Starting over in your thirties

[justfindingmyway]

Hi everyone,

I was hoping people might share their experiences and stories about ‘starting again’ in their thirties? I am breaking down an emotionally abusive relationship piece by piece, but definitely think I’m in one of these trauma bonds, and the abuser can also be kind, caring and thoughtful (although isn’t this all negated by the abuse?).

Anyway, truth be told, i know I should be excited to eventually get out, but I’m very doubtful and frightened, and I know very well I’ll pine for his ‘nice side’. I was just hoping to hear some inspirational stories. And any tips to help my mind recover from this and to alleviate my ‘need’ for him mentally.

Even now, all I want is comfort from him. Is this part of the abuse, or am I broken!

Thanks for taking the time x

Hi im in the same boat. 4 years with an emotionally abusive selfish liar. Found out hes an addict but he still denies it.

I dont live with him. I find the top tip i can give you is to "live for you!" I can imagine like i did, youve stopped being the real you, going out and enjoying things. I now book things, do things and make plans alone.

I have been fortunate enough to get a little money from a house sale. So ive just got back from a weekend with my children at the seaside. Ive booked another weekend there in august and im planning a day with my eldest next month in london.

One thing ive noticed is he steals and borrows alot of my money. It was my birthday 2 weeks ago. He got me nothing. I bought a tablet for me and the children to share as i was given £90 for my birthday. I put a £100 in. Hes commented 3 times already on the cost and that im already on my phone enough. Im not! Im very wary of using my phone infront of him.

I strongly advice treating yourself. Making plans without him. I appreciate money isnt always there but still think aboyt you.

After abuse you need to heal. You also need to rediscover life and fun. You need to rediscover joy. Happiness. Peace etc.

The world becomes darker amd smaller when you have been grinded down.

Ive made peace with the relationship going nowhere now. He never exsisted.

Hes boring and his life revolves around drugs, cheating, getting attention and lying. He doesnt live normally. Doesnt pay his bills or make plans. He doesnt celebrate life with me. Always had excuses.

Im 35 and trying to refocus and live life without him. Im doing ok just need to fully end it.

What I have noted from a distance is those that start afresh in themid late 30's and both sides have no kids , the new love usually goes good until they move in together and start to fall out of little things. This is more applicable if you have been living alone for a while and stuff like leaving clothing on the floor, not drying the shower etc

Having said that, I'm more than certain the vast majority of new loves work - good luck

Thank you. It is comforting to know we aren’t alone, isn’t it? I know the work has to come from within, but as you say, I feel so ground down, and we do live together, so I don’t get the headspace. He tries to make me feel like I’ve done something bad, how much I’ve hurt and disappointed him, when I set boundaries for myself.

My head felt so foggy with it all today that I was falling asleep from my desk whilst working from home. There’s lots of explosions at the moment because I’ve called off our wedding, and he’s only just accepting that he’ll now need to address this with his family and friends. It’s making the emotional abuse worse, so I feel such a weight on my shoulders.

a weekend at the seaside sounds wonderful right now. I hope you enjoyed that and managed to clear your head.

Finding happiness with oneself must be the key; but I have a long, long way to go

It’s true, I think my levels of tolerance for anything now that could be coined as even remotely manipulative or abusive could stop me from ever having success.

it feels now that relationships are all a compromise, and it’s whether the compromises are worth it. Now we talk openly about things like abuse and mistreatment amongst ourselves and in the public eye, we have so many more reasons to walk away.

My one dearest wish, is that I can learn to become TRULY happy living alone and enjoying family and friends. I have work to do

Similar happened to me - engaged, put wedding on hold, cancelled wedding, eventually broke up after a lot of back and forth. Basically it took all of that time from postponing wedding to coming to terms with that outcome. I was 35 when I asked my ex to leave (my house) and I never looked back. My advice would be to be sure you can go through with it - unfortunately I went through phases of hurting, regret, hoping things would change etc and I was talked round several times before I felt strong enough to go through with it and be certain there was no going back. Met DH online very quickly afterwards - in some respects too quickly for both of us to be in a serious relationship so we took it very slow and dated for a long time before getting more serious - a couple of years in fact. I've now just turned 41 I got married last year and have a 21 month old son. I'm so thankful I had the courage to go through with the breakup in the end as it was 100% the right thing for me.

Hi OP,

I found this YouTube channel immensely helpful for dealing with the aftermath of emotional abuse:

https://m.youtube.com/@LookingBehindtheMirror/videos

There are videos about recovery from abuse, confusion and the ‘nice side’ of an abusive person.

The creator has personal experience of emotional/narcissistic abuse, and the channel is just full of wisdom. I found it so healing and validating.

The relief I feel for you that you’re in a good place now is huge. Thank you for sharing your story.

