One day you'll actually enhance my life rather than fucking making me miserable.

[teacheroffsick]

What a thoroughly depressing thing for him to say to me. He refuses to consider a divorce. I have no job at the moment so I'm stuck with him. Feeling very fed up. Thought I'd just and share my world with you lot. Now I've written it down, I'll remember he said this to me.
It was because I turned the tv off after two episodes of a programme he claimed to dislike (he was on his phone) as I was heading up to bed. He told me that one day I'll learn what the word 'courtesy' means. I just left in silence. Everytime he is mean or belittles me, I think I will just get up and leave the room from now on. Maybe I should have offered him the remote but he could have asked. I just can't be bothered to even try anymore. He whinges at me all the time, everyday.

[OldKingCole]

Just because he won’t consider a divorce it doesn’t mean you can’t separate…maybe it’s worth considering?

[SantaBarbaraMonica]

I’m so sorry you feel trapped. It shouldn’t be like this. I’d move into the spare room and try separate my life as much as possible. Is that anyway realistic?

[SeulementUneFois]

Stay strong OP.
What matters is that you're waking up to this. You can work on the practicalities.

I am / have been in a similar situation, relationship wise. And I've been like a boiled frog for ages, not realising, then not wanting to realise it, because of love.
And only now slowly coming to terms with it. Actually for me the practicalities could have worked sooner, it was just myself holding myself back. Then inertia.

So knowing what you want to do, even if you can't yet, is a large part of the battle.

[TeaMistress]

You don't need his consent for a divorce. You don't have to live like this, he sounds like a rude abusive twat. It doesn't matter whether he wants to "consider" a divorce. If you decide enough is enough then you absolutely can file for divorce yourself. He longer has any right to object. Are there children to think about? I'm assuming you own joint property? Time to think about how long you want to waste on this abusive slug and then start the process of getting ducks in a row.

[Copperoliverbear]

Just because he doesn't want to divorce you it doesn't mean you can't leave him, get yourself a new job and leave, the reason you feel like you do is because of him, if you leave you will feel great x

[Aquamarine1029]

Do you have young children living at home?

[teacheroffsick]

Without a job, I can't leave.
With a new job, how can I leave..? Where would I live? All feels impossible.

[teacheroffsick]

Yes, 2 primary aged children.

[AutumnFroglets]

You don't need his permission to divorce in England or Wales, and it's no fault as well.

Are you married, own your own home, have savings for a rental deposit? Do you think you can get a job reasonably quickly?

Enhance your own life and leave

[teacheroffsick]

@SantaBarbaraMonica

I’m so sorry you feel trapped. It shouldn’t be like this. I’d move into the spare room and try separate my life as much as possible. Is that anyway realistic?

Possibly. Planning to change the spare room into a lounge/gaming room for the kids though...

[Aquamarine1029]

It's not impossible and women do it every day. Staying with him will be infinitely harder than getting rid of him will be. You've got one life, op, and don't raise your kids in such a loveless, toxic environment.

[teacheroffsick]

@AutumnFroglets

You don't need his permission to divorce in England or Wales, and it's no fault as well.

Are you married, own your own home, have savings for a rental deposit? Do you think you can get a job reasonably quickly?

Enhance your own life and leave

Can't get a rental without history of regular wages, surely.

[teacheroffsick]

What happens first? Do people file for divorce and continue to live together? I just couldn't afford to move out.

[teacheroffsick]

@SeulementUneFois

Stay strong OP.
What matters is that you're waking up to this. You can work on the practicalities.

I am / have been in a similar situation, relationship wise. And I've been like a boiled frog for ages, not realising, then not wanting to realise it, because of love.
And only now slowly coming to terms with it. Actually for me the practicalities could have worked sooner, it was just myself holding myself back. Then inertia.

So knowing what you want to do, even if you can't yet, is a large part of the battle.

Your last point is actually quite poignant, thank you.

