hyper fixate on you (eg: on a date this might present as them really staring at you intensely and quickfiring questions at you). That's when I know I'm dealing with a really malignant narcissist/sociopath. That hyperfixation they have on you. Sometimes alongside superficial charm. And that awful feeling of 'run'. (Of course, some people mistake that nervous feeling as butterflies. If he's good looking for example).

Ironically, you'd think they'd only talk about themselves, and many of them do of course! But they are just your typical grandiose wanker, easier to spot. The ones that fixate on you are the ones that really give me the fear.

In general though, selfishness. That's the underpin for every single one of them. No matter how else they present. They are completely amd utterly selfish. It'll often present as boundary pushing, or 'punishing' behaviour. They are often spiteful. Sometimes just like a 2 year old you've told 'no'. But those higher on the malignancy scale...they'll deliberately scheme on how to best cause you pain.

There's such a wide range tbf.
No one person is the same afterall.

How do you get away when you are financially dependent. Have such low self esteem you don’t think you have the courage to “start again”…. you have “nothing” yet enough to prevent you getting access to benefits. You have 2 dependent although getting older DS’s… 2 aging parents who would help financially but simply can’t… in fact they are getting to an age where they are going to NEED you!!
The sadness. The guilt (you was married to a grandiose one for 5 years but got away) now this Covert one is another level?!!

No one would believe the emotional rollercoaster you are on. He’s the “good” guy everyone loves. He has no idea he is what he is. Or so he says….. following marriage to a grandiose narc…. the pattern was practically the same. The love bomb YEARS! then the change of circumstances saw the change in him. (Grandiose was the birth of our first DS) - this Coverts change finally came after “walking on air” for 6/7 years of happiness/building a business together…. all with the common goal of buying a house big enough to blend our families. We did that. As son as we moved in the change was overnight. I was future faked/gaslighted & although there’s no “affairs” (I believe) the total change from “best thing that had ever happened to me” to someone who suddenly had a mini husband (even tho it’s his DS - eldest of our 4 boys) - I became a 2nd class citizen overnight…. a secretary to the business:cleaner /one night stand that never went home level of “respect “ then of course the realisation..the shock - the disappointment - his reactions behaviours/treatment of me & our relationship completely at odds to words he had said & STILL SAYS & of course to how other people view him. So many crazy making arguments later & I’m the bad guy. Been gaslighted by my own parents (until his mask slipped a few times-then finally that stopped)

But I simply do not know what to do… the only advice i’ve ever had was to start skimming money ready for my escape…
I could do that but it’s risky & would take forever. I’m terrified of the forth coming empty nest years as my DS’s are off to Uni. Then it will just be him & his toxic family (his own DS’s & various siblings etc most of which don’t even acknowledge my existence really….thank god).

He keeps me hostage as he can’t do many things without my help. But if I was to leave?? what would I do?? I have been a stay at home mum - a running a small family business office from my kitchen table. NO up to date training. At an age where I feel invisible anyway. I physically & mentally feel drained. exhausted & the only thing that keeps me going are my amazing DS’s & my horse I loan twice a week…

I used to be so popular & confident. I have no idea who i am at all anymore. I distanced myself from friends ds due to not being able to keep up facades - YEP RED FLAG - He is not violent. He is not abusive. But he is simply not “there” - I used to be a typical people pleaser - empath in love. Give Give Give….too many accidental run ins with his toxic family & friends….
Along with the gaslighting. The realisation I’d been knocked pff my pedestal once my work was done. Now i’m just expected to be grateful as I’m financially secure. Don’t have to work a lot - I’m held hostage by a “good life” yet all i hear is the victim mentality & the excuses to withhold sex (when he feels like it) as he’s so tired (this was an area that was really good) but because he works soooo hard!! & anyone looking in would agree - I almost look like a lazy cow…. I could do more but even so
rine never has your back… has lied even about the stupidest of things…keeps you dangling by looking like they might “change back”
mow & again only to let you down more…

I’ve weathered smear campaigns - been bread crumbed to death - I’ve been called everything from useless to explosive emotional/menopausal/depressed… that’s just by his family. I never feel “safe” - we were together 7 years building our business & everything was GOOD. - I now understand it as kind a lie… all I wanted was to get a house get married - work hard & get married… friends/lovers/a team… we moved in just over 5 years ago. Been together 14 years…. So I can “do” what I want… I have a decent home-the kids have all they need. But from the day we moved in everything changed. The emotional discard was obvious. The connection almost severed as soon as he was asked to “step up” and parent his ever more difficult son…. tears when the gaslighting started & then covid 🤷🏼‍♀️…. then my DS became depressed & attempted suicide. Yes he was there Mr supportive but hardly couldn’t be as all eyes were on us… fast forward 3 years & both my sons diagnosed Adhd/Asd & doing well. They love him but they know he doesn’t treat me “right”….

I feel like a prisoner… but I could escape but the escape route looks even more difficult & more terrifying. I’m 51….
I went through one divorce & was hounded until I had a restraining order put on my ex husband… difference was I had fell out of love with him… BUT ON REFLECTION - this guy something else. Grandiose No1 never pretended to be anything he wasn’t.
He didn’t lie he just did what he liked & told me to like it or lump it. No one would have described him as “a nice bloke” where as this one…. he might as well be golden balls. I am literally up shit street without a paddle. trauma bonded to a man who is an emotional retard…. but was the opposite for YEARS….

Any thoughts?? or just tell me what a div I am. As I know exactly what parts I’ve played so well…. 🤷🏼‍♀️😢 thanks for reading x

This. It's a very overused term. I do believe I know two people who fit into this category, although one (ex boss) was possibly just a nasty abusive manipulative prick.