I think I’ll be the same. I honestly change daily, is that normal!? On Saturday I was out driving my car alone to meet my mum, music blaring and feeling empowered, that a life alone would be so much more peaceful than this, happier eventually.

Then last night, he starts to pick at me about the wedding, saying I lied about the reasons why I didn’t want to go through with it (I didn’t, I always said it was his behaviour, he’s now saying I said it’s because he works too hard!) and that, if he’d known I felt that way, he’d never have proposed because he doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t ‘love him for him’. Do you see how I become the bad one, how it’s my fault that I have the feelings, not that he made me feel frightened to marry him? It’s maddening, honestly it is!! So today, I’m back full circle to crying at home whilst working. Which feels utterly pathetic, but perhaps these are the motions. I just know I could well be going in circles with this.

how did you find the OLD scene? I’d be so worried of being hurt again.

So much of what you've said in your reply and opening post has resonated with me. It's total emotional abuse and gaslighting. I know I'm not perfect but I was accused of nagging, worrying, being no fun etc but I wasn't myself in that relationship and how I was was a consequence of being in that situation. I am a totally different person out of it.

Initially I treated OLD as a bit of fun because I was genuinely ok on my own - that's one of the things I had to come to terms with to have the strength to get out of the relationship, and used tinder and bumble but started to get frustrated I wasn't meeting people I clicked with or who only wanted fun. I decided to pay for e harmony because I thought I had more chance of meeting someone that was serious about a relationship - which turned out to be the case. I remember exchanging messages with now DH before we had met up, and somehow we just clicked, didn't run out of things to say, no red flags, things in common. I remember asking what he was doing one weekend and he said him and his brother were taking his 95 year old grandma out for dinner and I thought he must be a nice person to do that.

If I'm honest I was crippled with anxiety for the 2 years that we dated wondering if I was doing the right thing and being scared of being hurt again but in the cold light of day I knew DH was different to my ex and I really thought we were a good match which is why I persevered, and after 2 years we decided to give living together a go and honestly my anxiety just lifted almost overnight. Since then it's been onwards and upwards for us.

I really feel for you because I can remember what it was like trying to decide what to do, finding the strength to leave, wondering what the future would hold, being talked into giving things another go, being convinced I was the one with issues. I think ultimately in a short space of time a couple of things happened - one of which affected other people as well as me and I was embarrassed which I realised wasn't ok and was the final straw.

Glad I found this thread! Also mid 30s and newly single.

It must be awful living with him.his abuse and lack of ability to function is why our relationship hasnt progressed.. I am all over the place sometimes but the last few months the future without him is something i accept and i dont fear.

Its emotional thinking that needs to be removed. The less you stop making excuses for them. They struggle. They are depressed. They had a bad childhood etc. Actually start to remember they choose to be miserable. Choose to over spend. Choose to abuse. Choose to lie. Choose to be verbally unkind. Its a long road of choices they chose. They didnt choose to love and respect and work hard on your relationship.they are perfectly happy sucking away your happiness for their own needs.

2 years ago we split up for 6 months. It was a very painful place because i hadnt accepted what a pig he was. I didnt know various things back then. I genuinely thought he was rebuilding his life after his last relationship ended. They were still contacting eachother and it wrecked my head because he did her wrong financially and cheated. All the things hes done to me. They dont talk now.

Its a journey really on working through your own emptions. Reaching your limit. Processing it and seeing them for what they are.

The feelings you have of still wanting him is normal. I have been there soooo many times when hes the one causing my pain and i need him. Im at a point now where i can stay silent too.

Its so hard but lets talk it through as best we can. Offloading helps and you need people to acknowledge how rough it is. Its nkt that simple to walk away

I got with my DH when we were in our 30s and we were married on our 2nd anniversary of being together.

My DH was with his abusive ex for 12 years and has 3 kids.

The great thing about starting over in your 30s is that you have a better idea of who you are as a person and what you want from life, more so than when your in your 20s.

When I met DH I had been single for 3 years. I'd also had a couple of bad relationship and I spent those 3 years really working on myself and enjoying my own company. When I got with DH I didn't "need" a man and only wanted a partner if they were going to add to my life.

Well done for breaking away from an abusive relationship. Take it easy and do things that make you happy. Take some time for yourself, to see learn who you are and to rebuild your confidence. Enjoy your freedom. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Surround yourself with people who'll support you and get rid of anyone who only brings negativity into you life.

Thanks for this, I’m on my lunch break so going to look right now!! The one comfort I get is talking to others who understand 💞

Thanks so much for sharing. Glad to hear things are good now, and I admire your ability to rediscover yourself. Please send some healing thoughts this way ♥️

we still live together and are currently still engaged, bringing that up right now feels a little scary (I have other hurdles I need to overcome first). But the wedding off is a step in the right direction. I think I need to rip off the bandaid so to speak, and just leave my house and encroach upon my poor mum. But I haven’t yet mustered up the strength

Here to chat if it helps you at all♥️♥️

The one thing my DH always say is "I don't know why I didn't leave her sooner".