[Seaoftroubles]

Is the house in both your names? If so l'd start divorce proceedings as you will get half. Meanwhile start looking for work, move into the spare room and stop doing anything for him, just concentrate on you and the children. He sounds vile.

[FakeMiddleton]

I wouldn't move out. You're in with a shot to get to stay in the house with the kids until they're 18. Don't do something that looks like you're surrendering that.

[Superlambaanana]

The amount of misery that people inflict on each other in relationships never fails to amaze me. And I'm not even talking about extreme issues like DV, I'm talking about low level, insidious nastiness, eroding of the other person's happiness, confidence, sense of self and quality of life.

This behaviour seems to me to be strongly correlated to the amount of comfort in every other aspect of our lives. So in the western world we have worked out how to make almost every other aspect of our lives comfortable- financially, education, leisure, technology our grandparents couldn't dream of, yet we have the capacity to treat our most intimate partners with such contempt.

It always starts out so promising - "we'll be different". We're more in love, more mature, more sensible than those other chavy couples who fight and say nasty things to each other. But no, in so many cases the love gives way to contempt.

I think men are much more likely to turn nasty and women are much more likely to keep trying to please. When the fact is that both parties have checked out of the loving relationship and both should make exit plans rather than abuse the other through words, actions and affairs.

But we don't like change so we cling on in denial. Getting more and more miserable. Making the other person more and more miserable.

Get out now OP. Job or no job, life is too short to live in a state of misery when we have so much to be grateful for in every other aspect of life.

[RandomMess]

You do this step 1 is KEY

1. Ensure child benefit is being claimed in your name.
2. Move into the spare room
3. Claim UC as a single parent as you live SEPARATELY- no shared cooking/shopping/laundry/cleaning. You are entitled to do this.
4. Get recommendations of divorce solicitors that get good outcomes for people in your situation
5. File for divorce

Actually there is other stuff, gather paperwork, marriage and birth certificates proof of earnings and pensions etc

[Elieza]

Get your ducks in a row as the saying goes and find out what your options are. Life is too short and neither of you are happy. You need a job asap.

[Aquamarine1029]

@teacheroffsick

Possibly. Planning to change the spare room into a lounge/gaming room for the kids though...

Well, plans change. That's your room now. Claim it.

[JanglingJack]

Women's Aid will give you lots of pointers.

Seek a divorce. In the meantime start creating as much of your own space in the house that you can.

Once you've told him, and yourself that you're not in to his bullying shit, and that you are strong, stick to it and you will feel better. He'll get worse with his insults, I've been there. Just don't react. You are Teflon to the bullshit he will throw at you.

[FakeMiddleton]

I would add to @JanglingJack 's post that once the insults peak, the "breakdown" and crying and pleading and bargaining will start.

It will be the seven stages or whatever is anger, denial, bargaining, grief...and he may reverse and regress so the stages won't happen in a near linear fashion.

[teacheroffsick]

@RandomMess

You do this step 1 is KEY

1. Ensure child benefit is being claimed in your name.
2. Move into the spare room
3. Claim UC as a single parent as you live SEPARATELY- no shared cooking/shopping/laundry/cleaning. You are entitled to do this.
4. Get recommendations of divorce solicitors that get good outcomes for people in your situation
5. File for divorce

Actually there is other stuff, gather paperwork, marriage and birth certificates proof of earnings and pensions etc

Thank you so much for these practical steps!!! I currently do not claim CB as he earns over the threshold. I will apply this week. My family friend is a divorce lawyer so that is sorted.
I don't understand the UC aspect though surely they will see that we have shared money, for example, he pays for mortgage and I pay for children's extra curricular activities.

[teacheroffsick]

@FakeMiddleton

I would add to @JanglingJack 's post that once the insults peak, the "breakdown" and crying and pleading and bargaining will start.

It will be the seven stages or whatever is anger, denial, bargaining, grief...and he may reverse and regress so the stages won't happen in a near linear fashion.

Sounds horrendous

[Aquamarine1029]

@teacheroffsick

Sounds horrendous

It won't be worse than squandering the rest of your life on him would be.