But I know it's always easier said than done. The first step is believing you deserve better. It will be hard at first, trauma bonding will make you feel like you miss him and want him back but try not to give in. You know you deserve better. You know there's a better life for you without him. Stay strong!

Ahh I’m glad to hear your success story. It was worth the wait.

yes, I’m waiting for that ‘last straw’ moment. To be honest, there are plenty that should be. One of which I am consumed by currently and has took me down lower than I’ve ever been with him. I’ve always struggled with these ‘snapping’ moments; all of my previous relationships were pretty healthy, they just didn’t work out, but I still struggled to accept the ‘end’ and would keep them in my life for comfort.

i hope I can become someone like yourself, who is able to be happy alone.

Thank you so much for this. Honestly, I’ve never taken drugs but this trauma bond, I can imagine it’s pretty similar! I’m so back and forth with my emotions. The trajectory isn’t linear, but I have to believe that the moments of strength will increase. I know that the only reason I’m still here is the upheaval and discomfort of a) selling my house and putting my things into storage, b) temporarily living with my mum and c) twisted as it is, and really, it is, I know I’ll have episodes of desperately ‘needing’ him in my brain.

Just following along just now. Could have written your post myself so it helps to know I'm not alone.

I am definitely in the grips of a trauma bond and I have nobody to speak to IRL because I can't tell anyone that I went back again.

The thought of starting again hurts and is scary, I wish I could click my fingers and feel better.

Thank you for this, it feels validating when someone understands. I’ve mentioned in other posts, I have wonderful family and friends who want to support me. But my mum in particular is really struggling with this; we’re very similar and she’s also pulled in by his ‘charm’, and she’s so innocent, she couldnt grasp someone being like this simply because they choose to be, as you’ve said.

there’s so much help to be had in talking to people here who understand. I have bored myself at times with how negative I must sound, but I’m in a bad place and this feels like a place where I genuinely find some solace and real, true understanding

Please do reach out privately if a sounding board will help you at all. Sending healing thoughts, try to be kind to yourself at this tough time. We can make choices for ourselves if we muster up the confidence to believe in our own judgement x

There will never be a ’good’ time to leave. You don’t have to hit rock bottom before leaving. You don’t have to let someone destroy you completely before leaving. You don’t have to stay because occasionally things are ok. You’re worth more than that. Think about yourself and what you feel/want and not them.

Change and the unknown is scary. Our body keeps us safe by keeping us in the ‘known’. Even if the known isn’t good for us. We stay because it’s what/all we know.

I’m nearly 40 and recently started over again - it took me 3 years to leave. One day I just ripped the plaster off and did it. I can’t say I haven’t looked back, but my god, a black cloud certainly lifted that day. I hadn’t planned to do it that day, I knew that day was coming but I hadn’t planned it. I took my chance and don’t regret it.

I was driven to the brink of a breakdown by a lying, cheating, deceitful, gaslighting addict. I am in therapy and it is life changing. As many have said before, I wish I’d left sooner.

I too blast my music while I’m driving and the sun is (occasionally) shining and I tell myself (often out loud) that I am going to be ok. I might not be ok all day every day, but I’m certainly better than I was.

Good luck to you xx

Could I just ask how long it took you to get to the point where you accepted it was going nowhere? How do you feel about him now? Was he involved with your children?

I find it so difficult to walk away even knowing that there is no future. The guy in my case has always had someone else in the background, I'm not sure what he tells her or whether maybe he'll give more to her than what he has with me but it still hurts all the same to walk away.

I think our friends and family notice the change in us. But we are only happy when they are in a good mood. They literally control our emotions. Holidays. Birthdays etc always ruined. They have to be center of attention.

I wish they taught us about this at school. I had no idea what abuse looked like.

Every day i get asked for £20 or £30. Then the next day he still needs food or fags. They latch onto people that have gentle personalities.

Im glad people havent told you to pull yourself together. Its a lonely place to be x

Theres always another woman. Always addicition. Always lies. Always control. Always narcissism and always taking but never the one giving.

@Sandcastles5 I feel like I can't say anything about the money side of things because every time my ex asks for anything I give it. I kick myself afterwards but I do it anyway. This is why I can't speak to anyone IRL anymore about it because at this stage it's just my own fault. I can't understand my need to cling on to the good that I seen once and still see sometimes now. My friends used to be able to tell when he was back on the scene because everything about me changes and I genuinely feel like I don't know who I am anymore. While he has someone else now and has moved on, I just wish there was something I could do to pull myself away from the what ifs to do the same.